Supporting one grandchild financially?

Our family works on 'equity not equality' as a principle. We do what we can to fit particular circumstances on the basis that it will all even out eventually.

Rosie51

I'm pretty sure that the child of mine that doesn't have children has made provision in their will for their nephews and nieces to benefit, this includes their partner's nephew and niece too, so not just blood relatives.

My younger children did that before they had children of their own, at least they told me they did.

CariadAgain

Rosie - you are ignoring a very relevant fact - that there had been an (unprompted) promise. Made quite a few times.

People are likely to remain well aware of how they've been told things are....rather than "shrug in insouciance and forget it".

In that case we might as well forget about the whole idea of marriage in our society - as it's an unprompted promise - on which people are entitled to assume accordingly. We know things may change after the event in that case - one party unfaithful to the other one or one turns out to be violent or getting into loads of debt. But they've made that (marriage in this case) promise and so - bar something nasty turning up "in the woodpile" = that's how it is.

Why make a promise if you have no intention of keeping it? Save your breath instead and say nowt.....

Because circumstances change. I'd rather my money went to my GC than a charity I might not care about. Perhaps your mother felt the same. Fortunately all my children have children.

Rosie51

Well I'm thankful that my four children really don't care about money and inheritance. Each at different times have been given the financial help they needed at the time when we could afford it. If I'd needed to give them all an equal sum at the time, none would have been helped in the way they needed. It has evened out for the most part, and the one that has benefitted least really couldn't care less. When we die they will get equal shares but in life they get what they need and we can afford, and none of them are jealous of the others knowing that when they were in need we helped.
I'd hate to have children or grandchildren who thought they had any "right" to the money my husband and I have worked hard for all our lives. Jealousy is a dreadful emotion that harms the jealous feeler equally as much as those on the receiving end.

True. Mine tell me to spend it on myself. It must be horrible to feel your child has decided the percentage they are entitled to.

Rosie - you are ignoring a very relevant fact - that there had been an (unprompted) promise. Made quite a few times.

People are likely to remain well aware of how they've been told things are....rather than "shrug in insouciance and forget it".

In that case we might as well forget about the whole idea of marriage in our society - as it's an unprompted promise - on which people are entitled to assume accordingly. We know things may change after the event in that case - one party unfaithful to the other one or one turns out to be violent or getting into loads of debt. But they've made that (marriage in this case) promise and so - bar something nasty turning up "in the woodpile" = that's how it is.

Why make a promise if you have no intention of keeping it? Save your breath instead and say nowt.....

Am I mistaken or has there been no mention of the parents in this discussion- surely they should be the first people to be spoken to about this?

I'm pretty sure that the child of mine that doesn't have children has made provision in their will for their nephews and nieces to benefit, this includes their partner's nephew and niece too, so not just blood relatives.

Well I'm thankful that my four children really don't care about money and inheritance. Each at different times have been given the financial help they needed at the time when we could afford it. If I'd needed to give them all an equal sum at the time, none would have been helped in the way they needed. It has evened out for the most part, and the one that has benefitted least really couldn't care less. When we die they will get equal shares but in life they get what they need and we can afford, and none of them are jealous of the others knowing that when they were in need we helped.
I'd hate to have children or grandchildren who thought they had any "right" to the money my husband and I have worked hard for all our lives. Jealousy is a dreadful emotion that harms the jealous feeler equally as much as those on the receiving end.

I already made that plain - my erstwhile brother and his children got 75% (ie between them).

I was neutral to my brother way back to start with when he came along - but I'd certainly realised what he was like by the time he got to teenage (partly because our father told me.....). He may have been his son - but he wasnt blind to what he was like. As he put it "I knew he was going to marry his girlfriend some time before he said so - as he was going round our home openly wondering what furniture he could have" (ie cadge).

It wasn't just money - anything he took a fancy too he wanted. I think the first unwanted attempt at groping me must have been my own erstwhile brother! I was so shocked that he'd just reached out and grabbed that I got out of that parents car quick sharp and made it very plain it was out of order. Looking back - I should have told our father about that - instead of just being shocked and keeping quiet (though he wasn't quite dim enough to try that one on again - as I think he realised I'd "deal with that" one way or another if he tried). I would have slapped his face very hard and then told our father why I'd had to if he'd tried that one again...

