LOUD VOICE

Thank you for your reply morethan2, we lost her last night

My mum could be rude, cantankerous, caused family arguments, said some very hurtful unnecessary things to loved ones, and liked to always bring the conversation back to her, but I now know that none of that matters now she's not here any more.

NikkiW Firstly I'm sorry about your mother. We went through a similar situation back in January with my MiL and the waiting is just awful. We knew all hope was gone but waiting knowing the worse was about to happen was almost worse than the grief following her death. She too was one of the rudest, cantankerous people I've ever known.(we loved her anyway) after her death this trait suddenly became a positive attribute. Of my two grandmothers the lovely kind one is hardly mentioned. The other who caused no end of family rows, spent a great deal of time drinking stout and playing bingo is remembered often and with great mirth. It's not fair but there it is. I'm not suggesting the op is rude and cantankerous at all. just adding in my thoughts as the thread developed.

I haven't read all the comments but felt I wanted to respond.

My mum is possibly the most inappropriate person I know in my family and she can actually be very rude. After many years of talking about her behind her back as we didn't want to hurt her feelings, I decided last year to have a talk. She was about to become a great gran and it was my first grandchild and my mum made a gift for my daughter, who unfortunately didn't want anything to do with her because of her past behaviour.

So I went to see her with the intention of telling her how we felt, knowing we could fall out over it. Long story short, we spent the whole day talking, arguing, crying, and finally agreeing that we would make efforts on both sides. The thing that astounded me was that she had NO idea we felt as we did, and she wished we had told her sooner.

I realised that we all should have told her years ago as we facilitated her in 'getting away with them' and thus created the problem.

Anyway right at this moment my mum is dying, might be today, or tomorrow as she has been taken off life support.

I'm glad that we had our talk and made some peace, she kind of tried to change but was never going to be able to after years of being that way and now I too can laugh at her annoying ways - she's a very unique person. My daughter did say once that all mum's are annoying so I guess I will be told to shush sometime in the future too.

So Melanie, I can imagine it is hurtful to be told to shush etc, and I know I would be mortified if my children did that to me, however, I think that it's wonderful that your daughters feel able to tell you rather than complaining behind your back and you not having a clue. I'm sure your husband is right as well, don't take too much to heart, I'm sure they mean well and care about you deeply

Oldbutnotoutyet7 is your post meant to be a joke? That sounds like one of those people who work hard at trying to see offence in every innocent remark!

the more I think about this ..the more I think

1. We were at a dining table with a large number of family and friends when I asked my daughter if having her baby was the hardest thing she'd ever done.
Perhaps it was, perhaps lots of private things happened at the birth. Perhaps she thought you meant getting pregnant...maybe it was difficult not everyone admits to fertility issues or having IVF. Or perhaps she thought you meant she never does anything challenging. Either way your remark wasn't funny on its own.

2. I asked my grandson if he sees much of his old school friend and neighbour who came out as gay about five years ago.

if this is funny .please explain how? where you joking at the neighbours expense or insinuating something?

3. I go on and on about how I am amazed by how good a father my daughter's husband is to the baby and not mentioning that apparently ALL the fathers were good.
firstly you are amazed he's a good father this could be taken .'because I thought he'd be rubbish' ....you say I go on and on...well that sounds nice ! everyone likes someone who repeats themselves. ..loudly. ..

4. I keep saying how much like my mother the baby looks which is apparently unflattering to the baby. I was thinking of eyes and expression, not wrinkles and big nose, in my defence.

This made me laugh. Each family wants to see their family in a couples new baby. Drives me crazy. never ever compare a couple's new baby to an old woman. ..

These combined with my loud voice make me sound like a nightmare.

yep ...

old but not out I agree that age alone does not give anyone the right to behave thoughtlessly. We should always behave/speak in a way we would be comfortable with others doing to us.

Personally, I think it's an arrogant attitude not to think on what you say and do, if something about what or how you speak is upsetting several members of your family. Clearly, we haven't got a balanced view. My father used to say things he felt were funny and had no idea how much he was upsetting people. He maintained people had no sense of humour. ..it was politics gone mad...generation gap ..etc... yet actually he was coming from a very sexist or just ignorant view not realising his view was out dated . Saying we have always been this way is not OK. After discussion he began to understand why... some comments coming from him at 20,30 or 40 were funny or cheeky but at 65 he looked like a dirty old man - he'd not thought of that. When he realised he was upsetting his grandchildren, and we explained why, he got it. Now he jokes - he's still funny but doesnt do lazy cheap shot humour. He talks to thd grandchildren about issues in private, where they can joke but on their terms. They have to get used to him too but when the odd comment slips through they roll their eyes. He understands that carrying on and not being flexible means he loses connections with family. This is why he tries his best to be considerate. Carrying on .. and see how you lose respect from your family. we respect my dad for trying.

My mum was deaf, and had a really loud voice. She loved taking our daughter to the theatre, but obviously heard very little of what was going on. In the middle of "Fiddler on the Roof" she asked my daughter in her very loud voice - "Why is he always talking to the people in the gods". My daughter was about 12, and told me she thought it would be rude to explain while the show was on, and quite right too.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcliR8kAbzc

I love this clip..

