Daughter says no visitors for three months

FriedGreenTomatoes2

Sorry but my instincts are that this is a form of controlling behaviour. It’s sad and wrong on so many levels. I know I’m speaking out and contrary to what many of you think.

I believe that folding like a ten dollar bill is enabling behaviour.

Do what you think, go along with it all if you must.

But ask yourselves in your hearts “is this normal?”.

I don’t think it is. And eventually, where might it end?
Jump?
Yes of course. How high would you like me to do so?

You’ll walk over eggshells so many times in future you won’t know where to place your own feet.

These new parents are testing their bluddy boundaries with their new fangled media driven rules.

I’d get on with my own life, quite sweetly. They will either come to you or they won’t. Yes of course it’s a chance you take. Life itself is full of risk.

I know I’m a bit of a lone voice here. But so be it. The alternative (for me) wouldn’t bear thinking about.

They are adults.
They are over 21.
But so are you.

Don’t give away your innate self esteem so easily.

This is all very dramatic.

People are allowed to control their own lives. Freedom of choice doesn’t necessarily mean freedom so long as others accept your choices.

There is no crusade or moral victory to be had here. The OP has nothing to do but accept her daughter’s request. The opposite of “folding” would be what? Turning up unwanted at someone else’s doorstep, proving she has no respect for her daughter’s autonomy? No need to manufacture battles. No need to create a drama. Life is complicated enough without using an offspring’s milestones to center one’s self as the main character. Grans don’t need to throw their toys out of the pram. We can leave that to the babes.

"Grans don’t need to throw their toys out of the pram. We can leave that to the babes."

Masterful!

People are allowed to control their own lives

Indeed they are.
We ALL are.

As I’d said, no battle lines, no threats, just be getting on with my own life quite sweetly.

Until a call comes along.
“You can come now”.

Oh really darling? How lovely. I will pop over just as soon as ever I can. Gosh I can hardly believe it’s 3 months already! It’s just flown by really hasn’t it? And of course I now have my new Yogaknit classes and your cousin has just invited us over to celebrate (whatever). Yada, yada.

Ach give over. This works both ways.
They made the rules.

I’d fit in as best as.

They know me. I’m not the mother in law to be kept at the gate. They KNEW my character already. They will have KNOWN I’d be there to help, make a fuss first of my daughter, then cuddle the baby, be helpful and get out of their hair. Or not - whichever suited them, they KNEW MEand knew I’d be happy to go along with whatever they wanted.

But to bar me? Just because they couldn’t put up boundaries with the other grandmother?
Spineless of the son in law.

Nope.
Not my problem.

They’d plenty of time to sort other grandma out before the birth. Ye gods.

I think the OP has to go along with the new parents’ decision - anything else could lead to unfortunate consequences. The OP should just continue to live her life, though. The world doesn’t stop simply because someone else has a baby!

I’d not heard of the term ‘cocooning’ before so looked into it. It seems to have begun in the USA in the early 2000’s, as a response to low vaccine rates in adults. The idea was that very young unvaccinated babies should be protected from exposure to Flu, RSV and Pertussis (whooping cough) via visitors who had not been vaccinated themselves. There was no blanket ban on visitors, just non-vaccinated ones. As far as I can tell from reports, it indeed helped prevent babies from becoming seriously ill with flu or pertussis.

Later on, advice for those adopting children included that the new family isolated themselves for a period with their new baby/child so they could all adapt to their new circumstances and get to know one another. This advice then became more widely extrapolated as applying to all newborns, which is where society has arrived today.

The pros of cocooning seem to be having time to bond with the baby, establish breastfeeding and limit exposure to bugs and germs.
Cons are social isolation, lack of help in the home and burn-out from the intensity of babycare.

karmalady

Leave her to it, she is being ridiculous but as above, her child and her decision. Keep the distance and wait to be asked, each and every time, in the meantime just go about your normal life

She should relax when she realises that you are not intrusive and will not call on her without invitation.

