Regular grandchild-minding

I've been in a similar situation to yours, I initially said yes then got myself all worked up over it. I love my GC and enjoy having them but the commitment for me was far to much. My advise is you must talk to her because my DD sensed with me something was wrong and had we not discussed it we would have had cross words. Tell her exactly what you've told us on gransnet. Couldn't she drop him to you on a Sunday evening then you have him overnight, or what about seeing if there is a nursery near you that would have spaces. Don't feel guilty you have had your children you are entitled to enjoy your retirement. I have a dog as well and I know they can't be left for hours on end. Please talk to her and sit down and see what options are on offer.

Two separate days isn't ideal with all that travelling. Two consecutive with an overnight stay sounds more do-able! Or could they drop your grandchild over to your house? We have our grandchild for 3 days with him staying overnight for 1. Tiring but such a privilege to be able to contribute to his upbringing.

Don't do it. It's exhausting, you'll make yourself ill. I did. My grandchildren all had to have expensive child minders and nurseries, i am back-up Nanna if necessary and have covered sickness of childminders, children with chickenpox who can't go to nursery etc etc but never again on a regular basis.

My goodness - I have just sat reading through these posts and I am at a loss as to why there are so many Gransnet contributors who think it's their duty and ongoing responsibility to meet their family's expectation and become the constant and regular babysitter to their grandchildren!

I wonder why this is? If we have been responsible, caring and loving parents to our children and now they are adults with children of their own, why would we begin that heavy responsibility cycle all over again with our grandchildren?

Is it because our own parents - especially our mothers - showed us through example what it takes to be a good caring mums, (in most cases anyway) but unfortunately didn't have the skills or knowledge to know how to move on into those (what should be) enjoyable and independent retirement years? So we haven't had any role models for us to follow when we reach this phase in our lives. With very little or no practical experience to drawn from, it sounds as though many many retirees are just reverting to what we know best and rarely experiment or grasp the opportunity of understanding what a wonderful experience these retirement years have to offer if we believe we have earned through years of hard work and commitment!

Any comments on this theory?

I agree with many of the comments Jackypat. I have looked after my granddaughter one or two days a week since she was six months old She usually stays overnight so her parents can get to work on time. I adore having her and she is great fun. I driver her home and often find that I am exhausted by the time I get back - and I don't have the long journey that you described. This sounds like an accident waiting to happen to me and something you will find hard to keep up. Can you think of a compromise? Would you be able to stay for a few nights every fortnight? You need to talk to your daughter and explain your worries and see if she is able to think of a solution. It is hard enough driving on your own but doing this round trip with a baby for half of it sounds like a nightmare to me. Good luck - be assertive and don't take on anything you are not happy with.

I remember when I was a young Mum and very poor my Mum looked after my older 2 children 2 mornings each week so I could work part time. At that point the money I earned made a huge difference to me. Nowadays the cost of mortgages are so high for our children that they need both salaries to afford their houses. If that is the case with your DD then I would agree to look after DGC for 2 days each week but consecutive days and sleep over to do less travelling, on the condition that if a further day becomes available at nursery she will take it. When DGC is free it will get 30 free hours each week so money will be easier for her but personally if i was fit enough I would help her while she needs you. When my Mum was very ill in her 80's with cancer she had children, DGC and DGGC calling in to visit her and cook meals, clean and take her out every single day. My son who she looked after when he was a small child would often drive to see her for the weekend travelling over 150 miles each way to see her. If you look after a child when they are small you will always have a special close bond with them. However if you are not fit enough or feel you will be missing out on other things then you could say no but maybe help her out with the cost of one day each week nursery fees but only if you can afford to.

Just wanted to add that you could offer to do the Friday and then they would have to sort out the other day between them or get his mother involved as well?

We looked after our oldest grandson from about 6 months, for every weekend. We felt it gave Mum and Dad a break. We also looked after him in the school holidays when he was older which helped them a lot. We never regretted doing that because he was like an extra son to us and we love him to bits. He was a very serious child and not too lively so we did not get exhausted by the end of the day. Quite the opposite as we played cards and board games with him and he did his homework as well. We enjoyed our time with him so much; we miss him now he is at secondary school and we only see him one day a week. Payment was offered but we declined.

Jackypat. I would not go there. Imo it is too much to ask of you.

