New grandparent

As an afterthought, hubby and I both worked long hours when I was pregnant, i used to go to all my appointments on my own as tbh it was just something that had to be done and squeezed in to my day. My mum always used to comment about it and it never even occurred to me that she might want to come!!

You have come to the right place, of course it is normal to feel a bit pushed out. I’m pretty sure once baby arrives she will want you around more than ever, just be patient and let her come to you. Given all you have said about your relationship. She is probably just wanting to be independent and make sure she has the space to go through this special time with her partner which is how it should be if she so wants. Please don’t let it get you down, it doesn’t mean you're not involved she is just setting some boundaries, its no bad thing that everyone knows where they stand xx

Sunflower 42 you are getting it exactly right. Carry on just as you are and all will be well.

Sunflower42

I can understand why you are feeling like you do because of having a close relationship with your daughter. I wouldn't be surprised though that when baby is here it will all change again.

My first baby was born 41 years ago, I really thought everything would happen naturally but it never did and how grateful I was to my wonderful mother in law who helped me. It was my father in law who drove me crazy!!!!(he had been made redundant so came round daily)

Your close relationship with your daughter won't change she is just doing it 'her way' for a while.

Congratultions by the way.

Congratulations Sunflower wonderful news.
The trouble with expectations is that they can be dashed. I have them too and am often disappointed. I think you are being sensible and appreciate the parents to be want this special time. Don’t let this spoil things for you.
I had no expectations of attending appointments with my daughter, being at the birth etc of my grandchildren or knowing what names they were thinking off so was not disappointed.
You have a good relationship with your daughter, and your grandchild will bring great joy but they, like my daughter and partner, need time and space to take this all in.

Don't worry. My daughter was just the same. I was terribly upset at the time, and worried that they had some very strange ideas about parenting. Any advice I offered was firmly rejected and I quickly learnt to bite my tongue but I would still say things occasionally on the basis of "how things how changed" and tell her what I did when she was a baby. Now baby number two has arrived it's all very different. They realised it was a struggle on their own with their first child and are very grateful for all the help and advice I can offer.

Congratulations, what lovely news!. There comes a time when we do have to step back and think that we have done a good job with our children and they are adults and will do their own thing. It is hard as a parent to accept this sometimes, as with all our maternal instincts we want to help.

Your daughter knows you are there and I'm sure if she needs you she will ask. Take heart in that you have and are doing a great job.

My daughter did the very same to me. I was totally excluded from everything with exception of being told the baby being a girl. That way I could knit or provide items of the appropriate colour. Baby was born a few days before lockdown. So I continue to be excluded. But that I do understand. They new I would be unhappy about the name which has totally devastated me. They have called her the same name as the woman who wrecked and devastated my marriage. I think they have been really cruel. Nearly everything I have done is thrown back in my face. So despite it only being 5/6 weeks. I let them get on with it. My daughter will phone in a panic over something. Then tell me she doesn’t want my advice. So I’m taking the back seat that she wants. But I know there will be a time when she will come running.

Congratulations Sunflower. Something to look forward to right now.
Like others, I didn’t involve my parents in scans and appointments nor did my daughters involve me, but I didn’t really expect it.
If you’ve taken a step back, albeit feeling a bit hurt, she’ll probably continue to ring you and you’ll get the news that way.
It sounds as if she was unexpectedly blunt, but if you can try not to let her know she upset you I’m sure you’ll have lots of lovely Grandma moments to come. ??

Congratulations to you! ?. Enjoy what you can for now, and worry about the bridges when you get to them. Nothing is set in stone.

I think you’ve overthought this; you will be wanted and needed once the baby’s here and they realise just how much work is involved. Perhaps after a few days you could volunteer to do their laundry in your home, and return it nicely ironed?
Here’s what happened to a friend of mine’s DS and DiL
First baby: “Please leave us in peace for two weeks. We’re all fine”.
Second baby: “We’ll take all the help we can get”!

What wonderful news for you Just go along with it and be glad she feels so confident and has a supportive partner no doubt in time you will be called upon many times and have lots of involvement with your grandchild and you sound like you have a lovely relationship with your daughter

Sunflower
I am also extremely close to my Daughter and had similar conversations. I never expected to go to the scans as they are so special for a couple (especially first baby)
Are you sure it's your Daughters wishes or her partners?
100%it was my Daughters partner pulling the strings, doing his best to drive a wedge in between us.
I wasn't allowed at the birth he said, even tho my Daughter desperately wanted me there.
Then I was allowed but only if I "stayed out of the way and didn't annoy him"
How things changed! I spent the last weeks of her pregnancy taking her to hospital most days as she developed issues, I also sat with her the day she was in labour and we were in the the delivery suite before he finally arrived. Shaking like a leaf and terrified!!
He did actually thank me after and say he couldn't have done it without me!
So bide your time and hold your tongue it will all work out OK I hope xx

I empathise with your disappointment, had similar with a daughter-in-law. It's hard when your expectations of being involved aren't required. It took me a while to get my head round it. However...... I wonder whether when this little one is two and having tantrums and mum needs a break you'll find yourself very, exhaustingly, involved, as am I!!!!! (Or will be again...)

