New grandparent

Congratulations Sunflower!

Your experience sounds identical to mine. It’ll be fine.....?

I have four grandchildren all born within 18 months. I never expected to attend scans or the birth. I was very lucky with one of them as my daughter asked me to go along to a scan near the end of the pregnancy as her partner couldn’t attend. I felt very pleased and loved it.
I think my girls didn’t discuss names as too many times when a name is suggested people say ‘ really! Don’t like that’ and it then makes them wonder about their choice. Exactly that happened when I told my MIL the name we intended for a baby girl. We changed the name as she put me off.

When I had my babies there were no such things as scans or antenatal care. Husband was told to go off to work when I had the first and he was working away when I had the second. When my daughter in law had her second I was busy looking after her first and was minding the first two with the third. Grandparents are much more involved these days.

Congratulations! Such good news in this awful time. You do say your DD is having a baby. You have nailed it in one. It is her baby, her life, you are a bystander and you need to respect that. Perhaps as time goes on there may be a little soften towards you as a grandmother but again, you are a bystander to the event unless invited.

Congratulations ? on becoming a grandmother! I totally understand how you feel . Your daughter will probably feeling so excited/relieved/overwhelmed/ bewildered/ amazed she’s not thinking about your feelings. I remember being a Nellie know all /do it my way when I was pregnant but after the birth I was not so sure and was constantly involving my mum! Ringing her with questions like baby’s gone bright red what’s wrong ? Mum would say take her cardigan off. I’m sure she will want you to be there when she needs you.

Congratulations! I think honoring and respecting her boundaries now will bring you huge rewards in the future. Many parents want space for these things now, it's very normal so don't feel singled out. Congratulations also on raising such a strong capable daughter

I was elated when I heard my daughter was pregnant with my first grandchild. She was a single mum to be, but asked her sister to be her birthing partner. With her I decided it was best to make it clear I was there if needed but didn't force it. I did visit in hospital when she got the news he had Down Syndrome. He was a gorgeous baby, but it was 10 days before he was allowed home. By the time he was 3 weeks old my daughter was asking me to babysit. We now have a lovely relationship and I dearly love my now 6 years old GS.

Like Bijou I just got on with it, no scans but just basic care from midwife at home.
My mother was not involved with anything to do with my pregnancies, I don't remember her being particularly interested anyway.
When the GC came along, I showed interest and offered help but was not part of any ante natal care or scans, definitely not our place.

It's ok to feel disappointed, after all you've had a disappointment so it makes sense to feel it. I think they're probably trying to feel like a nuclear family (especially if it's their first and they are trying out all their clever psychological ideas on the situation - they will probably be more laisse faire with any subsequent kids!) Or maybe it's because they don't want HIS parents interfering, and they would make a fuss if you were allowed to be involved and they were not.

I wonder if your daughter has been reading mumsnet or gransnet? If so, the kinds of complaints about interfering mothers and in-laws would be enough to put anyone off. I think she is just warning you to butt out. The most gracious thing to do is to say you get it, but will be there if needed, particularly if she needs a hot meal. She probably hasn't got a clue about how her world is about to be turned upside down.

I think a lot of things will change for your family now as they are creating there own family unit a baby always turns things on it’s head. Of course it’s exciting happy times for you but try and build up your own life so you don’t expect to be involved in everything that there little unit does. Congratulations.

I must admit that it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask my mother to come to any scans or appointments, it really is something for the parents themselves. Names are also very much in this category.
When my DS and DIL were expecting their first baby they did let us know what was happening which was nice, they sent us an electronic copy of the scan and did tell us when they were considering names. I was very glad that we knew the baby's name as my mother died shortly before she was born and knew that her first great grandchild was to be a girl and that her name would be Isabelle. To me this means that she will always be a part of my own granddaughters life. My mother was a lovely woman and very close to her grandchildren and Isabelle sometimes talks about her even though she never knew her.

I always thought I’d be there when my daughter gave birth but they decided against it. I was grateful in the end as it was a long induction and ended in an emergency c section. SiL kept me posted throughout. Very stressful time.
Congratulations and enjoy ?

Firstly congratulations- I'm sure you will be a lovely GM.

TBH I would not have wanted my mum at any scans or apts.
It is a very special time for the 2 of them to bond over new arrival & get used to the idea of being parents.
Same as when my sons had there babies- neither of my DiL's mums went to scans etc.
I did have to go once with DiL as my son was working away for a week & she was nervous about driving in an area she didn't know & her Mum was on holiday. I had no intention of going in with her but she asked me to as she was nervous.
I actually felt a bit wrong being there but it was what she wanted.
Just wait until babe is born & you have all the cuddles & babysitting etc. to look forward to. It's magic!

I'm sorry you feel let down and sad but I am surprised that you thought that you would be included at appointments etc.

Did you take your own mother to clinical appointments & hospital? I didn't and I don't remember seeing others with a mother there.

Your daughter and son-in-law are going to share this wonderfully exciting experience together, please don't try to spoil it for them. The young have to work so hard and for so long these days just to get a home and this will be the last months when it is just "them".

I'm sure you did a brilliant job bringing up your daughter and that she will therefore be a good mother to her own child if you let her.

