PS Check into a nice hotel for two weeks, switch off your mobile and simply text your husband once a day to let him know you’re ok.
Have a spa day, nails done, massage, whatever floats their boat!
I am procrastinating and need to stop!
Gransnet forums
Grandparenting
Nannying grandson infant full time, nanny cam, boundaries and advice
(183 Posts)Greetings! I need advice. I'm a month into nannying our first grandson, he is 3 months old, our daughter and son-in-law little boy. I signed up for it, said I would do it, and love him to pieces. No clue how exhausting it would be. I clean and do laundry for them too, and she will leave me a list of things that need to be done. I start at 7:30am, end at the minimum 6:30pm. They are appreciative, pay my monthly health insurance at $250 a month, and at least my daughter expresses thanks, the son-in-law, is very judgmental and just plain odd, but maybe he has issues since his mom is 3 hours away and is distant emotionally as well. Ok, I'm on a nanny cam while I babysit, watched the entire time. She will take screenshots and send them to the entire family. And, just as soon as I get baby boy to sleep I hear "HI, I want to see him!". So, then he is awake, and the day goes on and on like this. No schedule or break because of the random check-ins. And she is constantly on the cam at work, she checked if my husband tested the temperature of the milk on his wrist while I was at a doctor's appointment, so it makes me feel like she thinks we have no clue what we are doing. I just feel very scrutinized. We have four grown adult children who all survived our child rearing, so it is kind of insulting. We love children and all that it entails. It was always kind of a joke that I was a baby whisperer. If there was one thing I could do it was take care of a baby. No, I'm not up on all the latest gadgets, etc. But you get one-on-one care with hugs and kisses and a sense of responsibility that you won't get if you outsource. That said, she sent me a message with a screen shot of a forum conversation of how much a sitter costs, telling me, "see how much money you save us!". I felt like, ok...glad I save you money, too bad I'm not up to your standards, at least I'm better than having to pay out. I couldn't figure out the straps on the car seat once, and oh the eye rolling. They wanted me to go to their church with them, he comes from a (for show) religious family, and is all into proper formality, so I did once, they said I could go again but they would have to ask permission from the pastor (?). So, I just feel so awkward and less-than. I've been sitting overnight when he travels, works late, etc. Sitting for Christmas parties, after work business dinners, and now was asked at 9pm last night if I could sit again today, on weekend, so he could go watch football with his buddies, and my daughter could work. My main concern is that I'm so exhausted (I've had a migraine since Friday, and they know it, I missed my son's 40th birthday party last night, but they still ask for me to sit), but I'm so exhausted in general that I don't enjoy my grandson, which is why I signed up for this, to spend the time with him, that I didn't with my own kids. But I didn't say 24/7, it is kind of ruining it. I thought that it would be easier if he lived here and they just pick him up once in a while! I don't want to get so burned out that I don't enjoy him, as I won't get these years back, but I feel they are taking advantage of me. I've never been good at saying no, and I think they know that, and my daughter will push to get as far as she can. I'm going to ask they he comes to my house two days a week so at least I can catch up on things at home and not be on camera while I eat my lunch. I know the eyes will roll. Thanks for letting me vent. I have no one to talk to, my husband is a blabbermouth, and pretty clueless anyway. I want to enjoy these years, and have my grandson remember me as the one who took care of him, but quite frankly, I'm worried I'll fall asleep driving some days. I'm sorry for the long vent, but it is a weight off my shoulders to hopefully get some advice. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!
My advice, let them pay the entire price of childcare elsewhere!
You’re this child’s grandmother not a servant or employee and you should absolutely should not be subjected to a nannycam! I’m appalled
While I'm whining...I come home...and husband expects me to make dinner, while he has been sitting around on the laptop...seriously...I'm ready to check into a hotel, and see how this lot would cope without me.
After some sleep, I have to come up with a game plan for some major changes.
Thanks again for letting me vent.
Yes, here in USA, they make us go back way too fast. I remember when I had my third child, back in the '90's, I came home from the hospital and felt physically very well, mentally I was like, why don't i just go back to work now so I don't get too attached because I only had 6 weeks at home post-partum. It is heartbreaking.
And I know she misses him, but yes - its the cam, psychologically, I'm on edge, ALL DAY. Even on good days.
As positive as I try to be, I'm very run down by end of week. I put in 12 hours today. And then I get overtired, and like today...little guy had vaccinations the day before, and was miserable today, I had to hold him all day because she didn't want to give him Tylenol (he had a fever! Give him some damn Tylenol!)...oh "it teaches them to work out their pain". I felt so bad for him. Then the husband is mad at me because I was holding him all the time, the only way to comfort the poor baby.
