Depression, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy

Grindos, Grannyknot, ffinnochio - Writing is something that has been suggested to me previously and I have made sporadic efforts at it, but it's a good idea to do it regularly and it's something I could make the effort to do as a 'new year/new me' resolution. I used to write poems - well, nothing earth-shattering, more akin to angsty stuff teenagers write that you wouldn't show anyone, but I did write them at times in my life when I was going through particularly painful episodes, especially after our daughter's suicide attempts. Haven't come across The Artist Way but will look for that on the dreaded Amazon. I used to love textile art and would really like to get back into it, but loss of confidence after the split with my friend and business partner several years ago has shut off the creative urges. I am trying to re-kindle them again, bit by bit, and I meet every few weeks with a few other like-minded ladies to encourage each other in our respective crafts. So far, they've all been far more productive and creative than I have, but I am starting to work on something I never finished (I have so many UFOs (UnFInished Objects) waiting for attention.Also ffinochio and Rosesarered - what you'veboth said makes perfect sense. You're so right that the negativity is habit-forming. I don't like it, not at all - but I don't know any other way to be at the moment. I will persevere with this therapy for the time being, because right now there is no other option (I've 'had' CBT, psychodynamic, counselling, you name it - my psychiatrist has diagnosed me with Unstable Mood disorder (aka Borderline PD!) simply because some of my symptoms fit and in order that I might benefit from Mentalisation-Based Therapy. I have serious doubts about the diagnosis, as does my husband, and the jury's still out on the therapy (8 months into it and I feel no better at all). But I don't give up on things easily and I've got this far, so will wait till the next review and see what happens then.
I am also going to re-start practising Mindfulness which makes so much sense to me. FFinochio, I am on medication - it seems to help a little - can't take other SSRI drugs because of interaction on other meds, but I take the maximum allowed dose of Mirtazapine and am hoping it will take the edge off the worst of the depression (it does booger all for the anxiety, though).
Finally, Soop - thank you again I do hope my 'day will come...' I haven't given up yet!

Out of the blue, I just received a chain email from a friend. I usually ignore them - but the quote it contained was this:
"Today may there be peace within. May you trust that you are
> exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite
> possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use
> the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given
> to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this
> knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing,
> dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

Thank you all for the lovely kind words. I really regretted posting last night because I didn't want Rowantree to feel I was trying to diminish her problems. I know they are real and heartfelt and I didn't want to belittle them.

When I looked this morning and saw such kindness I was in tears.

All the family arriving but now they know and are full of support so we will get through. Holiday in the sun booked for early Jan & we've been told to take it. Maybe rum punches will provide a cure

Thank you all again, especially Rowantree

And soop you must be the most loved member of Gransnet you radiate love and compassion.

ffinnochio thumbs up emoticon. It helped my son through some dark days, and he still does 'the morning papers' from time to time.

gk I worked through The Artist Way quite some years ago (and still have it), and as well as the creativity it engendered, it was an excellent discipline.

I agree that writing (and reading) can be very therapeutic. this book ("The Artist's Way" is a guided workbook for dealing with problems through creativity. Rowantree you are very eloquent.

ffinnochio I think you're right about our feelings being a habit - the devil you know. In fact, my Mindfulness teacher said it's easier to go back to your sad old ways than work at changing. I've found that to be true.
Rowantree - I have a suggestion for you, start writing. Anything at all, what you may consider any old rubbish. You will probably find yourself writing stories and it is amazingly therapeutic. I expect you will write some really good stuff and feel very proud of yourself. I have done quite a lot of writing and what comes out of my head surprises me. You might give it a try.
God bless us, everyone!

