This is tough!!

Saying ‘No’ isn’t easy, and the parents can’t see the problem! I’m in the same position CoolMimi. Covid prevented an invasion last year but I can’t believe the GC (or parents!) are any better behaved two years later. It will be ‘bite the bullet and just say it’ time unless they’ve had a better offer (unfortunately I think the in-laws have developed their own avoidance strategy).

No way would I allow anyone to make my plans for my Christmas, so anyone thinking that they can tell me that they will be coming to me without my express invitation will get short shrift.

All I want is a hassle free life and that goal is an absolute.

Anyone disrupting my goals can expect to be told to do one!

No arguments. Simples.

This sounds like a wonderful idea, Christmas with your family…….. but it’s definitely not going to work for you. Parents can have a nice rest and get to play Santa and Mrs Claus without any of the massive amounts of work, damage, clearing up, repairs etc. After it’s all over, they get to walk away - leaving you sitting in the smouldering ruins! Good plan. However you’re thinking about thwarting their plans and in good time. Well done!

Unless you really want to go away for Christmas, don’t. You shouldn’t have to run away from home in order to avoid hosting a madhouse! Speaking to your Daughter about their behaviour doesn’t work and is quite likely to make you the baddie and cause tension and arguments. Why risk that? Accept that you won’t manage to sort out their parenting and you’ll always get the problems and damage, then be determined to make a plan that works for you. Renting a holiday home for the festive season will still probably make you tense and unhappy if it involves watching them trashing someone else’s house.

I don’t think you negotiate. You accept that this is how things are - maybe until the kids are a lot older. You say you don’t want to host Christmas at yours. As others have said, you don’t want a row but you must have the choice. Your choice may be going to theirs - if they really want your company, or you all going off somewhere else and they can book and you can pay for your share and decide how long you will stay. If you fancy going away for your own Christmas - or going to a friend’s, then say so. This year needs to be different or each year you’ll dread it and be having to sort out this problem over and over.

Let them behave just as they like - just not in your house! It shouldn’t really be any surprise to your DD, it’s not the first time you’ve complained. She can deal with the consequences of a lack of discipline on her own turf! As you might say ‘not my Circus, not my monkeys!’
Good luck and don’t waver - you’re going to have a much better time.

I really don’t understand some of the responses to the o/p that include making up excuses, stories and especially suggestions that including changing your own plans to get you out of your own house at Christmas!

Just to avoid telling the truth!

I just don’t get it.

Hello fellow Grans - I'm 62 with 3 adult kids all with kids of their own. How long are we expected to keep hosting Xmas? I've been doing it for 35 years and it's damned hard work. Last year DD invited us over for Xmas lunch and it was lovely not having to cook and wash up - she acknowledged that it was time someone else hosted and I am knocking on now HAHAHAHAHA

Seriously though - surely the little ones want to stay home and play with their presents? Are our adult kids too lazy to cook and invite us?

Perhaps we should have a gransnet uprising and all decide that we intend to enjoy Xmas doing what WE want to do - go out for lunch - go away - NOT play hostess to ungrateful kids with children that don't know how to behave.

Totally with you, Dottygran. They should be making lovely memories in their own homes and for their own children. Grans have done their bit over and over!

Sorry...I just wouldn’t have them, and my daughter would be told why. It’s appalling they treat your home like this. Was your daughter allowed to behave like this growing up? I know they’re your family, but that is just plain disrespectful.

CoolMini I've just read your post to my DH and is first words were if you need sanctuary come here for Christmas.

Now that's not an offer he makes often :-) but we have experienced a family like that, only once and not relatives thank goodness.

I agree with others who say do whatever you can to "Be Away" even if you aren't away.

You can always say on Christmas morning "my plans got cancelled" when it's too late for them to invade your home.

Better to have Christmas on your own than the stress and damage of putting yourself through a visit like that.

Good Luck with whatever you choose to do and I hope you make taking care of yourself your priority.

Or as other have said Just say NO.

I agree with being honest and deal with the issue directly - a lie can snowball

I remember my parents using an excuse to get out a loan request from a family member.

They said that because I was getting married they were not in the proper position to loan a relative money - basically threw me under the bus

The truth - they didnt want to loan it because it was $$$$ and it wouldnt be returned ever

It was found out that they did not contribute to the wedding expenses so it got very embarrassing to deal with the lie.