And...the proverbial shoe on the other foot is slipping...I was "repremanded" because they thought they saw some residue on a bottle I had washed. Kinda petty when I'm doing all this and cleaning, and laundry, for free. And I'm not the only one that washes bottles...
But yes, bottom line, I'm exhausted. No one can see it, but I TELL THEM I AM. Husband, the rest of my family, the grandsons parents, tell me to "get in shape". I'm 5 feet two inches tall and weigh 160 pounds. I'm not fat, not skinny. They have told me to get on the treadmill in their basement.
Whatever, all I know is that I could muster the stamina, if I felt more appreciated. My husband is a retired handyman and now he is choosing to have tea and sit and gossip with one of his female "bosses" (he has told me he has to to keep in good with her (?), and of course she is very wealthy, praises him for every little thing he does, is an old flirt (he loves it) and today he came home boasting about how her son bought a 4 million dollar mansion. That is a whole other story for another day. Working on the side after his retirement has brought in nice money, but his love of this other family has eroded our relationship.
So then there is me, who retired from a very decent well paying job, that alot of people would be thankful to have, and I worked my way up the ladder honestly, but...I'm in the plastic kiddie pool with a hose comparatively in his eyes. I can't compete will millionaires.
Oh boy. What a week! I'm afraid of next week now.
Thanks for listening, I know these are "first world problems", and I should be grateful for what I have.
Hope everyone has a good weekend, between home life, US news and government, it has not been good here. I am envious of the country you live in on top of everything else!
I am far more concerned about the amount of work you’re being asked to do than the nanny cam. Yes I understand it’s “insulting” but also I can’t imagine a new mum who had to leave her two month old child for 12 hours a day. I’d have needed a camera with constant viewing just to survive it. I assume you are in the us because you mention dollars - the lack of leave new mums get us appalling.
Regardless the rest is far too much t expect of you and it’s clear you’re not physically up to the task. That is okay. Just let them know they’ll need to find other arrangements that it’s too much for your physically, because it is. And nanny cam or not, that won’t change
And please forgive typos and bad grammar...I AM still one tired grandma, and probably always will be, but...it's a happy tired ;o)
Happy New Year to you as well, and everyone, I owe you an update as you all got me through to the end of the year! If anything, I think that they realised how much we do compared to them. His parents are very cold - and have 5 other grands so do not have the time (and reasonably so) to dote on wee one as we do. I think our son in law really enjoyed Christmas at our house, we have fun, laugh, relax. Not so much at his parents. His sisters may have told him about the price, logistics, and illnesses at their daycare as well (?).
Either way, yesterday - I sent both daughter and son in law a Snapchat of grandson laughing and giggling...and my son in law conceded "oh my god he loves you, you spoil him". And today, when his Dad came home, little guy just follow me around with his eyes, and he is getting to the point where he figures out I'm leaving and gets a bit pouty!
My grandson lights up and laughs when I show up, oh that is the best feeling, you feel so wanted and needed. He is getting so much more animated as he is growing. I'm in love.
And...my daughters patients tell her their nightmare stories about their daycare sicknesses - one had influenza, among other contagious diseases. She said how grateful she was I was caring for little mister, and I took the opportunity to say that is great, but I know I don't offer the educational support a daycare center would and she was just like...oh Mom...you are doing MORE than a daycare would.
My son in law are communicating so much better. I told him straight out to let me know if he has to work early or late ahead of time if he possibly can and I can accommodate (or not), then the last minute requests won't be so bad. So we kind of go over the schedule either the weekend before or on Monday.
They finally put a rocking chair in the living room next to their big picture window...oh little man just loves to be rocked.
And having my husband help has been a Godsend. Planning on a walk tomorrow as the temperature here should be 40 degrees ABOVE zero! Yay!
Now if this all changes for whatever reason, I'm learning to stand my ground as my ground is not that hard, I've been very patient and I think they realised that. I'm hoping we were going through a period of adjustment.
So...hoping that other shoe won't fall, but will keep pace with everyone growing.
Thank you so much all of you - I'm one lucky Grandma!
Happy new year grammiebe. Do you think while at his parents that they realised how much you do compared to them or that his parents may have commented on them burdening you?
Exactly - next week could be a a complete flip. One day at a time. Holding ground here! Thanks for the support!
Well done, glad things seem to be improving but it’s early days so keep ‘holding your ground’.
Here’s to 2026.
Happy New Year Folks! OK, well...small update, they went to his parents last weekend for Christmas, and came back, quite different. Son-in-law was very nice to me, asked what I wanted him to buy for me to have for my lunch, etc. while I watch grandson, worked from home but said to get him anytime I wanted to leave, and they made us a grand dinner last night for New Years.