Sunflower
When I read your post I noticed you said that your dd and sil
were trying for a baby, that sounded to me like they had been trying for a while, when your dd found they had been successful,the joy and relief made them a bit hormonal.They would be so excited they just wanted to stay in their happy bubble
just the two of them.Your sil will want to be there for all the appointments and birth.Until the bubble bursts and they come down to earth just carry on with your daughter as you always have.This lockdown is fortuitous for you both in a way as you can’t do anything and they will have to get on together.
As for scan/birth etc I am astonished you expected to go I have three children I wouldn’t have even thought of my mother to go with me not that we had scans then but neither did I expect to go with my dd or my dil at their time.
Congratulations on becoming a Grannie you will love it and maybe now the mum and dad have got the hang of it lol.They may decide to have more babies.You have a lot to look forward to. I am awaiting the birth of my second great grandchild it’s just as exciting My grandchildren bring us our own pictures of the scans, more sweeties to spoil??

Congratulations! You can look forward to building a lovely relationship with your grandchild. Don't be in a rush, you have many years to do this! Just be someone your daughter can rely but don't even offer advice, they will not appreciate it or need it. Their child, their decisions to make regarding everything. Just enjoy the baby and praise the parents and everything will be fine.

I really feel for you, this generation have no filter. She didn't need to say anything and certainly not the comment re asking for advice. Believe me they think they know it all, but you and I both know they are in for a shock. Parenting is hard and books cant cover it. Sit back and wait and when they ask you for something then you can remind them they said they didnt need you.

Pythagorous
Spot on.Isn't this about the mum and dad to be and what they want?
Back off and not take it personally if it doesn't include grandparents.

Just an after thought when my youngest dd had her first baby my sil
said to me that we had to obey his rules and not interfere not that we had any intention of doing.
His instructions were the baby was his baby and he would be the one chastising the child if he was naughty I was not to I asked if he felt we could help in any way as shouting at our precious first GS hadn’t entered our heads as we never ‘shouted’ at our own DC, his reply given with a very straight face was my job was to spoil my GS lol
That DGS is now 31 with his own DD and still comes to me for spoiling and I love it
My DD divorced her controlling husband when my DGS was three as his method of marriage and children was not hers.

pollyanna1962
So true.
Do they have to spell it out indeed!
My friend who is over 70 had a tearful phone call from a niece recently looking for advice on breastfeeding.
My df was once a bf counsellor. She was happy to help.

I had a very interfering mother , who I let into my life too much! My husband was a saint.
I wish I had told her to back off.
I have 3 daughters, 4 grandchildren.
I certainly give my girls my opinion & advice , even when not asked . I am the matriarch & expect respect. BUT I certainly know when to step back, never interfere in their marriage or expect to be included , it’s their journey & if they love you they will want you along for the ride.

I too am going to be a first time granny later this year and as the mother of the dad I always assumed that when they had children my DiL's mum might be more involved than me. Having had a MiL who did not always respect boundaries I have always been very careful not to interfere so I was delighted that when they told me the news they accompanied it with 'It's great that you'll have retired by then so you'll be able to come and help.' The other granny will still be working so will be less available, so that is good for me, but I am still aware I need to keep appropriate distance. Advice available but only if requested, as with help. Being in lockdown has cast all sorts of uncertainty over things so I am trying to take everything one step at a time and not make any assumptions. When DS and DiL got married I told them that I'd learned a lot from my MiL about how NOT to be a MiL and hoped that my DiL would benefit from that. Becoming a granny is simply an extension of that. It is their life, their child and I will be grateful for every involvement I have, but never make demands. My MiL didn't get that at all! As for involvement with scans etc I never expected any of that anyway. We live a long distance apart so getting a copy of a scan via whatsapp is a fantastic bonus!
Enjoy your grandchild when it arrives but let them lead the way in everything. In the end it should pay dividends for all your relationships.

I wouldn't have expected my mother to join me for appointments ,it was different times then.
My daughter when pregnant and after ,was generous and expected a lot of help . But it’s fragile . The help can’t tip into interference . I tend to mainly listen and give advice when asked . My main point is that you will be called on . Oh yes you will !! You can google as much as you like but when it comes down to it mum will be there for the hard bits .
Enjoy the experience and don’t worry .

This is a new trend and I don't like it. I stay as far away from them as they wish it because that's how they like it while I'd feel a wall's been constructed between them and myself. I find it damaging emotionally and hurtful, and I find them as if they've got some control issue problem. I didn't do any such thing with my 3 kids as I don't remember anyone having done so all those decades ago. There's a difference between interfering Grandparents and the non interfering ones who'd expect and need to be included; this is just natural and healthy. I happily included anyone from the second category with my kids all those years ago and I'm so glad that I let them share my happiness, excitement and my problems too. Yes, there were times that I felt they stepped out of the line but I was able to distinguish between the intentions of one from the other and politely dealt with them without hurting them. Now a days that some wish to go it alone with their kids, I let them but I won't feel close to them. If and when they change their attitudes, I'll revise my way with them. They can decide for themselves and so can I. We are all different, aren't we. We can only do our best.