Yep....he was always a little grabber - for anything he wanted and cultivating potentially "useful" people and right from boyhood had an eye for potentially useful people. At least I was aware what he was like and, in fact, (at our fathers suggestion) made out a will the second I finally managed to buy a house. Our father very promptly told me I had to watch out for men then - and that that included my own brother and said that he'd automatically get my house if I didnt make out a will to stop him (by leaving it to something/someone else). He even put our mother up to asking me deliberately if I was going to leave it to his children - whilst my father carefully kept schtum that I'd made sure to leave it to somewhere/someone/anyone else other than him and his children. He has been told it's left elsewhere and the gist of the huge battle he will have on his hands if he tries anything come the time....yep...it's going to the "local cats home" (or, in my case, to an environmental cause). They'll fight him tooth and nail if he tries anything...and they will win.

People seem to decide for themselves what is 'fair' when it comes to inheritance - a quick look on MN shows the angst about it all. There is a current one where someone says her sister looked after the late mother - did all her shopping for many years, took her in when she needed a home and more, whilst the poster hadn't visited for four years. Mum died and left most of the estate to the sister, and poster is outraged. She was getting short shrift last time I looked, but all the same - how can someone decide that they are entitled to someone else's money?

We will leave our children 50% each, assuming things stay as they are, but reserve the right to change that if circumstances change. If one becomes ill, or has a child who needs care, or who knows what, we might adjust accordingly, but would make that clear at the time it happened. I can honestly say I doubt either would object - both are very independent anyway, and want us to enjoy our lives without looking towards what we might leave behind.

When the subject comes up with friends, it is clear that some are leaving their money between the children and leaving them to pass it on to grandchildren when the time comes. Others are missing the children out and leaving it to the next generation, yet others have split between children and grandchildren, and so on. It gets more complicated where blended families come into play. None are right and none are wrong.

I think people should be grateful for what they get, not resentful of what they don't. I can see that being led to expect something that doesn't materialise will cause disappointment, but at the same time I can see that there are people who would take badly to being told that they weren't going to get what they already see as 'theirs' so I can understand parents not spelling that out.

I would be hurt if my parents left me out of their will - of course I would - but I know that my sister's side of the family will get a much bigger share than mine or my brother's, as she has more children and they have children of their own, and I don't resent that in the least. They are all my mother's descendants after all.

Cariad Im not clear what your mother did. Did she leave your brother 75% or did she leave each of her descendants 25%? I think that is relevant.

Maybe she was looking to the future and thinking you weren't likely to pass the inheritance on to her GC which she'd have wished. It is complicated but hey you got an inheritance and some of us have never inherited a penny.

Fairness is not always a straightforward concept.
Sharing money out equally does not always = fairly.
My mother left her money equally between my sister and myself but hers is in a Trust as she is disabled whereas I received mine outright. This has meant I have been able to help my children whereas my sister’s children have to wait until their mother dies to benefit. I’m not saying that is unfair , just that life is different for different people, sometimes of their own making but often not. My grandchildren have all made their own different choices and if I prefer not to put my money into supporting some of those choices whilst I am alive that is up to me. They will all get the same when I die, that’s not changing.

theworriedwell

Cariad was it that they felt they had four descendants so each got 25%? To you it feels unfair but if that was how they saw it I don't think it's unreasonable.

We were both always told that it would be 50/50 erstwhile brother and myself. It came as a shock from the blue to find my mother had changed things - I know it would have been her doing and my father went along with it. The time I found out there had been that secret change was just after our mother died (the 2nd parent of them to die) - when I got a copy of the new will. I knew (because our mother had said so years before) that he had downright asked for more and she hadnt done it then...it was basically my "punishment" by her for moving to Wales....though he (and their grandchildren) had moved years before to much further away. So - if he could I could too obviously - but nope I got "punished" for doing so.