Embarrassing for them, not for me.

I told them to say no in a polite manner but they thought it was too harsh and rude.

Surely it can't only be you that dreads their visit? I would be surrpised if they get invited for play dates more than once. I worked overseas for some time, and one of my fellow expats was there on married status, and his two boys were notorious. Not just high spirits, but destructive, teasing pets until they lashed out, spitting out food.....you know the picture. One lunchtime he was wandering around the canteen looking for a babysitter, and everyone was making polite excuses, all apart from one woman who said the only people who are capable of handling his children were the SAS.

I don’t think hiring a cottage, knowing the state it would probably be left in, would be very fair on the owners. Even if hired by the parents of these awful children, they would have to give details of everyone staying and I doubt OP would want her name linked to the destruction which will ensue, regardless of not being a party to the contract.

I so agree with statement above.

Dottygran59

Hello fellow Grans - I'm 62 with 3 adult kids all with kids of their own. How long are we expected to keep hosting Xmas? I've been doing it for 35 years and it's damned hard work. Last year DD invited us over for Xmas lunch and it was lovely not having to cook and wash up - she acknowledged that it was time someone else hosted and I am knocking on now HAHAHAHAHA

Seriously though - surely the little ones want to stay home and play with their presents? Are our adult kids too lazy to cook and invite us?

Perhaps we should have a gransnet uprising and all decide that we intend to enjoy Xmas doing what WE want to do - go out for lunch - go away - NOT play hostess to ungrateful kids with children that don't know how to behave.

Well said!

Agreed!

Only last week I said to my daughter, only half joking:

'I only see you when you want to dump your awful kids here'

Straight away she said 'Do you want to go for lunch while they're at school?

Of course I did - and it was lovely, enjoying our food - without being on red alert as referee, disciplinarian, noise reduction and damage limitation expert etc.

I remember once doing Christmas with my neighbour, her children and a friend across the road , her husband and their son who was a brat! We also had my ex husbands parents. The brat punched my FIL in the stomach and spat at MIL! The brats mother said to her husband " it's Christmas David, don't tell him off!" My dog rounded off the day nicely by taking a chunk out of the Christmas pudding that my neighbour had made!

Be honest and open and say no. Don't be tempted to invent excuses - otherwise, the following year you'll be in the same boat when she asks again. Just be brave and say it. The sooner the better, get it over and done with.

SpringyChicken

Be honest and open and say no. Don't be tempted to invent excuses - otherwise, the following year you'll be in the same boat when she asks again. Just be brave and say it. The sooner the better, get it over and done with.

This is the best advice on this thread bar none!

I agree with Springy Chicken Making up excuses just means you will have the same problem over and over.

Just say "It would be nice to see you over Xmas but I cannot have it at my house because I cannot have my home and my things destroyed like last time" Be honest!

Give examples of what was destroyed..." cabinets broken at hinges, broken dishes, clogged toilet etc etc..........."! Good luck!

Thank you all for your well thought out replies! I have been mulling it over again and again since I posted. I am a young Mimi, so I can't play the "feeble" card! I am a cyclist and still keep a very active career. I'm about 10 yrs from retirement still. I decided to tell them I had a business trip this year and their presents would be coming in the mail. I guess that is a "cop-out!" But! At least now, I have peace about the situation even if I fibbed to get out of it! LOL!

Here is the crazy thing....the kids AREN'T going to learn how to act socially acceptable. Most of the time if kids have rotten behaviors, they can learn how to act right due to the structured environment that school offers. My daughter announced that they are going to "homeschool" the kids! So, being a former educator myself, I know how these kiddos tended to not fare very well when these homeschooled children sometimes entered the public school system. Quite frankly, they were often very socially backward and sometimes just downright weird! I'm trying to not sound judgy, but after 2 decades, I saw some consistencies in that department. I see no problem necessarily with homeschool, but I do think my daughter needs to realize that "structure" is a BIG part of teaching/learning! Ultimately, I fear the kids will lose out and none of the extended family will want them around. Right now, they don't get others having to deal with them, so they aren't ever going to have to learn how to cope with interacting with others' ideas! Pretty sad, huh?

It is indeed sad when you can see your daughter taking a path that you can see, with your years of professional experience, is not beneficial to those involved.
And even sadder that you can see your own grandchildren will become even less well equipped to engage with the wider society.
But what can you do? It must be heartbreaking for you.