Confused - Unhappy to be a grandmother

You’re grieving, please be kind to yourself and don’t expect too much. Your emotions are still so raw that you’re not reacting to anything “normally”. Please try not to worry. As for not wanting to be called grandma, why should you be?! My DGD’s other grandmother declared that as she was too young to be a granny (she had a ten year old granddaughter at the time my granddaughter was born!) she would be called Nannie. I said I was happy to be granny but my granddaughter had other ideas and she me calls a name that could be attached to anybody! Give yourself time and a lot of kindness.

Hi
I am Baba - not grandma - give yourself time. I do believe that when the treasure of your future grandchild arrives and you cradle him/her in your arms. You will find the live in your heart, give yourself time. Be kind to yourself 💖

Get a grip, this child will bring joy to you. I'm a geat grandmother and happy as a sand-boy.

I am called Grandma and I consider it a privilege.

When your child announces they’re having a child of their own, you remember how it was when you were newly pregnant, & how it felt for you & your husband. That may be bringing back memories that you’re finding very painful at the moment. You have more grieving to do but have lots of time to adjust to the prospect of becoming a Grandmother & I wish you well.
PS I chose to be Nana but my Granddaughter chose Nanny when she started talking. (Which is what my siblings & I called ours as children.)

I'd still be grieving my husband. I suspect that never ends, be kind to yourself. I suppose the grief will lessen, though never really leave you.

I delivered our third child whilst our eldest was pregnant. She'd just finished University, married, was settling into her marriage. They were purchasing their home, thankfully large enough for babies. GD1 was a surprise. I wasn't thinking of being a gran so young, it took some getting used to. However GD1 and our last 2 daughters were raised close together, that was very enjoyable.

There are so many surprises in life - wait patiently, I suspect you'll grow to love this new grandchild whilst grieving your beloved.

You don't have to me Grandma. You can me anything you want to be. Even something you make up. I'm Nanny. My friend is Nan. Another friend is called Nonna. I've heard another acquaintance called Mumtoo or it might be Mum2. Or maybe GreatMum. I hope you manage to find so e joy somewhere as grandchildren are a joy.

I understand how you feel, I felt very similar and couldn’t understand it myself. My Mom died two weeks after my first Gd was born, a long drawn out illness. The role reversal of going from daughter to grandmother was a shock. I felt I was going through the facade of how I was supposed to feel vs how I felt. I was confused, grieving hard, lost and whiplashed from guilt. I have no husband, and also was set up to care for GD full time while her parents worked. It was challenging and overwhelming. I cried a lot, wanting the feelings to catch up- thinking something was wrong with me. I felt numb. I followed through- going through the motions, acknowledging my feelings to myself only, on long walks in the early morn before she was dropped off. She is now 3, and I love her as fiercely as my own, she has helped me heal and grow in ways I never expected when she was born. I am “Gramma” like my Mom was, and yes it took me a time to get used to it. Thats okay, anything new takes time to get used to. I wish someone could have told me back then that it’s okay to feel what I was feeling. To be open to love even if you don’t feel like it yet. To be amazed by the process of life and death and change and rebirth. The more it hurts the more capacity it has to be filled with love and joy again. I’m so grateful. Still miss my Mom so much. Thats okay. My heart is open again. DGD number 2 next month. Let yourself be where you are. Be kind to yourself, grief is head spinning.

Im so sorry for your loss, this will undoubtedly mask any happiness trying to push through..

Give it time, since the death of my granddaughter I too 'fake' my happiness at times, almost like if I pretend it'll happen, and tbf it does come through, almost like the dark clouds lift and sunshine peeks through (I go to grief counselling have done for over a year, the first year I thought I could come out the other side alone, but I couldn't so I found a counsellor a year after her passing)

As for the the name 'Grandma 'this isn't set in stone.. I was a granny at 44, ,people often say' Grannies are for old people 'but nothimg gives me greater pleasure than hearing' graneeeee' called from afar or now it's sometimes 'gran gran'

I have lots of 'granny' friends who are called things like Gee, Gee-gee, gee-ma. Noo( rhymes with boo) Noo-Noo, lolly... etc there is no one name you can be whatever you feel is right for you ❤️

As you see from my user name, my brothers, sisters and close friends always called me Kaz. My grandchildren call me granny Kaz and one of them calls me Granny Kazzy! My husband is Pepe to all the grandchildren. Find a name that you like. Once baby is born you will realise that they are part of you and your late husband, and hopefully you will take comfort from having them in your life. Good luck

Whilst I hadn’t lost anyone close for several years I too had an uneasy feeling when my youngest DS announced at 19 his gf was pregnant and in fact o broke down in tears at the very thought my DH advised me not to get to close to the baby as it would be worse if I got too close only for her mother to stop us from seeing her. But from the moment she was placed in our arms we were smitten and 9 yrs later were still very close to her and her Dad even when her mother caused havoc do we count our blessings

I’m sure when the baby is born you will feel very different. As for being called granny, I think the baby will possibly have its own name for you. Our first grandchild decided I was Barry, to the immense amusement of my daughters and it’s stuck although I did get some odd looks. A friend of mine who was horrified at being called granny is called Lola , which is apparently Philipino for granny. Have a look at other languages and you may find something that you like. I’m so sorry you’re finding it so hard to cope after the death of your husband.

The point is, the op is already a grandmother, regardless of anything else, and regardless of her having adopted her grandchild as if she was her daughter.

