Empty Nest Syndrome

I know, sometimes I think I must be mad at the thought of missing my children so much. I shall also be left with a grumpy large rabbit to clear out and put in its pen every day, I have threatened to pack her off with him.

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WOW; Does that include the flight to America ...

Shouldn't this be in Media? Has it been OKd by GNHQ?

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Reported.

Unless he was selling replacement teenagers I'm not interested.

So, mine is off at the end of the month. I feel desperately sad most of the time, although I hide it especially when he gets a little worried at the thought of being away from us. At other times I think of less cooking, less washing and a fridge that doesn't empty itself seemingly miraculously, but it doesn't compensate.

You think you'll never get used to if, but you will. You're losing a boy but you'll get him back as a man.

It helps to know that ENS is felt by many others. I'm just having it second time around as my eldest grandchild has just gone over 200 miles away to start uni later this month.
I don't think anyone or anything can ever fill the void left by departing children and grandchildren. Try as we may to fill our lives with other things, nothing ever quite fills that empty nest, does it.

I had my children early on, and now they are all in their 40s. (I am 67) I do remember the last one leaving university and setting up home with his girlfriend, and realising that a new stage was starting, and feeling a little sad.

But I had never not had children - DD arrived slightly before our marriage - so I quite quickly began to enjoy the new life. And I worked full time too, so was very very busy.

Still get a lump in my throat, though, when the visiting little families leave!

I do sympathise, was like a bereavement each time one of mine left. Eldest went on gap year to Borneo, saying it would be better to have no contact, you can imagine how that felt! He lasted two days and rang home. Quiet for a while then the faxes started (this was 1991) "Have been living on boiled rice for two weeks, please send money"!

Then we had one at Exeter, one at Manchester, and one at Leeds unis, so beginnings of term were interesting.

The first week is dreadful, the next two you ache, and after that it calms down. Then one day you put your key in the door of your nice tidy home, fall over the smelly trainers in the hall, and the piles of washing - they are back!

I was in anguish for my daughters whole wedding day, I now know why Bride's mum's cry, it isn't necessarily from happiness! :-)

But then they graduate, they get married, the grandchildren come along (hopefully in that order) and suddenly you are in demand again, I have a better relationship with my daughter now than ever I did before she left home.

My 24 year old grandson, who has been living with us for the last 8 years, keeps the nest from being empty.

Added to this various other close family members visit and have sleepovers.

Sometimes, especially at weekends, I feel I'm trying to get to sleep in a bed in the middle of a busy Oxford Street, with people coming and going throughout the night. Most of the time I count myself blessed!

I keep on thinking, this will be the last time we go to the beach, go to the cinema, pick fruit together - of course it doesn't have to be, but it may well be. I am driving him mad at the moment by taking photos of him, because these are the last weeks in which I can still think of him as my boy, not a young man. I have been mourning him in advance all year.

I love it when my daughter and her babies come to stay, but I would love to have her to myself for a few days. I now understand why my own mother gets a bit ratty when we all descend, I know realise that she would like a heart to heart and never really gets one and even the phone is not quite enough.

It's very hard to stay cheery, and he has already said that he doesn't want us to drive up on my birthday for a meal, as it is too soon after the start of his new term. I was sort of counting on it to keep me going until christmas. Oh well.

RAF the Borneo one would have had me on happy pills! I have a friend whose son was shot in the back in Guatemala, by thieves. He is now paralysed from the waist down.

It truly will get better Janerowena. You need to plan little things each day you enjoy, and after a month you will realise that you are coping. When they come back at Christmas, and leave in New Year, you will feel it again, but it won't last as long. It gets easier each time. Any thank goodness for mobile phones! Don't bombard them with texts, but it is an amazing reassurance.

From the minute they are born you want to wrap them up in cotton wool and keep them safe, but there are just no guarantees. If they are happy, healthy late teens who need to move on, you have to congratulate yourself on a job well done.

Youngest told us he thought when he was 18 he didn't need his parents any more. At 19, after a nervous breakdown and dropping out of uni, he confessed he did!

