Am I being taken for granted, or is this just what being a grandparent is today?

This doesn't sound at all normal. You are that child's parents and you shouldn't be. If you want it to end, you need to just not be available sometimes, set times you aren't available to them, or have a conversation and work out a plan of what you are willing to do. You're completely reasonable in wanting to be the grandparents, not the parents.

I am assuming your daughter is a student, but she is behaving like one not as a mother and is neglecting her son. Does she live with you?
If you continue like this the demands will escalate.
Start by planning a weekend away; give her plenty of notice but stick to your plans no matter what objections she raises. Continue, and become unavailable in the evenings due to prior commitments.
Where is the father?

First off, what a lovely thoughtful question you ask. You clearly adore your DG. And yes I do think grandparenting has changed. However this situation has probably crept up on you. I think you should talk to her about how you are feeling but tread carefully as she is probably unaware of how you are feeling. And you don't want to create hostility whereby she makes totally different arrangements, as you're likely to feel worse about the situation. Start with a couple of tweaks/boundaries that you and your husband want to change. And let her know that you will build on them gradually. Be honest and say that you are both finding it too much and be clear on wanting to stick to some of the agreements you want to make. You actually don't need to say what you want to do with your time, that's your business and she will have to respect that. But you probably need to do it for her sake too as she does need to take more responsibility with her son. The lines can become blurred and she does need a reality check on committing to the upbringing of her son.

“We agreed to help with childcare for classes,”………. then you need to have the conversation with your daughter and remind her of the original agreement. You also need to ask her what her long term plans are because if you don’t set boundaries now you might find yourselves raising this child completely with no responsibility taken by his mother.

Does she live with you? How does she fund her social life?

Totally out of order, unfortunately for her if she chooses to have a child young they come first, your daughter is not a single student she’s a mother. Continuing helping with the classes and a few outings but be unavailable for her partying
Where’s the father in all this ?

I'd also bear in mind that because you have made yourselves so available, it might be making her feel a bit inadequate as a parent. She probably sees you doing all the right things with her son and may well think she'd never be as good as that. So in a way your role now is to encourage her to bond, engage with, and take responsibility for her son. It is important for her to do this.

You must set boundaries. You are still young but you and your DH have your own lives. I understand it is difficult for your DD especially if she us a single parent? Single or not she is a parent.
Your DD is still in ' child' mode and still thinking 'Mum will help me out' that only goes so far !! Tread with care but decide how much child care you can offer and stick to it. Be cautious with what you offer, you can always add to the arrangement but it may be difficult to withdraw your help.
Good luck , you are grandparents , you are not vo parenting!

you might find yourselves raising this child completely with no responsibility taken by his mother.

This happened to my nephew and his step daughter. He and his wife ended up practically raising her son for her. Fine while they’re young. Not so fine when they grow up and start to analyse their feelings towards all the adults in their lives.

Tackle this now while you still have some control over it.

Do you both work? Does your daughter and grandson live with you? Where is the child’s father?

You are obviously doing too much, so decide how much help you are willing to give and tell your daughter as soon as possible. You have your own lives to live and the sooner you remind your daughter of this, the better.

You must put your foot down with a firm hand!

You will not lose your relationship with your GS if you set some proper boundaries - she needs your help too much.

You'll be helping her just as much by withdrawing your services a lot and teaching her how to manage responsible child rearing.

Although still young yourselves, if you are beginning to feel burned out you need to do something now. I've been there, soldiered on saying nothing and got to the point where I was ill and could do nothing. Best to speak up now, when there is time for her to find alternatives. I expect childcare is landing on your laps more and more is because everyone else has said "enough" this is your child you need to make proper arrangements. I hope this helps

On face value you need to start putting boundaries in place

are you in the UK? - if so she can claim a grant from student finance which could cover some childcare

do you both work? - you need to look after your own health

does she have a partner?- where is the sons Dad in all of this = where are his parents?

She isn't going to keep him away from you, it seems she cannot cope without you.

