DH diagnosed with cancer - why am I so calm?

First of all my commiserations - this has been, is and will continue to be a hard time for you both. I hope you have every confidence in the people treating your DH as you willl be seeing a lot of them and they will be a big part of your life. Why have you not fallen apart? I imagine that you are finding strenths you maybe didn't know you had. Cancer IS no longer the death sentence it was years ago, the "big C" that people were afraid to even say out loud. When DH was diagnosed with Lymphoma 5 1/2 years ago I had several wobbles but took great comfort in knowing that something was going to be done and the specialists were brilliant at being absolutely straight wth DS and me. I admit it came as a shock to realise this was indeed what I had signed up for when I took my marriage vows. I wish you strength, compassion from your friends, patience becsuse you are in for the long haul but most of all a positive outcome for your DH .

Not DS! DDs! Sorry girls!

Thank you Soutra - most appreciated. Yes I have had a few wobbles, but kept only when by myself. We know we are in for a long haul but hopefully with a positive outcome. All health professionals we have had dealings with so far have been kind, honest, efficient and compassionate. We have never, in 9 or so appointments, been kept waiting for even 5 minutes over our appointment time. My DD has said 'mum you have had so much c**p in your life you have had plenty of practice. Maybe she is right.

Katy, sorry to hear your news, and good that you are in a calm place at the moment. My brother in law had the same diagnosis 4 1/2 years ago. His was advanced, had spread to his bones in various parts of his body. He was put on hormone treatment only. Recently, his psi rates were a bit up, and another treatment's been added. He is well, gets more tired than he did, but he is 67, and a type 2 diabetes person as well. But, he enjoys life, comes to all the family get togethers, loves going out for lunch etc. Walks his lovely little dog, and generally is getting on with it.
My sister has had more than her fair share of life's challenges, and like you, found herself much calmer than she'd anticipated.
We have a close friend, same advanced prostate cancer diagnosis 2 years ago. Hormone treatment, he and his partner are just back from a walking holiday in Spain.

Sending best wishes, and I do hope your husband's experience is similar to the personal ones I've share. Aren't we lucky with our NHS

There's nothing worse than not knowing something but knowledge is empowerment in it's way. It's so true that cancer is now a treatable condition. The good news is that it hasn't spread but, even if it had it's not the end of the world. And the best way to treat it is by being positive and optimistic. Having said all that, you are still being very brave but it means he's got you fighting his corner as well.

Thanks everyone. My DH has type 2 diabetes as well. He looks a picture of health. He is slim and tanned after his holiday - strange isn't it? Our research tells us this is a very treatable cancer, and we have to go with that. The lovely doctor said ' we are not just looking to treat, we are looking to cure in this instance'

That's fantastic from the doctor Katy - the progress in treatments for prostate cancer is brilliant isn't it.

Brave lady. Isn't it amazing what strengths we have when we need it. I wish you, your husband and family well. I hope is recovery is speedy and he fully recovers. Take care of yourself though.

Hope everything goes well KatyK what a worrying time for you.

The prognosis this days with no spread is very good

Remember that a woman is like a teabag- you don't know how strong she can be until she is in hot water!

I can understand exactly how he feels. Some people like to talk about it, perfectly understandably, and others prefer to keep it to themselves, but well done you for supporting him in wanting to keep it to himself.

I remember a friend telling me her father had been diagnosed with prostate cancer and that must have been about 15 years ago - saw him striding up through the town the other day. He must be nearly 80 by now. His had not spread and he had hormone treatment.

Thank you all for your lovely comments. You are very kind. I know it will be fine in the end but we just have to get the next few months over. I too have spoken to lots of people who know someone who has been through it and is fine now. DH is a very positive person and won't tolerate weeping and wailing. Obviously I have been worried witless inwardly but now just need to get him through. Thanks again lovely people.

My DH had prostate cancer when quite young. He had his prostate removed and hopefully is fine now. We know of at least 3 much older friends who have prostate cancer for over 20 years. This is something that you can have and live with for a long time and it sounds as though your DH has a good prognosis. I wish you both well

Katy can I ask, at what point was cancer mentioned ?

DH is waiting to have an enlarged prostate removed any day now. I assume they will be testing it. So far cancer has not been mentioned and he has had no tests apart from physical examination.

Everything seems to have been said Katy so I'd just like to remind you that we are here for you if you need us! Make sure you look after yourself.

Nina

Katy it is very treatable. I know people who've been through this and I know you and DH, like them, will come through this. Just hang on in there.

Nina I think you need to ask your medical professionals some searching questions so you understand what's what.

Katy, your reaction was completely normal in the circumstances. Often when something truly catastrophic happens, but where we have to actively respond and act, somehow an aura of calm descends and we think and act calmly and sensibly. I think it is an in built sense of self-preservation, an instinctive response not make a bad situation worse.

When the police rang us to say DD had been seriously injured in a road accident. Our immediate response was to sit quietly for several minutes and then think through our actions. As DD is single and lives alone we knew she would need us to support her so we would need to pack bags with all we needed for several days, send emails to cancel appointments and meetings for the same period. On hearing the news both of our minds became absolutely clear with clear plans of action.

I often look back at the calm way we took the news and thought through what to do with amazement. The only conclusion I can come to do is that in a real crisis like this sense of self-preservation takes over and it is not so much acting like a robot but acting on autopilot.

Other friends we know have said the same thing about their response to news like yours, and worse.

I also think it is in our nature as women (apologies to men who share this strength) to think practically - as mothers we are wired to protect our offspring and so a reaction can kick in whereby we are able to think along the lines of " OK what sm I/ are we or you going to do about it". That is not to say there are not moments where you juyt go into the garden or take the dog to a quiet field and howl but on the whole I have found that all that I get from weeping and wailing is a migraine. You are doing brilliantly hang on in there and remember that there are sisterly shoulders on GN when you need to let off steam or just need a hug.

Nina - you ask at what point cancer was mentioned. DH's only symptom was that he was getting up several times in the night to go to the toilet. There was a press campaign at the time re prostate cancer and he realised this was one of the symptoms. He went to GP, who examined him, said his prostate seemed a slightly irregular shape and sent him for a blood test. The blood test showed higher than normal PSA levels which the GP said may or may not mean cancer. He then had a biopsy, which showed cancer cells. I am no expert (but probably will be at the end of this) but I have heard of men having enlarged prostates and it has nothing to do with cancer. DH's was not particularly enlarged. I hope all goes well for your DH. I think it is a good thing to get the pesky thing removed. They wouldn't remove DH's for some reason, he really wanted it out but it wasn't feasible. Thanks again everyone.

It is very treatable - I have several friends who have done very well indeed.

Your calmness does you credit - and is probably entirely appropriate, as the treatments are so good now.

I think men should automatically get the offer of a PSA test after an appropriate age. DH pesters to have his done regularly as it is on the high side.

Good karma to you and hubby across the miles KATY.
x

Thank you Nonu. Kitty - I agree with you. DH's doctor said he believes there could be thousands of men in this country who have this disease and are unaware of it