Feel terrible... please tell me what you would do

Good luck

Sparkle 199, the house may be in his name but you may well be entitled to 50% of the marital assets so I would get some legal advice. Most solicitors offer half an hour free and if you get some idea of where you stand on the financial front that might give you some idea of where you want to go.

cheerfullizzy Well done. You rock !!!
Do pay attention to what others say about keeping your cards close to your chest. Don't let him guess what you are planning, get lots of advice and sort those ducks.

I feel so sad for all of you in this situation. Take note of the fact that whatever the threats about leaving you destitute etc etc its not true...you hae rights. So scary ...but please listen to those on here advising that they were in your situation, got out of it and SURVIVED!!

Oh Saggi and Sparkle199 my first husband was just like yours. No-one could understand why I left "such a nice man"!

The best thing I ever did was to leave him even although everyone thought I was the villain in the drama. It was tough but I am so glad now that I did.

Even though

Long marriages are not worth saving if they put you at risk. I divorced 4 years ago after being married for 42 years and realised I couldn't try anymore. Controlling men can turn violent if they feel they can't stop you leaving or control you anymore ( I'm proof) I've never been happier since I left and you are younger then I was. Get a good solicitor you are entitled to all sorts of things. Don't stay you can have a better life than this.

I agree with Emily, take your time, planning is the key to this, as my DM used to say, ‘get all your ducks in a row’
If you rush out of the family Home without any financial planning you could regret it in the long run.

Go back. ~Take legal advice on how to exit with maximum financial advantage. See Citizens Advice. Set up a separate bank account and expect to take just under a year to get out with half his pension and half the house value.

Cheerful Izzy, I too am in a similar situation to you. Married 31 years to a bullying control freak talks exactly the same as yours putting me down, controlling everything and everyone if he can.3 adult children still at home, I’m at end of the road he does as he pleases holiday with his parents goes out with neighbours couple, I feel like a housekeeper, rarely sleep in ‘his’ bed/room (which is ours) if I do then he squashed me and digs into my body with his elbows s I never sleep!
I too need to decide to go it alone or shut up and put up as he holds the power house in his name I’ve onky a small part time job income so I’m just so frightened to decide as well because all kidadults still live at home although they all have partners but saving desperately. As soon as he’s in from work they all disappear! He sits down and ssays where’s my dinner then most days it’s oh what’s this **! HELP please any sdvice?

I’m so sorry to hear your problem . You have been living in an abusive relationship for years and now here he is, having to finally fend for himself and is threatening you with more abuse unless you come back to resume looking after him . Go to your family and tell them not only what he has been doing all these years , but also what he’s threatening to do. Then go to a solicitor and talk over leaving for good. You are his legal wife. You are entitled to your share of the house and maybe even more. Please don’t put up with any more. I can recommend a book to you that helped me to leave an abusive relationship. It’s calked” Why Charming Men Make Dangerous Lovers” . Don’t be put off by the title . It’s pure gold. In it , your situation is described as travelling with HIM on a fast moving train... every time you threaten to jump he says he ll change and stay as the train is going to Happy ever after but one day, you do jump and although your a bit battered and bruised , you are free. I wish you all the best. Leave. You have made that jump!

Peardrop that was brilliant and hit the nail right on the head. Living with someone is hard as none of us are perfect but after all this time together it is worth trying to get to the root of things and maybe sort things out. I am sure your children would be relieved.

Well done you!
You can discus your future far better when you are in possession of facts; you won't be so susceptible to harassment or bullying as you realise you have options open to you, and you can make decisions based on what you want.
Good luck.

Good morning ladies... just to say thanks again to you all... yesterday I tok a deep beath... got myself out...& acted on your advice... feeling braver from all your mesages I went to a printing shop in the town center & got the threatening texts printed off to keep here at Dads for future evidence... then sought some legal answers at the CAB.... although they said they are not solicitors they clearly put me right about things..& ive emailed a solicitor.... then this morning ive had a text.. husband wants to meet to talk... if I do meet.. I will say that I want to meet in the town center or publuc place rather than go to the house. It will be on my terms...... its going to be a tough day... Im trying to be strong.....

Saggi.... reading your post bought a lump to my throat.... can't believe how your situation resembles mine exactly... I too spend time out of his presence... at dads... but he does often come to see granddaughter with me..& I also dont drive... go to shopping centre for time to myself etc..... where abouts are you saggi.. im in london borough of Havering... how I feel for you.. thank you for sharing your feelings & hope you change things for a better future..we can be a support for each other.. x

Peardrop50....I've just got to say to you... who seems to think that saving a marriage is the best thing to do. It's not!! Getting out of a long -term marriage IS the best thing. Our generation was led or pushed into what can only be described as legalised slavery! Housework, washing, ironing, cleaning, gardening , child rearing, nursing the poor little men when they've got 'man-flu'... oh you've got it as well, but that is never as bad as theirs.!! Once the kids are flown just what the hell do we keep doing it for eh!! Just to get slagged off once or twice a week cos there's no milk in the fridge!! Stuff it peardrop50....you may think mean and marriage are preferable to freedom...but many of us don't.

You Cheerfullizzie.... my heart bleeds for you...welcome to my world. My husband is the most placid , benign, quiet,agreeable man that anyone knows...when he is in other people's company!!! When they aren't with us he turns into a controlling.. manipulative..obnoxious human being!! I am financially dependent on him...he always made sure if that! And I'm stuck like you in limbo!! Nobody would believe his behaviour... because of his wonderful smile that is on his face around folk. Who ever knows what goes on behind closed doors eh! Try make your own life... I spend as much time out of his presence as possible even if I'm walking the streets or riding the buses( don't drive.... he saw to that!!) . I'm so sorry for you and I know EXACTLY where you're coming from . Good luck whatever you do! And everybody out there who wants to conciliate by 'talking' to him... believe me these men don't do conciliatory!!

