Grandson is a nightmare to look after

BlueBelle

*He’s the only one I genuinely struggle with, and I’m finding it really hard to even warm to him*

….and he knows it, he knows you don’t like him that much, he knows you prefer his sister, he hasn’t at 6 got the verbal intelligence to sit down and say ‘ nan why don’t you like me’ so he does what many 6 year old would do he looks for attention, any attention he looks to disrupt and yes to give you a hard time as he feels you’re giving him a hard time
He’s good at school, he gets on with his grandad, so I d be surprised if he’s anything other than a little boy trying to punish you for not liking him
Change it around, play with him, have a giggle with him, kick a ball round, play a board game, draw with him, read an exciting story to him, find your route into him and most of all tell him you love him
I d have the children separately for a little while that way he’s not having to share anything you can give him your undivided attention which is what is begging for , he played his music louder and louder so you would know he was there a telling off is better than silence

I’m not blaming you just hopefully encouraging you to look at it through his eyes

I’ve tried to engage with him, his parents know he’s a handful, because he’s only needs a little excuse to explode and kick off, I don’t think he has anything like ADHD as he definitely knows when to behave. Very often when we visit they have to constantly ‘tell him off’.

This sounds to me like attention seeking behaviour ie to keep in the prominent position ahead of his sister. To make sure you are preoccupied with him albeit in a negative way. I'd say he's very jealous of your affection towards his sister so plays up to limit it by doing his utmost to command all eyes on him eg turning volume up, screaming in your ear etc. Best to try seeing them separately and hopefully that may improve things

Op

Do you expect your 6 year old gs to say thank you and please - how often? All the time?

If you take the advice of " i will only babysit your sister till you learn to behave", he may hate you more for a good reason

You say that you would have your GD any time, I know it sounds really harsh, but I would tell him that if he doesn't behave himself, then next time there's an opportunity to come and stay, you'll only be having his sister. He may think he doesn't like you, but if you discuss it with his parents, and ask them not to spoil him while his sister is away, then you might find that he decides your rules aren't so bad after all, and realise that he's missing out. With my own granddaughters, (I have 3 of them), like you, I had my own rules, but I was lucky, in as much as they lived close by, so I saw them frequently as little ones, and they grew up knowing that Nana's house, meant Nana's rules, and because I made their visits enjoyable as long as they stuck to the rules, they loved coming to visit. Sorry I haven't read the full thread, so you may have already mentioned it, but is it possible that you don't see your grandchildren often enough for them to enjoy their visits in spite of your rules?

Tell his parents to bring him back when he is better behaved.
Meantime get a rescue dog or cat, enjoy life and always be too busy to look after him!

I wonder if he wanted to stay over or he was given no choice at all, making the whole scenario worse

“He’s clearly out of control” …..he’s 6. As others have said he could have ADHD or some form of autism or just be a typical boy. Why condem him without finding out what’s really going on.

“His sister said he doesn’t like you because you’re mean” this is from the 8 year old you get on with. Strange that she should say this if all you’re doing is asking him to say please or thank you,
Firstly he’s 6. That’s young and still learning. Odds are he’s sussed out you’re not so keen on him and is hurt or angry. Refusing to have him over or making more fuss of his sister is unlikely to improve your relationship.
Wouldn’t the best thing be to get his mum and dad to talk to him to find out why he has a thing about you. Maybe you are doing something that upsets him that you’re not aware of.

Talk to the parents. He's clearly out of control. Don't have him until he learns how to behave.

Just a quick add on. Our grandson who is now 26 and a wonderful young man used to come here, however he never wanted to stay overnight with us! We tried to settle him, no screaming etc, but we understood and took him back home where he slept well and would come round all day.
We have a wonderful relationship, visits us when he is near. We never pushed it and in the end we arranged for him to be collected or taken home near bedtime.
Our daughter understood the problem and we worked with it. Well it wasn't a problem we worked around it.

