My husband left me and now the house is a tip

I would start by asking yourself ‘how do I want to live?’ Some people like an uncluttered home, some like it quite full of cosy furniture and fittings others love to be surrounded by all their possessions and can’t bear to part with anything from the past.
Once you know how you want to live then you have to decide how you get there.
Can you do it alone? Or do you need help? If so, who?
What is your approach going to be? One cupboard at a time? One room at a time?
Will you be able to recycle or will you need a skip?
Good luck!

When I have a job I hate, I put my kitchen timer on. Thirty minutes every day for a week is a start.

Goodness M0nica, that first link took ages to read it all.ill save other for later.And Unigran4, yes tackle a bit at a time, if you feel able,do a bit more each time.Good luck.?

that's an interesting thought. I have two friends whose husbands abandoned them with young children and both their houses are incomprehensibly untidy. I hadn't thought of the link before. This too happened to them in the '70's and one of them still has the filing cabinets of stuff of her ex husband even though he went on married and had another family ...the other keeps strict control of the garden but totally neglects the house. Both have successful grown-up children. I think it is PTSD. and you will deal with it in your own time...probably starting with this recognition Well done by the way on how well you have coped on all the more important levels.

Have you thought about doing some car boot sales once it is allowed? Try gradually sorting into boxes or storage bags and label as you go along. Recycle anything you think is not saleable. I have had several charity collection bags through the door recently and put out several large bags every time. They can sell low quality clothing for rags so I am not too choosy about what I give them. I am a car booter myself and can't wait to get out there again! My garage is full but my house is reasonably tidy! Who knows you might get hooked like me!

You did a great job raising your children and now it’s your turn to care for yourself. Start small ; baby steps make one room a place you can relax and then move on to the next slowly. You will get there. Good luck. X

I turned out all my unfinished hobbies that were over 20 years old when we moved. I knew I would never finish them so sold most on eBay for a few pounds. Binned broken knitting machine, odd bits of paint etc. Unfinished tapestries, rug kits, material and balls of wool all sold. Kept knitting needles, crochet hooks and sewing machine just in case I wanted to make anything again. Decided it would be a new start for our new house.
Tackle one drawer or cupboard at a time. Just do say half an hour a couple of times a week. Write a plan of areas that need doing and tick it off when it's done like a to do list.

I agree that medical help might be needed, only you will know. If not, can you afford a cleaner perhaps once a week? If you explain the problem an agency will send someone up to the task who can help you. A cleaner will do any non-lifting, cleaning task you want them to in the time allowed. Set a particular task each time and you can help if you want, or tidy that area before they come, as they can only clean, not tidy. Or while they are there doing 'regular' housekeeping - cleaning bathrooms, kitchen etc - you set yourself the task of decluttering one area each time. Over a year you will see a big improvement and a cleaner coming is such an incentive for clearing out and staying tidy. Cleaners are allowed in lockdown too I think.

Thank you to Moggie 57 for saying The British Heart foundation will take parcels of certain items. I'm starting with Shoes and the collection point is nearby which I dint know. Thank you for motivating me

I completely empathise, OP. In my case it’s been seven years, and although I don’t want him back his shirts are still in the wardrobe, and his other clothes are still in the chest of drawers. I make lists. I know what I have to do, but every time I decide to stand up and take action my stomach churns and I start to tremble. I’m safe in/on my bed or sitting in my rocking chair downstairs, safe in the garden, too, but this home I love desperately needs me to take the action other contributors have suggested. Where is the spirit I used to have, the spirit everybody else thinks I still have? Maybe we should form a club, we could call ourselves Functioning Messoholics, only then we’d escape the reality by going to meetings?? My sincerest sympathies. Good luck.

This was me (ish) very stressful job house a tip. You have taken your first step , well done you ? Start small so you get easy wins , de clutter a cupboard or a drawer . Write a list of what bothers you most , take a before and after pic . You can do this x Are you on Facebook ? Join positive vibes and supportive groups , believe me , you are not on your own ?

There is some very good advice on the thread thread already, all very sensible and practical but it's often the getting started that's hard - especially alone.

One of the fears is often that picking through old things will dredge up old and painful memories - and it often does, it's a very cathartic process and ultimately one that is very therapeutic so I think it's important to do these things with support, either physical if needed or a the very least with someone you can talk to about it.

That person needs to be someone who isn't going to judge you for how things got the way they did - they just did, and now you want to fix it and that's all that matters.

You deserve a calm and peaceful environment to live in, one where you can relax and enjoy your time.

Despite the pandemic, if this is something that's affecting your health, mental or physical then it might be worth talking to your GP, they will be able to put you in touch with people who can support you with this. My very best wishes.

First, give yourself a big pat on the back.
You have managed to bring up your two daughters on your own and to sort out the financial mess that your husband's leaving landed you in. Well done!

Now you have the time and desire to sort out the stuff cluttering up your house.

I would start by moving as much as possible out of a room that is not in daily use, so you have somewhere to put the stuff you sort. Just clear space in there and once you have space to work in, start sorting. Most of us find sorting clothes and shoes easier than books, photos and other souvenirs. Start with whatever is easiest.

Make three piles: 1 = things to be thrown out, 2= things that can be given away, 3= things to keep.

Sometimes it helps to set a time limit, like saying, "I will work at this for half-an-hour." Once the half-hour is past, you can stop, or if you want, you can continue.

It is the starting that is hard and sorting stuff out does become easier as soon as you can see that you are making inroads.

If you look at something and feel, " I just can't throw this out! " put it aside in a pile of its own to be looked at later, when you have had time to consider whether you really do want to keep you daughters' first shoes, or an old, decrepit Christmas decoration. It is all right to keep a few things for sentimental reasons.

