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I lost both parents suddenly and have no grandparents, where can i go for advice and support

(19 Posts)
lostbutyoungatheart Wed 22-Jul-20 21:30:57

I lost my father in 2016 and my mother 2017. I have 3 children who dont even remember my parents. I have had 3 operations after their passings due to birth complications. I am trying to be a good mum, i am trying to work out how to grieve, i am trying to be as healthy as i can but i miss my parents so much and feel lost. i dont feel strong connections to aunties or uncles, due to poor health my relationships with friends faded. I have no grandparents. I actually googled how to adopt a mum as im only 36. I feel so wronged. I just want to be able to go for a coffee with my mum, go to see a movie. Just anything. I miss not having a parental figure in my life. It just feels very lonely and i feel so lost.

SueDonim Wed 22-Jul-20 21:39:16

That’s very sad, Lostbutyoungatheart. Do you have in-laws or siblings? Maybe you could see a counsellor, who might be able to help you through this difficult time. flowers

Starblaze Wed 22-Jul-20 21:41:19

I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. I don't have much family for very different reasons but I found friends in the same boat. We mother each other. Its possible to choose yourself a family

MissAdventure Wed 22-Jul-20 21:43:21

It's not the same as having someone to turn to, so I totally understand where you're coming from.

All the counselling in the world can't make up for the lack of somebody to share things with.

lostbutyoungatheart Wed 22-Jul-20 22:11:03

@ SueDonim, my inlaws are very different from what my parents were like. When we lived with the inlaws, my mother in-law turned nasty and i had to move into my parents house for a short period of time before we finally bought property. My mother in law also likes to tell my how to raise my children or point out when i am not doing things right. I brush it off or it would drive me insane. However, my inlaws recently seperated and i just dont feel i can be me with them. When my parents died, things didnt go well with my siblings. The nature of my mothers passing made my sister very aggresive and angry. My sister and i have never held a close relationship either so it was easy to just take a stand back. It was always her way or no way. My brother does as he is told by my sister and his wife so i just dont feel i can speak to him either. As an adult i find it hard to make friends.....everyone has such busy lives with their own families or groups of friends. I spoke to my g.p about talking to a councillor. They told me to call cruse berevement or speak to family? Cruse bereavement tends to deal with just grief over a death. i am grieving two deaths, loss of relationships with friends, huge body changes due to health and chronic pain.....its like a crazy rollercoaster that doesnt seem to stop. You just have to keep going?

newnanny Wed 22-Jul-20 22:26:01

That is sad to hear. Do you have any siblings who would be feeling the same as you? As you have been ill you would have needed your parents gor support. Do you have any close friends? life is not always fair. Get some counselling and try to make a couple of friends you can share with.

Luckygirl Wed 22-Jul-20 22:27:50

I am sure that Cruse counsellors would be happy to help you. They understand about loss, not just bereavement from a death.

You have been through so very much and it is very hard to grieve for your parents when you are up to your eyes in looking after children. But those dear children represent the continuation of life and the passing forward of traits and ideas to a new generation. Your parents are part of who you are and that does not change - and you are part of your children - it all carries on as part of life's cycle.

I know it is hard, so please seek help from Cruse - there will be local help available.

Take care.

phoenix Wed 22-Jul-20 22:34:49

I appreciate that it's hard, lostbutyoungatheart but sadly there comes a time when we become the "grown ups", there are no family members "above" us to ask for advice.

Twas ever thus.

But if you're struggling then there are agencies that can help, as others have suggested.

Sending every good wish to you.

Curlywhirly Wed 22-Jul-20 22:40:32

Could you not ressurect one if your past friendships? I never had a dad (well, not one living with me) and my Mum died when my children were small. Once our Mum died, me and my siblings drifted apart. I did however (still do) have lots of friends and 6 particularly close friends. Those close friends are like family; we all support each other and we look on each other as sisters. Is there a past friend that you had a close connection to? It is easy to lose touch and it takes time and effort to keep a friendship going. Try to contact one of your friends, they may be really pleased that you made the effort.

SueDonim Wed 22-Jul-20 23:20:55

I wasn’t suggesting a counsellor as a friend, Misadventure more that it might help the OP to think the entire situation through and decide how to deal with it all.