Talk to the parents who are RESPONSIBLE for him, especially if he kicks off at home. It could be something as simple as a reaction to some foods. Don't tolerate such behaviour, why should you?
I know you may feel you should be able to care for him, but not as he is. He is not gaining anything from visits to you if he screams etc all the time. Why should you put up with this.? If he is good at school then he can be good with you.
If this was your child what would you do? I suspect you would sort this out one way of another. Unless his behaviour is looked into now, find a reason and make steps to alter it he will not learn how to behave anywhere.
Sorry if this is hurtful, you are the grandparents and having your grandchildren should be fun without the screaming. Do not the parents worry? Can you investigate with the parents why does he not want to come to you and why do they send him?

I agree with bluebelle

BlueBelle

*He’s the only one I genuinely struggle with, and I’m finding it really hard to even warm to him*

….and he knows it, he knows you don’t like him that much, he knows you prefer his sister, he hasn’t at 6 got the verbal intelligence to sit down and say ‘ nan why don’t you like me’ so he does what many 6 year old would do he looks for attention, any attention he looks to disrupt and yes to give you a hard time as he feels you’re giving him a hard time
He’s good at school, he gets on with his grandad, so I d be surprised if he’s anything other than a little boy trying to punish you for not liking him
Change it around, play with him, have a giggle with him, kick a ball round, play a board game, draw with him, read an exciting story to him, find your route into him and most of all tell him you love him
I d have the children separately for a little while that way he’s not having to share anything you can give him your undivided attention which is what is begging for , he played his music louder and louder so you would know he was there a telling off is better than silence

I’m not blaming you just hopefully encouraging you to look at it through his eyes

BlueBelle, IMHO I think you've summed the situation up perfectly! Sounds to me like an attention seek.

I would refuse to let him sleepover whilst he is like this-or be visiting without a parent. Speak to his parents and tell them you wont have this behaviour, simple as that.Maybe he does/doesnt have an underlying reason for misbehaving but its up to the parents to discover what, but you should not have to go through this.

I feel very sorry for you .
This is difficult to deal with .
As you've got on well with other children then I don't think that you are the cause of the problem.
I think that you have no choice , but to talk to your son and his wifeband see if some compromise can be reached.
Otherwise you can really be expected to care for him .

I'm wondering if your grandson isn't neurodivergent in some way .
Or is he a nightmare due to bad parenting ?
Or a combination of both ?
If your grandson's school identify a problem then you will be exonerated .

My son was very hard work as a child,but he was loving and funny.
I have found my grandson really difficult to look after.Unlike my son as a child - he seemed to be joyless and just unhappy.
As my father was too ill to be left I was unable to care for him. I wonder how I would have coped.I'm not sure that I would have.
At times ,my grandson could be so vicious-aiming stones at his cousin's head or destructive - trying to break the contents of a cabinet cabinet and pulling down a curtain rail after wiping chocolate up the curtains .
My son and his wife set no boundaries and never seemed to know how to discipline him instead they dump their son on anyone who'll have have him . I think that they are lazy parents .
The nursery school and school have complained.
Like my son ,he's very bright and easily bored .
Now he's doing well and is sporty and has lots of friends - long may it last.

I really hope that you can resolve your problem and have a great relationship with him .

Shelflife

Monica. Please understand that children with ADHD often behave in school - its known as masking. It is a huge strain for them ! When they get home they often ' explode' .
It is understandable for people to assume there is not a problem because they behave in school, sadly that is not always the case. I completely agree with everything else you have 'said' . A firm approach and consequences carried out is the answer for most children .

Exactly this Shelflife. Our DGS has been diagnosed (before anyone asks) with ADHD and sees a psychiatrist regularly. He is not academic but behaves well in school, he is masking.

