Confused - Unhappy to be a grandmother

My second husband and I only got married because his DS and wife were expecting a baby. We had been living together very happily for three years but I preferred the idea of being Granny - even though I was only in my early 40s - to being Grandpa's girlfriend. I have been Granny to 10 (step and biological ones) and am now Great Granny to five. It doesn't make me feel old, it makes me feel special and loved! My DH died 10 years ago but I am happy to see so much of him living on in his grandchildren.

acm1766 I have only just read your seccond post. I think the extra knowledge you impart there, does add extra complications. You already have a granddaughter, but don't have a granddaughter. I assume she knows her true situation.

Becoming a grandmother in reality, will be very fraught and complex. However I do not think I would change anything I saod before. What ever you feel, you feel, do not be embarrassed or ashamed of it, just take it as it comes and see how things pan out.

Officially we are Granny and Grandad, but to our little grandson we are Ranny and Randad at the moment.
Children find their own way 🥰

Sadly for the OP I fear this problem is deep rooted and complicated. She became a grandmother 18 years ago when her teenage daughter had an unplanned pregnancy and she and her husband adopted and raised the child as their own. Now in the early stages of grieving for her husband it must be very difficult to process.

I hope you can find peace of mind acm1766 💐

I was a bit ambivalent about becoming a granny at 51. There was still plenty going on in my life which had just about begun five years previously after a divorce. However, I was never expected to go all out with 'granny tasks' and my relationship with my DDG grew as she did and when she moved to a school just along the road from my house, I was delighted to hear her ringing the doorbell, inviting herself in for a biscuit and a drink. We grew into a lovely relationship and now she is a wonderful mum herself to my delightful DGGD who will be 2 this weekend and calls me 'Ganny'.

💐 I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. Presumably you are still in deep grief and don’t have the emotional room to feel much else, or to feel happy about anything. If you can manage to put on a pretence of being happy about it, that would be good, so as not to upset anybody - especially your daughter - and maybe the real feeling will eventually follow.

But you certainly don’t have to be ‘Grandma’. I really don’t like it - it sounds so old and fat to me! - so I’ve always been Granny except when the Gdcs were too little to say it and called me Nanny instead. I’d really never liked that either, but from them it did sound sweet.

Acme, Is it that you are afraid because you don't feel normal?
We are led to believe particularly in institutions like Gransnet that fond attachment to grandchildren is normal. This social expectation leads people especially women to feel not normal if they happen to not be interested in babies, or suspect they can't look after babies.

Maybe you feel not normal because you are afraid you will be unfit to be a grandmother. If so I bet you are far from being the only prospective grandparent to feel this. I say "grandparent" but in fact most people would laugh off a grandfather's lack of interest in young children and the woman as usual is expected to take on the role of attentive grandparent.

I bet your daughter will understand your lack of joyful expectation. I mean, even some expectant mothers worry about their lack of affection for the unborn baby.

You are an individual you are your own person and there is no need for you to act the grandmother role that you feel is unsuited to you.

You feel you are letting your daughter down when you should be supporting her and rejoicing with her. I bet she will understand well enough and will take you as she finds you.

What you feel is what you feel and it doesn't matter what other people feel. There are plenty of other peoplewho feel like you (but do not admit it), but even if you were the only one, it wouldn't matter because what you feel is what you feel.

I am not going to be one of those that assures you that you will love your grandchild when they appear, you maay not, in which case just relax into it and accept it. Not everyone who has a child themselves is automatically grandparent material as well.

There is no need for your grandchild to call you 'Grandma', 'Nanna' or any of the other traditional names. They can call you by your first name, or a nick name, or anything you want.

I am with others in thinking that your grief at the loss of your husband, you have been widowed so young, will be playing in to your reaction to your daughter's announcement. but when the baby arrives, however you respond is natural for you and just relax into it. Small babies do not require a huge input from anyone other than their parent.

My own reaction to becoming a grandmothe was ambivalent. My son and family do not live near us so our first prolonged period together was Christmas - and my dear father had died only six weeks previously. DGD was a screamer, she had night terrors from a very young age and her parents were exhausted and ran their lives round her. I actually found it difficult to see my lovely GD as other than a disruptor in a family that were perfectly happy before she appeared.

