Live over 225 miles away from family

Gingster I don't know when you had your babies, but when I had my first, everyone got 10 days in hospital. By the time I got home, feeding was established and I more or less knew what I was doing. DH took no time off his job at all. All GPs dead apart from DM but she was working. Different times!

Your husband has had a hip replacement. The journey will be difficult anyway. I think your son and dil are selfish to expect you to pay for accomadation with no end date. Did they agree to pay half?
I can't imagine anyone being that entitled
Did you pester them to go down and help to see the baby, if so that puts a different light on it.
I don't know why posters have to bring in about '"we are pregnant"its pretentious drivel in my opinion, but it has nothing to do with what the poster wrote.

Responding to last comments-we’ve always stayed with DS & DIL, it’s never been an issue. When they originally said they wanted us to stay it was in their house & they’ve now changed their minds (disappointing but I’m sympathetic) so I’ll book us accommodation.
DIL family live 1 hour away but have “important jobs” whereas we’re retired so have more availability. Our initial understanding was we’d be needed to look after GS as DIL will be too pregnant & DS will be working. We never intended to overstay our welcome & planned to go home once new GC born & everyone was home again.
My husband is desperate to see our family as he’s not seen them since Xmas, so leaving him behind would be more upsetting.

BlueBelle

Well they’re asking way too much that doesn’t feel like family at all, because they re not thinking about you or your husbands needs. Ashanty they are taking the pxxx

I live in a different world altogether when I was asked to help, With both daughters, (five times) my son had escaped to NZ and she had her own mum nearby it wouldn’t have entered anyone’s head that I wouldn’t stay with them whether I was a nuisance or not They asked my help and I was very happy to help but you’re not a paid nanny you’re a close family member

I do have to squirm at the when they’re in labour THEY are not in labour your daughter in law is doing the hard work not your son, please don’t cow tow to the modern idea that they have equal roles in birth situations
WE are pregnant, no WE are not, the woman is pregnant the man had a fun evening.Drives me mad to hear that expression, there’s nothing equal about giving birth

Agree with you and Cocopops 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
We all do what we can to help out our families but sounds like you may be there for two weeks!
In order to be any real help you need to be in their house with the toddler. Sounds to me that your family want it all on their terms.
I would be inclined to to say no to this request for help unless you can stay with them.The only help they really need is for the time she goes into Labour, when you could be useful looking after the toddler in their home.You can’t book a hotel on an ad hoc basis.Where is the thought for you and your DH?

A lot of posters seem to be concerned about the hip op, but that's already done and in another 2 months should be fully recovered, so I don't think that's a problem.

I suspect after a few days in hotel and a lot of trips back and forth to help with GS, son and dil may rethink their position, but best to go with their preference for now! Good luck.

It's another two months and the surgery has already happened.
I think (if he's been doing the rehab physio) he will be very comfortable by then.
🤞

Sorry Farmor15 had put my hip op reply in and then someone asked me about something...
Cross posted as was distracted! Apologies.

Ashanty - I understand that when the baby is born your son and dil will want time to bond with the child. However, it's unreasonable to tell you that you can't stay with them and then be told you must pay for your own accommodation elsewhere. How about you make it clear that when dil does go into labour you will need to be on hand and not rushing from some b and b two miles away - more to the point, that you are not capable of rushing in that way. So maybe you say you'd love to come and give the support and assistance they need but for the week before the due date you want to stay in their spare room - let's face it you don't see your grandson much and he is going to need to get used to you all over again. Then as soon as dil has given birth you will de-camp to a bed and breakfast or hotel or wherever and that will get you out of the way of their bonding exercise, and maybe you won't mind paying for the bit of luxury and peace and quiet you have for the remaining time when they still need your help. The basic fact is that if you allow yourself to be told what you are going to do, that will become a precedent for the future. This is your test situation.

I think its very thoughtless behaviour and for me it would be a one off.

theworriedwell

I think if you can afford it then it's a great idea. Go back to hotel and have a good night's sleep. If your husband's recovering from surgery he might be glad of disappearing to have a bit of quiet time.

Indeed.

I didn't want anyone underfoot after babies were born. Perhaps stay at a lovely Airbnb, collect toddler daily. Your H will rest better as well.

Many posters seem to be overlooking the info that OP and husband had no intention of staying around after baby was born. They were asked to be on hand to mind GS before and during labour and birth. They intend to leave as soon as parents and new baby are home.

In the circumstances, I like your idea GoldenAge. A good compromise and I agree Farmor15 should not let her son and daughter-in-law call all the shots in future.

