New grandparent

I love my grandchildren but was most surprised to be invited to the scan for No1 - wasn’t for No2 and didn’t see it as an issue. I feel it’s a matter for the parents to decide.
I try to make sure I am around if needed both physically (pre Covid) and for advice - but only if asked for

Sunflower Congratulations, I understand your disappointment but it is understandable of your daughter to want her partner over you - it’s their baby after all. I have a super relationship with my daughter but during her pregnancy I wasn’t invited to attend scans or the birth. But I was shown pictures of the scans and I was the first person to meet my gorgeous grandson after his mum and dad, and it was me she turned to after for support and advice. The best piece of advice I can give is don’t give advice unless it’s asked for and be there to support all the way. Wishing you every happiness as your family grows ?

Congratulations sunflower42. Great news!. Don't be offended about all the things you may have felt you would be part of. It's very typical of new to be parents I would say so try and accept your DD's feelings. Accept it in a most gracious way and just support your DD throughout her pregnancy, I'm sure you will anyway. It's lovely news.

I think it has to be remembered that your daughter and her partner are having this baby; it is not you and your daughter having it.
If either of my adult daughters asked me to go I would but only after asking sons in law if they were happy about it. It’s their baby after all.
Time to back off a bit perhaps.

Lovely news Sunflower!

Just enjoy the baby when he/she arrives.

As for going to scans and names, don't be fretting

I didn't tell my mother about names and I'd certainly not have wanted her to come to scans and appointments which seems to be the consensus of opinion here

Years of happy grandparenting await!

Congratulations ! The coming grandchild is wonderful news and I am sure you will be a lovely grandmother and get huge joy from this new member of your family. I won't add to the wise words others have written BUT suggest you could focus on doing something very special for the child and the parents - I've written about this before, but it really is a great idea which has lots of unique meaning for the family. So, when you get the first baby photos you can start writing letters to the baby, including the pictures. When you can see the baby, you can add the 'story' of your seeing him/her full of interesting and telling details, for instance, the pet names the parents use. Continue to write these letters every time you see the child - the child will love to receive them - in my family my grandchildren call them the What We Did letters. After 10 years I had the What We Did Letters for two grandchildren turned into a book, with a copy for each family member. These books are treasured and will, I guess, be looked at with interest by my great grandchildren! You can do something really special which will be appreciated by the parents and the children too.

I empathise with your disappointment, had similar with a daughter-in-law. It's hard when your expectations of being involved aren't required. It took me a while to get my head round it. However...... I wonder whether when this little one is two and having tantrums and mum needs a break you'll find yourself very, exhaustingly, involved, as am I!!!!! (Or will be again...)

Sunflower
I am also extremely close to my Daughter and had similar conversations. I never expected to go to the scans as they are so special for a couple (especially first baby)
Are you sure it's your Daughters wishes or her partners?
100%it was my Daughters partner pulling the strings, doing his best to drive a wedge in between us.
I wasn't allowed at the birth he said, even tho my Daughter desperately wanted me there.
Then I was allowed but only if I "stayed out of the way and didn't annoy him"
How things changed! I spent the last weeks of her pregnancy taking her to hospital most days as she developed issues, I also sat with her the day she was in labour and we were in the the delivery suite before he finally arrived. Shaking like a leaf and terrified!!
He did actually thank me after and say he couldn't have done it without me!
So bide your time and hold your tongue it will all work out OK I hope xx

What wonderful news for you Just go along with it and be glad she feels so confident and has a supportive partner no doubt in time you will be called upon many times and have lots of involvement with your grandchild and you sound like you have a lovely relationship with your daughter

I think you’ve overthought this; you will be wanted and needed once the baby’s here and they realise just how much work is involved. Perhaps after a few days you could volunteer to do their laundry in your home, and return it nicely ironed?
Here’s what happened to a friend of mine’s DS and DiL
First baby: “Please leave us in peace for two weeks. We’re all fine”.
Second baby: “We’ll take all the help we can get”!

Congratulations to you! ?. Enjoy what you can for now, and worry about the bridges when you get to them. Nothing is set in stone.

Congratulations Sunflower. Something to look forward to right now.
Like others, I didn’t involve my parents in scans and appointments nor did my daughters involve me, but I didn’t really expect it.
If you’ve taken a step back, albeit feeling a bit hurt, she’ll probably continue to ring you and you’ll get the news that way.
It sounds as if she was unexpectedly blunt, but if you can try not to let her know she upset you I’m sure you’ll have lots of lovely Grandma moments to come. ??

