New grandparent

Congratulations
I know how you feel.
My daughter has adopted two lovely children but her & her husband are so capable I did feel redundant until I had an epiphany.
I spent 30 years raising a beautiful clever independent woman so why am I wishing her to suddenly be dependant on me?
It may sound ridiculous but by working on turning the negative thoughts into feelings of pride has really helped me

Ps she still rings me for advice x x

I think that everyone has covered the subject well. They are excited, and want to keep their baby to themselves for now. It’s only natural. Once the novelty of the pregnancy wears off they will probably do more sharing with you, show you the scans etc.
With my previous GC I have just told them to let me know if they want anything, and stood back. I never offered advice, unless asked, and then just said that we used to do it that way, but times have changed. They could then decide whether to listen, or not.
My next GS is due mid-May, and I should be sitting in the plane, right now, on the way to Perth, Australia, where my DS and DIL live. I always planned to take a back seat. This is their first baby, and first GC for the in-laws, who are very excited, of course. Now I will have to be content with even more of a back seat, internet chat and photos. They are keeping the name secret, too. They said that they may just change their minds, and they don’t want any comments about their choice, and I agree. I wasn’t too keen on any of the names chosen for my other GC, but just smiled and said, “That’s a good choice.” though I’m glad that they didn’t choose Pebbles”, which the GC of a friend was named. She DID make her feelings known, but got used to it eventually, and loves ‘Pebbs’ dearly.
Just go with the flow, and I’m sure that you will get plenty of involvement with the little one, if you show them that you’re not going to be a pushy Grandma.

My sons partner is pregnant and at the moment he is not allowed into scans because of the virus. I don’t know if her mum would have gone in different circumstances but I rather doubt it. This is their time.
When my d in law was pregnant only her and son went to appointment. Both these girls are very close to their mums. My sons partner is sad that she can’t go shopping for baby stuff with her mum. I’m not her mum so am expecting to take a back seat as I had to with d in l.

When my son was born my OH phoned my Mother to tell her the news then he phoned his own parents.
He then proceeded to phone the rest of our family and close friends but my Mother had got there first! She had phoned absolutely everybody in her phone book so my poor OH didn't have the joy of passing on our news.
He was very upset but I was furious - how could she do that?
When my second child was born we made sure it didn't happen again, she was the last to be told!

Take care. That's all I want to say.

Congratulations Sunflower42 on your lovely news. To be honest, although I am very close to my daughters, I would never have thought about attending any appointments or scans with them when they were pregnant. To me that is for the happy couple and no one else. As for name choosing my otherwise lovely Mum was so awful when we mentioned possible names ( like we were thinking of calling the baby Todd if it's a boy was met with well he will always be called Sweeney. Tiffany if it's a girl and the reply was she will always be shortened to Tiffy) that I never mentioned names to any of my children. Their baby their choice. Maybe your daughter has mentioned it all straightaway to avoid any possible problems. Just look forward to the happy event and all will be well.

Congratulations, but like Pheonix it wouldn't occur to me to go to scans, and surely at this distancing time it would be dangerous to do so anyway.

Congratulations Sunflower! A new grandbaby will be lovely for you. It sounds to me that you’re sensible enough to stay in the background until needed and your DD and her husband will be fine parents.
My DDIL & DS are expecting their first baby and I just wanted to warn you that depending on the hospital your DD may not be able to have ANYONE else present for the scan. My DDIL had her first scan last week and was told in advance that due to their new COVID safety rules dads were not allowed to attend. Very disappointing for DS but at least we have the photos and all seems well.

That’s a point - my hospital only allowed one person to accompany me to appointments.

Congratulations! When expecting my first child I was certain that I knew all I needed, and that DM and MiL were 'old fashioned' in their ideas. (They were both in their forties!) Reality was very different; having read all the books I discovered that 'bath baby, feed baby, put baby down to sleep' didn't work; 'baby' hadn't read the book and life was merry hell until DM stepped in and gave some gentle advice. If your DD is an amazingly competent mother then that will be lovely for you both and you can relax and be Nanna - what a joy! - but if she is like most of the rest of us I'm sure your advice will be welcomed at the right time.

