Deep rift with my DD over grandchildren s behaviour

PaperMonster2

I don’t blame your daughter tbh. Your behaviour towards your granddaughter was pretty horrible. Your granddaughter won’t forget that.

Hear, hear. You have behaved badly and should apologise.

Thank you Starfire57
I will try for his sake but I don’t want to see my daughter if I can avoid it

So is yours papermonster
If you must be nasty , choose somebody else
No time for nasty people like you

Notjustaprettyface

Well it seems nobody has understood my plea for help
Never mind
I will not apologise to a 5 year old who doesn’t accept authority
She has been badly brought up and that’s the end of that
I fear my Dd will regret her soft parent approach in years to come
Children should be obedient
So I won’t thank u for your help
Once more , this forum disappoints

Your attitude is absolutely appalling! You really do need to take a good hard look at yourself.

You didn't cope well, with a young child. Perhaps it may be best to wait silently, as a rational adult, until DD calms. Give DD time.

It's so easy to be wise after the event. It must have been exasperating trying to deal with this child so late and after a long day. It was pretty poor just not turning up to a planned outing and meal without giving any explanation. I'd leave that DD to cool off. Perhaps she'll find a different babysitter next time and they'll tell her how her daughter behaves. Maybe she'll be more understanding then.

People aren’t saints and do lose their tempers at times especially when very tired.

silverlining48

I am sorry notjustaprettyface we were in a similar situation some years ago with a raging 6 year old. We were tired after a long day, the child’s behaviour and attitude towards us was totally unacceptable and tempers were lost on both sides. It happens.
You know your daughter best, speak to her, but maybe cut back on babysitting especially if they need to be put to bed.

Good advice.

I am sorry notjustaprettyface we were in a similar situation some years ago with a raging 6 year old. We were tired after a long day, the child’s behaviour and attitude towards us was totally unacceptable and tempers were lost on both sides. It happens.
You know your daughter best, speak to her, but maybe cut back on babysitting especially if they need to be put to bed.

Notjustaprettyface

Thank you rachifagran
That’s exactly how I feel
The child is being brought up obnoxious and she is never reprimanded for her actions
She’s allowed to decide everything at the age of 5 !
As for my daughter , we have never been close , she doesn’t really care about me , o think she just uses me
She’s never kind and has no compassion even though she knows my situation with her dad in a care home is far from enviable
I don’t want to apologise to her , I don’t know what to do
I love the youngest grandchild and if it wasn’t for him , I think I would cut all ties with her now

Well, within this post you have your answer. You have deep love for the youngest grandchild and if it wasn't for him.......

For him, try to smooth it out. Unlike you, my daughter and I were close. Up until a couple years ago, when her husband left her ,pregnant with my granddaughter , and my grandson. Then his sister, her best friend, started judging me and my daughter became very cold towards me. It hurt.

At first it was her, we stopped going anywhere together or talking like mom and daughters do. Then she tried to alienate the kids, mainly my grandson as she became possessive of him, but they told on her, so now I let her know I know and it's touchy, but they are acting ok with me now.

The grandson, who I was super close with, bought into it for awhile and he treated me bad, and that really hurt.

But now he's better because when he started to kinda turn on me, I finally let my daughter know what they told me starting last year , on up until now. Out of the mouth of babes, as they say. My daughter tried to deny, deflect and blame me somehow. She thinks she convinced me I suppose but I'm not convinced.

My granddaughter, who is younger and wasn't as close to me, told me it mad her mad mommy said untrue things......she's only 5!!!

But from my daughter I have gotten no apology nor compassion for my pain. I think the only reason she isn't fully estranged from me is my husband and son, as they would be caught in the middle.

So, I am like you, if not for the love I have of my 2 grandkids, I think I would cut ties with her now as well. My children were my life, I love her, but to put up with being trashed to my grandkids crossed a line; bad enough she basically deserted me as a mom she used to love to hang out with, but trying to turn grandkids from me, that's low.

And no compassion, or kindness, as you mentioned, same with my daughter. Recently I lost my little doggy I have had for 17 years. My son hugged me, felt sorry, my husband too and even my son's girlfriend, who I do not know super well since it's a long distance romance with them, came over to my house to visit to show her sympathy.

She caught me crying during a movie we had sat down to watch (action movie, so the tears were not for that) and she literally ran across the room to hug me! I could not believe it. She was so kind.

My own daughter said oh, sorry guys on a text and when I saw her only 2 days after it happened, she said nothing, no hugs, no mention. No compassion or kindness. Even just a hey how are you doing mom would have been something. But, no.

So that love for your youngest grandson, if you want to hold onto that, perhaps say you are stressed, you were being pushed and you are sorry you reacted like you did.

However, explain to your daughter that she needs to have her children understand that if they enjoy you babysitting, they need to cooperate just as they would if it was mom putting them to bed. Tell your daughter you need her help in this.....or you can't do it. It's too hard on you.