Congratulations ! The coming grandchild is wonderful news and I am sure you will be a lovely grandmother and get huge joy from this new member of your family. I won't add to the wise words others have written BUT suggest you could focus on doing something very special for the child and the parents - I've written about this before, but it really is a great idea which has lots of unique meaning for the family. So, when you get the first baby photos you can start writing letters to the baby, including the pictures. When you can see the baby, you can add the 'story' of your seeing him/her full of interesting and telling details, for instance, the pet names the parents use. Continue to write these letters every time you see the child - the child will love to receive them - in my family my grandchildren call them the What We Did letters. After 10 years I had the What We Did Letters for two grandchildren turned into a book, with a copy for each family member. These books are treasured and will, I guess, be looked at with interest by my great grandchildren! You can do something really special which will be appreciated by the parents and the children too.

Lovely news Sunflower!

Just enjoy the baby when he/she arrives.

As for going to scans and names, don't be fretting

I didn't tell my mother about names and I'd certainly not have wanted her to come to scans and appointments which seems to be the consensus of opinion here

Years of happy grandparenting await!

I think it has to be remembered that your daughter and her partner are having this baby; it is not you and your daughter having it.
If either of my adult daughters asked me to go I would but only after asking sons in law if they were happy about it. It’s their baby after all.
Time to back off a bit perhaps.

Congratulations sunflower42. Great news!. Don't be offended about all the things you may have felt you would be part of. It's very typical of new to be parents I would say so try and accept your DD's feelings. Accept it in a most gracious way and just support your DD throughout her pregnancy, I'm sure you will anyway. It's lovely news.

Sunflower Congratulations, I understand your disappointment but it is understandable of your daughter to want her partner over you - it’s their baby after all. I have a super relationship with my daughter but during her pregnancy I wasn’t invited to attend scans or the birth. But I was shown pictures of the scans and I was the first person to meet my gorgeous grandson after his mum and dad, and it was me she turned to after for support and advice. The best piece of advice I can give is don’t give advice unless it’s asked for and be there to support all the way. Wishing you every happiness as your family grows ?

I love my grandchildren but was most surprised to be invited to the scan for No1 - wasn’t for No2 and didn’t see it as an issue. I feel it’s a matter for the parents to decide.
I try to make sure I am around if needed both physically (pre Covid) and for advice - but only if asked for

Sounds normal to me. Congratulate yourself on having raised an independent capable daughter which is what we should aspire to! The umbilical cord should be cut!
I am always amazed when a grown woman with a husband/ partner needs her mother at the birth! She is going to be a mother herself for goodness sake!
Hard on the husbands / partners when the ma in law won’t back off and let them live their lives. Don’t worry. I backed off when appropriate and my son 48, and his partner welcome me with open arms especially when I drop of home cooked food to help out during this virus episode. What goes around comes around. But just give them chance to live their life and work things out for themselves, they will be back!

Congrats ! How exciting for you.
I think it is right that they bond over the scans etc and names are very personal and open to much opinion so I encouraged my daughter through both pregnancies to keep ideas to themselves .
But like you I am close to my daughter and she did begin to test ideas past me and make enquiries about familiar names and I was careful to be even handed and answer her questions with pragmatism.

There are many other ways to enjoy the pregnancy - little gifts of body cream choc and flowers went down well. Those lovely shopping trips but take care to home in on the style they like.
Once the baby arrives - yes there is so much info out there but nothing replaces a cuppa with mum and a cuddle for them both or a text rant when the baby isn’t predictable according to the sleep app !!
She will still be your lovely daughter and 3 years on my daughter and I are close than ever and there is nothing like this quarantine to make them realise how much us granny’s do.

Relax —- enjoy seeing the scan pictures and all will be well .

Please respect their wishes as they make their new family. When the baby is a few weeks old I am sure they will be asking for your help and advice; just make sure to wait until you are asked. I took a back seat with my DIL but have been involved with DGD far more than I thought and love it! Miss her during this lockdown.

Congratulations!

Sorry you feel pushed aside, but hang on a minute. If your daughter took you with her to the scans, etc. what about her mother-in-law, or whoever is closest to her on that side of her family?

This way, even if some of you feel left out, at least you are not having to swallow someone else being included instead of you.

I frankly would never have wanted either to take my mother or mother-in-law with me to a hospital appointment of any kind, or expected my daughter-in-law to invite me, but that's just me.

You are tackling this the right way, so left off all the steam you need to here.

Lovely news!
I am not surprised that your DD doesn't want you at appointments and give info on the names etc.
There is close, and close - you have obviously brought your daughter up to be a strong independent woman which is brilliant but there are some things that should only be between husband and wife and the whole process of pregnancy and birth, imo is one of them.
Just sit back and enjoy the prospect of being a gran. No reason that you can't continue to spend time with DD once allowed to, but just let her and her OH have this special time together. If they need you, they will no doubt ask.