My daughter did the very same to me. I was totally excluded from everything with exception of being told the baby being a girl. That way I could knit or provide items of the appropriate colour. Baby was born a few days before lockdown. So I continue to be excluded. But that I do understand. They new I would be unhappy about the name which has totally devastated me. They have called her the same name as the woman who wrecked and devastated my marriage. I think they have been really cruel. Nearly everything I have done is thrown back in my face. So despite it only being 5/6 weeks. I let them get on with it. My daughter will phone in a panic over something. Then tell me she doesn’t want my advice. So I’m taking the back seat that she wants. But I know there will be a time when she will come running.

Congratulations, what lovely news!. There comes a time when we do have to step back and think that we have done a good job with our children and they are adults and will do their own thing. It is hard as a parent to accept this sometimes, as with all our maternal instincts we want to help.

Your daughter knows you are there and I'm sure if she needs you she will ask. Take heart in that you have and are doing a great job.

Don't worry. My daughter was just the same. I was terribly upset at the time, and worried that they had some very strange ideas about parenting. Any advice I offered was firmly rejected and I quickly learnt to bite my tongue but I would still say things occasionally on the basis of "how things how changed" and tell her what I did when she was a baby. Now baby number two has arrived it's all very different. They realised it was a struggle on their own with their first child and are very grateful for all the help and advice I can offer.

Congratulations Sunflower wonderful news.
The trouble with expectations is that they can be dashed. I have them too and am often disappointed. I think you are being sensible and appreciate the parents to be want this special time. Don’t let this spoil things for you.
I had no expectations of attending appointments with my daughter, being at the birth etc of my grandchildren or knowing what names they were thinking off so was not disappointed.
You have a good relationship with your daughter, and your grandchild will bring great joy but they, like my daughter and partner, need time and space to take this all in.

Sunflower42

I can understand why you are feeling like you do because of having a close relationship with your daughter. I wouldn't be surprised though that when baby is here it will all change again.

My first baby was born 41 years ago, I really thought everything would happen naturally but it never did and how grateful I was to my wonderful mother in law who helped me. It was my father in law who drove me crazy!!!!(he had been made redundant so came round daily)

Your close relationship with your daughter won't change she is just doing it 'her way' for a while.

Congratultions by the way.

Sunflower 42 you are getting it exactly right. Carry on just as you are and all will be well.

You have come to the right place, of course it is normal to feel a bit pushed out. I’m pretty sure once baby arrives she will want you around more than ever, just be patient and let her come to you. Given all you have said about your relationship. She is probably just wanting to be independent and make sure she has the space to go through this special time with her partner which is how it should be if she so wants. Please don’t let it get you down, it doesn’t mean you're not involved she is just setting some boundaries, its no bad thing that everyone knows where they stand xx

As an afterthought, hubby and I both worked long hours when I was pregnant, i used to go to all my appointments on my own as tbh it was just something that had to be done and squeezed in to my day. My mum always used to comment about it and it never even occurred to me that she might want to come!!

Congratulations! My ex DIL wanted me there for the birth of my 2DGD’s and I was. My DD on the other hand who I get in with really well wouldn’t have me near the hospital with her 2 births and made that very clear! I can understand why it is a very personal experience for the parents.

I'm a first time nanna and I wasn't at any scans or appointments with my daughter and wasn't even told when her labour started. The first I knew she was in hospital. She really didn't want to see anyone after the birth either but I persevered and she let only me come in to the room (it was quite a difficult birth and bless her she had a good cry on my shoulder which I will never forget) and now I have a beautiful granddaughter who I adore

My not being wanted has just arrived. I was incensed when told I was going to be a grandparent. Nobody asked me! I felt unprepared . I want old enough 57. Now my youngest grandchild goes to school in September. All the toys I kept for small children are going.
I have come to realise that being of use in some way is the most important thing in life.

I'm sure you are feeling disappointed but I doubt it even occurred to your daughter to ask you to attend the appointments and scans with her. It's a special time for parents to be.In my experience, I have never heard of grandparents attending appointments and scans. My daughter and son in law kept the names of both their daughters a secret and the rest of the family respected their wishes. You will have plenty of time to bond with your grandchild.

I wasn’t part of the plan to look after my first grandchild but circumstances changes and I have been heavily involved so you never know what will happen in 9 months time ?
Congratulations !