Empty Nest Syndrome

Thank you grannyactivist !!!!! Never expected a reply so soon - and especially at this time of the morning! What a surprise - can't believe you were logged on as well!!! As there has not been much 'activity' on here since approximately last September, I did not expect any comments for a while.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I will take them on board. I have plenty to do - if I did it! It's getting the motivation. I have never been a domestic goddess - and I still have clothes AND toys belonging to my son to sort! Unfortunately I am an extreme hoarder - especially of old paperwork - and find it hard to get rid of or let anything go. Perhaps this will be the opportunity for me to finally change my ways!!!!!

Think the problem stems from growing up in Ireland very poor and where everything had a use and not a scrap of food was ever wasted. I'm glad to say my son will take the food issue with him, whether his lady friend likes it or not! Because when I was bringing him up he learnt from an early age that - like my dear old mother gone before me - food was never wasted in our home.

If you have any ideas on motivation - it would be appreciated

God Bless you. No doubt I'll be logging on again real soon - think you're right - I might become addicted!!!!

Hope you like my message about my son's lovely departed nannie, who's anniversary it is today.

roseofmyheart I was on my own for a while too, so I know what you mean about you and him against the world, as my daughter had just left to go to live with her boyfriend and I was missing her desperately too. I have just had DS back at home for two months, rather than the two weeks I expected, because he tore ligaments ski-ing and is only going back to uni tomorrow, for three months. So I shall miss him all over again.

I have to say, I don't feel quite as bad this time. I now know that life is a litlle easier when he isn't here and that I no longer have to stock the fridge with so much food, for a start, and that the washing load will decrease considerably, that the toothpaste top will stay on and I shall be able to see his bedroom floor. Only small consolations admittedly, but when he returned it was a shock to find how hard I found it to get used to cooking such big meals again. And how I put on weight once he was back.

But I shall miss his smile and his company and no amount of emails, phone calls or facebook messages will ever make up for that. I was reading in bed this morning and he came to talk to me and I found myself just looking at him, to store the memory. I suspect you will be weepy at times, but as someone posted elsewhere, you are the bow, facilitating their flight. They are the arrow, just passing briefly through your life. And you know, it is only brief. We live for four times as long as we have them, on average.

Thank you for your nice reply Janerowena! It is much appreciated. My lad is due to probably move out in about three months but it is probably best to get prepared.

Will keep in touch, once again thanks for taking the time today. Are you UK based?

I cried my eyes out when we left my first DS at university but once we got home I liked not picking up dirty washing and towels off the floor and not searching out dirty crockery from the depths of his bedroom. When the last DS left it was a time for me and UH to enjoy life more without the ties. As we got together when the boys were early teens we both appreciated that us time.

Yes, UK based, in NW Suffolk.

If you are on your own, it is all 'me' time and no 'us' time, and it's the things you miss like the sound of the tv being on, someone in the kitchen preparing food and raiding the fridge. There is a lot of silence when you are on your own and the most important person in your life leaves. Sticking the radio and tv on during the day helps, I used to wonder why older people did it so much, now I know.

A friend of mine has a large house, so when her daughter became pregnant and she and her boyfriend hadn't enough money to rent a larger flat it seemed sensible for them to move in with her, she had missed her daughter so much. Of course, it didn't all run smoothly and 15 months later she was quite relieved when they moved out - but then found she missed them more than they had irked her. Then a year later, the by then SiL was made redundant, so back they came - and discovered that another baby was due, and she loves it. I think it will break her heart if they all move out again, but she says that so far, they all seem very happy with the arrangement this time. I think she is very lucky, but probably an exception!

In the meantime, must get outside and check that my son is packing his computer up rather than using it.

Only just caught up with this forum so it may have been said before
They are like boomerangs and now they have their own places it is good to have the house to ourselves - am I a bad mother? However they are TOO far away, apart from DS. Would like to see both DDS more often though.