I am sure your daughter will ask for help when the time is tight. Why would you want to attend appointments? Are they not for the parents to be. Mine told me what the names might be and then changed it anyway just before the birth, and announced it after.

Sunflower42. Firstly congratulations! Exciting times ahead for your family.
You're daughter was very upfront with her wishes, I too would have been taken aback. The best thing to do is just say you'll be there whenever she needs you and leave it at that.
I'm sure you'll be included in some ways but let her initiate any discussions.
Please don't let it dampen your joy

I think it is really good your dd tells you now how she and sil envision things to go, so you have time to adjust.
Imagine they dont tell your assumptions are incorrect till the very end of the pregnancy or the first scan.
You would more crushed than you are now.

Remember that just because you may have done things your way, it doesnt mean your dd can choose a different path . She is not you.

Scans these days are considered medical appointments to detect anomalies and follow up on progress, not just taking a glimpse at the baby.

I would also start curving your expectations when the baby is here. I would ask myself if your expectations are aligned to how dd and sil see your role as grandmother.

Sunflower42 - sorry you feel this disappointment - but it's the result of your expectations and not your daughter's decision. It's not usual for a mother to accompany her pregnant daughter to hospital appointments and scans. Yes maybe some mothers do that, but it's not usual and as your daughter has a partner and they have been trying to become parents for a while, this has to be their journey and they probably have been talking about this and creating their expectations for a long time. You need to take a back seat and say you'll be there whenever they want you, and when they make decisions about birthing plans and names etc., you should praise them for these. You don't have to keep quiet but make sure that you say what you know they'll want to hear. I'm sure it will all work out OK for you.

I don’t think she’s being unreasonable at all! When I was expecting our daughter, I would never have expected my Mum to go to the scans. It never entered either of our heads! Neither of us expected her to be at the birth either, we did now I was going to have an elective Caesarian though and she certainly wouldn’t have expected to be there for that. She came to visit me in hospital the next day. I think all this is really just for the parents and I can’t understand it when I see several people in the delivery room on TV.

Congrats on becoming a nanny, I feel sorry for you not being involved, if there had been scans in my day I think I would have liked my mom to be there , and must admit my mom helped me loads during my pregnancy and after , young ones today think they now it all, it saddens me, to many books to read by people whom half the time don’t even have children ❤️❤️❤️

Oh, surely they didn't put it like that! I don't have a daughter (always a sadness as my sister and I were so close to our mother, much closer than my brother and I would have liked that too.) Could it be your son in law is jealous of your relationship with your daughter? Maybe feels a bit threatened? He's probably feeling threatened already as, from being number one with your daughter, he's now got to share her with the baby. It's hard to believe, but men are fragile creatures and any change in the norm throws them off course! As far as scans etc. I wouldn't expect to be involved in all that. That's for husbands or, maybe best friends. I'm willing to bet once the baby is born you'll become one of the most wanted people on the planet! Meanwhile, head down; there for sympathy and advice on their terms and wait for all the lovely things in store for you.

Congratulations!
Just to say I didn't go to any appointments or scans with my daughter. That was for her husband. And she didn't tell anyone the babies names until they were born although we did know the sex and saw photos of scans etc. I think not knowing the name was good. Their thinking was they didn't want people commenting on their chosen names. People are less likely to do this once the baby is born.
I am sure once the baby is here, you will be able to enjoy him or her and your daughter will ask you for advice if she needs it.