But that changed. DGD grew out of her terrors, her parents were less frazzled and she became, what she still is a loved member of the family. Now we go out on girls days out, just the two of us and there is nothing I enjoy now than sitting outside a cafe in the sunshine, the 'Grand Dame' with her pretty granddaughter.

I too was decidely indifferent (never anti) to the prospect of becoming a GP. However, the arrival completely screwed my heart and joy took over. There's absolutely no reason why you should have a conventional 'title'. I didn't and have absolutely no regrets.

I was a Grandma in my late 40s. My baby granddaughter looked so much like me that people who didn't know me thought I was her Mum (and I was thrilled at that! My daughter, not so much )

I chose to be called Grandma because I liked seeing people's surprise when they thought I was Mum. I had no age hangups. Grannies nowadays are not white-haired old ladies in rocking chairs or whatever the word "Grandma" conjures up.

Macadia what a lovely thoughtful post.

acm1766 - the more we were blessed with love then the more pain I would expect.
But you still have love - and love inside you.
At present you are languishing but I hope that one day you will eventually start to quietly grow again - like the plant that has no sunlight and slowly moves towards the sun.

I hope your daughter's little sunshine baby brings you a ray of hope and new blessings.

I am sorry for your loss. It is perfectly fine to not be excited to be a Grandma. The sadness or anger or mixed emotions you are feeling might be just your subconscious scaring you because this new baby news came on suddenly and you are feeling forced into a new label or position and it brings a bad feeling because you have recently lost your husband. Feeling this lack of control - like you're being pushed around - can cause depression. I found that walking is the very best medicine for grief so if you are able, please force yourself to try. It is so good for the mind. The mind plays crazy tricks on us during stressful times. You love your daughter, this is good. She deserves to be happy carrying her child. Allow her that. Her happiness does not take away from the validity of sadness. You don't have to change at all. You don't have to think of her baby. This is how families grow and this is how love in a family grows. What is that poem that says, "Remember what peace there is in silence"? I cant remember it right now because my memory is bad but I like to read poetry because poetry is a way to describe indescribable feelings. Give yourself time. You don't have to feel happy about it if you're not. But you ARE loved. Time doesn't stop your grief but it changes it. Be patient and love your self, too.

I think the issue here is that you haven’t finished grieving if you ever will. I know that this can be awful for you and you will be so sad that your lovely husband isn’t here to share this good news but you will feel different when you hold this new baby and you have another purpose to go on. My heart goes out to you as I have been married since we were young and dread your situation. Please allow yourself to grieve and also allow your self to move on when you’re ready. You will find strength in this new chapter. Sending love and hugs.

So you are already a Grandma? How odd then, that you feel sick about being a Grandma!

My first GC came as a shock, wasn't planned and I was 56. He's 21 now. Just stop thinking that any of your reactions are somehow "wrong". You've had one major life change and now you have another one. We can only cope with so much and you have reached your limit. Start to take care of yourself, do things you enjoy and be kind to yourself.
Sometimes the things we expect to enjoy turn out to be a bit of a let down and sometimes the things we fear turn into the greatest joy.
My GC was a shock, but we adapted and he brought so much pleasure to us all. I spent more time with him and did more because I was younger. I'm sure you will find happiness. And you can be called anything you like.

I have 3 daughters: the oldest one is from my previous marriage. The second one is the one that is pregnant and she is the only child I had with my husband.
The third one…came into our lives in an unique way: 19 years ago, in a November morning, I received a phone call from someone informing me that my oldest daughter is pregnant. But not only that. I found out that my daughter was, at that moment, at a clinic to have an abortion. I froze instantly… I was trying to realize what was the worst: the fact that she was pregnant, at 18, without having a stable relationship, or the fact that she wanted to have an abortion? Then, the idea of abortion scared me badly, badly. I call her, praying to God, to answer. And, finally she answered. I was crying, imploring her to do nothing and to come home, so we could talk. And, like a miracle, she listened to me. She came home, we talk and decided to have the baby and place the baby up for adoption.

But, for me, something was not right. The baby was in my mind all the time: how to give the baby to someone else when the baby was my own flesh and blood?!
I spoke with my husband and we decided to adopt and raise that baby like ours.
And, exactly on the day I turned 40, SHE was born. The most beautiful gift that God sent me!

