The importance of grandparents - we could have told them this!

eddiecat78

I suspect that the reason for "the grandparent effect being strongest for the mother's mother" is because the father's mother often doesn't get a look in.

In my case, SiL’s parents spend at least 3x more time with DGDs than I do. They are lovely and get on better with DD than I do! C’est la vie

We looked after our two younger grandchildren during term time so their parents could work without worrying.
I wouldn’t say it was hard work as they both established good routines during the day and then started at nursery at age 4, taking and collecting 5 days a week.
We kept on until the youngest started at secondary school and we’d be there for when they arrived home . We did less as they got older and we had more time to enjoy our retirement, but our grounding and encouragement to them both has helped make them the delightful adults they are today. Their parents are eternally grateful for all the love , care and support we gave them during their childhood years.

Recent research shows very small children notice how relaxed mum is around visitors. That person is a safe person and more often than not that is maternal mum.

Not perhaps surprising if the mother’s mother is often thought to be ‘best’.
The biological link is stronger that for the paternal GM - though of course I’m aware that there are many paternal GMs who are wonderful with their Gdcs, and maybe take more trouble with them than the maternal ditto.

My elder Gdcs at maybe 7 and 8 were wide eyed, when I told them that the tiny egg cell that much later turned into them, had in fact been present in their mummy’s tummy before she was even born, so part of them grew inside me, too.

I was fortunate enough to know and love all my grandparents especially my maternal Gran. I wish they were all still here. I even knew one set of great-grandparents. I could not imagine life without grandparents. I am now a grandmother and try to be kind and generous just like they all were. I consider myself very lucky.

We have exactly the same going on with our granddaughter at the moment. I have invested loads of time and effort with her but now she is 14 she doesn't want to know us. She doesn't answer any messages and doesn't come to see us. Even more upsetting is that my daughter thinks that's acceptable. I am so upset. 🥲

What about those children who never get to spend time with a grandparents because of estrangement. It's an epidemic now so there will sadly be 1000s of children that will never know the wider loving adults that could be a positive influence in their lives. I'm not talking about abusive parents who AC have gone NC because of that but those who have been shut out with no real answers as to why.

I loved my grandparents, They remain a big influence in my life, they were kind, gp hard working, family the most important thing, they set boundaries gently, they talked with us about their lives. They made us feel clever, good, loving children

I try to follow their lead with my grandchildren,

So interesting to read about experiences of your GPs, having lacked them myself.
My paternal GPs died when I was two and my maternal ones were divorced, DM and siblings brought up by a cruel stepmother, their mother having gone to America. DM said she was saved by her GM, with whom she lived for a year. We did see our GF and the stepmother about once a year. They were rich but mean and the stepmother got everything and left nothing to her stepchildren and families (DM even had to persuade her to let her brother have GFs watch.)
The miracle was that after a chaotic childhood, DM became a great mother and grandmother, beloved and admired by all.

Witzend

Not perhaps surprising if the mother’s mother is often thought to be ‘best’.
The biological link is stronger that for the paternal GM - though of course I’m aware that there are many paternal GMs who are wonderful with their Gdcs, and maybe take more trouble with them than the maternal ditto.

My elder Gdcs at maybe 7 and 8 were wide eyed, when I told them that the tiny egg cell that much later turned into them, had in fact been present in their mummy’s tummy before she was even born, so part of them grew inside me, too.

As children share the same proportion of DNA with their father’s mother as with their mother’s mother - 1/4, on average - I’m not sure there’s a stronger biological link with the mother’s mother?

According to 23andMe, the amount shared by a child and any grandparent can be between 17% and 34%. But 25% is the average, and it isn’t different for father‘s parents or mother‘s parents.
customercare.23andme.com/hc/en-us/articles/212170668-Average-Percent-DNA-Shared-Between-Relatives

On average, half of the DNA that a man passes on to his daughters was in his mother‘s body before he was conceived. And half of the DNA that a woman passes on to her daughters was in her mother‘s body before that woman was conceived. It’s the same amount, on average.

I had a lovely relationship with my GPs. Despite their apparently many (previous generation 🙄) faults.

I’m lucky enough to have a great relationship with my 5 (now adult) GCs as well. 😊

My maternal grandparents had 13 grandchildren and my paternal grandparents had 9. Neither set of grandparents displayed any interest in any of us. If we had met them in the street they probably wouldn't have known us. Both sets had thriving businesses which consumed their every moment.
Here's the rub...all of the grandchildren have succeeded in life; academically and with their careers, a few experienced relationship problems, but only a few.
It was our parents who instilled in us the drive to succeed. We were all born after WW2 and everything had to be worked and saved for. We knew the value of everything. That's the difference between then and now.
These think tanks make my blood boil.

I did one day's care for DGS and his nana (much younger) did 2 to save money. It did mean a closer bond all round. When he started school, I volunteered to help with reading, and several of his class would call me grandma by mistake. I still see a few of them even though they are now in Y8, but as I still volunteer, it is lovely to meet their younger siblings.
The school playground in the afternoon seems to be about 50/50 of parents and grandparents so we must have our uses.

No one just shuts out people for no damn reason. There was a reason, there were answers, it's just the other person refuses to hear what is being said. In the end, you have people who can't be bothered going round and round with people who refuse to listen.