Congratulations to your Daughter and you on her pregnancy. If you want to know why your daughter is acting like this, just have a look on Mumsnet and you will see that this is a trend with parents of today. I am not saying it is right or wrong, just a way of thinking that didn't appear to be around in our day.
As a Grandmother of 9 children, I can honestly say that the initial plans of what the parents of the Grandchild were going to do changed from, "It's our baby, we're not telling anybody anything, you can't see the baby when it's born for the first 5 days," all changed as time went on and for each pregnancy. As that old adage goes, there's many a slip between cup and lip. I've found that just accepting what the parents say with a sage, "Well I will leave you to let me know what you want," made it very easy for them to quietly change their minds when the going got tough.
Please don't get upset about the people on here who ask you to examine your relationships. They don't know you and we often see people who are feeling very self righteous but need to examine their role in their troubles. You've answered their concerns and that should be the end of it so you can concentrate on very sensibly adjusting your expectations for the time being and wait on having a cuddle with that new baby.

Congratulations. I would never have expected my girls to have me there for scans. I actually don't know any mothers who have been at the scans of their grandchildren. It is their baby.. they have their own ideas about how they want to do things. Don't worry about it...I think you expect too much. Enjoy visiting when the time comes and do not say how you would do things. It is their baby...not yours

This is a new trend and I don't like it. I stay as far away from them as they wish it because that's how they like it while I'd feel a wall's been constructed between them and myself. I find it damaging emotionally and hurtful, and I find them as if they've got some control issue problem. I didn't do any such thing with my 3 kids as I don't remember anyone having done so all those decades ago. There's a difference between interfering Grandparents and the non interfering ones who'd expect and need to be included; this is just natural and healthy. I happily included anyone from the second category with my kids all those years ago and I'm so glad that I let them share my happiness, excitement and my problems too. Yes, there were times that I felt they stepped out of the line but I was able to distinguish between the intentions of one from the other and politely dealt with them without hurting them. Now a days that some wish to go it alone with their kids, I let them but I won't feel close to them. If and when they change their attitudes, I'll revise my way with them. They can decide for themselves and so can I. We are all different, aren't we. We can only do our best.

I wouldn't have expected my mother to join me for appointments ,it was different times then.
My daughter when pregnant and after ,was generous and expected a lot of help . But it’s fragile . The help can’t tip into interference . I tend to mainly listen and give advice when asked . My main point is that you will be called on . Oh yes you will !! You can google as much as you like but when it comes down to it mum will be there for the hard bits .
Enjoy the experience and don’t worry .

I too am going to be a first time granny later this year and as the mother of the dad I always assumed that when they had children my DiL's mum might be more involved than me. Having had a MiL who did not always respect boundaries I have always been very careful not to interfere so I was delighted that when they told me the news they accompanied it with 'It's great that you'll have retired by then so you'll be able to come and help.' The other granny will still be working so will be less available, so that is good for me, but I am still aware I need to keep appropriate distance. Advice available but only if requested, as with help. Being in lockdown has cast all sorts of uncertainty over things so I am trying to take everything one step at a time and not make any assumptions. When DS and DiL got married I told them that I'd learned a lot from my MiL about how NOT to be a MiL and hoped that my DiL would benefit from that. Becoming a granny is simply an extension of that. It is their life, their child and I will be grateful for every involvement I have, but never make demands. My MiL didn't get that at all! As for involvement with scans etc I never expected any of that anyway. We live a long distance apart so getting a copy of a scan via whatsapp is a fantastic bonus!
Enjoy your grandchild when it arrives but let them lead the way in everything. In the end it should pay dividends for all your relationships.

I had a very interfering mother , who I let into my life too much! My husband was a saint.
I wish I had told her to back off.
I have 3 daughters, 4 grandchildren.
I certainly give my girls my opinion & advice , even when not asked . I am the matriarch & expect respect. BUT I certainly know when to step back, never interfere in their marriage or expect to be included , it’s their journey & if they love you they will want you along for the ride.

pollyanna1962
So true.
Do they have to spell it out indeed!
My friend who is over 70 had a tearful phone call from a niece recently looking for advice on breastfeeding.
My df was once a bf counsellor. She was happy to help.