Why I told you this story: because, I was in a similar situation at that time, but my feelings were completely different. In fact, they were the exact opposite. Maybe, because not even for a second I did think about her, like my granddaughter. First she was my daughter’s baby, and after she was born, she was my daughter…I remember like yesterday, the excitement and the joy I had in my heart waiting for her to be born. I didn’t have such strong feelings when I had my daughters. Not even for one.
Now she is 18, and she is the only reason that I am alive after my husband’s death…And I know God sent her to me…

You are grieving for your DH and that is completely understandable. Please don't be hard on yourself, becoming a GM is a big change in how we perceive ourselves, choose your own name. I have always been happy with ' Grandma ' but it is very important you are comfortable with how you are addressed. You are to be to be a young GM - how good is that ?
Please see a well qualified counsellor if possible ,they work wonders! Don't beat yourself up about your feelings accept them and address them . You don't need telling I know, but the welfare of your DD and expected GC are important and I feel sure that the love you have for your DD will stand you in good stead. You won't be the first person to feel this way and I wish you well - don't hesitate to get help if your feeling persists. Thinking of you, keep posting if you need continuing support.

acm you may feel very different when the baby arrives. I have never been a maternal type and suffered from post natal depression after my son was born. However when my grandchildren arrived I suddenly felt the flood of love for the boys that I never felt when I became a mum. I thought to myself ‘so this is what maternal love is like’. I need to add I am very close to my son now.

You are grieving and maybe this baby may help you on the road to recovery 💐

I'm not surprised that you don't feel anything at the moment.. you are on anti-depressants and in an early stage of the grieving process. This is a perfectly normal, slow recovery process.. give yourself plenty of time and really look after yourself.. I expect your daughter is also grieving.. life will very slowly start to improve and you will heal..

I think you are emotionally exhausted and the prospect of worrying about your daughter's pregnancy, her giving birth and a new baby are just overwhelming after your terrible loss and sadness.

If you are mobile, could you join a "bereavement walking" group?
My lovely friend has found that this has given her so much after the death of her husband. No need to talk if you don't want to but fresh air and non judgemental company - and something to look forward to. She has found it the single most helpful thing she has done.

I am a grandparent to 7 grandchildren and love then all - but they call me by my name. Some have their own way of saying it which is very dear - but basically it's my name and they use it, just as my husband does.
They love me and I love them. I call them by their names.
Don't be a "Granny" if you don't want to be.

It sounds as if you are quite numb, still, after the loss of your man, so just go with the flow.

It's not necessary to feel joyful about grandchildren; to some people ok, me it's more of a slow burn kind of love.

It is very understandable that you still feel very sad without your husband, and in one way, the news of the grandchild reminds you that he is no longer here. You feel how you feel, you cannot force yourself to feel differently, but try not to blame yourself and just accept that you are as you are right now. You dont have to tell your daughter just how you feel and you may find as time goes on ,and the baby is born ,you may feel quite different. Maybe the Grandma thing is also part of both feeling older, or being alone and not part of a couple . In our family we have always been Granny with our name following , never used Grandma or Nana. Again there is no rule, and there is an easy way to be called what you prefer, as you can say when appropriate "Yes, I am going to be a Granny (or whichever word you prefer) so you have put the idea of the word you like out there. I do hope that you feel more comfortable as time goes on and wish you all the best

It's young to be widowed. I am sorry.
I don't think you have space in your heart yet to welcome the new life but I'm sure you will when the time comes.
Don't worry and don't try too hard.

Dear acm1766, you are young to be a widow.
This new little member of your family being on their way brings it home to you that life marches on, when you would probably rather turn back time.
Talk to your daughter, tell her how your emotions are confusing you.
I'm assuming your husband was also her father? She may have similar mixed feelings.

You don't need to decide on a title or name until the baby is born, there is nothing wrong with you. I didn't know what I wanted to be called but once she was here it suddenly clicked.
I'm not grandma as we already had two in the family at the time.
I decided I liked Granny which had been my Dad's Mum's title, so that's me now 🤗

Just to add, when I told a colleague that I was to be a grandma, she said 'How horrible. I would hate that'. She now has four grandchildren and is completely besotted.