Confused - Unhappy to be a grandmother

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are yourself in a deep state of sadness since the loss of your husband. The wonderful news that your daughter is having a baby is clouded by this sadness. It’s a totally natural feeling and I’m going to be very blunt it’s a feeling of ‘ why should I lose someone that I love dearly while at the same time see someone who is having a lovely experience themselves. When you hold your grandchild everything will change.

Cheespleez

Find a title you would like to be called. I'm called by a shortened version of my name and that's likely to stick!
I loathe gran, nanny, nanna, granny...

I think the OP will have decided what she wants to be called.
She asked for help and opinions in June 2024

Find a title you would like to be called. I'm called by a shortened version of my name and that's likely to stick!
I loathe gran, nanny, nanna, granny...

Do not worry about it. It really does not matter how you feel about this new member of the family.

When my DGD was born, even though I looked forward to her arrival, when she arrive she seemed to me to be some little intruder in the settled family we were. She had night terrors from a very young age and just screamed most of the night. I felt so sorry for my son and wife struggling to manage her, but at the same time resented her keeping me awake.

But I could stand back from these feelings and see them for what they were, my adapting to a complete change in the family make-up at a time when I was also dealing with my father's final illness and death.

So relax, let these feelings float over and you and away. Even if, despite everyone's assurances, you do not feel different after the baby is born, again, it doesn't matter. just pretend to feel delight and do all the things proud grandma's are meant to do.

My feelings of resentment lasted a few months, but soon disappeared as I recovered from my father's death and everything that went before.

But mainly just remember, it does not matter how you feel about your coming grandchild. We do not all need to feel the same about grandchildren and there are grandparents who really do not want grandchildren.

Just relax, you have had a recent tragic bereavement and are struggling. Perhaps you would be best stepping away from all your counselling and therapy and just relaxing into your grief instead of fighting it.

Is there any point in mentioning that this thread is 13 months old

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I was widowed at 50, although we had been apart for several years because of his health problems. By the time I reached 70 I was resigned to never being a Grandmother. One daughter didn't want children, the other did but hadn't met anyone she wished to spend her life with. Then she did. I became a mother-in-law at 71 and a Grandmother at 74. There won't be more, my daughter is in her 40s, but her father and I will live on in her son. My husband would have been tickled pink to become a grandfather. I only regret that I will probably not be around long enough to see him grown up. I would love to see the person he has yet to become.

I, apparently, am "Nana". I'm o.k. with that. He recognises my voice on the phone and knows who I am the rare occasions we meet. I love him dearly and I think and hope that once you meet your grandchild, a little part of you and your beloved husband, you will feel the same.

I was a grandma at 41, didn't mind what I was called. I was working full time myself. I was called Nanny, now nan, just a name. Glad I was young when they came along, now have 4. wouldn't have mattered to me if I hadn't had them, but once they come you dote on them.
Think it understandable how you feel, you miss your husband, it would have been wonderful if he was here, but you wait and see, they bring the love with them and this baby is part of him. None of my grandchildren want children so will not be a great grandma.

There's no reason not to adopt a translation for the word "Granny" or "Nanny".

I rather like the sound of the word "nonna" (ie the Italian word) or I gather they also sometimes use the word "mamma".

Maybe one of those words would sit easier with you?

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Well I would think its all been well sorted by now unless it was an extra loooong pregnancy this thread is 14 months old !!! So guess the child is probably toddling around with Nanny Granny or whatever by now

My parents both died the same year my first grandchild was born. It felt significant to me that the cycle of life goes on.

acm1766

Thank a lot for your messages.
I had, for the past year, metal health therapy, grieving therapy, groups therapies. And I am still going for some...I am taking medication for depression. I am much, much better than 1 year ago. But my reaction scares me...because is not me. I love my daughter very much and I am so, so sorry I cannot be happy for her. More, I needed to pretend I am happy, in front of her and I am not used to do this. Also what is very strange is the association of "grandma" with me. I cannot see, ever, someone to call my grandma, ever...In my mind grandma is old... I am not feeling old, I feel young in my heart...