When my son was 7 I went back to work. I asked the council if they could recommend a good child-minder as they all have to register with them. I got a really wonderful lady who looked after my son after school finished until he went to secondary school. After that my sister took over as she had come to live nearby. That was a case of just being there when he came home from school. She gave him milk and biscuits and he did his homework until I picked him up an hour later.

I know that is not full-time care, I was just letting you know where to find help with child-care.

My advice is to offer to do one day a week only. Be firm and stick to this. Doing nothing will make you feel guilty, and you will miss out on a lovely experience. But being expected to do two days under these difficult conditions is not fair and taking advantage.

Everybody wins. You enjoy time with your grandchild, you earn your daughters respect. Your grandchild will have a happier time with you because you don't feel resentful. Good luck.

Has anyone considered the poor baby in all this? To have her time split between four lots of carers and venues (parents, nursery, minder and grandparent) at less than a year old is very detrimental to her emotional development. At nursery alone there will be several carers, and one day a week is insufficient time for her to bond with them. In addition she must adjust to different routines in each venue. The parents should study research on the effects of indiscriminate care on young children.
Apologies if child is a boy – his/her is rather clumsy.

Regarding holidays....we still take advantage of cheap term time holidays even though we have a GC (two different ones) two days a week. We try and arrange the hols early in the year and let our DD know straight away so that she can make alternative arrangements. She and her OH are perfectly happy about this - they just add another child minder day for that week or enlist the help of friends. They are very clear that we should not miss the opportunity to go away because of our childminding commitments.

I do think you need a serious chat with your DD that sets the ground rules - how many days, where they should be cared for, how to share the driving, holidays etc. It avoids future bad feeling or misunderstandings.

In fact we are sometimes flexible with them and occasionally have them on a different day if it suits DD better.

I would find it hard as Victoria08 said if I didn't have my husband to help. As a team we can do this easily... on my own I think I would find it tiring as well.

We look after our year old GS 1 day a week. Collecting him at 8.30 and taking home at 5.30. DH husband share the care and we are both shattered by the evening. I am having to go into hospital and DD will have to make other arrangements for 6 weeks. Emergency or occasional help is one thing but expecting is another. This generation seem to believe that GP should take their share of childcare. They have far more disposable income than we had and expect so much more. I think you should consider the cost to you on petrol, wear and tear on car as well as your own health and freedom. Maybe you could offer to contribute to her local child care.
Don't feel guilty, DD doesn't for asking. I expect you have worked hard for retirement - enjoy it.
Hope it works out
Shortbread

I think Cherrytree59 has the right solution. Your daughter bring the child to you the previous night and you can mind them at your own house.

Or maybe take it week about - you go to her one week and she brings DGC to you the other week. She will then see what the traffic etc.. is like.

Good luck

At the age of 70, my daughter got a part time job working for three long days per week.

She wanted me to look after Gs, who is now a 16month old toddler for one day a week. The rest of days he went to nursery and childminder.

I gave it a try because I felt guilty saying no, but I found it absolutely exhausting.
Having forgotten what it was like changing nappies, feeding, etc.
I was so tired that I felt physically ill and I don't like feeling that way.
We compromised and I agreed to have him every other week.
Bearing in mind that it was a ten hour day from start to finish.

Even now, just looking after him for a few hours it saps me.
On the other hand, they do bring a lot of laughter and happiness.

But think carefully about a long term commitment. Ten years ago, it wouldn't have been a problem for me, but as we age, we have to look after our health.

Difficult situation, especially as you have dogs to consider too. We look after GS one day a week at his house, meaning we leave home at 6.30 to get there in time for DSD to get to work. It takes us anywhere from 45 mins to an hour depending on traffic and we have to take our two dogs with us. I'm lucky in that DH does the driving, we love spending time with him but juggling him and the dogs is stressful at times (keeping them separate). If you can stay over ne take your dogs that would be on solution. Good luck whatever you decide,

This is such a dilemma and although distance means I'm not in this situation, if I was, and was asked, to be honest, I'd feel resentful of giving the time. And then guilty that I felt this way. The thing is, I've worked almost solid since I was sixteen and altered my job to fit round the kids when they were young. We were hard up but just learnt to manage. We had lots of happy times. Now, I feel is time for me, whereas my grown up children seem to have had a very comfortable lifestyle for so many years with lots of holidays, a great social life, and still want it all even whilst bringing up the family. I have no answers for you but at least you've given me the chance to sound off! All I can say is we're all different but if you only want to do one day, or none, I would say so. Your daughter will find a way round it, I'm sure. Good luck!

alC and others, that recommend overnight. It sounds sensible with the distance involved. Maybe you need to talk about it. Younger people can commute or handle long distances without a second thought. Besides, an overnighter gives mum a free evening as well!

