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Grandparenting

Am I being over sensitive

(16 Posts)
Nannyto Sun 26-Jun-22 16:55:46

My adult son and I used to be very close particularly because I brought him up on my own until he was 14. We always used to talk about everything. He got married to my lovely dil and I couldn’t have been happier. When they told me that dil was pregnant I was so excited and was looking forward to dgs being born.

Fast forward a year and I totally adore dgs he’s a little treasure. I look after him on a Monday and he goes to nursery and his other nanny has him on a Wednesday. I recently helped my
son and dil to move house taking days off work and spending 2 days loading
vans, painting etc. That was 2 months ago. Since that time my son has become very distant from me, he’s always too busy to call and see me and if I arrange to go round to see him he’s busy doing something and I just feel in the way. I’ve asked so many times if I can help or if he and dil need a break I will take dgs anytime for them. Apart from my Monday with dgs though they never ask me. Dils parents have dgs all of the time for days and spend days with dil and dgs. I know I’m sensitive but I feel so so sad that our relationship is now more passing the time of day and no longer a proper mum/son chatty relationship we once had. I know he’s now married and I'm no longer his number one but I did think he would pop round and see me occasionally or ask me round for a coffee when he was off work. I don’t think I'm a demanding moaning mum - I let them get on with their own lives, don’t interfere in their lives and praise both dil and son constantly for the lovely house they’re making together. I’m just sad I suppose that our relationship is now so distant my
Son feels like a stranger to me. He also doesn’t take time to see my elderly parents and never goes to see them. I take dgs to see them on a Monday when I have him otherwise they would never see him and they are both late 80s and love to see dggs and also their gs - they know he’s busy and never complain but I am at a loss to know how to handle this situation - do I just back off and wait for him to ask to see me? Please be gentle with me I’m very emotional today - thank you for reading my post it means so much

rosie1959 Sun 26-Jun-22 17:06:51

Must be very unsettling for you but if it was my son I would just ask him why ?

Aveline Sun 26-Jun-22 17:10:49

I suppose that the bottom line is that your son is at a very busy time in his life. I'm sure he doesn't mean to seem remote but there it is. I wouldn't expect my DS to want to meet me for coffee or similar. They've just had several major upheavals in their lives with the house move and birth of baby. That's his centre of attention now which is as it should be really. It's hard realising that we gradually get spun out of the centre of things as we and our children grow older. Don't take it personally. It's not personal it's just the stage in life your son and you yourself are in.

H1954 Sun 26-Jun-22 17:14:18

Why don't you invite DS DIL and DGS to yours for tea on a weekend, assuming they don't work weekends of course. Having contact with them doesn't mean that it has to be at their home surely and maybe having time away from their house would be a pleasant event.

If the situation doesn't improve, and you have given no indication as to how long this has been going on for, why not ask DS and DIL directly if you've done something to offend or upset them? Explain how this situation is making you feel, they might not be aware that anything is wrong.

VioletSky Sun 26-Jun-22 17:15:24

I dont think you should take it personally either

And definitely dont compare yourself to the other grandparents!

Your son is focussed on other things for now, thats all

Hithere Sun 26-Jun-22 17:17:52

I think you are overreacting

You still see your gc once a week - that's an amazing thing

Relationships with sons and daughters are not static, they change overtime - your son and you seem to have different expectations

As for your son not visiting your parents- I would stop mentioning that.
As an adult, he makes his own decisions.

Kate1949 Sun 26-Jun-22 17:18:45

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately this often happens when they get their own children.
My first ever post on here was about this. Me and my daughter used to do everything together and when our granddaughter came along, it was the three of us. Suddenly it stopped. I was shocked and upset. I do t know what happened relay. I did ask her but she said she had no idea what I was talking about. I hope you can get this sorted out.

BlueBelle Sun 26-Jun-22 17:49:15

nannytoo I think it’s very normal that you are feeling sad and maybe it’s normal for your son to be very busy and less available now they have their own home I feel for you as you aren’t really asking a lot Have they become worried about funds now they have a home? Or is your son working extra hours maybe I think it often seems to happen that sons veer to their in laws ( perhaps to keep their wives happy)
I just carry on looking after the delightful little chap taking him to your parents when you can and accept that things have changed there’s really nothing else you can do
My son moved to be with his wife ….and her family is round the corner in NZ I m 11000 miles away 😀
Keep smiling I m sure it’s normal

