The importance of grandparents - we could have told them this!

No one just shuts out people for no damn reason. There was a reason, there were answers, it's just the other person refuses to hear what is being said. In the end, you have people who can't be bothered going round and round with people who refuse to listen.

I did one day's care for DGS and his nana (much younger) did 2 to save money. It did mean a closer bond all round. When he started school, I volunteered to help with reading, and several of his class would call me grandma by mistake. I still see a few of them even though they are now in Y8, but as I still volunteer, it is lovely to meet their younger siblings.
The school playground in the afternoon seems to be about 50/50 of parents and grandparents so we must have our uses.

My maternal grandparents had 13 grandchildren and my paternal grandparents had 9. Neither set of grandparents displayed any interest in any of us. If we had met them in the street they probably wouldn't have known us. Both sets had thriving businesses which consumed their every moment.
Here's the rub...all of the grandchildren have succeeded in life; academically and with their careers, a few experienced relationship problems, but only a few.
It was our parents who instilled in us the drive to succeed. We were all born after WW2 and everything had to be worked and saved for. We knew the value of everything. That's the difference between then and now.
These think tanks make my blood boil.

I had a lovely relationship with my GPs. Despite their apparently many (previous generation 🙄) faults.

I’m lucky enough to have a great relationship with my 5 (now adult) GCs as well. 😊

Witzend

Not perhaps surprising if the mother’s mother is often thought to be ‘best’.
The biological link is stronger that for the paternal GM - though of course I’m aware that there are many paternal GMs who are wonderful with their Gdcs, and maybe take more trouble with them than the maternal ditto.

My elder Gdcs at maybe 7 and 8 were wide eyed, when I told them that the tiny egg cell that much later turned into them, had in fact been present in their mummy’s tummy before she was even born, so part of them grew inside me, too.

As children share the same proportion of DNA with their father’s mother as with their mother’s mother - 1/4, on average - I’m not sure there’s a stronger biological link with the mother’s mother?

According to 23andMe, the amount shared by a child and any grandparent can be between 17% and 34%. But 25% is the average, and it isn’t different for father‘s parents or mother‘s parents.
customercare.23andme.com/hc/en-us/articles/212170668-Average-Percent-DNA-Shared-Between-Relatives

On average, half of the DNA that a man passes on to his daughters was in his mother‘s body before he was conceived. And half of the DNA that a woman passes on to her daughters was in her mother‘s body before that woman was conceived. It’s the same amount, on average.

So interesting to read about experiences of your GPs, having lacked them myself.
My paternal GPs died when I was two and my maternal ones were divorced, DM and siblings brought up by a cruel stepmother, their mother having gone to America. DM said she was saved by her GM, with whom she lived for a year. We did see our GF and the stepmother about once a year. They were rich but mean and the stepmother got everything and left nothing to her stepchildren and families (DM even had to persuade her to let her brother have GFs watch.)
The miracle was that after a chaotic childhood, DM became a great mother and grandmother, beloved and admired by all.

I loved my grandparents, They remain a big influence in my life, they were kind, gp hard working, family the most important thing, they set boundaries gently, they talked with us about their lives. They made us feel clever, good, loving children

I try to follow their lead with my grandchildren,

What about those children who never get to spend time with a grandparents because of estrangement. It's an epidemic now so there will sadly be 1000s of children that will never know the wider loving adults that could be a positive influence in their lives. I'm not talking about abusive parents who AC have gone NC because of that but those who have been shut out with no real answers as to why.

We have exactly the same going on with our granddaughter at the moment. I have invested loads of time and effort with her but now she is 14 she doesn't want to know us. She doesn't answer any messages and doesn't come to see us. Even more upsetting is that my daughter thinks that's acceptable. I am so upset. 🥲

I was fortunate enough to know and love all my grandparents especially my maternal Gran. I wish they were all still here. I even knew one set of great-grandparents. I could not imagine life without grandparents. I am now a grandmother and try to be kind and generous just like they all were. I consider myself very lucky.

