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(46 Posts)
fizzers Fri 16-Aug-19 15:44:20

Back from shopping with a good friend . She seemed a bit perturbed, over coffee she told me that she had found her parents marriage certificate, she didn't realise that she was born a couple of months prior to her parents wedding. That's not really the issue because back then there was quite a lot of couples who 'had to get married' either before or after the birth of the child.

What's bothering her is that after having a discussion with her mother, her mother was reminisicing about when she met her late husband (it was Easter) my friend said to me that would've meant she was born 7 months after they met, assuming they had sex on that day!

I said that her mum had probably meant that they had met the previous Easter , it's quite easy for an 85 year old to confuse the years - which woujld've made a lot of sense. She wasn't born premature either, she was full term.

She is now worrying that her late father was not her biological father, I advised that if it really worried her she could get a DNA testing kit from a reputable company and get DNA samples from her siblings to see if they are full siblings.

I did ask her if she really wanted to go down that road, spending probably quite a lot of money, and that it wouldn't achieve anything apart from causing a lot of upset. The man that raised her was her father. I personally think the mother got the year wrong and I told her so.

we mulled it over , looking at the various possibilities and ended up having a laugh over it, but I must admit that sort of revelation would shock a good many folks.

Riverwalk Fri 16-Aug-19 16:13:47

There must be many people whose biological father is not the man they thought it was.

Before your friend goes down the DNA route I think she should just make a few discreet enquiries and do some digging around.

How does she know she wasn't premature - her parents could well have had sex on the first day, it's not a new thing!

If they'd met the previous Easter, some 19 months before she was born, it's likely they would marry before her birth not after, unless one or other was already married but that would show on the marriage certificate. So many possibilities.

Daisymae Fri 16-Aug-19 16:21:11

Well she would not be alone if that were the case. I believe that DNA testing has caused a lot of upset.

Riverwalk Fri 16-Aug-19 16:22:53

Ignore my last paragraph, I've just realised you say they were married before she was born, not after!

fizzers Fri 16-Aug-19 16:26:04

No she was born after they were married.

Riverwalk Fri 16-Aug-19 16:36:34

Oh, right, well re-instate my last paragraph!

Callistemon Fri 16-Aug-19 16:38:32

confused as you said in the OP that she was born a couple of months prior to their wedding.

Easter is a moveable feast - it could have been very early that year. It can be as early as 22nd March and she could have been premature.

GillT57 Fri 16-Aug-19 17:45:29

Good point callistemon. A quick Google to see when Easter was that year could save a lot of money and possible heartache.

Tangerine Fri 16-Aug-19 19:20:15

I bet lots of men have raised children that were the offspring of another man.

If your friend was treated well by her father, perhaps she might want to think twice before stirring things up as it could cause her heartache.

I hope things turn out well, whatever she decides to do.

Elegran Fri 16-Aug-19 19:51:12

fizzers You did say in your first post that she was " she was born a couple of months prior to her parents wedding" so she was born before, not after.

I would imagine that they had known each other for several months "courting" before sleeping together, They may well not have leapt into bed immediately - not everyone a generation or two ago did. I think your friend is too quick to look for complications, a hastily arranged wedding was much more likely to be to the father of the baby than to someone else.

M0nica Fri 16-Aug-19 19:56:44

The parents could have met the previous Easter, 19 months before she was born but it did not become sexual for quite sometime, not unusual then when many women were virgins on their wedding night.

Even though the relationship had become sexual, they could either have risked it with unprotected intercourse and got away with it for several months or used protection and either been carelss or suffered a failure. Either way her mother became pregnant 11 months before the wedding and had the baby two months before it took place.

In the story you tell I can not see anything in it to suggest your friend's father is not her biological father

DoraMarr Fri 16-Aug-19 20:15:31

When I was a little girl I had this fantasy that I was a princess in danger who had been given to poor peasants to be looked after( actually my dad was a policeman and my mother had been to boarding school.) I remember telling a teacher that I was a Persian princess, and that one day my true parents would come for me and I would go back to rule my country. I had a very vivid imagination. Actually, I was born seven months after my parents married.

