Deep rift with my DD over grandchildren s behaviour

We all say things we regret when tired I'd start putting yourself first and if the babysitting is getting a lot for you then let your DD find someone else was anything discussed about the childrens behaviour and refusal to go to bed for you

notjustaprettyface
I think you must have been a very difficult controlling mother
Which is fine if that’s the relationship you wished for
But maybe explains your daughter’s attitude.
You criticise your daughters parenting style but that is her choice just like it was yours
Would you have accepted your mother being the same toward you?
That is why people have been harsh.
You seem to want it all your own way.
Moving on, it seems you will need to apologise to both someone said she thought you Hadley a lot of family background issues going on that maybe stressful and tiring for you re your husband if so please just apologise to your daughter to get over the rift for now whilst explaining it’s too much for you and you did not intend to be so harsh

Notjustaprettyface

Well it seems nobody has understood my plea for help
Never mind
I will not apologise to a 5 year old who doesn’t accept authority
She has been badly brought up and that’s the end of that
I fear my Dd will regret her soft parent approach in years to come
Children should be obedient
So I won’t thank u for your help
Once more , this forum disappoints

They’re not your children. Your dd children her rules! I’ve looked after my gc who when young could be difficult, I would never call them names, even when they behaved badly. If I did in the heat of the moment I’d certainly apologise for my action. ( which is independant to the child’s) They are children who occasionally misbehave the same way adults do. You owe your GC and your DD an apology. I suggest you refrain from babysitting until you can see the error of your ways. Even if they are really badly behaved it’s not your place to do anything about it.

My DGD loves me to bits but I had to correct her once for constantly interrupting me when I was talking to someone.
I looked strait at her and said
Shut your mouth, sit down, close your mouth, speak when you're spoken to. Don't interrupt me again it's extremely rude.
The look of shock on her face as I'd finally told her off for the first time ever was priceless.
We had a big hug and kiss after and she said she was sorry without being asked.
I think sometimes you need a direct approach when children play up.

Refusing to go to bed at 10p.m. after an evening of being disobedient and vexatious would be wearing for anyone, never mind a grandparent who volunteered their time to help.

The child, if she does not learn to obey and behave properly will grow up spoilt, find it difficult to make friends and even more difficult to find or keep a job.

The parent should have a stern word with the child about pushing a respected adult beyond her limit.

Letting down another party for an arranged event of meeting without a word of warning is the height of rudeness and inconsideratation. The mother isn’t five!

Yameus You need therapy for your hateful response! Get a life and go and bully someone else.

Notjustaprettyface I feel for you. I've only got one grandchild and she is normally very well behaved but when she was younger and I babysit, either at her home or ours or even in our caravan, she would never settle and took ages, crying and shout that she wanted this toy, that toy, a drink of water, needed the toilet, etc. I suffer from a chronic illness and stress was a trigger so although I started off very calm, as the hour or so of her performing passed my patience grew very thin. I would end up telling her forcefully that I had had enough amd she could cry or shout all she wanted but I wouldn't come back in to see her until she had been quiet for 10 minutes. After that she would go quiet and fall asleep and sleep all night. I can totally see where you are coming from. I have told my daughters when they were younger that they were being horrible and although I loved them at that point didn't like them very much. If your daughter can't see how her children behave then perhaps she needs to be told and advised that until they can behave for you, that you won't be able to babysit.

What a lot of bitchy unhelpful people to "Notjustaprettyface"

Papermonster2 "Your attitude is absolutely appalling! You really do need to take a good hard look at yourself." YOU NEED TO TAKE A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE. Your attitude is absolutely appalling and you really do need to take a good hard look at yourself! So do all the other nasty people on here. What the poster did was not the awful thing everyone makes it out to be. It's not the end of the world and there are some ridiculous comments on here.

Sago Really? Get some counselling? Why do some people think that's the answer to everything? Just a waste of money for snowflakes.

Steppi

I just wanted to say that I thought the responses to your dilemma were totally heartless!
You agreed to baby sit out of the kindness of your heart.
And it turned out to be a difficult time for you.
No one knows the reason why the 5yr old wouldn't go to bed but maybe her mum had told her : " to keep an eye on granny until I'm back! "
Or maybe the child felt insecure and this was the reason she couldn't settle down.
I personally think your daughter should have had the grace to contact you and thank you for devoting your evening to her children ( quite possibly as a favour and no cash exchange !)
So I think your daughter should have been courteous enough to let you know by text at least that she couldn't make the meal!
You have to value yourself as a person and I think some of the responses are undermining to say the least when you are clearly bereaved at what you would see as potential lack of contact.
I think you should just REFUSE TO BABY SIT AGAIN.
Just tell them that you're getting on in years and you can't do it any more.
Do not become an emotional hostage .
I think a lot of succeseful grandparenting is a myth.
I have spoken to many people.
And it seems to me that the most successful grandparents keep a photo and send an asked for gift at Xmas.
How you want to be a grandparent is your own choice.
But , if the more you do , the more you're criticised , then that is not going to work for you.
Your daughter will have to pay for a baby sitter from now on and say : "thankyou" at the end of the babysit.
You deserve comfortable evenings and a bit of kindness.
I don't like to think of you being distraught and taking it out on yourself because you had a difficult baby sitting evening.