Not perhaps surprising if the mother’s mother is often thought to be ‘best’.
The biological link is stronger that for the paternal GM - though of course I’m aware that there are many paternal GMs who are wonderful with their Gdcs, and maybe take more trouble with them than the maternal ditto.

My elder Gdcs at maybe 7 and 8 were wide eyed, when I told them that the tiny egg cell that much later turned into them, had in fact been present in their mummy’s tummy before she was even born, so part of them grew inside me, too.

Recent research shows very small children notice how relaxed mum is around visitors. That person is a safe person and more often than not that is maternal mum.

We looked after our two younger grandchildren during term time so their parents could work without worrying.
I wouldn’t say it was hard work as they both established good routines during the day and then started at nursery at age 4, taking and collecting 5 days a week.
We kept on until the youngest started at secondary school and we’d be there for when they arrived home . We did less as they got older and we had more time to enjoy our retirement, but our grounding and encouragement to them both has helped make them the delightful adults they are today. Their parents are eternally grateful for all the love , care and support we gave them during their childhood years.

eddiecat78

I suspect that the reason for "the grandparent effect being strongest for the mother's mother" is because the father's mother often doesn't get a look in.

In my case, SiL’s parents spend at least 3x more time with DGDs than I do. They are lovely and get on better with DD than I do! C’est la vie

Missiseff

Tell that to the ones who keep their children away from grandparents

Yes indeed. Is a great shame that some grown children fall out with their parents or simply disapprove of them and so don’t allow them regular access to their grandchildren, not only robbing the grandparents of cherished time with their grandchildren but also robbing their children of a relationship with their grandparents. I think it can be very selfish.

Missiseff

Tell that to the ones who keep their children away from grandparents

I'd assume they have reasons.

my granny brought me up for the most part, i learned all my old type stuff from her, i was 24 when i fell pregnant to an older partner (married for 18 years till i lost him) when i told my mum her reply, you have to have what your sister has and ruin it for her, told i could not have kids so this was out of the blue, the first time she baby sat he was 5 and she never did again, she took plenty of interest with all the other kids but not mine, he grew not needing a gran, but now she is elderly he will do anything she needs as that is the type of person he is.

Tell that to the ones who keep their children away from grandparents

Dont waste your time, I spent 15 years on my grandaughter before she became old enough to look after herself, gave her plenty of love and attention and she didnt even invite us to her wedding, it killed husband her grandpa

I had just one paternal grandmother when I was a child . She came to live with us when I was about twelve and at high school by then. She was very sweet. My two younger siblings had more time with her as they were only 8 and 4 . My DC benefited greatly from having retired young and active loving grandparents ((my parents) and they still recall the times with them. Their paternal grandparents had no interest in them as they had already had 10 by the time our’s arrived . But I was relieved really as my FIL was a most unpleasant man and DH had no time for him . We visited about twice a year and it was always difficult.
I am the only grandparent for DD’s children and the only grandma for DS . I was pretty involved when they were younger, but not like my parents as I was still working and DH was retired but not a well man . We still had lots of good times but not huge amounts of caring for them . This week my twins are 16, my youngest GS is 10 and DiL is 48 ! How time flies…

SpinDriftCoastal

Wonder what the next generation of grandparents will be like? The ones that do all the gentle parenting and estrangement nowadays? Interesting!

How in the world is estrangement part to OP?

SpinDriftCoastal,

I’m sure they won’t do much better or worse than the generation who smacked their children, smoked in their presence, and had a “children should be seen and not heard” mentality. As humans are imperfect, I wouldn’t hold one generation up as a bastion of perfect parenting/grandparenting, nor the worst.

Time will tell SpinDriftCoastal.

The only grandparent I had was my mother’s stepmother, who didn’t like me and the feeling was mutual. My much older siblings had no contact with her either. My own children have very little recollection of their grandparents as we were always out of the country. Sad, but there was nothing we could do about it. By the time we bought our first proper home all GPs were gone. I have one grandchild and I wanted him to have the grandparents that I and my children missed out on. It has not always been easy, but has been and still is, an absolute joy.

Wonder what the next generation of grandparents will be like? The ones that do all the gentle parenting and estrangement nowadays? Interesting!