Difficult dil

Yeh just let them harm their child !

If they are so b----y marvellous and boastful let them pay for their own holidays and go on their own .
Choose and lovely holiday for your husband and yourself and enjoy without them .

seasider

@Madgran77 Great idea

Thankyou. I know it works!!

Make friends with her Mum. You may get some clues to her behaviour. Never judge (out loud). Make sure your life is full and let them come to you.

Spend thousands on taking them on holiday is what is making you resent them...
Why not just offer to take rhe children on holiday to give them a break?

OP please come back and at least let us know if you read and digested any of our responses please?

Ilovedogs22

Oh! Cossy, a little bit harsh but out of the mouths of Gran's, maybe? 😉

Yes, you’re right, very harsh and blunt too!! Shades of my DM, not sure why but this post really rubbed me up the wrong way 🤣🤣🤣🤣

@Madgran77 Great idea

I would never have wanted to holiday with my in-laws.

I truly loved my mother-in-law and did holiday with her twice but it was entirely to please her as she wouldn't have done those particular trips on her own. She really wanted to see where her family were from "once more". I think she was 95 then.

Please don't assume that by paying for a holiday that it is actually a "treat" for anyone else.
If it IS - than that is a lovely bonus.

I'm sorry to say I'd stop the holiday thing as it doesn'tseem to bring any of you much joy. If they have lots of stuff to boast about I'm sure they can still have a holiday if they want!

You will never change anyone else - all you can do is change the way you respond to them.

Once the children are old enough they may enjoy outings with you - or even a short break - and your son and daughter-in-law may be happy for you to "borrow" the children by then.

Meanwhile I'd not comment on parenting and just do as someone said earlier - be friendly and warm but step back a little.
I don't know how long this has been going on but you have my sympathy here. It can't be very nice.

Maybe next time you are looking at holidays you should say "Mr MirandaIV and I are sorry but we think we would like to holiday just the two of us this year - and it will free you up to arranging whatever you fancy".
Then at least they have fair warning that you won't be funding any holidays for now.

Thinking of you 💐

What cossy said

The son is failing everybody here

Oh! Cossy, a little bit harsh but out of the mouths of Gran's, maybe? 😉

Yes, stop paying for their holidays with you. Maybe they don’t actually want to holiday with you.

Why would you want to comment on your DGD’s care?

Just back off, maybe your DiL just doesn’t enjoy spending time with you?

Stop taking them on holiday.

Take the hardly speaking to you as a plus because it relives you of the burden of making conversation and concentrate your time and energy in spending that time with the grandchildren, enjoying being with them.

Smile and say “lovely” or similar to anything they boast about.

Never offer advice or opinion on their parenting. That will make even the nicest of people cross and sullen.

twiglet77

I’m old, long divorced and all parents and former in-laws long gone.

I would never have accepted either parents or in-laws paying for my family’s holiday.

Why? Are you too proud? My mum still pays for me and dp to go away every year and I'm 61 ...i do lots for her...it makes her happy ..........I paid for my DD and 2 GD for their flights to Oz to a family wedding...if o hasn't paid they couldn't have come...ridiculous to be so proud that your kids miss out

I’m old, long divorced and all parents and former in-laws long gone.

I would never have accepted either parents or in-laws paying for my family’s holiday.

Oh MirandalV, my condolences, my dear daughter in law is very similar!
She's arrogant, rude, big-headed & those are just her good points!
I have mini-panic attacks before she graces us with her presence & sometimes I just pretend to be very, very busy & leave her in the company of DH. (Poor man!)

I think a more appropriate title for your thread would be 'Difficult son and d.i.l.'.

Don't pay out for holidays or anything else Miranda and when your d.i.l. or son is rude, call them out. I'm sorry but for your son to be mean to you in front of his wife and then sincerely apologise when she's not around is pathetic and he needs to man up.

Stop paying for their holidays....you are being used as a cash cow

My advice is (1) stop commenting on the care of their children (2) stop paying for holidays - it’s causing you to feel resentful and that’s not a great feeling (3) consider if you want things to be better with your dil and the answer is yes, talk to her about how you feel but dont be critical and let her know you’d like things to improve and ask her how she feels that could happen and then try and work with her. If you don’t want to do any of those things, step back and visit when you know your dil won’t be home.

Out of interesting - what are they "boasting" about?

Do they have achievements that they are proud about that you disapprove of?

Don't make comments on parenting - it is always a bad move unless you are asked for advice

Your son is responsible for his own behaviour - stop blaming your DIL for your Ds's actions.

Stop funding their holidays

Best reply to rudeness is:

Nothing said just a very straight look and raised eyebrows. Then turn away or walk out of room, returning a few minutes later. If asked about this just say " I assumed you didnt mean to be as rude/hurtful/unkind to me as you were so I just left for a few minutes to stop me saying something I would regret" If it starts again ..repeat whole process etc etc. If challenged just say "Its the best way I find for me to deal with such rudeness/ hurtful/ unkindness" etc.If told you are "too sensitive" or similar say "I don't agree but either way I find this is the best way to ...."

I can assure you this definitely takes the wind out unkind people's sails, if you manage to be consistent!

Any advice? yes, respect the position if not the personality.
your dil is on Mumsnet atm with the other side to this tale