Gransnet forums

Gransnet cafe

Welcome to the *Gransnet Café. This is a non-judgemental space for you to pop in for a cuppa with some virtual friends, seek out advice for a particular problem, or share an update on your life - important or trivial. Feel free to have your say and chat about your day, but please leave any arguments at the door. If you're struggling to find someone to talk to in real life, or are simply looking for a bit of a chat, this is the place for you.

New grandparent

(120 Posts)
Sunflower42 Tue 28-Apr-20 20:41:56

So I’ve just found out that I’m going to be a grandmother for the first time, I knew this was coming as they’ve been trying a while. Me and my daughter are very close but I’ve been told that I won’t be wanted at any scans or appointments, that no one including me is being told any names they decide on until after the birth and that my help or advice isn’t required unless asked.
I get it I do, and this isn’t about me it’s about them becoming parents. So I’m trying to stay out of it as much as possible,but I’m having to really adjust my expectations and what I thought my daughter being pregnant would be like.
I feel sad about it all to be honest, not that I have intentions of voicing any of this, so I’m just trying to work though my feelings about this.

Hithere Tue 28-Apr-20 20:46:14



I can see your disappointment.

However, you are doing the right thing by readjusting your expectations.

You will be a great grandma!

Sunflower42 Tue 28-Apr-20 20:58:13

Thank you

I do hope so !

phoenix Tue 28-Apr-20 21:09:16

Congratulations Sunflower! smile

However I must confess that it would never had occurred to me to have my mother at any of my scans or appointments, or to have been present for any of those relating to my grandchildren!

As I see it, that is something just for the prospective parents.

Perhaps that is now considered an old fashioned view?

Katyj Tue 28-Apr-20 21:11:13

Congratulations Sunflower. I can feel your disappointment, and your probably a bit hurt too. I’m just wondering why she felt the need to say this so soon, I’m guessing she’s in early pregnancy.
I had a shock with my first grandchild, there wasn’t a gransnet then unfortunately,i didn’t know my dil very well, and they were both very young. I expected they would want and need lots of help, I couldn’t have been more wrong,i overstepped the mark out of love and concern and was given the cold shoulder ! Looking back quite rightly too.
They have loads of information at their finger tips now and are much more confident and generally older too.
Just be yourself,don’t speak until your spoken to ( joking ) if they need help they’ll ask, it’s the modern way.

brook2704 Tue 28-Apr-20 21:18:11

Congratulations Sunflower what lovely news ! It’s an exciting time ahead and a chance to develop a different relationship with your daughter as she starts a family of her own.

Hetty58 Tue 28-Apr-20 21:26:21

Sunflower, it appears that your daughter knows you very well!

This is an exciting time for her and baby's father. You just need to take a back seat.

Did you appreciate advice and/or intrusion from your own mother? Remember that there are several valid ways to parent a child, therefore your way is not the only or best way!

Sunflower42 Tue 28-Apr-20 21:30:52

Katyi, as the baby conversations came up in the past she once mentioned scans and appointments as though I would be there ( there’s some complicated family history) , they have booked an early scan and as they were telling me she said they talked and wanted to keep all scans and appointments for just them. The name thing she said in passing a few weeks ago (before a baby was on the way) and yesterday they were decorating and without thinking mentioned avoiding glossing and was told she’s looked it all up and if she wants advice she will ask for it. like I said I do understand, they have it all at their finger tips and things have changed since I had my youngest. I guess this is a learning curve for all of us. .

Grammaretto Tue 28-Apr-20 21:33:38

Congratulations sunflower42. that's lovely news,
I hope the pregnancy goes well.

Like Phoenix, I wouldn't have expected to have my parents around when I was giving birth and as brook2704 says, your relationship will change.

geekesse Tue 28-Apr-20 21:34:37

Sunflower, congratulations!

Try to see it from different viewpoints. Did you have your own Mum present at your ante-natal appointments and scans? It’s not really usual, and I’d have hated to have my Mum doing that stuff. Part of the fun of having a baby for a couple is ringing round and announcing the baby’s name. Now that they always know the sex way in advance, the name is pretty well the only surprise they have left. Only my husband and I knew what names we had chosen until after each of the kids was born, and I was the first person to call each of them by name. It was kind of nice.

I’d just signal a hint of caution.... you say you and your daughter are ‘very close’. I wonder if she and her husband/partner may feel that your intense involvement in her life is a bit intrusive? Now they are expecting a child, they may feel this is a good time to gently stake out a bit of a space to build their own life as a family.

Sunflower42 Tue 28-Apr-20 21:35:41

Hetty I had no family including my mother around when I had any of my kids, I did my first born alone and it was tough, I needed help/ advice , not that I have given any. She’s been around enough babies and she will be a fantastic mother and her husband will be a fantastic father. I’m just a little sad that I won’t be involved in anything at all it’s not the relationship I’ve had with my daughter, as I said we are very close she tells me everything, she still wants hugs when she’s down or poorly and I see her most days (or I did until lockdown)

Sunflower42 Tue 28-Apr-20 21:41:10

Geekesse, that might well be the case but I’d like to point out it’s her that rings me every day, she comes for her dinner once a week, twice if her hubby is working late. I don’t think I’m intrusive I’ve always left them to get on with their lives, I know she enjoys her weekends with him so I don’t intrude and she knows I have my own life as well.

