Alcoholism

Anniebach,so sorry to hear of the terrible time you are having.I have no experience of alcoholism but I have experienced the sense of helplessness when trying to help an adult child.My daughter attempted suicide 9 years ago next week.Thankfully she survived and has since recovered from the severe depression and anxiety attacks which drove her to it.Thoughts are with you and your family and I hope things start to get better for you all soon x

I'm so sorry to read this Anniebach and can only send hugs and sympathy to you. I think my ex had a drink problem that I didn't really realise at the time and I've known a few other people that were alcoholics, they were highly intelligent, dear, sweet people; I had a gut feeling at that it was their sensitivity that drove them to drink.

Anniebach

My youngest daughter is married to an alcoholic. She is 47, he is nearly 57, and although they`ve been together for about 18 years, they only married just over 2 years ago. They have a 17 year old son. She mentioned something about his drinking a few weeks ago, I asked why she`d married him if things were so bad, and she said it wasn`t as bad then. He never appears drunk, but she says he shakes terribly in the mornings till he`s had his first drink of the day. He has seen a counsellor, but won`t go to group meetings like AA, and his doctor has told him, a few months ago now, that if he`s lucky, he`ll live another 10 years at most, because he also suffers from pancreatitis. In all other ways, he`s a great person, but we worry for our daughter.

Annibach (((hugs))) It does seem there are a number of people on here who have had this awful experience and can offer you support.

Anniebach, my Ex. I know how tiring, exhausting, all-consuming it is, I so feel for you, and for her. Please don't enable her, you will just prolong the agony. You can't help, she needs to decide that she wants to change. My daughter lives near Ex and he has recently started drinking again, it's really tough on her. She's almost at breaking point over it because his partner is talking of throwing him out and she knows she would feel that she would have to take him in.

I hope you have an Alanon nearby, at the time I needed one my nearest was hours away, there were so few branches. I would have loved to have someone to talk to. Don't go down the route of blaming yourself, either. I have heard of families locking their children in summerhouses and sheds in an effort to keep them safe and try to dry them out, I can only sympathise with them. My own BiL ended up in The Priory for almost a year. He was wealthy and could afford it, he loved it so much he didn't want to come out. My poor sister meanwhile was run ragged trying to sort out the mess he had left behind. Needless to say, they are no longer together, particularly once she found out about the £500 a night female companions and three girlfriends...

I listened to a lecture once given by several alcoholics. One young woman was very much like your daughter. She said that what she had hated most was when people said that they wanted her/her life to return to how it used to be, but that was what she had hated. She had always felt she had to be a high-flyer, and she could no longer cope and didn't want to disappoint anyone. Once they stopped saying that, she felt the pressure was off and she could relax and just 'be'. No more trying to be the best, no more trying to produce wonderchildren.

Oh Annie I read your post with tears in my eyes.

My DH was in your position as he watched me spiral into self destruction. All I can say is that there is a way back from the brink but unfortunately only your daughter can take the first step into recovery.

Pm me if you want to, I'm not at home though for a while and only have sporadic internet access but I will check as often as I can.

Annie you are NOT wallowing in self pity. How you have coped this far shows what a strong person you are. My father was an alcoholic as I have mentioned before on GN. As children we would watch him beat our mother, he beat my older sister so severely on one occasion that her hair fell out. He beat me up on one occasion when I was 11 and I had to have weeks off school I was so badly cut and bruised. We used to have kids knocking on our door saying 'your dad is lying in the gutter outside covered in blood' as he had been in a drunken brawl. He would sometimes go months without a drink when life was a bit better but he always went back to it. He came from a large, respectable family, he was the only one who drank. I got out as soon as I could, but it must be so more heartbreaking when it is your child. I hope posting it here has helped in some way and I hope you find a solution for your daughter

Annie apologies mis-read the self pity part. I know that you are not.

baubles Well done.

Anniebach my heart goes out to you. I have a child who is an alcoholic too. BUT they are in recovery now and have not drunk for over a year. The others are right, the first step has to come from them. If I can help in any way PM me.

Annie's daughter is asking for help. So is it about now throwing her that lifeline - finding the right treatment or support or group?

I realise how complex a problem it is.

Anniebach I was so very sorry when I read your post. What a dreadful situation for your DD, you and your family.

I hope posting on GN and knowing you have support here will help a bit.

I don't really know what to say, no idea why I opened up as I did, i don't talk about my daughter, I don't leave the house now, I think my younger daughter asking me to move to Lincolnshire to get away from the stress may have triggered my outburst . Some of you have your own pain yet you have all been so caring.
My frustration over patient confidentiality is not because I want to ask questions, I know my daughter is not being honest with them because she can't cope with the truth. Yes she drinks to take away the pain of the guilt she feels leaving her family and she tells them this but not the rest.