Shelflife Sun 26-Jun-22 18:07:23

Please don't fret about this, it seems pretty normal to me. Don't think my son would ever ask me over for coffee and he doesn't have children to consider. Clearly you are feeling very upset about this and I hope to you are feeling a bit better after reading the posts on GN. You have to our darling grandchild one day each week , enjoy that. I understand how your DIL will lean towards her parents , very hard for you - I understand that. You might consider speaking to your son , but if you do take great care not to appear too needy! It might be the best plan to leave well alone and enjoy your GC when he is with you. Good luck and try not to think too much about this.

nexus63 Sun 26-Jun-22 18:24:01

my son is the same sometimes, but it is not because he does not love or care for me, he has a busy life with work and a 3 year old, my dil messages me a few times a week on facebook to make sure i am okay, they try to see me every couple of weeks and i have just come back from a holiday with them, we had a few chats and i told him that i understand that he has a family and a life that can't always include me and i am fine with that, i know that he and my dil are always at the end of the phone if i need anything. text your son and ask if he has time for a coffee and a chat but please don't come across as too needy, do you have friends or hobbies that you enjoy, i was sad and glad when my son became an adult, this meant there was time for me. good luck and try not to worry.

Nannashirlz Tue 05-Jul-22 14:41:03

Maybe your over thinking it like you said it’s only two months since they moved in so will still be decorating unpacking etc plus I’m guessing working too. You must see them when you picking up baby unless baby crawling on it’s own lol. My sons were both like your son unfortunately as time goes on I get messages and calls off older one but my youngest I’m always saying to him don’t forget you got a mum lol and I always get same off him sorry mum not forget you but just being busy. I understand how you feel. I’ve always had super close bond with them both but since got wife’s and kids as mum you drop down the queue.

Knittynatter Tue 05-Jul-22 14:53:57

I have two sons and they are both a bit hit and miss about regular contact, but when they pop by or ring they talk and talk and talk! Your son knows you are there, you don’t mean any less to him and he will come back to you when things aren’t quite so busy. Just go with the flow for now.

smoothie Sat 09-Jul-22 01:25:58

Oh Nannyto, I’m so sorry for your heartache. Read this as if it’s from a good friend of yours, as that is how I have written it.

It’s easy for me to suggest but for you to put it into practice will be hard and sad flowers but I suppose all that can be done is wait it out for a while, act like everything is fine though - don’t let him see that you are cut up about this. The only reason I say that is because sometimes people will run further away from us when we show them our pain. Now if he saw a Nannyto that was in good spirits despite what secretly is painful for you, he just might think something like “oh wow I wonder what she has been up to? She seems busy lately” and he’ll want to catch up with you. Now if you have a hard time putting up a charade that the waters all fine then sure, I’d ask him what’s up, probably best to do that at a time when it’s just you and him though, without the baby. Something along the lines of “son, just a moment. Let me ask you something, but you have to meet me at my level, human to human, mother to her grown son…are you alright? You’re a new father and juggling many roles, but our relationship is so so far from what it was I can’t help but wonder what has happened? Please talk to me about this.”

And then it’s important to accept whatever answer he provides as the truth of the matter. If he says he has no idea what you mean, then he hasn’t noticed that things are different, and he doesn’t have any hard feelings towards you, he is just being thick and hasn’t had the capacity to notice. If he says that things are tough lately, then he is just very busy and this is temporary so wait it out. If there is actually a problem then thank him for telling you and do what you can to work on the issue.

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

Smileless2012 Sat 09-Jul-22 09:27:09

What a lovely post smoothiesmile.

Nannyto Thu 14-Jul-22 12:01:56

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me xx I am now just going to go with the flow and just accepting the situation as it is. I’ve recently managed to have a chat with my son and managed to not sound “needy” - I hope 😆 he is very busy and working hard to keep his little family happy 😃 which is great - I just wish I had been more prepared for being paternal nan and then I think I would have been a lot happier over the last few months - I will be more prepared if there is a next time 😂😂 thanks again for reading xx

BlueBalou Thu 14-Jul-22 12:14:20

I think going with the flow is all you can or should do Nannyto, it’s really hard when things seem to change without apparent reason. My conversations with DS are infrequent I guess but I don’t read anything into that because I know he is always very busy, the DGCs are here there and everywhere and DDIL and he have little spare time.
I do know however that if I needed him or he needed me then each would be responsive and available. Surely that’s what matters?
My dd I speak to probably less but the same applies.
They have they own lives and I am content that this is how it is. In my case ddil’s parents are in another country so it’s a different situation.
🤗 for you.