Step Grandparenting ~ support needed

Hello and welcome if you’re new. I’m sorry, I can’t offer any advice with your request because I have no experience with a similar issue. But please be aware these forums are public, anyone can read them and you provide names and detail that could identify you and cause problems.

You can request from Gransnet admin that names be taken out by using the “Report” tab.

I hope someone else can offer you advice. Good luck.

Hang in there, it's early days.

He's 6, what is he into? What cartoons does he like? Sports? Any special long term toys like Lego or Warhammer (maybe that's too old for him)? Are there places you could take him to related to these interests?

Hard to "form a relationship" if you +ss only see each other "among the crowd" at big events like his concerts/ birthday. She needs to facilitate some casual everyday family stuff like a walk in the park or making a cake, at which you and ss happen to be present . Is there a family dog that needs walking?

I take it she's not the mother of bio GC ?

When her own baby comes she almost certainly will realise that her feelings for her own flesh and blood infant contrast those for a part-time SS. She's surely conscious that his feelings for herself, don't match his relationship with his mother.

I am wondering if that's already on her mind, she's having doubts/ anxiety about her own step-parenting capacity, and displacing the blame and her guilt and fear on to you.

Please don't use names- your own is one thing but never post a child's name here.

I agree . Please ask to have the child's name removed from the post, for his sake and yours! I do hope the situation works out well for uou and your family.

I agree withbutterandjam it looks like your DD is the one who needs reassurance that she will be a good step parent and is projecting her fears onto you. Is the little boy's mum around?

I'm glad he has DGP who he is close to. It's hard for a child when their parents separate/divorce especially an only child.
Do you have a DH who can help you?

I hope you all find a way through this.
Please don't let your DD blackmail you.
Using her unborn baby as a threat is not on.
She doesn't sound very kind.

Another Grandna reeling from the shock of being yelled at !
Take heart .
It sounds as though your daughter is struggling with being a step mother and taking her frustration out on you .
Have a Google and see what sort of toys and games your six year old step grandchild would like .
I used to find my mother in law's complete lack of enthusiasm towards her grandkids strange and frustrating .
I didn't yell at her ,but my sister in law usedcto blow a fuse .
I am sure that you are trying to form a bond with him .Your daughter is exhibiting emotional blackmail due to anxiety .
Hopefully she'll calm down .
Wishing you lots of luck .

thank you, I will. I didn't realize as this is my first post.

This little boy has two loving grandparents so you can never be a ‘grandmother’ to him, nor should you try to be. What you should try to be is a friendly auntie, someone to do fun things with when he sees you. Do you have a garden that he could help you in, perhaps planting some bulbs or even growing some vegetables of his own to take home? Could you buy a set of Lego and ask for his help in making something?
How does he get on with your bio granddaughter, could you arrange for them to play together at your house doing something fun together?
I would imagine that he is confused and upset about his parents’ split and also jealous about the thought of a new baby who might take his daddy’s attention away from him. Therefore, his dad and your daughter, whilst involving him the preparations for the baby, should always ensure that he has plenty of one to one time with his daddy.
I have been there as I had two young stepsons when I was pregnant with my daughter and the youngest was very jealous so needed a lot of reassurance. However, once she was born, he was enthralled with her and they have been the best of friends ever since.
Try to keep calm over this situation, tell your daughter that you will try your best and, believe me, things will look very different once the baby is born.

My grandchildren have lots of step-grandparents, as their parents have both remarried, and get on well with their extended families. Some go on holiday with them , which I have never been invited to do! But I think as their Mum’s Mum, I am their closest grandparent and they don’t have the same close relationship with the others. They are now young adults and I think that having contact with so many adults and older adults over a long term has given them a real sense of the importance of family, and respect for others’ views.

On the other hand, since my husband died, I don’t think I will ever see his granddaughter again. Her parents always treated me nicely but as an extra, not a true grandparent. Their daughter was always encouraged to have a strong bond with my husband but not with me, which I found a bit weird, though she was his only grandchild, and I already had four.

So in summary, I would say every family is different, relationships evolve over time and sort themselves out one way or another. I guess when the new baby is born the little boy may need more attention and you may have a different role to play at that point.

While I can understand that your D may be struggling with being a step mum together with being pregnant, her shouting at you one minute and then giving you the silent treatment, having told you if you don't do better with your step GC
you wont have a relationship with her baby when s/he's born, is totally out of order and addressing this would be my priority.

I suggest that you tell her you wont be subjected to emotional blackmail and/or angry outbursts and that of course you want to find away of improving your relationship with this little boy, and you need her help, not her criticism.

It might be an idea to discuss this with your D and her husband, the child's father. Do you know if he has any concerns? You may find that as his son is close to his other GP's, he's not as troubled by this as your D.

I hope you can find a resolution but please don't allow yourself to be bullied by your D.

This isn't about having a relationship with this little boy, to whom you are not related and with whom it sounds you get along well enough under the circumstances.

This is really about your relationship with your daughter, who seems to be struggling. this is the thing you need to work on with patience and understanding.

She sounds very controlling and maybe a little frightened. Tell her that the two of you need to find ways of communicating better so you can have an adult relationship.

Taking on someone else's child is very difficult and she is now having one of her own.

I hope this can move forward, away from the little boy and more into the two of you.

Reassurance is needed.

Smileless2012

While I can understand that your D may be struggling with being a step mum together with being pregnant, her shouting at you one minute and then giving you the silent treatment, having told you if you don't do better with your step GC
you wont have a relationship with her baby when s/he's born, is totally out of order and addressing this would be my priority.