But - that was what the promises were - ie 50/50. Add he was married and I was/am single (with all the extra expenses - not by choice - that that involves). Erstwhile brother married into a comfortably off family and his wife had already had an inheritance when he got this 2nd one. To me - it's the one and only one I've ever had or likely to have.

I know he was/is the "thicker" one of the two of us - by a LOT. But the counterbalance is I'm the one with more integrity than him and she knew that integrity costs money to have often and it's certainly cost me quite a bit over my lifetime. I stop and think "What's right?" and don't even factor the financial cost into my decision (if it's right = it's right and that's what I tend to do). He never does - and just does what suits him financially. I just think "Well at least I can sleep at night" and so I'm very prone to "doing the right thing". I know I could have been extremely wealthy! - by marriage (twice over in fact). I know I could have been better off in other respects. But......I like to sleep at night with a clear conscience. She did not like me turning out like my father in that respect - if he thinks something is wrong he does tend to speak up (and he sometimes got in trouble for it too).

I saw who her favourite was back in early childhood - when there was a fairground attraction and she said she only had enough money for one of us and my brother was going to have that. The Universe helped out at that point - ie there was an exactly matching bit of coinage on the ground at my feet and so I deliberately picked it up and used it to pay for my ride too. So I knew at a very early age how she saw things - him first. There was quite a bit of favouritism over the years - and I probably don't know the half of it. This was just par for the course for her to do.

I take the same view as my best friend - she told me long back that it doesn't matter to her that one of her sons had 4 children and the one I went out with for some time had 2 children (by a subsequent relationship). She was going to give both sons 50% each come the time - even though one of them had more children than the other and it was up to them what they did beyond that.

I think that considering someone else's money as one's own is incredibly entitled. There is no 'my' 50% of a parent's money - it is 100% theirs to do with as they please.

When it comes to giving money to family members, I think it's very tricky. The advice is often to give it when needed, but that assumes a bottomless pit. If a parent of 3 children has (for round figures) £3000 'spare' and one child asks for £2000, there is not enough to give the other two children the same amount, however much they might need later in their lives. The choice is whether to give them £1k each, so the one asking only gets half of what they need and the others get £1k each that they may not 'need', or to comply with the one who asks and either give the others nothing until they ask for it or split the leftover £1000 between the other two which may seem like favouritism.

None of that is 'fair', and that's before you start factoring in things like why one child has more or less than others. Is it because they have chosen not to work, or they haven't worked as hard? Have they been extravagant with money and the others have saved? Should those who have made more effort be penalised for having more in the bank? Is the differential because of a disadvantage such as disability or unfortunate life events (divorce, bereavement, accident or something)? There are all sorts of possible reasons why someone needs money - should they be taken into account?

I don't think that it's always possible to be 'fair', and it's not always the best thing to do anyway. It would (IMO) be wrong to give one child a gift and not the others, but helping one child who needs that help is different. Probably

Cariad was it that they felt they had four descendants so each got 25%? To you it feels unfair but if that was how they saw it I don't think it's unreasonable.

friendlygingercat

My parents decided to leave 3/4 of the etate to my sister because she had "given" them grandchildren and I had elected to be childfree. There was a time when I returned to education as a mature student and could have used a bit of financial support. However I never asked them and it was never offered. It is a source of pride to me that I initially supported myself and funded myself when I began an mA. (Although I later won a studentship from the Uni) I distanced myself from my parents as a direct result of their favoritism so yes it did come back to bite them in the bum.

You are in the exact same position as I am - my erstwhile brother and his children grabbed for and were left 75%. I'd had the suspicion my mother would do that for some time - given erstwhile brother had actually had the cheek to ask for some of my 50% previously. It came out for sure that the will had been changed as soon as final parent (mother) had died and I had to cope with that as well as everything else. Cue for feeling of utter betrayal and a bottle of brandy in one hand and pair of sharp scissors in the other hand - ie as I cut up the family photos our mother had given us each a copy of. The obvious favouritism ranks as highly as the missing money in my mind.

