Sleep issues with grandchildren

Farmor15

I'd start by not staying in the room until they fall asleep. Do the usual story etc, stay another few minutes, then say goodnight and leave. Tell them you'll come back to check on them shortly. If they come out, bring them back and tuck into bed again. I think there's some evidence that if they get used to falling asleep on their own, they're less likely to look for company if they wake in night.

I agree and also little rewards always help, so staying asleep all night and staying in their beds all night and not getting up in the night. Good luck

It really isn’t weird to sit with children when they go to sleep. It’s just a normal part of parenting if the child needs it. It was part of my daughter’s bedtime routine. Sadly it was never part of mine.

sle1964

I have 4 and 6 year old grandchildren. They spend the night weekly. Their dad is deployed and mom works also, so I'm sympathetic to missing their parents. They need someone to be in the room while they fall asleep and if they wake up at night. This stems from it being done this way at home. I have a rollaway bed in their room for when they fall asleep, but they know I go to my own bed after. They call out or come get me if they wake in the middle of the night. I know this needs to change because it's wearing me out, but what should be the next step?

This bedtime sitting appears to be one of the weird tyrannies of modern parenting. (Where do they get these notions from?)

ex-dil used to spend hours sitting with the GC ( on her phone of course)until they fell asleep. It was her presence that kept them awake. She told me it would be cruel to leave them to "cry themselves top sleep"'. I agreed and explained my four had never been sat with OR cried themselves to sleep at bed time. Even as very tiny babies there was a soothing bedtime routine that settled them down; then they were left in peace, fed, warm, (swaddled as newborns) serene and calm, and happily drifted off. No crying. Sometimes you might hear some babbling to teddy or talk to a sibling.

When the GC came to stay with us as toddlers with their dad not mum, (on the coast) and I was putting them to bed we did the same . A calm bedtime routine. I yawned and told them that sea air makes people very sleepy so I was going downstairs, good night. They happily accepted this as part of the fun at Granny's, settled without a whimper and (of course) were flat out a minute later when I peeked in.

As for night time waking; with my children whatever care they needed during the night , the light stayed off, we stayed in their dim room , no conversation or games ; if they needed a feed or nappy or winding or later a wee or drink of water or comforting from a dream, it happened in soothing comforting silence with no more than a little soothing hum or song. No stimulation at all.

Could they sleep on the rollaway bed in your room? Or could your OH sleep in their room with them?

CPAP - not chap!

I do think the chap makes this situation much harder.

You have my sympathies with grandchildren and sleep disturbances.

Could whichever child wakes up first at night, be encouraged to crawl into bed with the other one, for comfort and to go back to sleep? When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors after my parents' divorce, and I would creep into my sister's bed and simply go back to sleep. (We laugh about it now, at 76 and 78).

I hope you find a solution. You're a good gran. 🥰

You're all far more tolerant than I would be in that situation, I'm afraid. My two always slept in their own room from day one and my GS has been the same when he's stayed with us. At their ages, there's no reason why they shouldn't be able to sleep in their own room, on their own. I'd be saying if they can't stick to that, they can't stay - it's as simple as that.

I m with you LOUISA mine are all grown up but when they were small if they weren’t able to settle then they d sleep with me I never saw this need to be strict about where they slept as long as they slept .

It's one night a week ...it wouldn't bother me....in fact it doesn't...I have 2 of my GDs to sleep at least once a week .....they are 10 and 7 and don't sleep alone at home ....so its no different at mine ....I sleep in the same room as them and go to bed same time as them (.about 9pm) ....there will come a time when they don't want granny snuggles so I just go with it....to be honest OP if its not happening at home then very unlikely for them to change their habits at yours....and you don't want them growing up with bad memories....if its too much I would just say ....the parents will need to find alternative care

I think that not staying in the room might be the answer as long as they are confident you are going to check on them. That works with one of my dgc but not another who is frightened of the dark. If it doesn’t work with yours I’d buy a new comfortable rollaway and, as Macaydia says, stay with them all night even if you have the door open and are partly in the hall for a bit of dark and quiet. Or would Grandad sleep with them if you need the cpap machine in your bedroom? Sometimes children just need to know someone is with them. However I don’t see how you could stop them waking in the night. I would definitely not upset them when they are so little for one night a week or their sleep might be even worse. Perhaps you yourself could go to bed earlier?

sle1964 your grandchildren have my sympathies, but you're important too.

Are they warm enough in bed, especially if the heating goes off overnight?
I sometimes wake up if I'm just not quite warm enough. A fleecy blanket on top of the duvet can add a bit of cosy weight.

We trained our children at a similar age that if they could hear our radio they could come into our room, if not it "wasn't time" and they had to go back to bed.
They always had books and their favourite toys.
Children do have to learn that adults need their sleep!

Farmor15 - I think I’m leaning towards that actually

I'd start by not staying in the room until they fall asleep. Do the usual story etc, stay another few minutes, then say goodnight and leave. Tell them you'll come back to check on them shortly. If they come out, bring them back and tuck into bed again. I think there's some evidence that if they get used to falling asleep on their own, they're less likely to look for company if they wake in night.

Macaydia you are very tolerant ! Why on earth should sle1964 be inconvenienced every week, when it is clear it compromising her physical and emotional health.

If the parents are happy for you handle this in your own way then do just that. Explain to the children what is going to happen and be firm. Dont be swayed by their tears and don't feel guilty. Its good their parents are happy to let you manage this but it smells a bit like 'passing the book ' They need to speak to their children about the new regime. This will not be easy but your health must be a priority, you don't deserve this hassle.

Thank you everyone for your feedback, it has been helpful

I think the "is it sleeptime or daytime" just has to be repeated.
"Oh dear it's still nighttime"
"See you in the morning"
😬

And maybe point out that if you don't sleep you will be too tired to be any fun the next day?

Monica - I have had several discussion with their mom. She said to do whatever I need to do in my house and has told the grandchildren to respect our rules. I just need to follow through and tell them that things are changing. I let my sympathies for missing their parents get in the way.

Malaysia - that has crossed my mind, but the rollaway is really uncomfortable and hurts my back. Not to mention, the night light makes it difficult to sleep. The older one snores, and the younger one sucks on her blanket. I also need to use a CPAP machine when I sleep.

Why not discuss this with the children's parents? Surely they will understand that as you get older you cannot cope with disturbed nights.

If it is only one night a week, I would stay all night on the roll away bed.

Oh and dont forget, you are doing the parents a massive favour having the children overnight every week !!!, It is not the other way round !

Difficult ! It seems this stems from a habit that started in their own home ? I do sympathise but if the parents want you to continue you having their children stay over ....it has to change.
Speak to the parents tell them you are worn out and devise a plan of action . It can be done. If the children realise that Mum , Dad and GM are all on the same page there is a strong chance of success. It will probably take considerable time but will be worth it in the end! Of course there will be tears- tough ! Sounds harsh but needs must. If parents are not prepared to try then quite simply you must not be prepared to have them overnight! Their children not yours and you should not be expected to be in this weekly trauma. Its ridiculous. Be firm and good luck.

They already have a toddler clock that is red when it's time to sleep and green when it's time to get up. Yes, the rollaway is the bed I sleep on when in their room.