You are being taken for granted HideTheJuice but only because you're allowing yourselves to be. You say you're being asked even though you've said you have plans or are feeling unwell; are you agreeing even then?

Tough love is needed here for your's, your H's, your D's and your GS's sake. Sit down together and re set your boundaries which include not altering your own plans to accommodate her and having done so, stick to them.

Good luck.

She is carrying on as if she hasn't become a parent and you're enabling her to do so. It's not her right to have a social life at your expense. Her child is her primary responsibility. Hands up anyone, who when they became a parent either with or without a partner, just carried on with the life they had prior to that. For most it's a massive wake up call. We all had to make adjustments, for some those would have been massive. Sorry! it goes with the territory she is no longer unencumbered.

Please have a chat with her. Just make a deal about what you will and won’t do.

Poppyred

Do you both work? Does your daughter and grandson live with you? Where is the child’s father?

You are obviously doing too much, so decide how much help you are willing to give and tell your daughter as soon as possible. You have your own lives to live and the sooner you remind your daughter of this, the better.

I’m making a big assumption but at 40 seems like they would still be working, I’m also make a huge assumption that daughter works and does classes at night.

My questions are the above plus how old is your grandson? Does he go to school during the day?

she says toddler in the original post

My DH was brought up by his DGP until his parents were settled, had finished their education and had somewhere to live.
I don't think they resented doing this.

His parents were teenagers when he was born so it must have been the best solution.
The DGP had 2 teenagers still at home so the uncles were around to entertain the young lad.

DH adored his DGP and in fact we came to live in their street when we came back to Scotland. Our DC would go to Nana's after school.

Meanwhile his DP built their careers, had 2 more DC and went to live in India while DH , now a teenager, stayed at his school boarding house and came home to Nana and grandpa at weekends.

It's not for everyone. I have never helped my DC with childcare as they will tell you!

You are young yourselves and as others have said, make boundaries for DD's own good.

You are allowing yourselves to be taken for granted which is not good for any of you. You need to:
1. Have a discussion about the basic care deal - as in while she attends classes ...and expected drop off and pick up tines etc
2. Clarify clearly what happens regarding ANY other care and be very clear about exectations as in eg a) no assumptions that you are available or will change plans b) only 1 night per week (an occasional exception might be made for a special occasion) c) Only 1 overnight per month/6 weeks (or what you would be happy with. )
You have to be very specific and you HAVE to stick to your gunswhen "asked for endless favours/exceptions" And when told that you are making her miss .....etc!! Shehas a child. Sacrifices have to be made

Good luck

You daughter sounds immature which is not surprising because she probably is very young which is I imagine a big part of the problem. You obviously want her to attend classes and make a future for herself and her child but you and your DH also have a future and need to think about that as well. You both need to have a serious chat with your DD about the amount of childcare you are doing, insist she foregoes certain social activities and going to the gym, she is a mother now and every new mum has to forego these things whilst the child is small. Also she can’t just foist plans on you without forewarning and cannot take it for granted that you will be free. As for not dropping off the child or picking the child up on time, make sure she understands that your time is as important as hers so she should stick to set times for this.
Overall you are both doing too much and she is simply letting this slide because it suits her to do this. Time to put a stop to this and to remind her that it is her child not yours, and that she needs to grow up and accept her responsibilities.
All the best.

How old is your daughter?

You are on point 100%.

First of all, you’re lucky to have the opportunity to see your GC so often, some of us aren’t so lucky.
However, your young DD is acting like a typical young person and it seems she’s neglecting her role as a mother. You’ve unfortunately made a rod for your own back by allowing this to happen for so long. She obviously forgets that you also have a life that doesn’t revolve around parenting her child and your DD needs to be reminded of this.
In my opinion you need to sit down with her calmly and tell her that’s she’s taking advantage of you both. Tell her you love both her and your GC but it’s time that she realised she needs to grow up a bit. Explain that she can’t expect you to change your plans when it suits her.
Best of luck 🤞