He’s the only one I genuinely struggle with, and I’m finding it really hard to even warm to him

….and he knows it, he knows you don’t like him that much, he knows you prefer his sister, he hasn’t at 6 got the verbal intelligence to sit down and say ‘ nan why don’t you like me’ so he does what many 6 year old would do he looks for attention, any attention he looks to disrupt and yes to give you a hard time as he feels you’re giving him a hard time
He’s good at school, he gets on with his grandad, so I d be surprised if he’s anything other than a little boy trying to punish you for not liking him
Change it around, play with him, have a giggle with him, kick a ball round, play a board game, draw with him, read an exciting story to him, find your route into him and most of all tell him you love him
I d have the children separately for a little while that way he’s not having to share anything you can give him your undivided attention which is what is begging for , he played his music louder and louder so you would know he was there a telling off is better than silence

I’m not blaming you just hopefully encouraging you to look at it through his eyes

VenusDeVillendorf

My feeling is that you need to step back a little and stop judging your grand children.

It sounds to me that your GS has undiagnosed ADD with some oppositional symptoms.

His parents need to step up and get him to a clinical psychologist to be assessed.

Remind yourself that you love all your grandchildren equally.

Take a break from hosting them until they’ve both been assessed.

ADD isn’t a bad thing to have in this fast moving world. If he can control the impulsivity and emotional overload response, he’ll be able to succeed, and won’t interfere too much with his sisters life.

It’s urgent that he (and she) needs assessment. Pay for private if you can afford. There’s no time to waste.

I don’t think that the OP is judging anyone, she has simply stated that she is struggling to cope with her grandson’s behaviour.
I also think (through years and years of professional experience of dealing with the most challenging of children) that before people start talking about seeing professionals, other more simplistic avenues need to be explored and they are:
Consistency-which by the way is extremely hard to do, for example all actions have consequences so if the consequence to a bad behaviour is xyz then that is what happens.
Planned ignoring, choose battles wisely, let smaller poor behaviours go (for the time being) and concentrate on the most offensive ones.
Praise using child’s first name, every single time he does something well
Eg l ‘love Peter the way you spoke quietly just now’
I could go on but I’ll bore everyone.
I think nowadays there is a tendency to label every child with a ‘syndrome’ and hereby lies the problem.
Good luck OP you’re doing your best and that’s all any of us can ever do.

It sounds to me that your GS has undiagnosed ADD with some oppositional symptoms

It sounds to me as if he is a small child being exposed to the rigors of formal education too young and is possibly tired/hungry and wants to be at home.

Pps. Apologies I went on. I get a bit passionate. 😊
Great responses I hope you find some peace soon
lol. I liked the phrase ' nothing lasts forever' when the going gets tough

Haha. After all your replies I guess you will need to sleep on it a few days. I'm sure the things that will help you most will jump out. Best wishes. Xx

Agree

Agree.

You're not alone by any means. My sister was saying similar the other day., because he is eight she just said get out the car I'll watch you go in the house because I can't take any more of this naughty behaviour . He looked a bit shocked.....
A lot of parents don't do much discipline since it became a thing to be friends with your children before disciplining
I can understand this need, but discipline and love go hand in hand I'd say, and you aren't really doing the child any favours!
And there comes to time when enough is enough.
When they are old enough to know right from wrong
I'm not sure about all the labels they get given to be honest, I think it depends on your child's personality how you deal with it, the bottom line is it's good that they express, rather than put it all inwards, and when they can process and understand the lesson begins so to speak

..We have to deal with it the best way we can for our own sanity don't we, I know with mine, perhaps they did go into a bit of fear when they had pushed the line , I would suddenly feel like a pressure cooker exploding and they knew buy a look. They have gone too far . They knew I loved them and they are very close to me in old age. I suppose it's about respect as well.. I'm very close to my daughter now she has had her children and understands the buttons that get pressed!
For me, when they push the boundary of my patience and kindness and understanding, I was a bit like my sister, but not as harsh, and would say I really can't deal with you being like this and fighting with me all the time so I'm just going in the kitchen blah blah & when you feel better, come & have a chat and then we can make that cake,, whatever.
Give it back to them as he's six now he can understand that.. but keep your cool keeping your sense of control is really important for your own sanity and it's great that you've got a husband to share it with but I don't think you should just say go and see your grandad😀😀😂 maybe the odd time 😀👍🏼

He needs help now. Ask his parents to apply for help with his behaviour. It will only get worse! Teenage years not far away.