Feel terrible... please tell me what you would do

His threatening to put the house on the market (he probably can't if it's jointly owned anyway) proves how manipulating he is. Some sort of therapy could help if you get him there. Get legal advice. Men like this are full of bluster and self-importance, which is fragile. He'll threaten you with all sorts so you need to know exactly where you stand. Good luck.

Don't go back, why would you. He sounds perfectly horrid.
You have rights, even if all the money is in his name and the house. You have contributed all your life by bringing up his children etc.
My mum lies in a cemetery surrounded by young people, so make sure what life you have left, is a good happy and safe one. I'm sure your children are not stupid and knows what he is like. You maybe able to stay with one of them whilst you sort your life out

Cheerfulizzy
First bit of advice.You have done the sensible thing by GETTING OUT.Second. See a solicitor regarding threats concerning sale of house.Are you joint tenants /or tenants in common.Do you have access to the deeds?title?
You can get this information from Land Registry.Or the solicitor will do this for you.
Your husband sounds to me a very insecure person and you have not had a happy marriage.Family will advise you but I am afraid the only route for your peace of mind is the legal one.

Lizzy - well done on updating your children about what is happening.

As others have said best get professional help and advise on this.

In my mind your husband is a bully and a coward. He is using his insecurities to bully and blame you.

You may not think it but YOU actually have the upper hand NOT HIM, and you really need to believe that...recite it to yourself if it empowers you.

If you are able to carry on coversations/txts etc with your husband as normal referring to the fact you are staying a little longer at your dad's house to look after him then please do so. Say to him something like you understand he finds it difficult to cope on his own but there is XYZ in the freezer or you will pop back regularly to leave some lovely home cooked meals for him.

In my mind you will then wrong foot him and if it is recorded that you have not actually left the marital home permanently but only on a mission of mercy then he cannot sell from under your feet.

If you do positive things like this where you are in control then you will regain some power, control and self worth.

Remember you are in charge so your action is the way forward not a quivering reaction to his bullying.

We are all with you so TAKE CONTROL.

I would wish you good luck but you do not need it. You can do it.

I know you haven't yet made the decision yet to separate but the first step is gathering information, particularly as to what your rights are so that you can make an informed decision.
With regard to what he will say to your children, would they believe him? If so, once you have your ducks in a row, you need to try to speak to them before he does.
Hopefully they have noticed how he is but he sounds very much like my father who was a charismatic charmer (he is still alive but from what I hear the charm has gone) and no one would have believe how nasty he is. They won't suddenly change their view of you though and it would be surprising if they didn't try to stay impartial.

There is quite a bit of advice online. I would start with the CAB.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/

Cheerfullizzy I think you have been courageous and absolutely right in everything you have done so far. Its so difficult after all these years to finally say enough is enough. Whether you leave or not, you have effectively made it crystal clear you deserve more respect and at least others in your family now know what you have been going through.

My first husband was a violent drunk and controlling in the same way your husband was, chipping away constantly and your self worth and confidence. I also had 2 wonderful children and as I had no access to any money I left then went back, vicious cycle. When I eventually brok away it was such a relief and being on my own was so much better than being with him. Do you have any siblings? Just thinking if you moved in with your dad you would inherit the house at some point and not have to move, just makes actually moving forward easier if you can do this. Either way, you need to see a solicitor about a divorce at some point so your husband will have to put the house up for sale and you should have half of the proceeds coming to you which will be a big help. We were renting as my ex refused to buy a house so I was able to kick him out (children were only 7 and 1) and get the tenancy put in my name only. It will be a difficult road but so worth it in the end. I kept trying to convince myself he would change but he never did and still hasn't so I had a lucky escape. I wish you lots of strength and support but you will find a sense of peace in the end.

Wilma K .. thank you.. im nipping by the library to ask the citizens advice people if theyre open today to ask a few things.. x

Just wanted to say well done for taking the first brave steps. Well done! You don't need to look back and see only failure. You did have a strong marriage, built a business, raised a decent family who can see wrong from right. But now it's time for a new chapter. Chin up, you can do it.

Missadventure, Synonomous and everyone here, thank you so much.. you have all made me feel so much more confidant and positive... Will be considering and acting on some of your advice today.... feel like ive made a few friends here.. youre so supportive.... wish you were all near me,.... so here goes.. a new day... a more positive outlook.. thank you xx

cheerfullizzie I don't think anyone else has mentioned that some solicitors may give up to half an hour's legal advice for free, or a pre-agreed or fixed fee. Any of the organisations mentioned like CAB and Women's Aid will help you with this. Perhaps you can ask one or both of your children, or a friend to go to appointments with you. Another person is often useful as an extra pair of ears, or to ask questions you may not think about. It's hard starting again, but you need to start thinking of yourself now.

