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Welcome to the *Gransnet Café. This is a non-judgemental space for you to pop in for a cuppa with some virtual friends, seek out advice for a particular problem, or share an update on your life - important or trivial. Feel free to have your say and chat about your day, but please leave any arguments at the door. If you're struggling to find someone to talk to in real life, or are simply looking for a bit of a chat, this is the place for you.

Feeling let down

(5 Posts)
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Whatwouldyoudo Wed 30-Sept-26 12:45:46

Not sure where to put this so hope for some perspective. When we moved area a number of years ago we made friends with a local couple who have lived here for years so have an existing circle of friends.
We meet up every couple of months, we always do supper, their's is more drinks and snacks but that is fine and we enjoy these evenings.
We have been on several holidays and for the last 2 years have hosted them for Christmas as there have been family issues meaning they would be on their own. We will also be hosting them this christmas.
We bumped into them the other day and they started telling us about the plans they had coming up for meals out with other friends, going for drinks at a new wine bar (which we had suggested we all go to) and various other plans that didn't include us.
At the time I felt a bit peeved that they didn't realise how tactless they were being but my partner has also now said they were upset by this. We are supposed to be planning a big trip to Madrid in the new year - their suggestion - but now think I'd rather we just did something ourselves.
Obviously we are still hosting Christmas and we won't make an issue but are we being too sensitive? I must admit this isn't the easiest place to make friends as a couple - we do both volunteer but most fellow volunteers are a lot older with little in common.
I didn't want to put this in AIBU but a bit of perspective might make us feel better about things. Thanks for listening!

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anna7 Wed 30-Sept-26 13:01:14

I'm sorry you are upset by this but honestly, I can't see the problem. Your friends have other friends they see now and again. I can't see there's anything wrong with this.

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Graphite Wed 30-Sept-26 13:06:53

You said yourself that this couple had an existing social network.

It sound like you have been doing things as a foursome but have never been integrated into their wider network. Is that right?

If this has been going on for a few years they probably think you are happy with the way things are. Have you ever said otherwise?

Networks are exactly that, Venn diagrams where parts overlap and parts don’t.

I think you are being a tad over-sensitive regarding the wine bar. I’d have just said something like. “Let me know if it’s any good then perhaps we can make a date to go there as we said we’d like to try it.”

Can you think of any reason why they might not want you as part of their wider circle (if that is the case). Anyone there you might not get along with or vice versa? Or maybe they just prefer socialising in foursomes and nothing larger.

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Oreo Wed 30-Sept-26 13:21:41

I think Graphite gives good advice about this problem.

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Calendargirl Wed 30-Sept-26 13:22:35

Is the Madrid trip just the four of you?

To me, things sound a bit one-sided.

They have a wide circle of friends, but you are the ones who have hosted them the last two Christmas days, and you’re hosting again this year, because they have ‘family issues’ and would be on their own. So they haven’t offered to host you for a change?

And none of their existing circle have offered to have them either.

If it were me, I think I would ease off on the holiday plans, and future Christmas meals.

But then I don’t really want to do loads of stuff with others, so perhaps I’m odd!

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