Oh! And Tuesday, I was too sick to babysit! No fibbing, really, no if, ands or butts, put my foot down, down and out will a cold. So my husband watched the little guy and all was well. Haven't had any last minute requests for sitting for stupid reasons. But it's only been a week, I'll still be holding my ground.
Maybe this will indeed work...let's see what 2026 holds. I still have more speaking up to do, but slow and steady wins the race...thanks for pushing me along! Much love for 2026 to all of you.
No, I’d just say no. No excusesd needed. Just no. 🤷♀️
I think you need to change your mind set.
You describe in detail their behaviour.
You seem unable to see the wood for the trees.
You have been ground down by people assuming they are in charge of you.
Possibly going back long before these two.
You've taken on a subservient role.
Why change the diaper when they expect it. ??
Why not just laugh and say firmly
I don't think so.
When they or your husband or whoever... says jump
It's not the case that your only option is to plead or negotiate as to how high.
You could say
you jump. I don't care to.
Is your pension paying all household bills?
I hope not.
All the best for the new year.
Onwards and upwards.
Oh and just a thought.
One would almost wish to be a worm to see that delicious moment of sheer astonishment when they see you turn. 
Sssd...I have to say, I agree. I always give myself 24 hours so I don't have a knee-jerk reaction, but Christmas...I just felt like, the nanny. Every time he needed his diaper changed, it was a family joke that now we could give him to "grandma". Otherwise, no holding, cuddling, pictures, etc. Things are going to have to change, myself included. I'm taking the easy way out by just talking about it, I need to DO something about it. I want to approach all the dynamics with dignity, I know I won't be reciprocated, both my daughter and husband are "hot heads", however I will take the high road, what happens, happens.
grammiebe, im really sorry your daughter treats you so appallingly. This is about the worst thing I've read online.
She and her husband are awful human beings. You've raised a monster. Im sorry. But please...find your anger. Find your dignity. Find your self respect.
And remember who is the parent here. You must say no to them. You must be the parent.
Thank you! I guess the "kicker" was Christmas Day when I went to hold my grandson, and my daughter said "oh no you can't, you get him 40 hours a week". And I was like...ok, I guess I am the hired help.
And if you want him so bad on your days off, why are you calling me a few hours later to see if I can babysit the next day, your day off...
Glad to hear you're learning to say no. Keep a post it note by your phone with a big fat NO on it as a reminder or else they will continue to wear you down. I still can't believe the cheek of them, especially SIL. Then again, DH sounds like he had a selfish side as well. You need to start treating you to something new and then. Keep staying strong grammiebe and I really hope 2026 works out better for you.
Thank you so much. You know, I do keep re-reading! This is more support than I have ever gotten. For some reason, whatever "generation" my daughter is in, it is very entitled, and we as grandparents here in the US, are expected to wait and serve our children.
We saw that trend coming in the 80-90's when we were raising our kids and did not give into it. All our kids had jobs, and I made sure at least one job made them clean toilets. We made sure they had manners to everyone, not just upper crust people. All our kids did well, and it served them well to have manners when getting good careers.
That said, I guess that is why I'm a bit shocked at this behavior out of my daughter. We will straighten it out with grace, but oh, this forum IS my backbone. Thank you again.
You need to read and reread everything written here and remember to keep saying No. You know it makes sense, you are being taken for granted by the people who should be looking out for you.
The medical situation in the US fills us here in the UK with fear, it sounds a nightmare. Look after yourself because it seems no one else does. Just say No.
Here’s to a better new year.
Here it is...another Christmas in the books, and for the past week I've been like whew, get through all Christmas work and...at least I get Boxing Day off, first day in two months, just a Friday here in the US, but my daughter has the day off work and her husband was supposed to as well. They are going to visit my mother-in-law in the morning.
All the sudden...he has to go into work, in the afternoon - which I think is a cop out as his line of work is not busy this time of year, and what...did his boss call him Christmas day to come in? I have met his boss, boss has 4 kids and knows better, and is a really nice guy. I have been told all week husband was off. So my daughter messages me at 9:30pm as I am getting ready for bed, reflecting on a nice Christmas and looking forward to relaxing for a day and then I get...."can you watch grandson tomorrow afternoon so I can run errands". What happened to hubby either off work or working from home. I'm so over the last minute petty crap. It was a very lame errand, picking up new garbage bins. Can be done anytime. They are going to have to save last minute requests for emergencies.
