Independent living?!

Mum was in a sheltered accommodation flat for many years, they had a live in Manager for the block but they had no responsibility for any kind of care. We were nearby and it worked well for most of the time, each Manager decided for themselves what they were prepared to do, say change a light bulb or a little shopping if they were out. When we finally needed extra help it just never seemed to get organised properly and made the last weeks very difficult, the only person who came when asked was the GP.

I do agree that I wish families took more care of their old relatives . We are very lucky that although she has "lost the plot" a bit, my mum is as gentle and sweet as she was , my brother lives with her and I am 15 minutes away . Between us and a daily Carer and weekly cleaner we care for her . She is now 95 and sleeps most of the day but still enjoys family visits with all the grandchildren and little great grandchildren .But I have a friend who also has a mother with dementia , she is very unpleasant and is quite vicious towards my friend .She is still cared for at home with 3 times a day Carer ( private) . My friend is beside herself with stress and anxiety about her mother, but has visited a few care homes catering for people with dementia and cannot bring herself to put her into one .Yep Switzerland here I come, or just stop taking my blood pressure tablets , although I will probably just have a stroke and then not be able to get to Switzerland ! We just all live too long .

The state cannot replace the family and we see the results all around us, but the family itself is weakened by the pressures of modern society. This is too big an issue to go into here, and I am just hoping that the value of my small house in a poor neighbourhood will cover the cost of a care home if/when the time comes, and regret that this sill leave my sons with nothing since, due to no fault of their own, they will not be able to help me.

radicalnan that is the most exciting of ends! I have always fancied being struck by lightning in a beautiful garden at a point where I am just reaching a loss of faculties bad enough to warrant getting fed up with life. However - your plans have much more drama, and what a lovely story for the grandchildren to relay down the years.

I worked as a community carer for years until at age 61 I couldn’t continue for health reasons. The company I worked for have a brilliant ethic and do all possible to provide good reliable care for their clients. My fellow carers were on the whole dedicated and caring people who went the second mile for the clients. We were genuinely fond of the people we cared for. We are not all losers who can’t get a ‘proper’ job. I have a first class degree, and I’m not the only one who does. I know there are some carers and companies who fall well short of a good standard, but please don’t tar us all with the same brush. I loved my time visiting the elderly and met some great characters. I miss them a lot. Lucky for me I can work part time as a ‘sitter’ giving family carers a break now and then. The pay is crap but that doesn’t matter to me.

This is a difficult situation for so many people. We are caught in the middle! We moved back to the Midlands from the south coast. A bad move for me as I don’t like living here. My children are all in the south, I look after one grandchild for a week each month to give his granny a break and help out with another. Lots of travelling every month. My in laws are 89 and 88 and live ten minutes away from us. I want to move back to the south but H is having to help his parents. My FIL came out of hospital yesterday after a month, no care package, he was told it would take another week and basically he would be bed blocking. MIL says she can’t cope but won’t say what she can’t cope with! He is mobile with a frame, does his own personal care and can get himself up and to bed. They have a cleaner, gardener, laundry collected and delivered, chairs that help them stand, online food delivery and a seat and grab rail in the shower. We don’t know what else to do, H, with the agreement of his two brothers has taken the car keys away from his father as he’s not safe on the road, so that has caused more problems, we are now expected to run them around as they refuse to use taxis. They can afford them with no problem. They have told us that we cannot move and that I have to “grin and bear it”. They are very forceful people too and I’m no good at standing up for myself! I do feel for you Jane10, it’s so hard to know what to do for the best. I hope something more reliable is sorted for your neighbour as soon as possible.

Whether it's the UK or the US, the stories are sadly familiar.

Don't know if there's similar in the UK, but an Adult Day Care Center (government subsidized) can be a useful adjunct solution.

Two or three times a week (or even a 5 day week), your loved one is collected by bus or transport in the morning and spends a half or a full day engaged in supervised group activities where they get to interact with other seniors.

They are also given their medications, a hearty lunch and/or light snacks and the transport brings them back at the end of the day.

It's not full time care by any means, but it does lift some of the weight off, especially for working families.

Thank goodness she has good neighbours. That’s really upset me reading your post how very sad.

It does state that the person is determined to stay at home.
The last few years of my mums life were awful: falls, injuries, and so on, but it wasn't because we didn't care..

Suers it is heartening to read your post. Thank you.