Start from a detached point of view eg no knitting of small things, no buying baby clothes, just give them a money present to buy something for baby. Slowly she will see that she is being left alone and that will hopefully trigger her into calling on you to help

She wants detached, give her detached

My sentiments exactly. Leave her to it. See how she gets on.

3 months! I think many new mums would struggle without some help for 3 months. I remember once DH had returned to work (1 week after the birth of our baby) wondering when I would ever find the time to have a shower, wash my hair and go shopping for food! I did, obviously, but oh, how much less stressful my life would have been if someone came round to help. Your DD has no idea yet just how all consuming a new baby is, I think she will find that 3 months (or even 3 weeks) is so very hard on your own with a new baby. I'd be very surprised if she kept to it. Not all grandparents want to visit just to see the baby - I was quite happy to help with housework and take a meal round (and was invited by both my DILs to visit the day they came home from hospital, and offered a cuddle with our new grandchild too). Here's hoping you get invited round well before 3 months.

knspol

I think it's a very good idea for first time parents to exclude visitors for a while but maybe up to a month max. A new mum and dad do need to bond with baby but just as importantly they need to learn how to feed, wind, change nappies, get baby to sleep and develop a routine that suits them without sometimes pushy GP's descending on them giving conflicting advice and disturbing baby when just got to sleep etc. They may then develop the confidence needed to dismiss unwanted advice and know what suits their own baby best.
After a month or so then I think GP's and others would be welcomed so long as not all at once and this would help baby to get used to different faces, voices and smells.

My first reaction to your post is that it's bonkers because it's not that hard to do all that with a few visitors dropping in for short periods.

Then I thought of an article I'd read that suggested, due to less babies in families, often the first baby a person holds is their own and people have much less experience with babies.

I wonder if this leads to less confidence in first time parents and a sense that they need to isolate themselves to work it all out? I was very confident with my first but had also had lots of experience with babies and young children. I never worried about mothercraft and my ability to do it, so couldn't wait to show off my new babies.

4allweknow

When I had children I was 100sof miles away. Family came to visit in the next year. Leave her to it, all this needing of grandparents is unbelievable. Yes, would be nice to visit for say an hour or two just to see the baby but I see nothing wrong with waiting 3 months. There may be pictures posted if they are in to that and if there is some sort of calamity you may be a choice to help out with you having respected their wishes.

Guess it depends on your family's dynamics....I have 4 GC .....was there when my DDs 2 children were born...saw my DSs 2 the same day they were born....see all my GC at least 5 days out of 7 each week....most of my friends have similar situations with their GC .....I work in child health and see GPs with their newborn GC .....if cocooned happens in my area I would say its very rare ....I'm UK NW

Tell you agree, and mention " no babysitting for life "

monami

Tell you agree, and mention " no babysitting for life "

What a ridiculous response.

Just go with the flow.

This could be the perfect textbook baby or the new Mum could be weeping with tiredness and anxiety and decide she does need her mother's help after all. However, don't put your own life on hold because that could be a temporary phase.

Very hurtful Iv had similar. My advise Bide time as she may well change when actually in it! We all can have realistic expectations especially when younger
Nothing to gain by reacting as hard as it is! Hugs

I just don’t see this as an issue to let the ego drive the response. Plenty of things regarding family can get a person all worked up. This isn’t a big enough deal to put anger behind. Let go and just go with the flow. The road of less stress and fewer big emotions is a happier one than the one with resentment and awaiting opportunities for payback on your children.

I know a lot of young parents ask for 2 weeks after the birth so they can spend that time before partner returns to work settling into a routine with the new baby and I totally support that.
With each of my children I was overwhelmed with visitors day and evening and I should have said no no no !
However 3 months is a bit ridiculous in my opinion. I would bet that she will be on the phone to you before that asking for help .
Perhaps this is a boundary she has put in place for the inlaws . Who knows .
Personally I think it's a little bit risky , she needs to be careful she doesn't ostracise the very people she will undoubtedly need to ask for help later on . They may just set equally ridiculous boundaries of their own .