It seems to me to be one of nature's design faults that children can move on without a backward glance (and so indeed we would want them to really) but for the parents, the worry never stops, not until the day you die. The difference from when they are children is that when things go wrong, there is nothing you can do to put it right, you just have to listen and not judge.

Enough philosophy for one night!

That's a lovely post RAF.

That's kind, bit new to Gransnet!

I wonder how the original poster, dogs4me, is getting on now.

It was February the first post, I do hope she is feeling better now. Goodness knows what happened at the beginning of this thread, Gransnet very busy with the deletions, not what she needed.

I expect that was just people trying to slip some sneaky adverts in. Probably nothing to do with the actual subject. It happens.

Thanks RAF, I need people to keep telling me that. DBH's family is all RAF, as was he for a while before I met him. Or is it your initials?

Yes, my daughter is now 28 and I tell her that to me, she will always be my baby, no matter what age she is and how many children of her own she has. I still miss her terribly and I know she misses me. So although facebook is a wotsit we are both grateful for it. But my son is so excited one day, and a bit anxious the next, I don't remember her ever being like that. She was far more outgoing than him so he wrenches at my heart more.

I did warn him that some teens can't cope, and do drop out for various reasons. In fact, DD did after almost two years because of boyfriend troubles (something else you forget to factor in) and only restarted her law degree two years ago. So she is going to be quite mature by the time she has finished.

Thank god for these threads though. I only joined here and mumsnet because I felt so distraught and empty-nestish. Most of my friends either have awkward teens or too many of them, so are pleased to have a break from them and can't understand how I feel at all!

So glad I found this site! I brought up my son on my own. Him and his other half have been talking about buying a property for about a year or so but you know I kind of 'buried my head in the sand' and thought it would go away! But now it is really happening, I could not understand how I was feeling so tearful and depressed. I had heard of, but never really read about ENS until I clicked on to this site this morning. It has been a wonderful help today, and then scrolling down and finding Gransnet.com was the 'icing on the cake'!!!! So many people - all in the same boat! All the feelings I am having are related to ENS - especially the ones related to single parents - which are different to married couples or partners. As my cousin said to me recently it was always him and me against the world! - so true! I have a long way to go and I know when he starts clearing and emptying his bedroom, that is when it will really hit me. He's not going very far away but it is still the end of an era. He has always been a free spirt - like me - and although I have been protective of him, I brought him up to be independent - go on school trips, holidays abroad with family and friends. He has great job, earns good money and has saved long and hard to get on the property ladder. As a dear friend said when I was a bit down last weekend, "your job is done - and you've done a good one"!!! He truly is the roseofmyheart!!!! Any feedback would be welcomed at this moment in time!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds like you did a grand job preparing your son for moving on rose and he won't be too far away. Perhaps it might help if you look on this transitional time as an opportunity to review strategies you can use to minimise the ENS. Maybe take up a new hobby, join a book club or take an evening class. If you can find something enjoyable to occupy your time and your mind it will help. I should warn you that posting on here will possibly steal your life from you as you become addicted to Gransnet. Problem solved!

Today, sadly is the 8th anniversary of the sudden death my son's adopted nannie Pauline. She was one of my best friends - and introduced me to his Dad - all those 26 years go!! As my own mother had sadly passed away back in 1983, he did not have a real grandmother. When Pauline held him in her arms in the hospital for the first time, when he was just three days old, she said:- "Every little boy needs a nannie and I'll be his"

From that day forward a bond was formed between the two of them, and he loved her with all of his heart. She was always there for him, every step of the way, through all his developments - regular sleepovers every weekend, holidays, school plays, birthday parties, and Christmas with her and the family was so sad from the time we lost her. She was so proud of him - and sadly was not here when he passed his driving test, first time! How he would have been so proud to have been able to drive her around - just as she had done for him all those years.

And although I am feeling ENS right now, if she were here, she would have been so proud and excited for him buying his first home and bagged himself a bonny lass as well! So maybe, having had a sad old day today, I was 'destined' to register with Gransnet on this her anniversary. Perhaps its her way of helping me cope from wherever she is!

If so, thank you Pauline!!!!! Love you forever from roseofmyheart and your loving grandson!!!!