Difficult dil

So hard for you 💐

A surprising number of members of Gransnet seem to have this problem. I admit, I am not exactly best friends with my DIL, but my son loves her, which is to me a very good reason to try to get on with her.

Perhaps anyone in this kind of situation should try sitting down with a writing pad and a pen and make a list of all our DILS' good points. Then do the same for our sons.

Now we get to the really difficult part of the exercise: write down all our own annoyning habits and all the remarks that seem to have been made by US just prior to DIL's boasting or dismissive silence or son's hurtful remarks.

It might just be (probably is) that some of the fault for this unhappy state of affairs is OURS, rather than our children's and their spouses.

Oh, and by all means, stop inviting these relations to go on holiday with you. Use the money to do something you really want to, on your own or with your husband.

She'll be on Mumsnet moaning about her difficult MIL.

Ha ha! I can just imagine that!

How do you know the OP has put her foot in it or that it's 6 of one half a dozen of the other?

CrazyH not a wise move. Why bring up a past girlfriend?

Hmm. Six of one, half a dozen of the other with this poster and her family. No-one comes across exactly covered in glory.
But the OP has clearly put her foot in it with the DIL. and it will be a long road back to a cordial relationship, if one is ever possible.
And whatevet you do, don’t criticise her/their parenting skills. Ever.
I’m pretty sure most grans on here have the sense to not do that.

@MirandaIV

"The whole family is incredibly impressed with themselves and don’t hesitate to boast about their achievements which are often dubious and some of them are quite impossible."

Oh do please tell - particularly the things that are 'impossible'!

I certainly wouldn’t be paying to take them on holiday with attitudes like that. They are abusing your generosity and taking advantage of you. Perhaps pull your son to one side snd tell him in no uncertain terms, that their attitude and behaviour towards you is unacceptable and not something you’d expect from him.
See what he says.
Do your GC come to visit you or do you go to their house?
Maybe ask if you can have the GC for a day here and there at yours, then you wont have to put up with the bad attitude.
…paying for their holidays clearly has not changed her attitude, so just stop. If anything is said, tell them why.

Very unpleasant. But you do well to bite your tongue and not put any pressure on your son. He is in the middle and in the most stressful position of all of you. Even if he is unhappy in the marriage, you can't really help him other than keeping things as smooth between you all, at least on the surface, as you can.
Boastfulness usually comes out of some kind of insecurity. Perhaps if you can find things to praise, it might help your relationship with your daughter in law..
Holidays together must be very stressful. But perhaps it is a way of spending time with your son and grandchildren. I know it is extremely difficult as it is so unfair. But feeling resentful about the money you spend will only make you miserable yourself. Decide whether or not it's worth it to you to pay for the holidays and then stop doing it or continue to do so and let feelings of resentment go as much as you can.
We can't buy love and we can't force it. But it is the most valuable thing in the world. Because it is your son and your grandchildren, you can't really give up on this relationship.Perhaps the graceful thing to do here is to try to be loving yourself , even if you are not getting the love back that you deserve. It may reward you in the end or at least you can feel calm and know you are doing your best. I find it very hard to do these things but I have found by experience that it is always the best way, for myself as well as others. Good luck and my sympathy.

I always think of Mrs Browns Boys when she said “that’s nice” but in her head she was saying “F… you” it takes the sting out!

You need a plan, a strategy.

First thing to tackle is the holiday. I suggest you dont wrip it off like a plaster.
You are irritated by the lack of thanks. They might feel the holiday is imposed on them.
Start backtracking on the holiday. If it’s not yet booked, dont book it. Dont bring the subject up. If they bring it up waffle and change the subject.
Are the granddaughters old enough you could take them away for a short holiday.
Good luck.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, I’m with the comments made by Stitchintime, you do not have to put up with this behaviour from either of them and if it continues the children will pick up on their attitude and start treating you as badly, stop paying for holidays and stand up and be counted, if you allow yourselves to be treated with what is actually contempt it will only continue, harsh but true, stop being a doormat .

If the dil doesn't like spending time with you then she should decline the free holiday. It does seem that todays dils think they can be totally obnoxious and expect their husband's to 'support ' them, heaven forbid he holds a contrary opinion!