Rowantree I believe you have done a good thing here by opening your heart on the forum, look how many people feel similar to you!So, the answer is that in the main, there is no 'normal' we just all plod on doing what we can.We all [or most of us] have emotional baggage, usually to do with childhood.Some of us hide it better than others, that's all.Do we push it down deep or bring it out for an airing?We can all be envious, but often the friends who tell us how socially busy they are maybe just trying to prove to the world how popular they are?I am not all that fond of social stuff, am not shy though, and sometimes enjoy things once I make the effort to go.
There are problems in everyones life, it's just all a question of 'degrees' as someone on here has already said.I have mixed feelings about therapy and think it can do more harm than good in some cases, and as Freud once said 'sometimes a cigar is just a cigar!' I am becoming more of a fan of 'silence' as I get older [not loneliness, that's a different thing.]
We don't need to fill up the void with 'stuff'.

Rowantree. You've written a lovely post to soop - so go get a pen and paper and write to yourself in a similar vein. You write well.

What I'm going to say now is said with personal insight.

Depression aside (and the good thing is you're functioning - hence the posts on GN), but I wonder if the place you're in at the moment with the negative self-chatter, anxiety and judgemental attitude towards yourself, the continuous low self-esteem, may possibly be your comfort zone. It's a place you know, and can almost become habit forming. It can be very scary and difficult to step out of that place and change, because it's can be like stepping out into a void. Do try to take that first step and grab onto life, otherwise you may find yourself in a perpetual downward cycle. Get something for your depression if possible.

You've already said something positive about yourself in how you coped with your past and did well with your family.

Continue with counselling/ therapy if you can. It's not a walk in the part - it's not meant to be - but with the right person you may find a way out of this place you're stuck in. Only you can take responsibility for your happiness. It's like learning a new skill - it takes time and patience.

Take care.

Rowantree You have expressed yourself eloquently. I found your comment..."Me and my old man, we didn't do too badly, in the end" to be most enlightening. You have faced and overcome more than anyone's fair share of traumas and heartache. That, my dear Rowantree makes you special. Believe in yourself...just a little more with each passing day. Your day will come.

Sel, just wanted to say that I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are. Bless you and your husband.

Soop - I read your post with awe and much admiration. To turn yourself around from the dark place you were has taken courage - in spades; determination, insight, love and a whole lot more besides. It's wonderful that you are now able to love yourself - that's after all what we all need to learn to do, though some of us can manage that better than others.

I haven't said that much about my childhood and adolescence, partly because I don't want to re-hash things yet again. It would be very satisfying to say, 'The past is done with - now for the present!' and mean it, as you do. You have much to teach and show; and I have much to learn from your example.

Having said that, it's a truism to say we're all different - our life experiences, our genetic makeup, ability to bounce back, to deal with adversity. Even though I am struggling emotionally now, I think that years ago, I dealt well with some of what life gave me; at least, where it pertained to my children and family. I was able to put aside my own issues and focus entirely on ensuring they had the happiest and best possible family life despite the many problems with our daughter's syndrome. Me and me old man, we didn't do too badly, in the end! Your sons have assured you that you are very much loved and that you matter: testament to the love and security you gave them as children, surely. And I am so glad that you have a lovely and loving life partner to share your journey with
I am intrigued by the old lady in your hospital ward too. She sounds an amazing person and how I'd have loved to have met her too. She was there at exactly the right time for you and you were at a place where you were able to benefit from what she said.
I hope you're able to have a lovely and loving Christmas.

Sel wishing you and DH strength and a positive outcome. You know we are here if you need to rage!

soop (((hugs)))

Rowantree you have had lots of good advice on here and I hope you find some of it useful.

Sel - so sorry that you and your DH have all this to face. Wishing you both courage fr the weeks to come.

Sending a (((hug))) soop because you are a very special person.

Soop Rowantree Sel you are all amazing and I doff my cap to you. .