Why are some posters taking the 3 months as if they are written in stone?

This is a mother who could be asking for space on her end, for medical purposes.

It is not personal and dna is not an exception to the rules.

It is almost a test who is truly your friend or your foe.
Who you have to watch out for or who to allow in your village.

Instead, judging by some reactions, no wonder why some space is needed.

It is sad a newly pregnant woman has to protect herself since the very beginning of her pregnancy, together with the inevitable morning sickness, exhaustion, etc.

She is supposed to enjoy her pregnancy if she wants, not worry about who is going to get to her baby and think she is unable to care for the child without unasked advice and visits.

Do babies expel pheromones or something?

3 months?

That's a lot!
If it's her first I'd honestly just think she's being cautious regarding healing, sleeping and establishing breastfeeding.

Please don't cut your nose spite your face. Let her crack on but please be there if she needs support.

StTrinians

Yes. My daughter told us when she was pregnant, but we were not allowed to tell anyone. This continued past the 12 weeks, indefinitely. When we said we would like to visit when the baby was born that too was forbidden. We felt very sad. It has completely ruined what should have been such a happy experience as first time parents and grandparents. Our daughter no longer contacts us, and we both feel that this treatment is due to social media. I am grieving, but there is no closure, and sadly, this kind of estrangement seems all too common now. We have had to accept that she has MHI, and move on with our lives. I am devastated at the loss of my daughter and my grand daughter. People without grandchildren don't really understand. I was sorry to hear that GlamGolfGran is going through what we suffered. I hope your outcome is better than ours has been. 2 years of pain so far, and little hope on the horizon. This is our experience of our first grandchild. They live abroad, so that complicates everything. Unfortunately, we have to let go, as there is just entrenchment and controlling behaviour pushback sadly. Good luck. You are not alone. Sending hugs.

I'm so very sorry that you are going through this, StTrinians. I know it's got to be heartbreaking. I also think my daughter has gotten this idea from social media. None of her friends have done anything like this. While I will respect her boundaries and not give any commentary on her choices, it has already negatively impacted my experience of being a grandparent. I've decided not to tell my friends that I'm going to be a grandparent for several reasons. I don't want to have to endure all of the questions and pitying comments that will come when they find out I can't see the baby for three months. I'm also wondering what the future will bring if she is already establishing such stringent boundaries. I'm going to be polite, but guarded, because A) I don't want to make things worse, B) I don't want to bond to a grandchild if I'm going to be boundaried out of having any kind of meaningful relationship with them. I'm just going to observe from a place of detachment for now and see what happens.

I hope your relationship with your daughter improves and you get to be a part of your grandchild's life again. Sending hugs to you as well.

Children only need a set of parents

What is meant by ‘a set’?

Why are there so many single mums then?

Perhaps if you’re on your own, you might be a bit keener for GP’s to be around in the first three months.

We have four adult children with children and each has been a different experience. Especially with the first baby - while three months seems long your job is to support their choices as parents. In my experience the grandparents most willing to go along with the rules and support even choices they don’t agree with with a smile end up with the closest relationships. Newborns only need tbeir mums and a very distant second place their father. If they wish to be left alone to have at it let them

The idea of the "forth trimester" seems to have started in America. They suggest these are the reaction grandparents may bring with the if they are involved directly after birth.

Over-involvement and Unsolicited Advice: Many grandparents experience a resurgence of their own parenting memories, leading to strong urges to direct feeding, sleeping, and soothing.

Boundary Panic and Resistance: Older adults may push back on modern safety guidelines or vaccination requirements (like whooping cough and flu boosters) because they view rules as a challenge to their experience.Anxiety and Emotional Overload: The transition can reactivate old postpartum anxieties or unresolved birth trauma from their own past, sometimes increasing stress for the new parents.