I think it will need to be a case of 'fake it til you make it'
You are still young ...never mind at heart ....58s not old....but its old enough to have a grandchild....I had my first GD at 50 .....she's 10 now and keeps me young .....I know all the tik tok trends and stuff that the young ones are into through her .....I'm called Granny and I love it.....chose a name you like ...or just your first name ...doesnt have to be grandma

acm1766

Thank a lot for your messages.
I had, for the past year, metal health therapy, grieving therapy, groups therapies. And I am still going for some...I am taking medication for depression. I am much, much better than 1 year ago. But my reaction scares me...because is not me. I love my daughter very much and I am so, so sorry I cannot be happy for her. More, I needed to pretend I am happy, in front of her and I am not used to do this. Also what is very strange is the association of "grandma" with me. I cannot see, ever, someone to call my grandma, ever...In my mind grandma is old... I am not feeling old, I feel young in my heart...

Well choose another name. Nana, nanny, gran, granny, gramps or anything you like. I'm a grandmother 8 times over and I've never been called grandma.

I was 36 when I became a grandmother, it didn’t upset me and when I took her out people thought she was mine.
I think another name besides grandma would be better for you I’m nanny which I think sounds better, I think part of what you are feeling maybe disappointment that your husband isn’t there to share the joy of it all with you, as others have said as soon as you see the baby you won’t help but feel happy because that’s what they bring with them

Someone once said to me, "They bring their own love with them." I'm sure you will find that once the baby is here. They are lots of fun and you give the back before bed time.

After four boy's who haven't long flown the nest, the last thing I wanted was a grandchild !
Yet he's lovely & they don't live too close to me, to be exhausting.

ACM1766. I was a Grandma at 40, it does'nt make you old, it keeps you young.

I too am widowed and , whilst my OH did have the joy of seeing the GC, I do sometimes feel sad that he has not been able to enjoy their many achievements and joys.
I have no doubt that some of your reaction relates to you recent bereavement. Carrying on both your genetic lines is so basic, and the fact that he is no longer here to enjoy this must be so hard - I am sending you sympathy.
I am Grandma to some of my children and Mama to others - the latter relates to one of the GC being unable to say Grandma.

Grand-parenting after the loss of a partner does have its emotional moments, but the joy and privilege of the role are always there.
I am sure that these will be there for you in the fullness of time.

My mum was 50 when my dad died, she was a nurse and looked after him through a Sudden illness. She was utterly heartbroken when he died and actually said the second year after he died was worse than the first.
My daughter (now late 40s) was a baby when he died, and mum always said that she had been sent to make her laugh! She really helped mum and lifted her spirits. So don’t worry too much. Your feelings are so natural, and won’t last forever.
That bereavement walking group sounds just the ticket.

I am so sorry you are suffer acm1766, grief is an agony that eats away at you, and it good that you feel a little better. Regarding the second part of your query, which is very trivial compared to the first, I had a horror of "grandma", I am "Mamie" which is French for grandmother, and, somehow, doesn't seem as bad. There are many other names less redolent of decrepitude, or how about your own name preceded by something, for example "MamaAnna". Sending very best wishes for the future.

Both my parents died when I was in my 20s. When I had my children they wanted me to be well and be around when they had children of their own.
Now I am in my 70s, a grandma to 4 wonderful grandchildren, 2 in the States.
I consider being a grandma the most wonderful thing.
As I read somewhere ' being a grandma found a space in my heart I didn't know was there' or 'I didn't think I would fall in love again, but then I became a grandma'.
Please get yourself some bereavement counselling, it will help. Also if you have close friends to talk to, about your husband, you need to talk. Best wishes to you.

Please be kind to yourself. Call yourself anything you like, it doesn’t have to be granny, grandma, nana or nanny. Pick an affectionate name and introduce yourself to your new grandchild with that name and go slowly. You will undoubtedly be a wonderful grandmother, and in time, love this new little one. Take it easy and slowly. Xx

your grief is overwhelming, you've lost your husband, and now another little person to love is coming into your life, you'll be able to tell him or her all about their grandad...as time goes on this little grandchild will take their place in your heart, and you'll wonder how you ever lived without him or her..
I wish you well xx

I’m older than you, but I sympathise - my first grandchild was born a year after I was widowed. I was filled with sadness and a kind of anger because my husband had so looked forward to being a grandfather and it seemed so unfair that he would never meet his grandson. There is also a change in the bond with your daughter- her child will come first now. My grandson is 2 now, and I love him to bits, it just takes time to adjust to the changes in family dynamics and your new role.