Peardrop50 emotional abuse is a long lasting form of domestice violence. Believe me, I still suffer from a lack of self-confidence because of 26 years of it and that's 20 years on.

cheerfullizzy I think that you've done the right thing for yourself in leaving. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you know all your legal rights so that you don't have to worry about that part of things. If you do decide to go back to your husband, make sure that you have some good quality counselling that will be of benefit to you both.

Don't let emotional blackmail win - stand up for yourself.

I am so glad you've got your Dad to stay with as it's much harder to be on your own when you are trying to sort out what you should do.

Be strong Lizzy and I hope whatever you decide is the best path for you.

I understand the principal of keep adult children out of it but clearly if husband is using telling lies about her to them it is completely wrong for her to collude with his nastiness. Sometimes truth hurts for ACs but it cant always be avoided

Try to keep your children out of this. Despite your husband's faults he is their father and there is nothing worse for children, even when adult, to feel that they have to take sides if their parents' marriage breaks down. Much better to seek support from a third party such as Relate who are trained to support couples in coming to an understanding of their difficulties, whether this ultimately results in reconciliation or divorce. My husband's ex wife is a bitter and unforgiving person who continues to poison his children's views of him years after their break up. He's not a bad person, actually a very kind and generous one, they just weren't suited it seems, and every Christmas and birthday I witness his tears and the huge sadness he feels when they still won't acknowledge him. My first marriage also ended in divorce but in contrast we went out of our way to keep our relationship cordial and not to drag the children (then in their teens) into our disagreements. They have continued to have good relationships with both of us and also now with our new spouses. Good luck.

I'm so glad that you have shared this with your adult children; it takes away the power from him really and just might make him think. Also I wonder if your responses sort of encourage this weird power games from him ...I totally understand you getting upset but if he criticised my cooking like you described then I'd say "Ok. Next time you do it! " And when everyone turned up tell the Dad is cooking as he doesn't like what I cook or if he hasn't done anything say Oh well we'll have to go out as dad didn't like my cooking last time! In other words call him out! Hope you can sort it the very best way for you

I haven't time to check, but I think op said her mother wanted the parents' house put into the name of op.

If dad's home is already in the name of op..... Would this not be an asset of op and thus would the husband not be entitled to a share.??

Of course if husband doesn't know the dad's house is now in op 's name.......... (If indeed it is)............

Just want to say well done for the brave decision to move out this alone will have probably with any luck shown him he can not treat you this way he is probably panicking and making threats because he still feels this is how to scare and manipulate you .Whatever you do tell your family about the situation the reason he has got away with it for so long is because he won't have thought you would tell anyone. I left after 27 year it was difficult but now 7 years on so worth it for the peace of mind it's brought to my life .I just wish my parents had still been alive when I eventually left him they would have been such a help and support like your dad is to you .

I did not pursue a career in law but I do have a law degree. I remember it being constantly repeated, critical analysis, thought and argument so with that in mind can I play devils advocate
Husband runs own business, gets used to making all the decisions, giving orders, not being questioned so eventually turns in to a controlling person without being aware. Wife enables this because she’s a kind person who puts family first and likes a peaceful life for her and her family.
Wife retires and gives a day to looking after granddaughter, gives three days to looking after father, perfectly fine and shows her lovely caring nature.
Husband feeling pushed out, envious, losing control but lacks the emotional intelligence to discuss feelings so becomes more controlling.
Wife cooks meal, doesn’t taste great but for sake of harmony all say it’s delicious including husband. Afterwards he tries to tell her privately so that she doesn’t serve it again, she becomes defensive, tells him he’s nasty, insults escalate.
She looks back at other rows and decides he’s always critical. He looks back and thinks she’s always overly sensitive.
She walks out. Both feel aggrieved. They meet in a cafe, she expects him to ride up on a white charger, he expects her to want to come home. She says she’s not ready to come home and goes back to father’s house. He goes home and sends a threatening text out of desperation saying that if she doesn’t come back he might as well sell up and move. He might ask what will the children think of you then when you’ve broken the family?
We can all be incredibly cruel when we are desperate, unhappy, lost.
Not my place to tell my story here but suffice to say my marriage hit the rocks in 1984 under similar circumstances. We had lots of counselling and learned to be much kinder to each other. Still happy together after all.
I am aware that op needs to have her ducks in order just in case but wanted to make the point that reconciliation is also an option worth exploring.
Sorry op if I seem insensitive, sincerely trying to help x

Am presuming your love for him has been eroded over the years because of his controlling ways ? In that case, Relate may not help, but only you can say if it’s even worth a try. If he is a controller he would probably refuse to go anyway. He sounds a dinosaur too, if he truly feels that it is ok for him to behave in this way these days. As others say, you will be entitled to half of everything including his pension. I too lived with a controller and in my personal experience they cannot change, it’s too deep rooted plus they are in denial that they are doing anything wrong .... it’s evidently your fault, as you make them behave like that !! I have a wonderful solo life now that I don’t have a man holding me down, I have many friends and go to shows, concerts, Opera, holidays etc and I see loads of my kids and grandkids, even holidaying with them when invited. Of course I would love to meet Mr Right, as long as he is not “ Mr Always Right” !! Fly free, and live your life your own way, not someone else’s ?

If you have been married 37 years all assets are joint even if in your husband's name. If you divorce him for unreasonable behavior you should be entitled to half and 1/2 of combined pension pot. 1/2 of value of business too. Judge can order valuation. Go and see solicitor and find out what you might be entitled to before you make decisions.