MIL will not stop nagging us to babysit!

toxic love!!! Just because she's an over zealous GM; ridiculous as is suggesting that if her m.i.l. doesn't do as she's told, she wont see her GD for a year Hithere.

Children are just that, children and shouldn't be used as bargaining tools.

Yes it is a funny old world Cardamomand TBH I'm glad that we never had to try and negotiate what seems to be for some, the minefield of grand parenting.

OP, obviously you and your MIL have very different personalities and you find her overwhelming and pushy, but how does your daughter feel about being with her grandmother? Did you say your daughter is five? Does she enjoy sleepovers at her grandmother’s and seem relaxed spending time with her?

A sleepover at MIL’s solves the problem of your dislike of having MIL driving you crazy in your home, and if some arrangement can be agreed between you for the occasional sleepover it might work out satisfactorily all round, as long as your daughter seems happy with such an arrangement. I think her responses to her grandmother are all-important.

Hithere

The moment your MIL involved your child in asking you for sleepovers and babysitting crossed a major line.
That is unacceptable and manipulative.

What do you and your dh want? What have you replied to that question to her directly?
What do you do when she asks your daughter in front of you?

I would not let that toxic love around my child, personally.
I would tell my MIL - each time you bring it up and we tell you no, thats a month you dont see our family.
If you dare ask our daughter again, you wont see the family for a year

Time for mama bear to come out

That's interesting to know, I can usually understand what grandlarent behaviours are OK & which aren't, but I may have done this in the future if I hadn't been warned ('ask your Mum if...').
I remember this as something my grandparents would say to me (when Mum was present) or my DSs grandparents would say to them, I don't think we felt pressured by it, although I used to think 'no point me asking Mum for anything she doesn't herself want'.
I can just about see it might be a bit irritating & possibly confuse the child, so definitely will not say that myself (my grandson's not sleepover age yet)

"Thank you for your kind offer; we will let you know when we need it." - and repeat.

The central worrying thing here is that your MIL is using your child as leverage. I cannot begin to tell you how damaging this is. You need to take your child from the room every time she does this.

My mother did this to my small DD just ONCE - she got the message from me loud and clear that this was unacceptable. I spent my childhood in that painful bind and was incensed when it was tried on a child of mine,

Good morning smileless!

Good afternoon Hithere

Hithere

The moment your MIL involved your child in asking you for sleepovers and babysitting crossed a major line.
That is unacceptable and manipulative.

What do you and your dh want? What have you replied to that question to her directly?
What do you do when she asks your daughter in front of you?

I would not let that toxic love around my child, personally.
I would tell my MIL - each time you bring it up and we tell you no, thats a month you dont see our family.
If you dare ask our daughter again, you wont see the family for a year

Time for mama bear to come out

Just remind me how many GC you have? 🤔🙄

I am a mother in law three times over and I have never assumed anything, I have done a lot of child care for five grandchildren between 1988 and 2020 but only when I was asked. Where you are a mother in law rather than a mother there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed and I’m sorry your mother in law doesn’t understand this, she may find out the hard way.

Should be ‘when’ rather than ‘where’ at the beginning of the second sentence.

Your husband needs to take the lead and tell his mum kindly what the position is.
When you are having these conversations does he join in? If he doesn’t then he should.

BlueBelle

I think you re on the wrong site ask on mumsnet ?

I would not say the wrong site as the OP is asking other Grans their opinions, you know mumsnetters would tell her to go be quite harsh and perhaps cut her her Mil off completely by going no contact.🙄.
In answer to you question, I would be plain speaking and be as firm as possible without sounding harsh and say I am sure xxx will love another sleep over but at the moment she has lots going on so we will let you know when it's convenient for everyone.
Could you just do them during school holidays for instance but without setting a firm pattern, as I find some people fixate on that too.
My own MiL would be like this once you started something it was that day every week and you were made to feel guilty if it didn't happen.

How old is your daughter?

It would annoy me too especially if she's not long had a sleepover and keeps asking so much, sounds like she's trying to wear you both down.

I wouldn't let it get to you, just keep it light 'thank you for the offer, we will let you know when' etc.

Your husband needs to take the lead and tell his mum kindly what the position is that's precisely what's needed silverlining.

Why does this all sound familiar?
🤔

The daughter is five years old. OP says they are introverted, I don't know if that is just her and her husband or the little girl as well. Sounds like the mother-in-law is more extroverted, maybe that's why they don't get on. If the little girl is extroverted, like her gran, she probably loves spending time with her, she may think she's fun and exciting, outgoing and sociable, all things that introverted people are not. There's nothing wrong with being introverted, but assuming this means quiet, shy, unsociable, uncommunicative, it is probably a pretty calm and peaceful household. If the 5 yr old is happy with this it's fine, but if my almost 3 and 5 yr old granddaughters are anything to go by, they love a day with me, having fun, going crazy, boisterous and laughing their heads off 😂🤣.