Anyway, it's not empty, it's still full of DD2's stuff

I suppose the ideal would be to live the way our ancestors used to, all in the same village, although it didn't suit some. DS now deposited safely back at his flat, so am feeling low, but not as low as last time. He forgot to pack his printer up, so it's a good excuse to go back in a couple of weeks and see him for an afternoon when he's free. He's still limping and strapped up from his ski-ing injury, as a mother that is very hard, to see your baby hobbling off when he still isn't properly healed. My first instinct is to write him a sick note.

Or did they? Was surprised to find out how extensively they travelled when researching FH.
Hope he recovers quickly

Yes, I know they did travel, many of them. I remember wondering if it was to escape the inlaws.

I hope he does, too. He has shopping, painkillers and knee supports, doesn't have to walk too far to lectures and as long as he doesn't go out when it's really icy I hope he will be ok. Luckily he doesn't go out drinking. He goes out, but to be sociable. He will just have to be a recluse for a few weeks.

I'm sure his peers will rally round, hope so.

Yes some of DH's went to Canada, New Zealand, mine went to America and came back again, as well as different parts of GB, and some came from France or Belgium. Perhaps why my DC have the wanderlust.

Just noticed this thread. It's natural to feel at least a bit of ENS when the last one leaves home isn't it?However, we were always so busy that the thought of some peace and quiet seemed great!Of course, you can have too much of that as well.We have one daughter and family live in the same village as us, another daughter close by, and son and family close by as well, so we see them all a lot, which is probably the best of all worlds.Not sure I could live in same house now as them, they are adults and it's all changed as they are in their 30's now.I don't live on my own, but appreciate how quiet that would make it, I would have to join more clubs etc I think if that happened.I would have been more tactful and understanding of my own Mother if I could go back in time, she died in my 20's and I had left home without a care in the world when I was 17.I never even thought that she may miss me!If I thought anything at all that is.Still, if we produce children eager to go on out into the world, then we have done our job well.

Oh Rose your post made me cry. I spent a few years on my own with my children, after divorce, and we were a very close little team. By the time my DD left home I was with my DP and he laughed at me because I kept her room just the same in case she came back. ! My DSS has just gone to work in Australia and we hear from him more often than we ever did when he was in Manchester

roses; the older I get the sadder I feel about how awful I was to my mum and dad. Can still remember my dad crying the day I left home [men didn't cry in those days].

Anyone who's suffering from ENS, I refer you to my post of almost a year ago (Tue 26-Feb-13 19:08:43). I still hold to what I said then. This is the time for you to be you, maybe discover new things or rediscover things that gave you satisfaction before you got totally bound up in being a mum.

You are of course quite right, annodomini. I tried to plan in advance, I knew how much I would miss him becuse we do get on so well and I remembered how much I missed his sister - still do really and she left 7 years ago.

I have joined another couple of choirs, joined a book club, been finally persuaded to join the WI, and really thought yesterday as we dropped him off that I was doing really well - but then went and spolit it all when I realised we wouldn't be having brekfast together this morning and had a little weep! DBH is not the most social person in the morning and it suddenly dawned on me that I shall never again have someone to discuss the news with, not until at least 11am, and then at the weekend only. I can't think of many people who would want to join me at 7.30am with their poached egg on toast to discuss syrian or ukranian politics.

Of course I shall get used to it, it's just going to be tough over the next few years as he leaves and returns, leaves and returns until finally leaving for ever.

I suppose it's a bit like when your best closest friend moves away. You know that you can stay with each other, but things will never be quite the same again. In the meantime, it's lovely to have somewhere like this where you can get it out of your system and know that some people understand. Others don't, because they had difficult teens and couldn't wait for them to leave, I have quite a few friends like that.

annodomimi is right of course, we were people before we were Mothers.
But can we be the same people, once we have been Mothers?The answer is no. So, we have to take time to get to know ourselves as we are now.However, janerowena I do understand, as my son was just lovely too, I really liked having him around to talk to.He was interested in subjects that my DH wasn't, so when he went to uni. I missed him, then he went to work in the North, then he came back here and got married.Now he has his own family, which is as it should be.We have to learn to be ourselves, which sounds like New Age nonsense, but isn't.It takes time.We have been selfless for so long with our families, and now we don't need to be [not to the same extent.]We should not panic at the void, and not rush to join everything going, but take time to think what do we like now? What will interest us?Take life easy a bit.