I get it. I hurts when your kid doesn't have feelings for you, no respect, etc. But your little grandson shouldn't have to pay for that by losing his grandma's company. Do it for him.

I have nothing,but tender memories of my Grandma.
I think that she was an exceptionally kind ,generous and loving person.
I still miss her and always will.

Our generation had Grandparents with Victorian /Edwardian standards and I think that many of us were brought up very strictly as a result.

I can hardly remember my maternal grandparents but I do remember my Grandmother being warm, gentle and very kind. I was very upset, after they had died, to see someone else moving into their house.

Parenting has changed enormously and parents are aware that unkind comments said to children are not the way forward.

Our generation had Grandparents with Victorian /Edwardian standards and I think that many of us were brought up very strictly as a result.

Looking back,my parents were negligent but I realise that they had their own issues.

I was very grateful to my Grandmother for bringing me up.
It caused tensions and jealousy on the part of my Mother.
I did what Grandma told me to .
There was no question of being rude or disobedient.

You are tired at 10.00 pm at night and I don't know what your daughter's situation is. The last thing that she wants to hear is her daughter complaining about you.

Try to smooth things over and make another date - life is too short.

Mackir

This chat should be moved from the Grandparenting forum to the Estrangement forum.

It is in the right place imo.

QuoteSago Mon 02-Feb-26 09:07:58

Reading through Sago's post, Notjustaprettyface, it seems as though your DD is taking the Michael.

Whose children are these - hers and her husband's or yours?

Time she faced up to her responsibilities instead of dumping them on you all the time.
This is your time, for you to find new hobbies, go out with friends, perhaps babysit occasionally if needs be but it seems you are the primary carer. As long as you carry on like this, your daughter will keep taking advantage.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but you're not getting any younger.

This chat should be moved from the Grandparenting forum to the Estrangement forum.

I once babysat for a child in our baby sitting circle who had a reputation for being trouble. I got her into bed and she stayed there.

When her parents returned they were amazed and then they said, 'Oh, of course you are xxxxx's mother,' xxxxx being DD. DD had a a well deserved reputation for out manouvring and out discussing almost everyone except me. People liked her, but she could out reason Sophcles by the time she was 3

What did I do with this child that worked?. Every time the child came out of her room I led her back, shut the door and said nothing. In the end she got bored with this game before I did.

This is what I would have done in this case. if children are in their bedroom, then whether they are in bed or asleep is irrelevant, they will fall asleep eventually if left alone.

With a child like this you need to be consistent and implacable until they give up. DD has said about her childhood that she would usually do as I told her because she knew that if I said what would happen if she didn't, it would happen and I wasn't phased or embarrassed by rudeness of tantrums, not even in public places.

I also had the backing of my wonderful MiL, a reception class teacher. She understood DD almost better than I did and responded n much the same way.

DD has grown up to be a kind and lovely girl

No one is perfect- given the circumstances we can all be tipped over the edge especially by small children who won't go to bed. I've been there too.
However, sometimes these small incidents can get lost in the bigger picture. A child won't be damaged for life by being told they're are horrible on one occasion. However, repeat that everyday and it is a different story.
We all have moments of weakness but are strengthened by our ability to say, 'I messed up, I was tired too, I really wanted to get some rest myself, and I'm sorry I did it. It won't happen again.'
This is how we move forward in relationships with others but also with our own selves.

I have been through your previous posts/threads again OP it’s actually quite concerning!

In one you say you love your grandson too much, what about his siblings?

In another you are worried about him starting nursery and concerned as to what you will do with the extra free time.

This also begs the question that as you have been one of the primary caregivers then why have you not managed to instill some boundaries and discipline?

Finally your thread from 2024;

We had an episode with my grandson yesterday
He was supposed to sleep over at my house together with his sister
He is 5 , she is nearly 4 ; we have done it before and everything has gone fine
But yesterday , my grandson at the end of the first week of holiday , hadn’t seen much of his mum, my daughter, as she works 3 days a week and on the 2 days she doesn’t work , she had put him in activity days all day
I think he had been missing her and when she left him last night at my house , he started screaming , crying and even wanted to run into the road after his mothers car
At the time , I was also trying to feed his sister and their cousin who is 18 months old
His behaviour set his sister off and it was pandemonium
I told my daughter by text to come back for them but she was upset and sent her husband instead
Neither of them has apologised to me
In fact my daughter doesn’t want to talk to me at the moment and says I have let her down
She expected me to deal with the situation so that they could stay and have their sleepover
But I just didn’t know what to do
At one point , my grandson hit me and I responded by a tap on his bottom
The whole situation felt out of control
I am very happy to look after my grandchildren but when a problem like this arises I don’t think it should be the responsibility of the grandmother to fix it
What do you think ?
Add comment | Report | Private message | Quote Notjustaprettyface Sat 03-Aug-24 09:09:14
Sorry if my reply about Scotland offended some of you
The fact that it is illegal to smack a child in some parts of the uk doesn’t make it right or relevant
I am 66 and I got smacked when I was naughty
It was not abuse , it was correcting naughty behaviour
There is a difference !
I have said that yes I shouldn’t have smacked him but he had hit me , he was out of control and I didn’t know what else to do
I did not hurt him and as I said , it is not abuse , it is discipline
It’s very unlikely to happen again as I will take on board the supportive messages I have received and I will set boundaries as to how much childcare I provide from now on
Thanks to those of you who have understood my predicament and given me encouragement

I share the view that you were out of order to speak to the GC like that - I can absolutely understand that you were greatly provoked though.