I suggest that you tell her you wont be subjected to emotional blackmail and/or angry outbursts and that of course you want to find away of improving your relationship with this little boy, and you need her help, not her criticism.

It might be an idea to discuss this with your D and her husband, the child's father. Do you know if he has any concerns? You may find that as his son is close to his other GP's, he's not as troubled by this as your D.

I hope you can find a resolution but please don't allow yourself to be bullied by your D.

I have to agree Smileless.

The issue to address is with your daughter GMoo. Why does she think that shouting at you and threatening to separate you from your coming grandchild is in anyway helpful. I also suggest that you sit down with her AND her husband and discussing your relationship with her stepson/his son is a good idea - focusing on what YOU want the relationship to be and what THEY see it as being. Suggestions for that might be:
*not trying to usurp his grandparents parents
*creating a fun loving relationship in your role as an extra person in his life
*treating him tge same as others - which you already do re presents etc
*Building a relationship with him AND your new grandchild on arrival.

I hope you can sort this out but as Smileless says please dont let yourself be bullied by your daughter. Her threats are out of order and even though her emotions may be haywire at the moment (unless she has always behaved like this?) that is not really an excuse! 💐

keepingquiet

This isn't about having a relationship with this little boy, to whom you are not related and with whom it sounds you get along well enough under the circumstances.

This is really about your relationship with your daughter, who seems to be struggling. this is the thing you need to work on with patience and understanding.

She sounds very controlling and maybe a little frightened. Tell her that the two of you need to find ways of communicating better so you can have an adult relationship.

Taking on someone else's child is very difficult and she is now having one of her own.

I hope this can move forward, away from the little boy and more into the two of you.

Reassurance is needed.

That is also wise advice keepingquiet.

GMoo both suggestions can work alongside each hopefully

Would just like to add that trying to force a relationship with a small child could be counter productive. I remember when our five year old granddaughter didn’t want much to do with me, she much preferred to spend time with her grandpa and other grandparents. I tried to over compensate and she just backed off more so I gave her time and space and just continued to be there. She us now in her teens and for many years we gave had a really close relationship ship.
Even biological grandchildren can be fickle.

The most important person here is the small stepson. His parents have divorced which will have had an impact on his life, however amicable the arrangements. It sounds as though he has a supportive extended family, and it is foolish of your daughter to try and force a new relationship on him with someone he barely knows. He has two grandmas already, and will undoubtedly come to like you , when he knows you better.
Do you ever spend time with him when it is just you, your daughter and his father, in familiar home circumstances? Then you can talk quietly and naturally to him and get to know each other. Being a boy doesn't preclude you forming a relationship.
It sounds as though your your daughter is in competition with his existing family, and this is not a healthy thing to do, as the new baby will naturally upset the dynamic on arrival. Your daughter is newly married and pregnant, and unfairly taking her stresses out on you.
Just say, gently, that forming new relationships takes time and must be led by the child's desires, not hers; she cannot impose them on him. The important thing is his stability.

This could be another possibility. The daughter does sound very controlling- maybe she is frightened because she is pregnant and the relationship is under pressure?

Either way the child is caught up in this but does seem to have a wider supportive family.

@easybee The most important person here is the small stepson.

I am beginning to wonder if the little boy has already been weaponised by his mother and father. Against each other, and the rival second wife/stepmother.

Step mum/ second wife (DD) is perhaps painfully aware of that; now dreads what might happen to her and her baby if her marriage fails.

She's fallen into the same pattern , SS as emotional weapon and threat.

The message in her head is this; " I have to be a perfect stepmother to make a go of this marriage. If I fail as SM or my mother fails as SG, this marriage fails, then after divorce I will lose half my baby's childhood to my husband. I am terrified ; that I'm not good enough for this little boy and his father.

When baby comes, will I be an even worse failure as a stepmother and wife?My husband didnt waste much time when his first marriage went fell apart. If it doesn't work out with me I can be replaced. He did that already. My baby will get a stepmother who doesn't love it like I do. I know all about that already. "

She's a beginner wife, his second wife , a part time stepmother, pregnant as a first time mother.

How painfully vulnerable for any woman :-(

OP, nature and female hormones are on your side. Hold steady. When d's baby is born she will be hit with emotions she can't yet imagine, has never felt before, will understand Mothering for the first time. We all remember that.

My daughter was in a similar situation, but she and her partner took it slowly; she was introduced to the children gradually, then later they came to meet my cats; (I was an added extra). She was not involved in the break-up and was able to form a workable relationship with the children's mother and new husband. The children commute happily between both houses and try occasionally,with little success, to play one parent off against the other.
Take it slow.

Ask her for suggestion. Tell her you want to be close but are struggling to find your way in. it is almost like finding the right door. My daughter had a 6 year relationship with a man who had 2 children and it took some time for them to be comfortable with me. Sadly the relationship ended after I had formed a close bond with them and lost them. Sorry if that is not helpful but I share your pain.

Another thought, have you tried reaching out to the other grand parents?

Three of my grandchildren have step grandparents..they aren,t called”step”they treat the children exactly the same as their blood grandchildren.
When asked how many GC they have both sets say 3 .They are lovely people who wouldn,t want any child to feel different from the other children in their family.
We are very lucky to have them no child can have too many people who love them

I don't think any excuses can be made for how your daughter is treating you, pregnant or not. She needs to man up and be an adult and not use guilt tripping, threats or anything else to control your behaviour. If you are treating your granddaughter and step grandson the same way all the time, what is the problem? Mmmm, your daughter is the problem. Don't pussy foot around her. If she holds you to ransom over this, then what will she do to you in the future when the baby is born?! I just don't get this 'modern' mumzilla attitude.

Your DD yelled at you! That is not normal behaviour.