Very true roses. We evolve as 'different' people all through life. I coped quite well with the ENS. Luckily, my youngest DD kept returning! DD2 went to Australia when she was 21 and didn't come back - that took some getting used to and now I am finding myself again since being widowed. I feel totally different and in a completely different place. It's just something you have to deal with as and when it happens.

Firstly - roseofmyheart - thinking of you in this anniversary...Pauline sounds like a truly wonderful lady and so dearly loved - with good reason. Nothing can take away those memories, though they are tinged with sadness. Hugs to you. Everyone should have a Pauline! X

roseofmyheart and others - can really identify with the ENS! It's years since our two headed off to university. They both went to university far from home so they would get different experiences and also wouldn't be tempted to rush home if things got grim (and they did, spectacularly for DD2 with her severe mental health problems, self harm and suicide attempts - we nearly lost her on more than one occasion). They both did MAs; both went travelling (not together!), returning home for short periods in between but both aiming to live independently from us as soon as possible.
Each time either of them went away, for a few days I felt bereft: I'd sit in their empty bedroom, sometimes crying, sometimes aching with longing, trying to take comfort from the leftover detritus, the smell, the memories.
It didn't last long each time, and I knew that independence was what we'd wanted for them - it was a perfectly natural progression in life and I wouldn't have had it any other way, even though I missed them being around.
However, it's gradually contributed to my ongoing depression and anxiety - there is still a sense of loss of what was, amazement of how short that family life period truly is. I am now into a new phase of being a grandparent for the first time (since August) and coping with all the joys and difficulties that brings in its wake. I still mourn my loss of role, if I'm honest, and because of anxiety and depression issues I don't find it easy to throw myself into other activities, though I have tried and am still doing so. I joined U3a and a few years back took classes in philosophy and Russian, though I ultimately decided to give those up. I am hoping to join the Gardening group, I go to a Meditation group once a month and Pilates class weekly and DH and I go out during the week for a walk or to visit a National Trust property or nature reserve. I find that going out somewhere helps distract from negative thoughts and rumination.
I'm glad to have joined Gransnet too as it's so helpful to share thoughts and feelings, both positive and negative, knowing that there is someone to listen and to send mutual hugs over the ether!

I started having all those feeling while he was still here, rowantree, so I knew I would be a lost cause. I felt very depressed throughout his past year at school, which is a lovely one. I helped out quite a bit there too, so I have lost that as well, I feel as if I have been made redundant after 29 years of parenting. Still, I try to tell myself that I was lucky to have had a child around and at home for as long as I have, but I do wish my GCs lived nearer.

All the time this past week I have been showing my son how to pay his bills online, telling him to register with a doctor, teaching him a bit more about cooking, I have been smiling but inside I have been shouting No, stay with me safely at home! Yesterday I had to phone him and he was feeling a bit lonely and homesick, as none of his flatmates were back, it was so hard not to get in the car and drive there, which would have been ridiculous! He is normally happy with his own company so I knew he really must be feeling a bit low.

And yes, this morning the last of his dirty laundry went into the machine and I found myself hugging it. Because when I look at my children, I see them superimposed on top of all their past selves, right down to small toddlers.

It's lovely to know that there are others as sad as I am, even if it's not a good thing, because my best friend has four daughters and the age range is the same as for mine, 29 to 18, and she can't get rid of them! Two moved to be nraby and she looks after her GCs, 1 at uni farther away and 1 at uni still living at home. A quiet family day out turns into a circus.