I totally agree. Notjustaprettyface asked for advice on how to smoothe things out. Instead she got a lot of flack.

Why all the fuss about calling a badly behaved child horrid? Honestly I only have to go to the local town, in a reasonable area and I hear harassed Mothers saying things to their children in a harsh way.
This Gran was tired, and was dealing with a very rude child late evening, who was being obnoxious. Its human nature.
I have said things like that to my Grandsons, and like I said upthread, they love me, they could not care less about what I said to them at 5 years of age. It's forgot about. The child was not hit, abused or shaken.
Honestly, some of you are so judgemental, and I don't believe that you have always got it right.
The Mothers behavior was dreadful and where her daughter is concerned the apple never fell far from the tree.
I hope Gran does not apologise and the daughter finds someone else to look after her daughter. Good luck with that, if people know what she's like.

So much attacking and criticism. When one is stressed with having to cope with 3 children who are not being compliant, especially at bedtime when the usual routine is not adhered to . . . I can understand that it was strenuous.
I have no advice how to make things straight again, but I have learnt that one should not accuse the person who is stressing one out, eg. not to say "you are being horrible". Instead one has to emphasise one's own feelings, like saying, "I feel sad that you don't want to (whatever)".
I can remember my own childhood when my parents didn't always say things tactfully. My dad loved saying "You are big and old and ugly enough to (do/know this or that)!! Maybe it was a different era.

Sounds very Victorian to me.

If you were my mother I wouldn’t let my kids around you unsupervised. For you to want sympathy from fellow grandsnetters instead of listening to what everyone has to say about your horrible behavior you e come to the wrong place. Children absorb and come to believe the negative things people say about them. Especially from the people who are supposed to love them. Emotional abuse hurts just as much as physical. Lasts longer too. Shame on you, Stay away from children if you can’t see this or listen, before you inflict more scars. I’m horrified at your behavior and the fact you think there’s nothing wrong with it. Get some therapy.

Oh dear has no one out there had a child who despite all cajoling will not do as you ask and they have never lost their cool and said something like that.
Ok in retrospect maybe it was an over reaction but I wonder how many parents in later years will regret not setting some boundaries

Barbadosbelle I totally agree with you.

I'm with notjustjustaprettyface.The behaviour of some of them now is awful. I never did babysitting and I'm glad now.

Sago How rude! I suppose you're perfect! Huh? Thought not.

Are you disappointed because most people have disagreed with what you called your GD? I don’t want you to be disappointed but I do want you to make it up with your D. I have just had to apologise to my DD for sticking my oar in when I shouldn’t have. She ignored my apology and just carried on as if I hadn’t said anything - least said soonest mended …
You have to do what you think best but I do advise you to look at the whole situation you’re living with. You have a lot on your plate. Maybe if you’re not prepared to apologise you could just say that you can’t babysit so much in future, simply that. Least said …

I do think you need to take control of the situation if you want to keep a reasonable relationship with your daughter and grandchildren. Would an apology along the lines of “I was tired and stressed, what I meant was your child’s BEHAVIOUR was horrible.” Then make it clear that you don’t intend to put up with it so you will be stepping back from providing any late night babysitting services and maybe cutting back on daycare too. Your daughter does seem to rely on you a lot to look after her children, taking advantage of your availability without giving much time to them or you.
You need some time to yourself to relax and remember who you are. It will be odd at first, because you haven’t had much time for yourself over the last few years but you really need to be putting yourself first for a while. You don’t need this excessive stress from your family.

Notjustaprettyface says her daughter was "not at all what she wanted". Left me a bit stunned. Children know if they are not "good enough" and I think the OP probably sees this again in her GD. Describing a 5 year old as "nasty"? My father was a bitter and angry man who believed children should be "obedient" - any deviation would not be tolerated. He didn't like us and we always knew it. I'll leave it to you to imagine if we were there for him in later life. I'm not saying parents or grandparents have to be perfect but we are the grown ups and can choose to exercise restraint or at the very least apologise sincerely. I'm glad the GD told her mum - she has been brought up to believe she is worthy.

.

I think that you're getting alot of unwarranted criticism here. I have no doubt that the children's mother has said far worse when stressed and tired.

I think that you should refuse to babysit in the future making it clear that if it's late and the children aren't co-operative then you are obviously too tired by then to cope in a way that you would want.

My parents always said to my sons -

"When you're good, you are very very good. But when you're bad, you're horrid!!"

I now say the same to their sons!!
.

Sago

Is it just me?………calling any child a brat makes me shudder.

It is not just you.

Instead of being angry and cross a softer approach would have helped, reading her her favourite story or just making one up, asking if she’d like you to sit with her for ten minutes or haven a cuddle she was probably totally overtired ( and I m sure you were too )
It’s really not nice for a child to go to bed upset and not good for you either
You didn’t get the answers you wanted on here as you were in the wrong and most people on the whole didn’t agree with you, a few did, but most didn’t
Soften your approach remember a lighter approach will get you a child who is more likely to do what you want than one who is upset and feeling you are against her
Praise her instead of constant criticising
Cuddle her instead of being sharp
Get her on your side and you ll have a winner if your daughter ever lets you near them again

Is it just me?………calling any child a brat makes me shudder.