I'm an only child and was brought up in adult company, I couldn't relate to other children who were boisterous, noisy and mischievous. I now enjoy nothing more than acting the goat with my granddaughters, seeing how high I can get on the swing, letting them stick stickers all over my face, singing songs at the top of our voices and dancing on the patio 💃🎶🎵.

I really hope OP's daughter gets to enjoy the company of her gran, it's a completely different relationship to that of parents. Most of us no longer have the worries and concerns of young parents, we've been there, done that, and come out the other side. I don't feel as strung up as I did thirty years ago, I am comfortable in my own skin, I feel more confident and relaxed.

Don't worry, be happy 😁.

Chalk and cheese isn't it?
Neither is right or wrong, just different.

If she's 5 she's at school which means only weekends are free, well, Friday and Saturday night.

We've just had the Easter holidays so maybe if your daughter enjoyed it, say the next holiday? I think that's end of May?

During the school week is a no, they need routine and an early night otherwise it dominos through the week.

Smileless2012

^toxic love^!!! Just because she's an over zealous GM; ridiculous as is suggesting that if her m.i.l. doesn't do as she's told, she wont see her GD for a year Hithere.

Children are just that, children and shouldn't be used as bargaining tools.

Yes it is a funny old world Cardamomand TBH I'm glad that we never had to try and negotiate what seems to be for some, the minefield of grand parenting.

I have to agree about "toxic love"! And not seeing for a year. That doesn't actually solve anything does it

She IS over zealous and definitely needs speaking to particularly about using the GD as a bargaining tool. I do think "broken record" is useful when someone won't stop ...after having a proper conversation about the problem without GD present. But it seems communication is a problem even when MiL was looking after GD weekly. And I can see how easily it slips into "putting up with" for a long time sadly

silverlining48

Your husband needs to take the lead and tell his mum kindly what the position is.
When you are having these conversations does he join in? If he doesn’t then he should.

Good point!

Poppy Blue Neither is right or wrong, just different.

Hmm I do think MiLs behaviour is wrong ..even though I dont think it is malicious. It needs addressing but with some understanding whilst also being very clear about what is ok and what is not

I absolutely detest people speaking through children in the manner you describe. It’s not innocent at all; it’s highly manipulative.

Having said that, communicate. Do it respectfully and kindly, but do use your words. People aren’t mind-readers. Perhaps your husband should take the lead to let her know you’re all finding constant requests overwhelming and the she needs to refrain from putting the child in the middle of her requests.

Guys, Her behavior is having the opposite effect. It makes her seem like a safe person. I don’t want to be around often or want my child to be around a lot. Someone suggested a regular monthly type date, but I have concerns that giving her a day she is entitled to will make her behavior worse. I feel so stuck.

My husband is happy to intervene, but unfortunately, she only does this behavior around me. I’m the one she nags for babysitting. I’m the one she talks through my child around when trying to set up another babysitting day. As I mentioned, when she did have weekly babysitting sessions, her behavior was on its worst and when it was time to cut down on babysitting, so my mother had a chance to babysit, she called me and had a formal conversation with me, asking how she can see her granddaughter more. At that point, she was babysitting twice enough, which to me is plenty. It was at that time that I realized if she is going to be given regular babysitting dates it’s only going to result in more headaches for us. Because if we are tired of it or if life changes, she’s going to get more needy and demanding.

I also find it weird, but she will literally text my husband and tell him to go do something like go golfing so she can babysit. It’s becoming very intrusive and I just want to be left alone.

Grandparents are supposed to be a source of support and are supposed to work with the family, instead, this feels like some sort of custody battle.

Sorry my above post should say “ At that point, she was babysitting twice a month”

Hithere The MIL is over enthusiastic and wrong to involve the Grandchild, but honestly your reaction is so over the top.

Succulent ^ She called me and had a formal conversation with me, asking how she can see her granddaughter more.... we are tired of it or if life changes, she’s going to get more needy and demanding.^

I also find it weird, but she will literally text my husband and tell him to go do something like go golfing so she can babysit. It’s becoming very intrusive and I just want to be left alone. this feels like some sort of custody battle.

Allow your Husband the pleasure of dealing with his over entitled mum. Don't answer if she calls, don't text, she'll talk at him. End of.

Good advice Norah. Leave this to your husband Succulent.