It's so disheartening when you look around and see stuff everywhere! I know, because it could be me!
In my case, it started after my parents died within 2 years of each other (I live in what was their house) and apart from small items that I have given to various members of the family, everything else was as it was.
After my mum died (she went first unexpectedly) several members of my family came into my home while I was on holiday (dad was at my sisters) and cleared out most of mum's belongings. Returned from holiday and nothing was where it had been! My dad said it was like being burgled! I had left a basket full of washing to be ironed that I didn't take on holiday and that had been upended onto my bed and there was even a box of personal correspondence including all of my son's school photos, left in the barn for "me to look through"!
After that, I really lost all heart and only did what I had to, along with the fact of working full time and caring for dad until he died 2 years later.
The lockdown has been a blessing and a pain in disguise! I started sorting through all the bags and boxes and being ruthless with throwing things out - paperwork was either burnt or son took to his workplace to be shredded. Clothes are bagged and ready to go to charity shops. Only thing is that I am stuck with several items of furniture that can't go anywhere at the moment!
We planned to get another cat after our much loved one died and the thought of a possible home visit spurred us into action!
Make a decision that you will start one weekend, but don't plan to do it all in one go. Buy a shredder, bin bags and a box of tissues! Start in the room that you don't go in very often, and designate one room for things waiting to go to charity shops or if you have outside storage, use that. Get rid of anything that you haven't worn for at least 2 years and get rid and shred anything older that 5 years just for starters.
Oh, forgot the bottle of wine, ready meal, treat dessert to have at the end of each day. You can do it!

I understand how you feel it must all seem too much to deal with. I would order a skip and do it all in one go hopefully with help from someone. Hoarding is often part of depression but maybe you just cant face it and need to pay someone else or ask a charity like age concern to help.
I need to move to sheltered accommodation really but cant face the upheavel so I know how you are feeling.

Sounds like you're a hoarder. There are companies that will clear it all for you - with you supervising of course.

Already plenty of great advice there.
When I moved overseas I was strict with what to get rid of and what to keep.

I looked at each item and asked myself the questions

- have I missed this item? Yes, keep, No, get rid
- will this give me joy if I keep it? Yes keep, No get rid
- will someone else be able to use this or get joy out of it? Yes, then pass it on
- not only, can I still use this, but will I use this in the next 12 month? Yes, keep it , No get rid.

If you have plenty of boxes you can label on "stay" and one "charity" and things unusable just put in a bin bag.

It's ok to keep a few things just to look at them and recall a memory but choose just a few to cherish.

You have my sympathies, Unigran4. Hoarding utterly fascinates me and there is always a root cause. I cannot bear to let go of anything belonging to my kids - clothes, books, toys, drawings, mugs etc and I'm talking from baby hood. Even giving them to grandchildren is hard for me, and the things are not always wanted anyway. Some people find this hard to understand, but it feels like giving them away. Objects are full of memory and feeling triggers. I think the advice is good here: tackle a little at a time and get someone unsympathetic to help you if possible. If might help you to think that someone else could really do with some of your things and it would be really appreciated by them. Some things may deteriorate over time and then are no use to anyone. Good luck with letting things go, but small steps to begin with. I hope you find some treasures that you have forgotten about amongst your stuff, and can separate them from the things you can let go. xx

Start with a drawe. Take everything out on put on a table. Pick everything up. If it gives you joy keep it. If not throw ot out. One drawer at a time. One corner at a time. One room at a time. Just concentrate on the word 'one'. Throw things out one at a time. Sending peaceful thoughts to you.

I work in the 'downsizing' industry and this is not an easy thing to tackle to please do not think it is madness that you are not just getting to it and sorting everything out. There have been lots of excellent advise here, starting slowly, start with something easy (booze cupboard/dresser drawer) and if you can get a friend/child to work with you great. I would really recommend using a trained declutterer even if only for one visit - just to get you started. Seeing what can be achieved in just one session is so motivating. To find a declutterer near you try www.apdo.co.uk, I work with lots of their declutterers and they are wonderful people.

Hi Unigran. All big jobs can seem overwhelming at first, but they get easier. The thing is to just START! The 15 or 30 minute advice is really good, or try a 30 bag in 30 day challenge. thesavvysparrow.com/30-bags-in-30-days-decluttering-challenge/
Good luck.

My fingers are itching- If it was allowed and I lived close by I would love to help you! Nothing I like better than a clear out. Then you can redecorate....
But be kind to yourself and breathe and little by little you can take control. Good Luck !

I would say that some people are trapped at the time of a painful period in their lives. Think of people with ptsd or when they developed a mental illness, they can feel stuck at that age, and can feel in a time warp.I would also say some people
are untidy and some are tidy, if it suits the wearer then the starer can go away!

There are professional declutterers. My daughter had two lovely women come out to sort out her garage. She felt it was well worth the fee. If you feel you need professional help you may be entitled to it free. Speak to your GP. in the meantime start small, a shelf or corner a day. I wish I could help as I love decluttering.

You have acknowledged you do nit want your house to be in the state it is so start doing something about it. Make a plan, timetable what you want to achieve by when. Don't know what your recycling facilities are so check out when they are open etc. Black poly bags are usually okay for non recycle stuff deal with that first taking to the tip.Then if you feel you have stuff for recycle bins sort that our accordingly, again taking to tip. Charity stuff being the last if any. If you don't have transport for trips to local recycling centre then may even be worthwhile hiring a small skip for a couple of days but have your stuff ready to be loaded in. You should also make a plan with some ideas about what you would like to do with the two rooms eg if you fancy painting them then get the paint etc when you start on the clearing out. This will be a reminder for you to keep going with the project. You know you want to do it and what an achievement when you get there. PS whatever has been in the rooms all that time is unlikely to be of use or needed don't stop to think, do it.