It sounds as though the task you were set was just a bit too much and you reacted in an unfortunate way.

I hope you will find a way to mend some fences with your DD, whose response is understandable (although she should have told you she was not going to come) - I would not have been happy with someone saying that to a child of mine.

The other side of the coin is that I hope your DD had words with her children over their unacceptable behavior.

If we would like to teach a child what behaviour is wrong and how to apologise and take responsibility then the example must be ourselves.

Notaprettyface Thanks for the last post I feel that is the first time you have connected with me without your hackles going up,
Just to tell you I had my lovely mum in a care home for 7 years visiting her every day after work, and trying hard to protect her, (it was not a bowl of roses) She had dementia was totally deaf , very little sight and loss of mobility (and had a horrible end of life) All this whilst keeping a close eye daily, on my Dad now living on his own and missing and worrying about my mum, and helping out with two very young grandkids whose Daddy had just died, (I m divorced so a lone woman) so please don’t think I haven’t had my share of stress in my life.

I feel from your previous messages you are damaged by all
of your stress and have grown a huge hard shell to protect yourself by blaming everyone else including a difficult 5 year old.

You really need to heal yourself and I m not surprised counselling didn’t work for you because up to now you are not wanting to ‘see’ that you need help and for counselling to work you have to be prepared to see your own faults and your own part in any difficulties and any damages done. You have to step back from your own self preservation.

The way forward…. get help it’s not a weakness to seek help, and it’s won’t be a short term solution either .
Please first see your doctor and when doing so, take your suit of armour off and allow yourself to be truthful. You do need help badly, before you completely crack. and if you do have any counselling you need to realise they may not always say what you want to hear, they may challenge your thought patterns and you won’t like that at all.

Do you have friends or a friend that you can turn to, a shoulder to cry on, you need to allow your sadness out, but most of all you need humility and admittance to your own weaknesses.

I m being honest with how I see it I m not trying to blame or hurt you.

BlueBelle

*As long as there’s no physical violence, it can’t do them harm but if u feel u can’t help , that’s fine ,you dont need to reply*

Well even that post shows a rather sharp, rude retort
Your behaviour sounds really quite out of order, she’s only a little 5 year old, and you obviously can’t cope and to tell a child she is horrible really isn’t on, I m not surprised the mother is not rushing to be with you today
Obviously you can’t cope with three children sleeping over. So be honest and tell your daughter you can’t manage them all late and night and have them singly for sleep overs

I’d wager anyone who can’t get to 10 pm without a calling me a very small
Child a horrible little girl shouldn’t be having any children overnight. And I’m shocked she can’t comprehend her daughter not happily heading
Off to the cinema today with her.

I think it’s hard when you have definite ideas about how life should be, including how children should be brought up. As grandparents these days, it does seem we’re often expected to ‘put up and shut up’ for lack of a better way of saying it. However, in this case, I think I’d bite the bullet and say to my daughter, I’m sorry I lost my temper, I’ve felt tired and stressed, and can I apologise to both of you. I really didn’t mean it. I’m not a fan of texts but if your relationship is such, you may have to do it by text. It sounds like your life is difficult, with your husband in a care home…and understandably you are looking for kindness and affection from your family yourself. You may need to back track a bit, tell yourself that to receive all the love that you want and need, you must put some out there first…even if it feels initially painful. Then, you will reap the ‘rewards’.
As for this forum, it’s great for a lot of things but we live in a harsh world where empathy and sympathy isn’t always forthcoming and this is just a slice of it….

Bluebelle
I stand by what I have said ; maybe you haven’t got experience of how unfriendly nurses and manageresses in a care home are ?
Trust me , it’s dreadful
The 3 grandchildren who I said were very badly behaved are the same ones as in this latest instalment
I love them very much but they are being brought up without boundaries and it is starting to cause problems
Yes I did have a few problems with my son but he is sensitive and he cares and we have sorted it now
His daughter , my other grandchild is very well behaved
My daughter is cold and not at all what I would have liked
She uses me and abuses my good will and I am scared that if I say no I won’t see the children again
And btw I have been to counselling to try and improve relationship with daughter but it hasn’t worked .
So it’s difficult to see the way forward
Yes I am stressed and depressed and lonely and there isn’t that much support out there …