Supportive Partnership: When managed well with clear communication, supportive grandparents (especially maternal grandmothers) act as a vital protective factor for maternal postpartum mental health.

Wow. I think I’ll have to stop reading this thread (and I advise the OP to do likewise at this point).

Humans are animals. We have evolved to live in families and social groups. Babies don’t need a lot of people but children need a lot more than a set of parents. This whole thing is just bonkers.

Social media plays a role in influencing young (and older) people but is not the main reason some new mothers want to keep their parents at bay.
Each case is different, of course, but what is obvious from some posters' posts is an enormous sense of entitlement simply because they are the young woman's mother.
What also stands out is this idea that the new mother will change her mind once the baby arrives, again, that may occur, but it may not.
Many new parents struggle; many don't. I found my friends and my NCT group to be invaluable during this time and am relieved that both sets of parents lived too far away when our first was born. We bonded beautifully as a new family and that bond is strong to this day.
My eldest is 35. She has 2 sons. She lives nearby. We are involved as much as suits us as we are both still working and have active social lives.

My heart goes out to you StTrinians. We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for almost 14 years, there are no words to adequately describe how devastating this is. Letting go is hard but it's the only way for some peace to come back into your life x.

FWIW GlamGolfGran I think you're doing the right thing. You of course don't want to risk making the situation worse by saying anything to your D about her decision, and being concerned about bonding with a GC you may not be able to have a meaningful relationship with although very sad, is understandable and sensible IMO.

The last time we saw our eldest GS he was 8.5 months old and we'd not had a lot of contact with him. We never knew his brother and I've always said that I'm thankful that it was this way because we grieved for what we thought we would have but never did, rather than what we lost.

Having read so many posts over the years from GP's who have had the GC they've known and loved and in some cases helped out with childcare for years, suddenly taken away is heartbreaking not just for them, but in all likelihood the children too.

I can understand your reluctance in sharing what should be nothing but joyful news with your friends and I think this underpins the feeling that some have expressed here, of the rather OTT restrictions your D intends to put in place.

She may change her mind as her pregnancy progresses, I hope so and I hope that your understandable concern about what the future may bring will be unfounded .

When I read posts like Contagion's they go some way to explain why situations like this occur. What a thoroughly unpleasant response which as is usually to case, says more about the one who made it than the one it's aimed at.

I think, daisyannreturns it came from the UK.
I heard Sheila Kitzinger talk about it in the 1970s/1980s and it wasn't entirely new then as I know there was already research about it.

I am wondering if covid is driving some of this. The fear of infection has taken hold in the public consciousness.

All 3 of my DDs wanted different things from us around the time of the births of their children. One wanted me there at her 3 births; the other two didn't - fine. None requested "bonding time" and were glad of our help and happy to show off their new little ones. But all this was pre-covid of course.

I think it is important that the OP should not take all this personally. It is likely explained by the MIL problems and also by the general current trend, neither of which are down to the OP.

One of the problems with scientific studies/observations (like Bowlby's on the subject of attachment) is that they tend to be over-interpreted and applied, and common sense goes out of the window. His concept of bonding was about a baby/young child forming a bond with a particular caregiver - he observed that babies gradually showed a preference for a particular caregiver whom they came to rely on - as far as I am aware he did not say that there should be no other caregivers in the mix.

Recent studies have shown the value of the involvement of grandparents in producing young adults with lower rates of depression, greater self-confidence and stronger self esteem.

But if needs be this can come into play gradually over childhood and I am sure you will find your role as time goes by.

Joist go with the flow. Send card, gifts, supportive messages and tons of love and wait and see what actually happens come the day. The long term aim is not to sour relationships and to set a foundation of respect for the new parents and their right to make their own decisions.

It is frustrating and a total pain for you, but bide your time, smile, send love and wait and see. No hint of annoyance needs to enter the discourse ... that is the prime aim.