Gillybob.
Quote' the situation is much different/harder now than what it was. I agree .What do you suggest might be the cause and the answer.?
The current Social Servis's 'situation' did not take place overnight.
Why, or even more so, WAS it allowed to happen and reach a stage where so many are now suffering its
consequences.
I am sick to the teeth hearing 'we are living longer' Is this living longer unique to the 21C.?Having researched my family history I had observed many of my past relatives maternal and paternal had reached the grand old age of seventy five and even eighty. My own gr maternal and paternal grandparents were ninety one and ninety nine when they passed on. It appears that were you to survive childbirth and your children got through childhood diseases and you survived wars then you had every chance of living longer So what is new.
21C this country is vastly becoming over populated and the Social Care situation which sadly, I can only refer to as dire, has NOT developed overnight.
If those who insist on passing the buck onto the elderly can get their heads out of the sand remember it was the 21c elderly over years of employment, many leaving school at fourteen, who had contributed most likely until pensionable age to the welfare state and its services.The UK should now be giving to these elderly the benefits of their contributions so why then are Social Services now finding itself in the position of not being able to fulfil its obligations.?
There are those in need who may only have elderly relatives who should not in this day and age have to shoulder full responsibility for this care.
By giving a decent wage would surely encourage more folk to take on a task, that is not always violets and roses, and would ensure our elderly are given the help they need and a quality of life so many are being denied.
For those who have had the misfortune to experience delays in their daily care it is not always the fault of the carers It is not unknown for these persons to be delayed through 'out of their control situations' where the medical services had to be called. .

My mother has suffered with Parkinsons for the last 15 years and my father was her carer. Because he didnt want "strangers" in the house he would not allow carers in. Only after my mam was in hospital for god knows how many times after falls etc did he agree to some help, but even then he wasnt happy and complained about "those people". He became ill himself and had a stroke so mam had to go into a nursing home. He was persuaded to join her for Christmas but unfortunately was then diagnosed with Asbestosis and lung cancer and became increasingly frail and died a month ago. While he was in the home he would ring my brother at all times of the day and night wanting him to sort out something or other with the home.
Now mam is settled and has said she wished he had let her go into a home earlier as she knows how hard it was on him.
Before anyone says why werent his family helping, I live 300 mile away with my OH and am also disabled, my brother although he lives closer to mam has had major spine and shoulder surgeries in the last few years, my daughter has an autistic son and is also the main carer for her other grandmother, and my brothers daughter has two young children the last born in December and did not have an easy birth.
In an ideal world everyone would respect and care for their elderly relatives, if no one could then the state would help. Unfortunately it isnt an ideal world! Money is tight and unfortunately something has to give.
I have felt guilty for not looking after the care for my parents and not being there for them more, then I read posts from people who say where are the families they should be doing the care. Sometimes it just isnt possible.

sarahhelkenwhitney I agree with almost all you say . This hasn’t happened over night!

People are living longer though ( not saying that’s a bad thing, quite the contrary ) but there’s a massive difference between really living and just being alive .

I’m not saying it’s anyones fault but families are quite often spread about these days and our generation ( I’m 56) are often stretched to the limit trying to look after our elderly parents, grandchildren and working well into our 60’s too ( no pensions until 68 for me) . And from experience the “burden” often falls on the woman relative who lives the closest. I loved my late grandma very much but keeping her in her Own home was very hard . I was there everyday without fail .

I agree carers should be paid more and better trained / qualified but where will that money come from? Something wise will have to give .

We encouraged my oh 's aunt to go into a care home, it's a lovely place and the staff are very good. It's now had a rise in its fees so that it costs just over £800 a week. I really don't object to the principal of paying for care, she has no children and the costs are coming from the sale of her property. That's how it should be. If you are worried that inheritance is going to be eaten away then go back to the old fashioned principals and care for your 'rich' relative yourself like they do in Japan, China, in fact most countries abroad, granny is part of the family. However I don't think that £800 a week is an acceptable sum, the staff are on minimum wage but I'm sure the owners and shareholders are not going without. I don't know what happened to the days when people's needs outstripped profits. Now all the people at the top are far more intent on making as much profit as possible rather than taking an acceptable income and doing what's best for not only the residents but the workers as well. Gone are the philanthropic days of the Bournville estate and WD&HO Wills where the workers got priority. You only have to look at the wages paid to CEOs of charities to realise that.

It seems blindingly obvious that where homes and care services are run for profit, there will be less to spend on carers and facilities.
Not only does the present system cause suffering for many in the system, it also takes away from all of us the peace of mind of knowing care will be there if needed

Care services are closing every day as they are unable to operate on the money paid to them by the LA’s

All this started about 20 years ago with Care in the Community that the government of the day brought in. They wanted to keep the elderly in their own homes as it was more cost effective with the idea that the care package that they would receive at home was tailored around the individual’s needs. The money saved from the elderly not living in residential care was supposed to be ring fenced to pay for the extra home caters etc. that would be needed for this system to work. We all know how that panned out. I for one do not mind paying extra tax as long as it is actually kept specifically for the purpose of improving the quality of life and care we older folk get and not just lost somewhere in the governments coffers.