Lostbutyoungatheart why not contact Cruse? They may not have all the answers but it would be a start to finding your way through. flowers

cornergran Wed 22-Jul-20 23:26:09

You’ve has a sad time lostbutyoungatheart, losing a parent can be hard, losing two doubly so. Becoming an orphan takes some adjusting to, no matter our age. Of course you want to be able to go for coffee with your Mum, mine died 30 years ago but I have the same thought from time, it passes as it has to. I see a lot of her in one of our sons, my husband says he sees her in me. No matter your children don’t remember their grandparents, tell them stories, show them pictures, be the link between your parents and your children. There is a lot of good advice in the thread. Why not try to resurrect at least one of the lost friendships? Cruse counsellors work with all and any loss and understand multiple loss so please do try your local branch. I am sorry you’re so unhappy, talk to us here if it helps and please do let us know how you are doing. I wish you well.

Evie64 Wed 22-Jul-20 23:32:31

That's really sad, but I really strongly advise you to see your GP and ask or a referral to a counsellor. It will help and you can move on and feel happier and more settled with your life as it is. We all lose our parents, all of us, and it hurts terribly, but you have to carry on and live your life. We all do.

allsortsofbags Wed 22-Jul-20 23:37:22

It's brave of you to reach out and I do hope you put the work in to find the help you need.

Whatever our age I don't think we are ever ready to lose our parents.

It is never easy being without parental support but you are already parenting your children and that's something to be proud of.

You were in your 30's when your parents died, it's young but you at least had sometime with them as an adult. Hold on to that.

I know a lady who lost her mum when she was 11 and her dad when she was 16. She had 2 boys in her 20's, was in a bad accident before the youngest started school and is now a gran.

It can be done. She found help in different places at different times in her life, find your help.

Give Cruse a call, you'd be surprised just how many different grieving experiences they understand.

And if you want to understand your situation as an Adult Orphan then get on the web. In the meantime start thinking of how you can raise your self esteem, start reading, find ways to look after yourself "As If" you were your own parent.

While it can be a tough and lonely place to be with 3 children, health factors and grief there are agencies out there if you are willing to go find them.

Have you thought about looking at Homestart or an agency that offers family support that would in other circumstances would be provided by family. If there is such an organisation near you their volunteers offer different types of support.

Also have you thought about volunteering ? There are lonely older people who would love to have someone phone them, meet for coffee/tea or be asked to be surrogate grandparents.

Don't just look for what you want look also for what you could give.

There are no magic fairies with pink wands but there are agencies out there.

With self help, learning and effort you can improve your situation.

You've taken a big step by acknowledging your loss, your aloneness and your need for others in your life.

I hope you keep going and find a way to get your life closer to how you want it to be. I wish you good luck because we all need a bit of good luck.

But most importantly I would encourage You to Take Care of Yourself through your tough times.

Hetty58 Wed 22-Jul-20 23:58:56

lostbutyoungatheart, you say that your relationships with friends 'faded' so now is the time to get some new ones. Rather than focus on the past, what you've lost and what you miss, concentrate on all the available opportunities at present.

You don't mention work or volunteering, interests or hobbies. Find something to do and make the effort, get stuck in, any group activity will do, then make friends.

mumofmadboys Thu 23-Jul-20 00:01:27

Do you have a partner/ husband who you can talk things through with?

lostbutyoungatheart Thu 23-Jul-20 13:32:34

Thank you all for your messages. I do have an amazing husband who tries to listen but he doesnt know what to say to me. I will contact cruse today and see how to best go forward. I have also looked into joining an online book club to try make friends too. It's hard finding time for me when my three children are all under 7 but i think i will need to make time in order to help myself. Thank you all for your time and advice. It has been greatly appreciated smilethanks

Guineagirl Thu 23-Jul-20 16:15:10

Nothing to add really as I don’t want to deflect from you and how you are feeling, sad to read.

I miss my mine, my Dad died when I was 24 and Mam 2016.

It’s the things we do and achievements and changes in our life not having them to share it with. Plus having parents makes us part of something and definately mad me feel younger as we are children of them.


Oopsadaisy3 Thu 23-Jul-20 16:37:52

I’m so sorry, and nothing that I can say can help you to feel better.
You say that your children don’t remember your parents? could you make a scrapbook/picture album to look through with them?

Favourite photos of you with your family and parents, stories of things you all did together when your children were small. Talk about your parents with them, It might help you to talk about them.
As someone has said you are now the ‘grown up’ It’s time to make fresh memories with your children, but looking back with them using the photos and stories, to happy times when you were young.

grandtanteJE65 Tue 25-Aug-20 12:44:29

Are there any suppport groups for people with health issues like yours? That would be a place to start.

It sounds to me as if you need adult company - either your own age group or older.

Finding it is a little hard right now, due to the virus, but see if you can find a good friend online.

It takes time to grieve, give it time. Later you may be able to mend fences with your sister and brother, but don't try to do so before you have all had time to grieve.