To be honest I was just hoping to talk as I was feeling low...
Now I’m questioning everything, maybe coming here to chat was t the best idea

Hithere Tue 28-Apr-20 21:53:10


Please dont say you are not involved in anything at all. That is not true and you know it.

You are! She told you about the baby, she calls you every day, she goes for dinner at least once a week... that is very close and she keeps you in the loop.

You are just not a direct witness of events you thought you would be included in, like the medical appointments, for example.
I bet your dd will tell you how the appointments go.

Please don't go down the catastrophic route of "I am not involved at all". That is how trouble starts

GrannyLaine Tue 28-Apr-20 22:11:50

Sunflower42 many congratulations on your forthcoming grandchild. In your situation, I too would be feeling a bit perplexed. I have had close relationships with my daughters and daughter in law during their pregnancies and none of them has ever felt the need to issue quite such a directive at the outset! Maybe your daughter is just finding her way with the impending changes in her life - let it play out and give her time to adjust.

phoenix Tue 28-Apr-20 22:40:12


Babyshark Tue 28-Apr-20 22:58:56

I’m very close to my mum but it never occurred to either of us that she would be involved in the things you expected to be? They are for the parents, why would you be included or want to to be? These are their experiences, not yours.

That’s not to say you won’t have lovely experiences to come - grandma ones but you really can’t expect to intrude on their special moments.

Summerlove Tue 28-Apr-20 23:13:12


As hard as it is to readjust, you’re doing the right thing!!

You’re going to do so well ❤️

Luckygirl Tue 28-Apr-20 23:20:41

Congratulations on the impending grandchild - and also for amending your expectations - very wise indeed!

I have several DDs and they all had different expectations of what my role might be! - so I have just gone with the flow with each one. I know they all love me and I did not take offence in any way - they just had different ideas, which is fine.

Support her every decision - and you will come out smiling! And I am willing to bet that there will come a time when they are totally exhausted and they will be glad to ask for your help - just bide your time! smile

GrannyLaine Wed 29-Apr-20 09:12:29

Spot on Luckygirl

I'll remember forever the anguished phone call in the early hours of the morning
" Mum, you know you said that if it all got too much I was to call you? Well I'm calling you..."

And I went.

Lovelifelynn Wed 29-Apr-20 09:45:16

Congratulations on the wonderful news. Perhaps your daughter feels that the scans and appointments should be private for the two of them (understandable) and as for the name they probably don't want others views on it or they want it to be a surprise. Try not to overthink it and just look forward to the baby cuddles of which I am sure there will be plenty.

jaylucy Wed 29-Apr-20 09:48:06

Lovely news!
I am not surprised that your DD doesn't want you at appointments and give info on the names etc.
There is close, and close - you have obviously brought your daughter up to be a strong independent woman which is brilliant but there are some things that should only be between husband and wife and the whole process of pregnancy and birth, imo is one of them.
Just sit back and enjoy the prospect of being a gran. No reason that you can't continue to spend time with DD once allowed to, but just let her and her OH have this special time together. If they need you, they will no doubt ask.

grandtanteJE65 Wed 29-Apr-20 09:48:34


Sorry you feel pushed aside, but hang on a minute. If your daughter took you with her to the scans, etc. what about her mother-in-law, or whoever is closest to her on that side of her family?

This way, even if some of you feel left out, at least you are not having to swallow someone else being included instead of you.

I frankly would never have wanted either to take my mother or mother-in-law with me to a hospital appointment of any kind, or expected my daughter-in-law to invite me, but that's just me.

You are tackling this the right way, so left off all the steam you need to here.

readsalot Wed 29-Apr-20 09:50:37

Please respect their wishes as they make their new family. When the baby is a few weeks old I am sure they will be asking for your help and advice; just make sure to wait until you are asked. I took a back seat with my DIL but have been involved with DGD far more than I thought and love it! Miss her during this lockdown.

lynn56 Wed 29-Apr-20 09:52:31

Congrats ! How exciting for you.
I think it is right that they bond over the scans etc and names are very personal and open to much opinion so I encouraged my daughter through both pregnancies to keep ideas to themselves .
But like you I am close to my daughter and she did begin to test ideas past me and make enquiries about familiar names and I was careful to be even handed and answer her questions with pragmatism.

There are many other ways to enjoy the pregnancy - little gifts of body cream choc and flowers went down well. Those lovely shopping trips but take care to home in on the style they like.
Once the baby arrives - yes there is so much info out there but nothing replaces a cuppa with mum and a cuddle for them both or a text rant when the baby isn’t predictable according to the sleep app !!
She will still be your lovely daughter and 3 years on my daughter and I are close than ever and there is nothing like this quarantine to make them realise how much us granny’s do.

Relax —- enjoy seeing the scan pictures and all will be well .

Pythagorus Wed 29-Apr-20 09:52:47

Sounds normal to me. Congratulate yourself on having raised an independent capable daughter which is what we should aspire to! The umbilical cord should be cut!
I am always amazed when a grown woman with a husband/ partner needs her mother at the birth! She is going to be a mother herself for goodness sake!
Hard on the husbands / partners when the ma in law won’t back off and let them live their lives. Don’t worry. I backed off when appropriate and my son 48, and his partner welcome me with open arms especially when I drop of home cooked food to help out during this virus episode. What goes around comes around. But just give them chance to live their life and work things out for themselves, they will be back!