Sel You are in my thoughts. I wish that these were real. x

Rowantree You ask me what changed my life around.
I shall try to make sense of what has, for me, been a long and anguished journey.
As a child I longed for love. The love of a close family always seemed to be for others. I always felt "left out" and found it very difficult to make friends...thus loneliness sent me searching for attention in inappropriate places.
I married my one and only boyfriend when I was still a child. I started a family far too soon. Ultimately the marriage broke down. I sought solace in the arms of unsuitable men. Believing that, because they found me attractive, they loved me. Nothing could have been further from the truth. When at last I remarried, I imagined that my troubles were behind me. Sadly, that was not the case. I did my best but it wasn't good enough. The marriage failed. I regarded myself as a complete and utter waste of space. I lurched from one affair to the next...losing all respect for myself in the process. My heart was broken that many times, I thought that I was being punished for my "sins."
Twenty five years ago, I met a lovely man and, although I was terrified that I may be embarking on yet another mistake, when he proposed marriage, I accepted. He was unlike the other men that I found to be so attractive. He cared about me. He stood firm whilst I sorted out all the emotional baggage I felt compelled to hump around. I had some awfully low days. I hated the women that I had been...he impressed upon me that I should ditch that other me...and concentrate on beginning to like the person I had become.
I began to look beyond myself. Made an effort to get to know and understand other people. I had heart-to-heart talks with my wonderful sons. They impressed upon me that I mattered and that I was loved. I eventually sought the help of an understanding GP. He diagnosed Clinical Depression and prescribed Fluoxitine. Gradually, the medication and seeds of belief [in myself] began to make an impact for the better. I joined Gransnet. I was fortunate enough to discover several new cyber friends. What's more, one in particular, has become very dear to me and we meet whenever we're able.
My last stay in hospital was cathartic. For the umpteenth, and last time, I opened my heart to an elderly patient with a razor-sharp mind. She listened. She understood me. She pushed me in the direction of a brand new outlook. It was, almost miraculous that she and I shared a ward. I have dumped all that was negative about the perceptions I've believed to be true. Those perceptions were false. I am worthy. I am decent. I am capable of making other people happy. I am reaching out to others, at long last. I shall never return to the place where I was a broken person. Dear Rowantree my wish is that you too may find peace.

Sel sending my very best wishes and the strength to get you through this difficult time

Dear Sel , sending love across the miles to you both .x

Sel and ((hugs))

Sel, I am truly sorry for this devastating news about your husband. Like others here, I wish you continued courage and strength to cope and I hope that the future isn't as bleak as it appears.

While I can understand your understandable irritation with people like me whose problems don't appear 'real' because they are of the mind - and I struggle constantly with my own guilt arising from that, believe me... It's easy to judge them as of the sufferer's own making, but the added burden of guilt does little to help and it is as untrue as judging an organic illness or condition to be of the sufferer's own making.

My issues aren't simply about perceived 'slights' or speculations, they are complex and long-standing problems I struggle with and I wake most morning feeling either low or anxious, often without knowing why. Those like me with mental health problems do not, ever, have them as a lifestyle choice. I cannot stress this enough.

I am no stranger to difficult life scenarios either: for instance, our younger daughter was born with a rare genetic syndrome, undiagnosed until recently, leading to multiple health problems, major surgery, mental health problems and serious ill health. We had decisions to make over the years which were life-shattering for all of us - including whether or not to go for leg-lengthening surgery (agonisingly painful and long-term) or straight for amputation of her leg. We also lived through her mental health problems, suicide attempts (two of which were almost fatal and would have been, were it not for my intuition). We came through all of that and more and she is now coping well and has a partner who loves her and a baby. And that makes it even more bitter and (ironic?) for me that now, when my life is so much easier, I am struggling to enjoy and make the most of the good things in my life when I would truly love to do so.

I can't begin to imagine your pain, Sel, but I hope you have love and support along the way. There's very little that anyone's said in judgement that I haven't previously said to myself in despair or frustration, believe me. All I ask is that you do not judge me too harshly for my pain which is as real for me as yours is for you.

Sel, my heart goes out to you.

Sel, I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you are able to get help from your local hospice. I don't know how DH and I would have coped with this last year without their support. They are still helping me now since his death. You are absolutely right that in the face of huge challenges everything else ceases to seem so important. I hope I can remember this in future if I get caught up in worrying about the trivial.
Rowantree, I hope that as others have said you are able to be kind and gentler with yourself.

Sel a very moving and thoughtful post.