My mum and dad came down to visit just as I went into labour.They came to the maternity home to see me and my baby daughter.Then dad went home, 150 miles away and mum stayed for 3 weeks.My husband and I were heartily fed up with her by the time she went home, even though we loved her dearly,we wanted our own space.If the OP goes ,stay in a hotel.

They cannot travel - a pregnant woman, due to give birth and a toddler. Not sure why you would have expected that.

Have you discussed who will be minding toddler when DIL goes into labour, and how they will call you?

I would certainly be looking for somewhere nearby to stay if possible, but perhaps suggest that you will need to reduce costs by staying with them until her due date - they may not have considered that your funds are tight.

FranP

They cannot travel - a pregnant woman, due to give birth and a toddler. Not sure why you would have expected that.

Have you discussed who will be minding toddler when DIL goes into labour, and how they will call you?

I would certainly be looking for somewhere nearby to stay if possible, but perhaps suggest that you will need to reduce costs by staying with them until her due date - they may not have considered that your funds are tight.

If you’d read my comments you’ll realise I never expected my pregnant DIL & family to travel.
They’ve asked us to travel to them, about a week before due date to be at hand when she goes into labour to care for our GS. They don’t want us to stay with them so we’re looking to book somewhere (hopefully close & within our budget) but they’ve no intention to pay for this.
I’m hopeful that when labour starts we can babysit our GS in their house, but this hasn’t been decided as yet.
As soon as GC 2 is home, we’re expecting to return to our home as they want to be alone.

JenniRen

"Don’t you remember those early days? Yes you need the help but private family time to bond is so important."

No, that is a very modern concept, this 'bonding' as a family and excluding wider family.
With most families years ago, bonding with Daddy happened without the father having paternity leave. Grannies were the ones who were usually around for practical help in the very early days

Thank goodness times have changed and it’s recognised how important it is for new dads to spent a lot of time with baby in the early days.

GoldenAge

Ashanty - I understand that when the baby is born your son and dil will want time to bond with the child. However, it's unreasonable to tell you that you can't stay with them and then be told you must pay for your own accommodation elsewhere. How about you make it clear that when dil does go into labour you will need to be on hand and not rushing from some b and b two miles away - more to the point, that you are not capable of rushing in that way. So maybe you say you'd love to come and give the support and assistance they need but for the week before the due date you want to stay in their spare room - let's face it you don't see your grandson much and he is going to need to get used to you all over again. Then as soon as dil has given birth you will de-camp to a bed and breakfast or hotel or wherever and that will get you out of the way of their bonding exercise, and maybe you won't mind paying for the bit of luxury and peace and quiet you have for the remaining time when they still need your help. The basic fact is that if you allow yourself to be told what you are going to do, that will become a precedent for the future. This is your test situation.

The basic fact is that if you allow yourself to be told what you are going to do, that will become a precedent for the future.

Ridiculous!

Of course son and dil can tell you what they find acceptable, you also may say what you will and will not do. Adults make their own choices.

"Help" is likely unnecessary post birth.

There are merits to being "on hand" when dil goes into labour, though a near by Airbnb may be much more pleasant.

They sound like users.
Don't let them walk all over you.
There is no virtue in being doormats.
They haven't considered your needs or issues at all.
You need to protect your own interests.
They won't.

I can understand that you are willing to help and want to see your family, that's only natural. However, your husband's health and the distance have to be taken into account.

Why can't your DIL's parents help out if they live nearer? Even people with "important jobs" get annual leave. Sound like you're being taken for granted as you're retired and in their view, you have nothing else to do but be ready at the drop of a hat.

Sorry (not,), but there's no way I would agree to this.

It sounds as if they are openly saying that they definitely dont want you there, except to look after grandson during the birth of the new baby.

If you lived nearby, that would perhaps be be acceptable and doable, but you dont. You are expected to drive all that way, arrange and pay for your own accommodation for an unknown length of time, and could turn out to be several weeks, just so that you are available to look after their son for a few hours, then clear off back home again the minute that job is done?

This is a family who haven't visited you since the first child was born!

There is no way I would do it. I would be telling them to arrange for a private childminder to be available when the time comes! If they had so little consideration for me and their dad / stepdad, I would be prepared to live with the possible consequences.

My children were both born 2 weeks late Or they could have been two weeks early, there is no way of knowing. Surely the maternal parents could get over much easier given their proximity, despite their very important jobs. Wouldn’t they want to.?
When our gc were born we weren’t asked to stay ober to help and neither were my dd in law’s asked.
However if you want to go then that’s understandable.
I have to agree though that your son snd wife could be more hospitable given they have space especially because of the vagueness of their request which is creating problems and expense for you.
As for hips my understanding is that it takes between 18 months snd 2 years to fully recover from surgery .
Hope it all works out for you snd congratulations.

Agree with Oldnproud