What was a council run care home here was bought out by a man who has many, and is listed in the top 10 or twenty wealthiest people in the country.
His residents budget for food is 70p per person, per day.
So its not all about the homes being stretched and unable to manage.
Some owners are just greedy 'people' for want of a more appropriate word.

gillybob
I am one of the living longer and I have family, older than yours, who live the other side of the world. I appreciate what it can be like looking after an elderly relative as I nursed my late DH through the years he suffered vascular dementia before he passed away seven years ago. He could be aggressive and the police were called on two occasions when he went walkabout . Mine was a living hell social services did eventually send a carer to give a daily shower and I was offered occasional respite for him in the last two years. I realise the situation is far worse since DH had care.
My question remains why, and for what reason has it been allowed to reach this situation?
I have my own opinion on this.

I don't think £800 a week is excessive or likely to give rise to much in the way of profit. If you think of it as full board, lodging and personal care plus social activities in a hotel with at least one trained nurse it's not so bad. Increased legislation and standards for health and safety etc etc etc can be extremely costly to meet. Staff costs, electricity, council tax and so on soon makes £800 seem quite good value especially in a single room with en suite.

£800 a week works out at just over £114 a day.
In a care home that would usually include all meals and drinks, all laundry (often a lot), help if necessary with washing, dressing, eating and 'toileting' as they like to call it. Plus usually higher than normal levels of heating, and often activities thrown in.

I know it sounds a lot, but compared to the cost of just B&B anywhere halfway nice locally, it may not seem excessive.

I agree with sarahhelenwhitney ......it was obvious (or should have been !) to successive governments that the aging population thanks to medical advances, better health eduction etc encouraging people to actively helpt themselves to stay alive longer ....would, therefore, be the longest living generation ever ......but no plan was ever put into action to alleviate this problem ....it should have been addressed many years ago and provision made, either by increased taxes, pa ying towards your NHS care (ie for doctors appointments( ,,,,many people I know wail that 'I paid NI all my working life to pay for my care'......yes but the cost was probably worked out on probability via an Actuary for the government ......and was far off the mark. Governments moan there is no money .....for tthe NHS, for the care of the elderly, for roads or schools, social services, ...................so if there is no money for these things one would have to ask where has it all gone ? We are blamed for having our OAP (worst in Europe !) and for owning property (wasn;t easy even when we were young to get onto the property ladder ,,,with no help from mum n dad) ......SO ....may we see the government balance sheet, would be an interesting read I think ....foreign aid could be re directed to some of these things, the pensions and perks of the MPs could be scrutinised (much squealing from them I have no doubt),,,,,,and what about the ideas now being tossed around of cutting WFA for the 'wealthy (no figure of wealth mentioned !) and re starting payment of NI by pesioners ? I am with you ....if fit enough, sellt he house, go on a round the world cruise, ending in Zurich ! simples ...................even though a short trip to Switzerland would cost in excess of £10,000 (and what happens to that money which has to be paid upfront, if you die of natural causes before you get there !!!!???? this concerns me !!

BTW, I know people are fond of saying that 'in other countries' families look after their own elderly. In many places they have no choice - there is no other care available.

While she was working in Cambodia my dd saw an old granny with dementia tied to a chair all day outside, to a) stop her wandering, and b) to keep her incontinence in one place, where both she and the mess could be washed down daily.

There was a large extended family nearby and nobody in the family or the village saw any problem with it. It was simply the only practical solution in a poor family where the adults needed to either earn money or were busy with household duties and children.

By contrast, we have Indian friends, not loaded but comfortable, living in Mumbai. One of their elderly parents with dementia is looked after in her own home 100 miles away by 2 live-in carers. As our friends pointed out, such arrangements are infinitely cheaper and easier to arrange there than in the U.K.

I remarked that so many people here like to tell us that 'everybody' in other countries looks after their own elderly. They said that is rubbish, at least in India by anyone who can afford live in help, which is comparatively so much less expensive than it would be here.

The very many people I met who came from Zimbabwe would talk about their mums maids, who live with and look after them.
I was horrified when they said that poor girls are taken into someone's home as a maid, to help out.
It was explained to me that the girls often had a much better quality of life, being taken in to live in a house with clean running water, their own room, and often another maid to keep them company.
Good employers will send them to school, too.
I was told that a lot of the maids became lifelong friends of their employers, and come back to visit years later.

In 14 years of doing mobile manicures I have seen a wide variety of home " care". When it's good it's very very good, and when it's bad it's awful.

Time is such an issue for all carers visiting the elderly. They just don't have enough of it, so even the best of them can only do what they have to do and leave promptly.

Money definitely helps if you've got it.

Personally I am dreading needing either home car or residential care. Trying to stay fit as I can to avoid them.