Empty Nest Syndrome

suebailey1 Hugs to you and . That must be so hard. I'm not surprised you're teary - I would be, too. It must hurt a lot. Are you able to tell her that you miss talking to her and miss the closeness you used to have?
And/or would you be able to go and stay for a few days? Not sure how far opp North your daughter's moved - our DD1 is in Norwich which isn't a million miles away, but we still don't see her very much and I do miss her loads. It's harder when there is a partner/OH involved though -( our DD1 is single now but loves living in Norwich.) Fingers crossed for you that you can find ways of lessening the pain.

janerowena Why can't they afford to leave? Is it the job situation?

We lived in Leeds for a few years in the 70s. We loved it there - it was a real eye-opener. My mother had prejudiced me against the North - she was brought up in St Helens during the 20s and 30s - and assumed anything North of Watford Gap was factory chimneys and blackened back-to-backs. Well, there were/are back-to-backs in some areas, but we also found wonderful countryside, interesting towns and cities and lovely friendly people. We had to move back to London for DH's job and tried to return when he applied for a lectureship, but he didn't get it - so we stayed, and though we moved to a leafier suburb in the early 80s, which is on the Kent/Surrey border, we still love returning to visit Yorkshire when we can. And now of course it would be harder to move out - we aren't brilliant at making new friends, I have some close friends locally I would miss terribly, we love the countryside and visiting places of interest not too far away from us, and last but not least, a lot of family in and around London.
And now I've hi-jacked your thread and waffled on about nothing, I'll get me coat and see meself out - not for the first time....

Don't be daft!

DD&Co have a very complicated life that can't really be disturbed for the next couple of years, until she has completed her law degree. 2 jobs, 2 small children with a complicated care network, plus her tutorials,. SiL works for a company that designs racing car seats. He is saving up to start his own company, but that will be some years down the line. He can work anywhere he likes then. However, I'm not holding my breath, they have made a life there and have loads of friends, a good social life (when they can fit it in) and really good support network. Plus all of his family, who are lovely. I think if they had come up here sooner, it would have been fine, but why should they want to leave it just for us? The only reason would be a better house for the same money. Theirs is tiny, I can see it becoming a problem. Even so...

Loved living in Yorkshire and Lincolnshire, but oh the long, long winters... I'm not sorry to see the back of them.

Is there anyone there willing to talk about ENS I need someone anyone please

Ginette - getting older is about losses of one sort or another and we have to adapt to these and see the positives that lie beneath - we also gain in wisdom and a certain sense of "sod it - I will do what I want." You need to cultivate this and see this as an opportunity, which it genuinely is.

When our children leave home they are making the statement that they are now adults - and your relationship with them becomes very different. It takes time for that new relationship to settle down, but that new relationship becomes very precious and just as enjoyable as what went before.

I know from another thread that you need to sort out your relationship with your OH now too - that is so common when the final child leaves. The goalposts and the ground beneath your feet have shifted and it is a time to re-evaluate how you are both going to use this new and exciting phase of your life.

There will be positives, and you will get through this phase - just hang on in there.

What doesn't help is that January is the most depressing month of the year even if you're not feeling fed up about anything.

Ginette; do you like exercise of any kind? Because that would lift you mentally [she says having put off going to the gym yet again ].

My last child going to university coincided with DH going to work away from home so I really had an empty house. My solution was to go out for drinks with friends, meet a sister for lunch once a week and to continue playing badminton. I was never lonely and because I got out and met people I had something to talk about when DH returned home.

Hahahaahahahah Tegan no unfortunately I'm a couch potato due to poor health I just had an operation. I go back to work next Thursday so hopefully I will get back into the swing of things. Thanks mishap too x

Being back at work will help you I am sure, and help to stop you brooding on the gap in your life. You will I am sure find ways of filling that gap - but it does need a conscious decision on your part to do that.

Yes mishap thank you for your support much appreciated, I'm just sad that I allowed myself this defeatist attitude, I used to be so vibrant and went through life mostly happy, never been so low.

It's everything coming all at once then.

DD leaving home
Not sure about your relationship
An operation
It's January
Possibly hormones pulling you down too.

It's not surprising you feel low.

I have another week before DS goes back. I am interested to see how I will feel this time. I now have choir, WI, book club, knitting club and I help out at the school, on top of my part-time work as admin on a forum elsewhere. I don't think I had noticed how many evenings a week DBH was out while DS was at home, because I had him for company and never minded wrangling with him over homework and doing his music practice. Now we are both out several evenings a week and DS is left to clear the dishes as we whizz out the door to whatever we are up to.