I wouldn't want mine to come home (other than to visit), even though I miss their company loads. And they wouldn't want that either! But I do get very envious of those who still have their children with them. My brother's sons still live at home - the elder son hasn't found a job (in law) and seems happy still living with his parents, and the younger is at university but living at home because he prefers it that way. Our daughters WANTED to live away from home - part of me feels a sense of rejection but another part recognises that this is the natural process of gnawing through the umbilical cord that children do as they grow up and away. I know they love us and I do try not to play the 'needy' mum, but I find there are times I feel jealous if they spend time with other family members when we aren't there. I hide it as best I can because I recognise that it is my problem, not theirs, and I need to work through it somehow. But there's no denying that it's a painful process! Just allow yourself to feel the sadness, janerowena, and the loss - it's something we will all experience to some degree. And we desperately want to know our children are OK, that they are coping, and are happy. I know that if I sense there's something wrong, I feel compelled to try and help - an urge I have to force myself to feel but NOT act on, unless they actually ask for help or support (which doesn't happen often). So what I'm saying is, don't judge yourself for feeling as you do. It's neither good nor bad - it just IS. Go with it, for now; allow it to work itself through. It will change in time, and your sadness will ease. Hugs to you X

Thank you rowantree. I worry more than most because he is highly intelligent but has slight asperger's and bad short-term memory, so it's a bit like soemone with early signs of dementia at times, although you wouldn't notice unless you knew him well. Thankfully he has an excellent sense of humour, but has no idea how to read people's faces. So there is always the worry for me that he will never find a partner and will end up back at home and really, deep-down, I don't want that for him at all as he will be so lonely and we won't be around for ever.

Janerowena, though I don't know exactly how you are feeling, I can recognise much of what you describe. My younger daughter was born with a rare syndrome and also has mental health problems. For years I worried that she wouldn't ever find a partner to love her and was desperately worried about her being lonely. She was bullied at school because of her disability and really struggled - then went through a series of terrible partnerships with unsuitable and in some cases dangerous men before meeting the lovely man she is now with. He saw past the disability and mental health issues, has seen her at her worst and STILL loves her very much. They now have a beautiful baby daughter. DD has lots of health problems but her partner is very supportive and I am so happy for her. My worry now is that her elder sister is single and I am worrying myself silly about her! But my message is - don't assume that because your son has Aspergers, he won't find a partner. There are special people out there who can see past the obvious - and I hope your son meets one of them But I can completely understand your anxiety. I've been there too. It sucks!

jane; if your son's flatmates are anything like the ones my son had at uni he'll be fine. When, a few years later my son had a relationship that went pear shaped, they were still there for him, even though they'd all moved to different parts of the country. And my ex 's best friends are still his mates from uni. Mind you, I remember chatting to my son on the phone one Sunday and he seemed such a long way away; I could hear a church bell ringing in the background and I couldn't quite get my head round the fact he wasn't nearby.

Rowantree your very insightful. I found your post very helpful and this isn't my thread (or whatever the techno phrase is)

Unfortunately tegan my son isn't close to his flatmates, one of them tried to bully him. His differences were spotted quickly but he won't ever explain himself as of course he feels that he is just like everyone else. We sorted out how to deal with it, and I had many sleepless nights over that one, and it worked, but he will never be close to his current flatmates. Hopefully he will have better luck next year. The only flatmate he liked had to move out this month because he gambled away his loan! However he does have nice friends on his course and also from other Cambridge campuses that he has met through joining the officers training corps. Unfortunately, he hasn't a clue if a girl likes him. He is very goodlooking and I have seen girls looking at him and asked who they are, but he just says 'That's so-and-so. She's a friend'. I need one to come along and drag him by the hair into her cave.

You must have had more then your share of worries over the years, rowantree. My daughter's SiL is bi-polar and she lived with her MiL and SiL for a short time while they waited for their house to be finalised. She said that at least once a month an ambulance would have to be called as the SiL once feeling better would always stop taking the tablets. She has a flat of her own but frequently returns home. Sadly she has never found anyone nice, although she is very pretty. Goodness, the whole garden just swayed sideways then... It's a bit windy!