gentle parenting

Tigerlilyx61

My daughter and her husband have 2 children who are 6 and 9. The live 2500 miles away so I rarely see them in person. I do try and stay connected via facetime. I recently went to visit her and am having a difficult time processing my feelings after the visit. They are using gentle parenting which is fine but the problem is there are very few consequeces for negative behaviour and my daughter has a difficult time setting boundaries. She has verbalized this. I was only there for 5 days but the behaviour started almost immediately. They started hissing at me (like they were cats) if I asked them anything, threw suff at both my husband and myself, spoke to me like they were the parent i.e. GRANDMAAAA if I did or said something they didn't like, pushed themselves in between me and their mom as we were sitting in chairs talking. One morning she was helping her 6 uear old son put his rain boots on to go to preschool. He was sitting on the floor and he picked one of the boots up and threw it behind him and then looked at this mom as if to say "watcha gonna do about it?". The 9 year old daughter was sitting at the island in the kitchen reading while her mom was cooking dinner. I was sitting beside her and she was having a hard time sounding an occasional word out so I casually leaned over to see what the word was so I could help her and she snatched the book up so I couldn't see it. I am all for gentle parenting-heck I think I did it. I didn't spank and I tried to make consequences approppriaye for the offense but I NEVER would allow my kids to treat adults like this let alone their grandparents. Is anyone else having this problem? From what I hear it is a pretty common phenomenon.

You did well saying nothing. Their children, their rules.

I did not use physical punishment with my offspring but certainly explained fully, usually before it happened, as to why it was unacceptable. i.e Would you like it if I treated you like that? She was eating in posh restaurants with silver service at 8 knowing exactly what cutlery to use and went to funerals at six knowing how to behave. She knew how to rise to the occasion and was proud of herself for doing so. She is a wonderful adult and handles some very difficult situations in her job with diplomacy and professionalism.

We really struggle with our GDs’ behaviour too, they’re 5 & 8. They’re apparently great at school, no problems there, but at home they’re often rude & hurtful , particularly to our daughter who attends to their every need or whim. She has quite a demanding job, & we suspect she doesn’t have a lot of spare energy, so she tries to avoid conflict at all costs. She’s also keen on “gentle parenting”. We did raise the subject of their behaviour once, a couple of years ago, when it had become the “elephant in the room”! I think we had a reasonable discussion at the time, but we don’t feel we can raise it again.
If anyone has any advice as to how we can cope with this, especially when we’re looking after them, it would be much appreciated. We really struggle with the younger one in particular, who has regular tantrums if things aren’t going her way, & is really manipulative- hard to believe of a 5 year old. At times they act like entitled little princesses, they’re so demanding!
We’re desperately sad for our DD & SIL, whose family life seems like a constant battle. We dread to think what it will be like as the girls get into their teens.

LOUISA1523

That is lazy parenting...or non parenting .....gentle parenting has boundaries and consequences

Totally agree. Gentle parenting is actually no parenting and it is the reason why schools are in the mess there are with teachers leaving in droves.

Fallingstar

As far as I understand it gentle parenting means sitting down with a child after behaving badly and talking them through what was so wrong about what they did and the possible consequences i.e. ‘hitting Lucy must have made her sad, which is not a nice way to feel is it?’
I don’t think it means ignoring bad behaviour.

Not sure this is 100% true.
I think some areas of "Gentle Parenting" basically say you shouldn't put other people's feelings onto the child as they are not responsible for what goes on in someone else's head.

So saying that the child is responsible for the feelings of others is out.

People are responsible for their own feelings.

...I suppose you could say, I acknowledge that you felt frustrated about x y z which is why you hit Lucy but maybe I can help you deal with x y z?

I am not an expert on this by the way. Others will know more.

LOUISA1523

That is lazy parenting...or non parenting .....gentle parenting has boundaries and consequences

I would have to disagree with you there.
Gentle parenting as exercised by my DIL has no rules, boundaries, expectations or punishments.
She tells me it is the modern way with the aim of having a friendly and non-confrontational relationship with your child.
Memo to those who believe this. IT. DOES. NOT. WORK.

If parents and children are on a sinking ship and need to get on a small lifeboat, would the parents sit down and discuss the situation with the children or would they firmly make the children get in the lifeboat while quietly but firmly coaxing them along?

Sarnia, your DIL’s approach is most definitely not Gentle Parenting! Mine’s a teen now, we had boundaries and consequences but we didn’t have punishments (mostly because there was no need for them tbh) But there were most definitely boundaries! Never had an issue with her behaviour and only heard good reports from teachers and clubs etc.

Our own children were strictly parented and no problems, they didn't like it but when they had their own children they were the same or harder on the children.

My sisters daughters both left home at 16 they had been brought home repeatedly by the police before that. One niece shacked up with a boyfriend's family, the other joined the army where there was strict discipline, just retired after 25 yrs service.

Slightly, tongue in cheek, I would say that the 'success' of gentle parenting depends on the character of the child.

I had one who was broadly brought up on gentle principles simply because they were in the best meaning of the word, a biddable child naturally thoughtful about others.

The other one was of the opinion that they could bring themselves up quite successfully on their own without parents interfering and if we did, we got punished. Gentleness was read as weakness.

However, at the end of the day, once they were grown up, it made little or no difference to the kind of adults they have become, both are loving and caring and are all very close to each other - and are seen as so by others.

All theses fads and fancies satisfy the parents and they feel good, the children barely notice.

At the end of the day all children need is lots of love and an upbringing that prepares them for adult life, with all its problems and inequities. Providing a parent does that, how you get there is of no account.

PaperMonster2

Sarnia, your DIL’s approach is most definitely not Gentle Parenting! Mine’s a teen now, we had boundaries and consequences but we didn’t have punishments (mostly because there was no need for them tbh) But there were most definitely boundaries! Never had an issue with her behaviour and only heard good reports from teachers and clubs etc.

That to me is still not gentle parenting but good parenting. Your child knew where the boundaries were and the consequences should they over step them.
I will always believe that children may moan about rules, what time to be home, where are they going, etc but deep down they know it comes from a place of care.
I can only go by what my DIL says but her version, which she calls gentle parenting, is no rules or restrictions of any sort and when problems arise, which they have, with bells on, no punishment is handed out.
Consequently we have a 14 year old diva clinging on to an excellent school by her fingertips. Surly and downright rude and comes and goes as and when she pleases.
So whatever you call my DIL's approach is it has been an utter disaster.

Tigerlilyx61 Is anyone else having this problem?
Not currently.

From what I hear it is a pretty common phenomenon.
Seems so.

Every day is a new day with children. Wait quietly.