M0nica Fri 16-Aug-19 21:04:05

Yes, I used to have fantasies about being adopted, especially when I was at odds with my mother over anything, but there is such a strong family 'look', which I had, that it was quite clear, even to me, that this was sheer imagination.

fizzers Fri 16-Aug-19 21:52:13

Sorry Riverwalk she was born before they were married.

My friend did say that she had checked up when Easter was that particular year, that how she knows she was born 7 months after her parents met, 2 months before they married.

She's done a little bit of digging but come up with nothing, after all this was over 60 years ago, the people who might have known anything have passed way, growing up she wasn't treated any differently to the other siblings. Only the boys look alike, the two girls do not.

More than likely the mother got the year wrong, I think it mustve been the previous year, I've suggested she gets the mother reminisicng again, going over old stuff, see what her mother says

Callistemon Fri 16-Aug-19 22:09:14

They could have met at Easter years before. Did her mother specify which Easter?

fizzers Fri 16-Aug-19 22:20:12

Callistemom I had asked her that, she said her mum said the year, it was the same year she was born, but am pretty sure it would have been the previous year. I mean I have trouble remembering years, I could name the year but not the exact month when I met my ex husband, I couldn't tell you when I met any of my other exes though!

Callistemon Fri 16-Aug-19 22:30:06

I'm not 85 yet but I can remember the exact date I met DH!

He may not remember though.

Nannarose Sat 17-Aug-19 09:16:28

I have, on a couple of occasions had similar conversations with women - both were mid-eighties, neither at the time showed obvious signs of dementia, although both later developed it. So I imagine the muddling of dates (and on one occasion the actual husband!) was an early sign.
For various personal reasons I knew the details they were giving were wrong. Had I been less certain, I might have wondered if I was being told about a 'secret'.
It seemed strange to me that something so personal, so deep, would be muddled, but I can tell you it was so, and I'm posting in the hope that you can share this with your friend, and it may be of some comfort.

JaneJudge Sat 17-Aug-19 09:59:43

I can't remember the date I met my husband either. I think it was in the summer though confused

quizqueen Sat 17-Aug-19 10:04:03

Well, the answer is to clarify the situation with her mother (I'm assuming the father is dead). Say she saw the wedding certificate and wanted to know if she was premature to get the conversation rolling.

granny4hugs Sat 17-Aug-19 10:08:25

She should most definitely not get one of those ridiculous DNA kits.
The man who raised her, loved her, paid for her upkeep, looked after her interests IS HER FATHER.
Parenthood is not about who shagged whom

Buffybee Sat 17-Aug-19 10:22:23

Probably the Mother meant the Easter before the year she was born but in any case, what good would it do now, opening a 'can of worms' like this?

Jaycee5 Sat 17-Aug-19 10:28:43

According to, my parents were born a year and a month after they told us which would mean that my sister was born before they were married. They never celebrated their wedding anniversary. I can't ask my mother but I have wondered if my sister has seen it and clocked it. It is very confusing when everything you have though about your childhood is off key. It is possible because my father was very young, just turned 19 and he did national service around that time.
I don't have any doubt that they are both, both of our parents and would find it difficult to cope with if there were and I understand how she feels but knowing isn't always better than not knowing.

Esspee Sat 17-Aug-19 10:42:03

I believe I am pretty unshockable and I would love to get to the bottom of a mystery such as this if it was my family.
I agree that your mother or father is the person who brought you up as such but would very much want to learn about my biological ancestry.

starbird Sat 17-Aug-19 11:18:58

I don’t have any doubts about my father, but if I were to discover that he was not my real dad, I would not care a hoot and would not be interested in making any enquiries. He was my dad and I loved him to bits. Genes cannot compare with a lifetime of love and caring.