While I'm complaining, I will add, her husband wanted me to work Christmas Eve day - and cook and prepare my own house for 8 people for that same night/Christmas Eve, himself included, I was hosting and had people staying overnight, I said NO, and even daughter was like, that is too much to ask, I think she gets frustrated with his lack of interest in his son, but that isn't my problem and I don't get involved with their marriage.
Had same houseful today and put on full breakfast. My husband actually cleaned up a bit this afternoon as I literally passed out after everyone left and was losing my voice. And his cleaning comes with lectures of "well I would have done this, that or the other thing to make it easier for Christmas". Good, let me record you saying that for next year, of which, you can be responsible!
As I write this I'm like, what world are these two kids from. So, another NO for tomorrow. Please just keep cheering me on as I'm finding myself in the most bizarre situations. I'm not the only one that thinks this is odd, right?
I mean, when we had kids, I had to ask a few days ahead of time, for a good reason, if I wanted my parents to watch the kids. My husbands parents simply did not watch the kids, no if, ands or buts. I mean, you had to be in hospital, foot fallen off or something like that, and then maybe his folks would watch the kids. Otherwise, we took them with us, and I mean everywhere, you just did. Our grandson is 4 months now. He's not a newborn anymore, so I'm not so worried about him catching a cold, etc. so I don't feel obligated if they have to run errands with him.
And, still treating me like "well, we pay your health insurance". That is a whole other story. I had to switch providers (I had my doctors for about 25 years), to get on a different plan they liked. It costs more per month ($500 US dollars), but no deductible. Which is better for them. Her husband had a fit that I had a $700 visit, blood work, etc.
Even with that, I'm still in the negative if you want to get into no wages and the money I'm saving them. Much less convenience.
My husband doesn't help in that he doesn't want to pay my health insurance either (I just as well get a "real" job then, is his point of view), so he worships the ground they walk on (he doesn't work for them either though...and has Medicare). He retired, and is working on the side for people who worship the ground he walks on...a whole other story there too.
I am digressing, but I am behind on a lot of healthcare issues (colonscopy - my dad had colon cancer, so I'm at high risk), dental work, etc. and it hurts that I'm such a "burden", to my daughter and her husband, and my own husband, when somehow, we have enough money to buy a rental investment from his lovely flirty lady boss, and we buy anything else hubby wants. He runs his credit card up to 3000$ per month. Granted he works on the side, and always pays it off every month, but...I retired from a good job, and have a nice pension, that covers all the bills, that is all my money has every went for, he has the fun. I have to justify every grocery I have bought. I should probably join another forum for this complaint, sorry!
Ok, I'm sounding like a whiner here, but had to get this off my chest. I'm 60, no back bone, but slowly getting one, late bloomer haha. Please keep supporting me to say no and keep my sanity, and to speak up more as well. I'm working towards being on a forum simply to post what fun I had today with my grandson.
Hope you all had a good holiday, I do have so much to be thankful for - all of you included! I feel like I'm drowning and you all are keeping me afloat. Thank you so very much.
V3ra
grammiebe I'm so glad you've found this forum and let's hope we can help you find a balance that works for all of your family.
At the moment your daughter and son-in-law seem to think they're the only people who matter, and that they can lay the law down with no consideration for anyone else.
This needs to stop.
Rest assured a professional childcarer or nanny would have handed in their notice by now!
Your comment about your grandson coming to your house might not be such a bad idea, though not to live of course.
You'd be in your own comfortable space, presumably with your husband more than at present, and best of all no cameras.
What were they thinking of with that stunt??
My God I couldn't agree more. And rest very assured my Dear as a previous Poster has rightly said this behaviour would in no way be tolerated by a professional childminder or nanny. I find it quite alarming that the young parents of today consider on tap babysitting, nights away and me time as their divine right. Its utterly appalling. I do know of someone whose Daughter had a Baby, unfortunately dear Daughter was doing little with the Baby as they lived at Granny's and Granny was getting up at all hours to deal with the Baby. There came a day when Granny had to move the Daughter and her Baby into separate accommodation as the situation got so bad.
At the right casual moment, I am going to mention/say/discuss if they have thought of getting a nanny who will come in from 7am-7pm. It is really what they need with their odd hours and extracurricular needs (now she needs a massage), which were not agreed upon when I agreed to do this, I was told 8am-4pm, Tues and Thurs mornings off (that went out the window!), and her husband could work from home any time I needed a break or was sick (which he will not do now). I know she will say she can't afford it (they can), but I'm going to say that I don't know if I, as in me, your mother, can, I'd like to be alive to see my grandchildren grow up. End of conversation.
we had a babysitting group of local mums who got together and babysat for each other, it worked well. .
Well done for saying no. It gets easier with practice.
A good start.
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