MirandaIV

I have to tread on eggshells around my son and daughter-in-law. God forbid that I ever make any comments about the care of my granddaughters.
My daughter-in-law, particularly is sullen and passive aggressive and sometimes barely speaks to me. She is very boastful. She thinks she knows everything about everything and is often wrong, but I would never dare to say anything.
My son tiptoes around her and they seem pretty unhappy together. He is sometimes mean to me in front of her, almost as if he’s been told to pass on her thoughts. But he does apologise sincerely if I tell him that a comment was hurtful.
She has always been like this and her family seem to let her get away with it. The whole family is incredibly impressed with themselves and don’t hesitate to boast about their achievements which are often dubious and some of them are quite impossible.
I really struggle spending time in her company, but if I want to see my GC I have to put up with it. The negative energy is awful to be around.
We spend thousands of pounds taking them all on holiday each year and my husband and are feeling very used. They never ask anything about us and have no interest in our hobbies or jobs or life. Conversation always has to be all about them.
Any advice?

For what it’s worth stop paying for them to go on holiday with you . They are financially taking you for mugs and will continue to do so as long as you keep paying for them to go away with you .
They are presumably in relatively good jobs and can probably afford to pay their own way.
It’s high time that you put yourselves first and foremost rather than them .

Sorry to hear this. I think that our childrens generation, generally speaking, are not as polite as we would like them to be and tend to make it all about them and their children and not ask about our lives, I expect they think we don't have one !
As for pay for expensive holidays, you need to put a stop to that if you are feeling used as the resentment will only grow.
If your DiL is self-absorbed and negative try to ignore it and focus on the GC's who I'm sure are full of fun and energy, after all its them you are wanting to spend time with.

Just tell tthem you are not going on holiday with them, never mind paying for them as you would like some time without the snide remarks they give you. Do not offer or suggest anything to to do with GD. Awful think is your GD will be aware of how her parents respond to you and could well end up the same as her mother.

I can really empathise with this. It sounds like the son is struggling with a - dare I say it? - narcissistic wife.
Definitely should stop paying for holidays and actually going on holiday with the young family isn’t a great idea. Think of how stressful Christmas can be…holidaying with the family has the potential to be similar. I speak from experience! Finally, we must tread carefully to avoid the ultimate “punishment” for grandparents: estrangement. Good luck MirandaIV

Difficult for you. Perhaps read ‘Toxic in laws’ a book by Susan Forward who also wrote ‘Women who love too much’, or a similar title. It’s very helpful about different family and personality types.

It’s also useful for thinking about dynamics with other people including colleagues and neighbours.

^^From Susan Forward, Ph.D., the New York Times bestselling author of Toxic Parents and Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them, comes a practical and powerful book that will help couples cope with terrible and toxic in-laws.


Hope it all improves.

🌷

Yep I can stand in your shoes. Years and years of it but no husband for a shoulder to cry on. Fast forward to 2022 when I married again and now it is me who has walked away. I speak on the telephone to my son weekly but has for visiting no, I wont put myself through it.

It is tough, my son has a partner who has turned very odd since their child, my granddaughter, was born I don't comment on anything they do, but I know she is very lazy, and my son works very hard, so I have to bite my tounge, I would say to you stand back make a busy life for yourself and let them come to you then they will respect you being indipendant

As a retired psychotherapist, I have come across grandiosity being a defence against insecurity. So it could be that DIL does not feel as good about herself as it seems and projects her negative energy into you. So you pock up those anxious feelings.

Why are you spending £10000 on them ??please dont try to buy their love willb never work anyway as they are so ungrateful. There's very good advice and comnents on here.

I understand the pain you have but we just have to accept that family doesn’t always pan out as we would like. I would make a little more distance between yourself and them and definitely stop financing holidays, saying it’s got so expensive now that you just don’t have the funds. Try not to dwell on it too much, make the best of it when you can and otherwise, let it go. I know this is easier said than done but your own wellbeing is more important.

I could write a book. Probably two. You have my sympathies - whichever is the main protagonist its never a pleasant situation. In my case, suffice it to say that after appeasing and turning the other cheek for many years I finally “ snapped” 4 days before Christmas 2025. Straw and camel’s back and all that. (My son , her husband, died 2023 so he is obviously not involved ). There has been no contact since. Sadly there are 3DGDs (early teen) and I fear I may lose contact with them despite my best efforts messaging and texting them.