We had a family gathering in Manchester over Easter. 8 children played beautifully. The men chattered. The six women all sat at the dining room table. When my husband went for even more wine he said he could hear great guffaws of laughter from the women at the bottom of the road. Try not to let the comments affect your confidence Melanie you sound lovely. Our adult children can be a tad over sensitive and over worry about what others think. What they don't yet know is that other people are not thinking about us at all. They are too wrapped up with their own concerns. Jalima1108 I'm still smirking about your Garcon comment you wanna be in my gang?

and don't forget - 'Young Man'
He may have been very flattered

I have met some lovely Young Men who have been very kind to an old lady. Their mothers must have brought them up well.

I don't want my daughters to dread me but I am what I am. You are right. What I said was OK and quite funny and I am not going to change.

Thank you again lovely ones. You've done me the world of good. xxx

Jalima thank you so much for that clip, it made my day. I hope Melanie feels bettet for all the comments. I have a friend who always talks the loudest and monopolises the conversation but she is the kindest soul and we love her to bits. You are what you are Melanie, it would be a sad world if we all talked in whispers ?

We tend to spend all our time 'towing the line' as daughters... wives.... mothers. When I reached the age of 60, I decided to think, say , do and go where I wanted! So Melanie, keep on talking as you've always done... try to ignore your 'delicate' offspring... and as long as you're sure in yourself that you aren't actually hurting or insulting anyone unnecessarily... carry on doing it your way.

Teddy 123 thank you for the lovely kind comment,

I would love to think never too late and try keep tiny bit of hope alive,
How wonderful that you wrote to your friends daughter and they back in touch!

Friends have written to my daughter sadly to no avail everything totally ignored

mizzmellli - I don't see anything wrong with what you said! Some people keep growing into their twenties. Don't even think about it. It was nothing.

My boyfriend knows two twin lads who i last saw when they were about 14ish, saw them again and to my UTTER shame i said "My havnt you grown"!! they were 19 ish at the time but to this day I cannot walk past them without blushing lol! Ppl say stuff all time without thinkin lol, unless its mean it doesnt matter x

Having lunch with an Australian friend I asked how things were going with her man friend. She thought it could be on its way out as he was always telling her to speak quieter. As she said "That's who I am." She is a big personality and is always smiling and a great leader in our club. I sympathised with her as I also have a loud voice, maybe because of hearing problems as a child. We both met whilst living in Portugal and there the noise level just gets louder over the cafe tables and we were in an English country pub where the noise level was quieter but no one was whispering.

Melanie, I am sure the waiter had no problem being called young man.

None of the remarks you quote seem at all unreasonable or embarrassing to me! Just the sort of things I'd say. I'd ignore it. My family mainly tease ne about things I say and I do get a bit miffed but they say its meant affectionately so I try not to mind!

I have a loud voice but it's because I came from a large family of girls and if you wanted to get a word in you would have to shout, also we were in the habit of shouting talking to each other when we in different rooms.

It can be a combination of a naturally loud voice and slight hearing loss. My DH shouts down the phone and I have to remind him to 'just talk'. He denies he has hearing loss but I think he does have difficulty with some frequencies and I do too.
His mum was very deaf as she got older and was very prone to making inappropriate comments in a loud voice. I took her to the hearing clinic for a check up once and she kept commenting on the other patients in her loud voice. It was quite rude. 'She's very fat, don't you think?' 'She doesn't look deaf, why is she here ?' etc etc To me the opposite of PC is rude! I personally would only refer to a young boy e.g. DGS as 'Young man' as to me, when applied to an adult male, it sounds a bit condescending.

celebgran I'm sorry you're estranged from your daughter .... A horrible situation.

Re my son, yes I thought it was rude & did a sharp intake of breath as shocked! The words 'you bitch' just spilt out of my mouth. He was very apologetic but sadly I haven't forgotten. The strange part of this is that my DIL told me a few months ago "your the only person S listens to or asks advice from. I was dumbfounded!

I don't understand any of it and an to continue in my eccentric, noisy and talkalot world!

I hope you can resolve the issues with your daughter. A friend was in this situation recently and askede to compose a letter to the daughter, whom I've never met. So I did! And they are now back on speaking terms

It's never too late but realise how heartbreaking it must be ?

I too keep being told by my husband and son that I talk too loud and embarrass them. It has made me very self conscious about my voice and has spoilt days out when they look round to see if people are listening and shush me. I also have a strong Lancashire accent and I have that drawn attention to by people that haven't been brought up in the north.
It makes me particularly self conscious on the phone, even to friends, and when I remember I almost whisper when I'm out.

IngeJones - I feel bullied actually. Thank you for pointing that out. I booked in for a hearing test today but I can always hear everything that is going on so I don't think it's that. I haven't had the test yet.

I think I will try to be a little more subdued but if I make a remark that gets a stupid reaction I shall say "Please don't bully me, let me be myself".

I have always been lively and outspoken and hell why should I stop now for them?

I belong to a hobby group where one person has a voice as musical as a corncrake. She was a teacher and very opinionated and does dominate conversations . She is is very headachy to be with and in her 80s does not give way. I am fond of her but in small doses. She has no family to tell her to quieten down. I think families are always embarassed by family as someone said up post.