I asked the other women tonight what they did outside of work. There was swimming, archery, zumba, yoga, tai chi, most are in book clubs, a couple have parish council duties, several help out at local schools in the evenings that run courses, one plays piano for a jazz band, one is a singer in a dance band (considering having plastic surgery, a very pretty 60 year old) and I was not really surprised after being on here at the breadth of what they had chosen to do.

The motto seems to be - get your OWN life. Be independent of your adult children.

Hi my lovely supporters Mishap and Janerowena, where I am is impossible to find those activities, but once I get back to work hopefully I'll be in a better frame of mind and won't be as low I can slowly look for evening activities as all the ones I've looked into are during the day. Thank you for all the support. Im so grateful.

You are welcome Ginette - it will settle down and you will be able to look at life more positively. Give it time - and make some resolutions as to what you are going to do to build your life up again.

Thanks Mishap, I will try hard to be strong but it will take its course I guess.

Just a quick vent really. No sympathy required. DS goes back tomorrow, we have just emptied the cupboards of all the stuff he eats and we don't, and I had such a pang. I know I will be fine, unlike last year. The long xmas and summer breaks he has are really unhelpful. We slip right back into our companionable relationship, and then I lose him all over again.

I'll just keep reminding myself that

his aim is dreadful
he eats crap
he is very forgetful
when he has finished eating I wish we had a dog to hoover up the crumbs
he never puts the lid back on the toothpaste
his bedroom is a tip
he raids the fridge so often we don't need a light in the kitchen

I sympathise and I appreciate everyone's situation is different but I also envy empty nesters whose DC are away at uni or in another part of the country. My ds will shortly leave for New Zealand and I dread him going. He has lived over there before and returned home for a short time but will return to live in NZ permanent ly. All the Skype and email in the world does not really help in my experience. I worry how I will be when he goes again as I found it so difficult the first time. I never say anything to anyone though and will just have to keep smiling and get on with it. What else can I do.

I dread my DS doing something like that, I do feel for you. From when he was fifteen and said one day that he would never work abroad, because he would hate to leave us, he now says things like 'Maybe I could get some work in Japan'. Of course we want them to do well, to have a good job, to enjoy their lives. But oh the pain.

My inlaws loved it over there, they went for a month just before the earthquake. I think they were tempted to move.

When I was a young mum several of our friends worked abroad for long periods of time and did very well for themselves financially; most of them are now back living in this country and are much better off than we would have been [my husband and I did spit up but still wouldn't have been in their position now]. We didn't want to take the children away from their schools and relatives etc. I do tell both of my children to consider moving abroad if ever they get the opportunity as I'd hate them to miss an opportunity to be better off when they're older. Having said that, it would break my heart if they did so, but I think we made a terrible mistake by not going [engineers are appreciated so much more in other countries ].

Thank you for your sympathy janerowena. I never tell anyone how i really feel for some reason and all my family think im fine with it. We did visit him a couple of years ago and it really helped seeing him in that lovely country with so many more opportunities than here in the uk. I dont blame him for wanting to live there. I just wish i could afford to visit him sometimes.

I don't tell anyone in my family either. Not even DBH really. He knows I was sad but I never let on last year how really depressed I was. I knew I shouldn't be, I had worked hard for him to be independent and it was illogical. But hormones or whatever kicked in I suppose. I also didn't want DBH to think he wasn't as important to me as DS.

Its a strange thing. Its like if you tell someone it makes it more real. I cant put it into words but i know what you mean .My colleagues/friends at work said they noticed a real change in me but no one else close to me, husband, sister, mother realised. Sad really. But then i would hate to appear vulnerable or not capable so its my own fault really.

Sorry to offload - a couple of glasses of wine on a Friday night and i come over all emotional!

Well, when he goes you can talk on here about it; it's amazing how good it is to offload things on gransnet. We think, when we give birth to our children, they are seperate from us the minute the umbilical cord is cut but I've found that, over the years it seems to be cut in stages each time they become more independant . And when they're grown up it's like when they're little and they fall over and hurt themselves and we have to be really brave for them and say they're alright really.

That's very true. We dropped DS off in Cambridge today, took all his computer and clothes and food in, then out for a late lunch during which I completely forgot he wouldn't be coming back with us. Then we left the restaurant and instead of walking across Parker's Piece, he followed us back to the carpark, I just thought he was being companionable, but, he forgot he wasn't coming back with us too! I did laugh, we gave him a lift back to his house.

Now, the house is empty, DBH is outside in his study, the fridge and cupboards are bare of anything I can nibble (I send it all back with him)and the diet is upon me again.

No, I don't want to appear vulnerable either. I know exactly what you mean there. I'm worried I might be set adrift on an ice floe or something - as being way past my usefulness!