So - yep....my sympathies for sure and you becoming a mature student was certainly an opportunity they could have taken to help you with ensuring you were able to remain in the workforce and maybe get a higher level/better paid job at the end of it. I wouldnt have asked in your position - but would have accepted an offer if it had been made. Even if you had decided not to accept any offer given - at least you'd have the comfort of knowing it had been made.

One wonders how parents justify helping one more than the other. I think possibly part of it was my father was very conscious of the huge intelligence gap between E. brother and myself and so thought I'd manage the world better - but he did not take into account the integrity gap (ie E. brother not having any integrity basically and so he would grasp his way more than someone like myself would - as I stop and consider if things are fair all round and those are thoughts that wouldnt cross E. brothers mind).

so yep....re original question and siblings have to be treated equally and it needs to have that made plain that is how things are at the time one of them gets something that the others will get equivalent too. I'd definitely not advocate an "It will all even out later" response - in case it doesn't.

Maybe an equivalent amount of money for others could be put carefully to one side - both signatories needed or something (ie yourself and the child concerned) - so there's no "wondering" even if they will all be treated equally over time and yet there is a safeguard in place so that the money doesn't just get blown if they're a bit feckless.

It’s a tricky one. I have done this and to a certain extent still do and all the family know and accept it. Extenuating circumstance caused us to do it otherwise uni would not ever have been an option. I might be called on to help out for another gc for uni this September again because of similar extenuating circumstance but I will keep everyone informed. I have never had any backlash! I don’t have a huge income, pensions only, but it’s my money and if there’s a real need and it makes the difference between going to uni or not then I don’t see a problem. Also there was no wild drinking etc because they’re just not into that and the grades achieved throughout bore testament to that. If you want to do it then I would say go ahead.

Before giving your gc any money find out what they might need in their studies and buy a gift instead, either directly or giving them money for the specific item. Books can be very expensive or they may need an up to date laptop. Later during the course they may need help so there is no reason why you shouldn't make up food parcels or help buy further items needed for study. There are different ways of helping.
I remember my Mum and Dad buying my younger brother several cars as he managed to go through gear boxes and his "friend" used to tell him they were too expensive to repair. They also helped out my older brother financially on numerous occasions. Me? I borrowed £400 to buy my first car, paid it back, borrowed again towards new, much needed furniture, paid it back, borrowed to buy a sewing machine, paid it back. It never occurred to me that the brothers were treated differently, although, with hindsight, I realise now what leeches and lowlife they are.

Does anyone have kinship of a grandchild were about to start our assessment were meeting a kinship worker this week

I feel the same way as REKA. I would feel too guilty to favour one over the others. And as for not finding out, what if at some point the 'favoured' one - for whatever reason - just blurts it out to the others. That could have repercussions for your relationship with the whole family.

Deep down I agree. I passed on money from my parents, the same sum to each grandchild into their JISA. The thing is though REKA, the cousins are older and there hasn’t been the same need for me to step up as there is for the youngest one. So until one of them is at the stage of getting married or buying a property it would be weird to just hand out an equivalent sum. Ihave so far treated them equally at Christmas and birthdays though this youngest one has possibly had more small treats as I have been more involved with his ( my daughter’s) family.
As for the irresponsible one, he has just spent over £300 on Valentine’s Day treats for him and his girlfriend.

If I say I have had very little connection with the older two over the years ( they are now in their twenties) does that make a difference?

Yes, I think it means you favour this grandchild and though we can't help how we feel about people we can help how we act.

I would treat them equally. If you are helping this grandchild now I'd ringfence the same for the other two.
I'd probably gift the one buying a house straight away and hold onto the 3rd gift for the future

All mine would get the same. I just couldn't give one more than the others. My mind can't cope with that.

Oops - fat fingers !

If you favour one member of your family please don't expect your generosity to be
accepted .

My elder girl considered her sister to have been favoured by her grandfather though she was not always right .
Her sister thought that her older sister was more entitled and again - she was not always correct in her assumptions.
It's caused a great deal of bad feeling and resentment .
At times I've been the piggy in the middle of all the conflict .

I'm tempted to be more generous in my will towards one of my grandchildren,because she is neurodiverse and very unlikely to support herself.
I know that it will cause jealousy and anger .

If you favour one member if your fa