Hi I'm so sorry but do understand I'm very sad inside as in my own, I grieve for losses I've had, some days better than others and definitely uplifted coffeeing with friends or with my kids when they are free but are often very busy understandably. But I do think this little bundle will open up some of your heart and bring joy, most definitely. I expect like myself you will feel it would be lovely if both grandparents were there for babe sadly we can't change this but we cope. My GS chose nanny I don't know why so I call myself 'PG' also as my GD calls me gran. I dislike gran so PG is pauline granny & a nice nickname. My sister is Pam-ma 😁. I think we are blessed to have these little ones come along, but the odd thing maybe and maybe share DIL journey if she's happy to share. Best wishes

"Buy'

As so many posters have said you are still grieving
Maybe becoming a grandmother without your husband there feels like losing a bit more of him, taking a step further away from him and into a stage in life for which you don’t feel ready
Grief is such a complex matter
Allow yourself to feel how you feel
Maybe being a grandmother was never your dream (for many people it is not!) and without your husband even more so
Time can change many things
Don’t make things worse by not accepting yourself and your feelings
Definitely keep with the counselling
And you can be called what you like - I know one grandmother who is called ‘Crystal’
Wishing you future joy x

Grieving can mess with your emotions. When my eldest daughter died I was overwhelmed with grief, I attempted suicide because I could not cope with the pain of losing her, eventually the only way I could survive was to go numb, like a zombie devoid of emotions, literally a shell of myself, dead inside. I felt nothing. My youngest daughter then gave birth to my first grandchild, and holding her in my arms the first time it was literally a life changing moment, like someone had used a defibrillator on my heart, I even gasped out loud as it kicked back into life and for the first time since my daughter died, I suddenly felt a huge wave of love and emotion. It was like I was alive again. I cannot even put it into words. I have a feeling this may happen to you once that baby is in your arms, and all that grief will be washed away with overwhelming love for your grandchild, and you will not care if they call you grandma, nanny, nan, nana, all that matters is your new life with your grandchild and feeling love once again.

I was a single parent and became a grandmother at 44. My daughter asked what I’d like to be called, I said grandma, she was “really? are you sure?” Yup I was and still am. I don’t like nanny, my mum was nana, and still here, and my grandmother was granny so that didn’t feel right. As an outsider I would think your lack of joy is mixed up with your grief, a year isn’t very long. As long as your daughter doesn’t realise you’re not overjoyed then you will work your way through this with no one being hurt. And you’re obviously taking pains to ensure she doesn’t realise. If you don’t like grandma come up with a name you do like, maybe a pet name you called your gran, look at other cultures, maybe Oma, Nonna, both lovely. I’m so sorry for your loss and hope your grandchild will bring joy and warmth back into your life.

I felt like this just over 12 years ago. I was only 48 and didn’t feel ready to be be a grandparent. I thought of my self as the reluctant grandmother. When my granddaughter was born I felt so different, I fell in love with her. Then she was going to have a little brother or sister and I felt the same way as I had before, I loved my granddaughter but she was enough I didn’t want another one! But of course it was the same again when she was born. Don’t worry I am sure it will be the same for you, although you have grief to contend with as well you may well find this baby filling some of the space in your heart left by your husband.

I’m older than you, but I sympathise - my first grandchild was born a year after I was widowed. I was filled with sadness and a kind of anger because my husband had so looked forward to being a grandfather and it seemed so unfair that he would never meet his grandson. There is also a change in the bond with your daughter- her child will come first now. My grandson is 2 now, and I love him to bits, it just takes time to adjust to the changes in family dynamics and your new role.

your grief is overwhelming, you've lost your husband, and now another little person to love is coming into your life, you'll be able to tell him or her all about their grandad...as time goes on this little grandchild will take their place in your heart, and you'll wonder how you ever lived without him or her..
I wish you well xx

Please be kind to yourself. Call yourself anything you like, it doesn’t have to be granny, grandma, nana or nanny. Pick an affectionate name and introduce yourself to your new grandchild with that name and go slowly. You will undoubtedly be a wonderful grandmother, and in time, love this new little one. Take it easy and slowly. Xx

Both my parents died when I was in my 20s. When I had my children they wanted me to be well and be around when they had children of their own.
Now I am in my 70s, a grandma to 4 wonderful grandchildren, 2 in the States.
I consider being a grandma the most wonderful thing.
As I read somewhere ' being a grandma found a space in my heart I didn't know was there' or 'I didn't think I would fall in love again, but then I became a grandma'.
Please get yourself some bereavement counselling, it will help. Also if you have close friends to talk to, about your husband, you need to talk. Best wishes to you.

I am so sorry you are suffer acm1766, grief is an agony that eats away at you, and it good that you feel a little better. Regarding the second part of your query, which is very trivial compared to the first, I had a horror of "grandma", I am "Mamie" which is French for grandmother, and, somehow, doesn't seem as bad. There are many other names less redolent of decrepitude, or how about your own name preceded by something, for example "MamaAnna". Sending very best wishes for the future.

My mum was 50 when my dad died, she was a nurse and looked after him through a Sudden illness. She was utterly heartbroken when he died and actually said the second year after he died was worse than the first.
My daughter (now late 40s) was a baby when he died, and mum always said that she had been sent to make her laugh! She really helped mum and lifted her spirits. So don’t worry too much. Your feelings are so natural, and won’t last forever.
That bereavement walking group sounds just the ticket.