I am thinking we will be doing overnight some time in the future if DIL and DSS want to go overnight themselves for a break for the two of them.

Just have to figure out where to put the travel cot. She naps in our room now, but I'd probably have to put it in the lounge (it's huge) as our other bedroom has a lot of glass and a door to the garden.

We all want to help our children if we can and I do one day a week for three school age grand-children. Next September I have agreed to have another one, a pre-schooler in the spirit of 'if I've helped one I must help them all'. I do enjoy it and hope we have built up lovely relationships with them all. However, the two families live within 20 minutes of me and are dropped off at the house since DD passes on the way to work. So jackypat I think this is a big ask considering the travelling involved especially as you will be doing it on two separate days. I would say that you should discuss this carefully with your daughter before agreeing on anything. As others have commented, it is pretty tiring taking on small children again whatever your age!

Jackypat, I think your own vibes are telling you what you want/ought to do. Try NOT to feel badly. Your daughter will find alternatives and will be all the stronger for having done so. I've had similar difficult decisions to make in the past. Guess most of us have. It's often just 'life'. Another thought is that you can see how things go and then perhaps amend your decision. Just don't let your daughter know this is on the cards. Another subscriber suggested the compromise of 1 day. Might be the answer but is still a huge commitment. These adult children dilemmas never go away do they? The high cost of loving, yet again...... Good luck!

Why aren't you doing 2 consecutive days, taking your dogs with you and staying over night?

and I think, as doglady says your should explain your concerns.

I don't agree with HellsBells at all (sorry).

My parents were no help to me whatsoever when my children were small. I had my son at only 18 and they NEVER so much as babysat to let me have a night out. I vowed that if I was ever lucky enough to be a grandma I wanted to be "hands on" and help look after the grandchildren as much as I could. I have never begrudged a minute of it.

I would never enjoy "freedom" thinking that my children were struggling. Surely that's what families are for. To help each other?

Jackypat. I missed helping out with my first batch of grandchildren as I worked full time, now an unexpected grandchild has come along after I have retired and I share childcare with her other nanny, between 1 and 3 days a week, both covering for the others holidays.

However my D I L has reduced her hours and changed from permanent night shift to days as she also wanted to spend as much time as she could with her baby.

Explain your concerns and offer to have her 1 day a week with her mum or dad doing the transport. Maybe she could also reduce her working week to spend some time with her baby

We often agree to things as we want to help but dont do it if it doesnt feel right

I agree with HellsBells & her approach - you are being asked to make a huge commitment. Did you retire in order to become an unpaid child-minder? And what if your MiL and FiL need help in the future?
Some grandparents want to be regular child-minders for their grandchildren & thoroughly enjoy doing so - but it should be a voluntary arrangement. I feel you are being pressured into this - which is not good.
Best wishes

When my grandson was born I was working full time but my employer was offering condensed week working (5 days over 4) so I opted for that and had him from Thursday night to Saturday evening at my house. When my daughter had her second child I had both of them at the same time. When baby number three arrived I had all of them at the same time. I found I was absolutely shattered by Saturday pm so decided to reduce my hours at work so that instead of a 10 hour day 4 days a week I went back to 8 hours. After my ex son in law walked out on my daughter and kiddies I used to get to her house to get them all up and dressed and then went to work after they were in school. Eventually I had to reduce my hours even more to be available some days for school up as ex son in law didn't keep his word about helping. I finally decided to take early retirement and it was the best thing I did. I look after my grandchildren full time now as my daughter works long hours. They are older now so that is a help but I am lucky in that I now live in with my daughter so don't have to travel anymore. Won't be that long before they are able to sort themselves out mainly so I am enjoying this time with them. I think you should ask your daughter if you can stay over the night before and do 'your' days together rather than split. Would be much less tiring to care for them without the travel daily.