I have spoken to A A, and they were kind but I don't know one person who has this illness in their family and there are things I don't understand . One of my sisters has the wedding of her granddaughter in September, I know they are in a panic over invites, my granddaughters were going to be bridesmaids but this has been dropped, I know why, the girls don't , everyone is walking on egg shells . I have developed agoraphobia, how weak is that? . So my younger daughter wants me to leave all this behind and go into old age without all the stress. My son in law is spoiling the girls and this isn't good for them. My family which was always so close - a welsh extended family! - has fallen apart and I ask was my one sister correct when she said it was my fault because being a one parent family I spoilt my girls to compensate for the loss of their father?

When my daughter walked away from her family she sobbed and said ' Mum please look after my children as you looked after us '

I have talked too much sorry, it's all been building up for five years

I thank you all so much, I haven't received such kindness throughout all this
Thank you x

It's good to hear that talking helped. My heart goes to you. I am no expert, but it does seem that many relatives do protect their alcoholics, cover for them, make excuses for them- and in a way, out of kindness, helps them to continue in their ways. It is the hardest thing to do as a parent, to say NO- even harder when they are adults, and when we allow guilt for whatever to take over.

One thing is for sure, it is not possible to help an alcoholic who won't be helped. So perhaps your younger daughter is hard to take you away from it all- and it is best (even if the hardest thing to do, as said) to take a step back.

Again, my heart goes out to you. xhug

Anniebach Please please, It is not your fault, I blamed myself for my Ex being an alcoholic, a lovely Psychiatrist sat me down and explained it all to me, It is never anyone else's fault. Please believe that

Have a good old wallow. It's not self pity. It's despair and exhaustion. It must be the worst type of pain watching your child destroying their once good life and being unable to do anything about it. Worrying about the affect on your grandchildren. On top of all this knowing another child is suffering too.i can offer no advice or even comfort. But if it helps to pour it out here while bawling your eyes out then that's o.k. You'll pick yourself up, dust yourself down and stand tall tommorow. I really hope things might improve for you and your girls. Hold on tight you are not alone. (((((hug)))))

So many people don't understand, how can they when they haven't experienced it for themselves, even your sisters. They are looking out for their own children, not for your granddaughters. I know it must make you feel awful when your daughter askes for help, but if it's financial or doing anything that enables her to continue leading her current life then you mustn't, and maybe you do need to move away. It certainly sounds as if you need to get away for at least a month, just to have a break. I moved in with a friend who had a large house, to see how I got on. It was wonderful. I never went back, especially when I heard that he invited all of his friends over for a party and the house was trashed.
She needs to get into rehab, doesn't she.

To anyone having problems with someone's drinking, I would say please, please try Al-Anon. There are people to talk to on the phone if you can't get to a meeting. It helped me enormously.
And as for definitions of alcoholism - the best one I ever found was that a person is an alcoholic (or has a problem, if you prefer that terminology) if alcohol costs them more than money. If it starts to cost health, family relationships, job, self-esteem, whatever - it's a problem. By that definition, exactly how much or how often a person drinks becomes irrelevant.It's the outcomes that matter.
Love to all who are struggling with this problem.

Annie I know people who got a lot of benefit from going along to AlAnon. Being with people in the same boat who they could identify with and will care and understand what you are going through was a great help and comfort to them. Others I know were helped to understand more about this illness by seeing a councillor but, specifically a councillor who was a recovering alcoholic. There is no one to blame for this Annie. It's no one's 'fault'. No one else's words or deeds make someone become an alcoholic. Sadly those who look for reasons or blame will say this kind of thing but it is through ignorance or understanding the cause of alcoholism.

If I had the power to do more for you and your daughter, I would do it in a heartbeat but this can only come from her, she must make the first move to want sobriety and so, so many people do reach a point when they realise I've got to change this around. I hope with all me heart your daughter feels this soon, for herself, and, when this begins, the rest of her family will heal too.

You are in no way responsible for this Annie. Look after yourself and never give up hope. My thoughts are with you.

I think that seeing her do so well after the ten days in hospital was a glimpse of the person she use to be , I must hold onto this, that lovely daughter is still there , some where. I know she has to do it for herself.

The constant fear does grind me down , but I don't feel so alone now, over the five years family and friends have become distant, supportive at first but life goes on and this I understand .

I am so grateful to you all and thankful that I found the courage to reach out to you x

Knowing she did so well has also given your daughter a glimpse too, that it is possible to,get well and you are there for her. It won't happen overnight but it is a good start.

Hope you feel a bit more positive. Love to you both.

Anniebach regarding patient confidentiality, my GP was happy for me to give him information about Husbands drinking habit, as long as I didn't expect to be told anything about his conversations with him.I knew he would not be getting the full picture from Husband, and thought he should know.However, this was a GP in a small practice , that we saw fairly regularly at the time.

Ps I do hope things improve for you and your daughter, and hope someone is giving you help,for your agrophobia.

Anniebach - just read your story and I don't know what to say, except to confirm the advice about AlAnon. I think we suffer more when sharing our childrens' problems than about our own.
Our family have come through problems connected with alcohol - it's a battle that continues.