Lizzy what do your daughter, your son and his wife make of your situation. Has your husband kept his bad behaviour private and for you alone? Sometimes people think that their behaviour has not been noticed but it is almost impossible to cover it up completely and the family may well be aware of what is going on. Your dad may be elderly but I doubt that he has not become aware of what is going on. Will either your daughter or son give you support to investigate your legal and financial position?
You may need to go back home first in order to get your campaign off the ground. You need to write down as many of the things which have been happening as you can remember so that you are clear in your own mind. You need to copy texts and any other written material you have which is proof of behaviour. Diarise all that is happening now on a daily basis. You do not tell your husband about what you are doing! Go to Women's Aid and tell them everything so that you can get the proper advice and I think that you may well find that you are entitled to half of everything so do not be misled by your husband. Your ignorance is what he is relying on! This does not need to end in divorce but knowledge is empowerment and when you know the facts and can get your mind clear on what you are entitled to and where you want to go from here then you can decide on your own future. When he knows that you have an understanding of where you stand his behaviour might change. You will know what to do when the time is right. All the best

I think I may have posted on the parallel thread to this, but that seems to have been deleted.
So what happens to the comments/posts/contributions?
It seems harsh that some posts are blithely disregarded , could the two threads not have been merged (by some judicious copying and pasting, for instance) ?
What was the point of posting anything?

Your son and daughter have seen that your H's treatment of you is not right, so his plan of turning them against you has no chance.
Don't feel bad for telling them what's happening. I'm sure they wouldn't want you to keep coping alone.
All the best with whatever comes next.

Its a big step forward in that you're no longer enabling your husband by keeping quiet, lizzy. It may now be a turning point (ever the optimist!) Good luck: you must feel at least some of the weight is lifted now?

Thank you so much for all your advice.... today I went on the train to look after my little granddaughter..& I spoke with my son & daughter at lunchtime... I felt awful for telling them... but so relieved that I did... I think ashamed is the word i'm feeling/ looking for to have to tell them that their dad has behaved this way... theyve read the text for themselves..& now realise what things have been like.... theyve advised me to take things carefully & at some point talk it over with him how rediculous & immature he is being,... they feel that he does have feelings for me but theres underlying insecurity....& have said its wrong mum,... to have to put up with this and are angry at his nasty sarcasm & insults,Of course, I know only I can make the decision what to do next... but god, im finding it impossible to think clearly... so many years building a life together....& now I just feel empty & confused. Ive come back this evening to dads, he is such a kind & lovely soul.. at 87 he is very much on the ball,.... and has also given me some advice... partly that he feels my husband has a jeckyl & hyde tendancy... im so grateful to be able to stay here, and also to you all for listening...I don't know the way forward,... but I know I have decisions to make....

That is appalling and you need legal advice as to how you stand financially should you decide to split. Have your daughter and son ever seen how he behaves with you in the past? When you say you are financially dependent on him do you have any assets or pensions in your own name?

It sounds as if you've had enough, and I'm not surprised. If this is a longstanding dissatisfaction and you're finally at the end of your tether (rather than January blues), I think you should get some legal advice. If you've been married for 37 years and have helped to run the business, you should be entitled to a reasonable share of house, money, etc. Good luck.

Cheerfullizzy, has he ever hit you or threatened you with violence? I do think you should definitely seek advice from Women's aid. Also look up threatening behaviour as the law has changed recently and includes emotional damage.
Be careful going back and if you do start collecting evidence.
You may not think you are powerful but you do have rights under the law.

Please take courage and leave him. Like others have said there is help out there. You need to start living he is destroying your confidence and self esteem. Good luck.

You must take legal advice, even if by some miracle your husband changes and you decide to try again. You will likely be entitled to half the business residue and half the house and need to make sure you have ample pension provision. Concentrate on this, on getting your ducks in a row, and let him stew and threaten all he likes, it is all bluster and panic. As others have said, don't mention the text to him but do keep it. Not only is he a bully, he is a stupid one. Good luck and get thee to a solicitor!

harrigran there are many, many ways to save this text so it cannot be ‘vanished’ and yes, as Bellanonna says one way is to forward it to someone for safe keeping. Another way is to screenshot it and save it to a cloud, or even print it out.

I think the OP should stand her ground and not let this man intimidate her. But I agree about taking advice too.

You could forward the text to your children just in case it gets deleted on your phone and also to let them see how he is behaving. You will hopefully feel better once you open up to your children about how things are.

Do not confront your husband about the text, do not remind him you have written evidence, he may try to get your phone to delete the message. Take expert advice so that you are provided for financially.