Should a dying person's wishes always be honoured?

I suppose I am in a similar position, having no family except for a daughter who has not spoken to me in 11 years ...BUT from whom, a fewmonths back, I received a photograph ...no details, no address, phone no. or e mail ....of her wedding and a child who she informed me by writing on the back of the photo 'is your grandson who is nearly 3' I am shortly moving to a completely different country ...I have made my Will in the UK with specific instructions . My solicitor says 'What if she contests the Will'....but unless my beneficiaries die before me, my Will should be adhered to. Save that, my 'grandson' whom I shall never meet, will benefit .....failing that Bona Vacante will find any other surviving long distant relative. I have stated my reasons in my Will and made a proviso that unless she contacts me before my death she is not to be informed. Hopefully she will never know and may never be interested in whether I am alive or dead ...well, she hasn't been for 11 years, so why would she be (unless she has somehow heard I have an inheritance !)

The title of this thread is "should a dying person's wishes always be honoured". My answer to that is no as they could be nasty, vindictive and harmful.
That is a completely different issue to the question posed by the OP where overwhelmingly we have all said yes. This person's wishes should be honoured and the OP has clearly distressed them to the extent that they have severed contact.
Let them end their life in peace OP.
This is not about you.

Jo1960
I am horrified that your partner had a church service which he was opposed to. That is one of the problems with not being married that I need to address myself as the children can take over decision making leaving the partner powerless.
This year we will be redoing our wills and POA. This is something everyone should do when they are fit and healthy.

I’m conflicted by this tbh. I don’t feel that this person has a right to confidentiality unless he asked you before confiding to grant him it. On the other hand I know the situation from the other side too. Not respecting a loved one's wishes can leave one feeling guilty for years afterwards too.

My partner died suddenly 7 years ago tomorrow. His wishes re: estate and funeral were known to me and his sister who he wanted to be his executor; he was in the middle of writing his will. In the event he died so suddenly that none of his affairs were finalised and as a result his funeral etc were not as he wished. One of his son’s took over as executor and I was effectively sidelined. At the time I was too shocked and distraught to argue and also didn’t want to upset anyone else as we were all grieving. It still upsets me that nothing that he had a church service when he was adamantly opposed to it. The greatest irony was that I ended up paying for the blooming thing!

Could be Baggs but it could just as likely as he severed contact (which is why I advised the OP to contact him and support him) because the OP found the request too distressing to comply with and this upset him.

Think on though.....how is the OP to let his relatives know after he has died if he has cut contact wth her too?

How will she know?

He sounds like a right miserable bold so and so. I’d just forget him and get on with your life. He doesn’t deserve your worrying about him.

If you tell his children and they make contact he will be nasty to them. If you don’t tell them they could be upset that he didn’t want them to know and they didn’t have a chance to try to help him. Poor you, no win situation.

As he does get on with you, I agree with others, you should try to be there for him if he will allow you.

I am concerned about your state of mind and even after he is dead you could continue to feel guilty you didn’t tell his family. You haven’t agreed not to tell them, and just because he gives you instruction that doesn’t mean you have to follow them especially as they are against your better judgement. I don’t think you are dealing with him in a professional role where you are sworn to confidentiality.

You could tell the family including his instructions that he didn’t want them to know. Maybe then they might take the opportunity to make contact but not mention they know he is ill as they will then know by doing so it will mean the breakdown of any relationship you have with him. At least their is one winner that way, you, as at the moment he isn’t communicating with anyone and the worry is making you ill.

Personally I would find it difficult not tell others but I am not very good with secrets.

I’ve been in that situation with my own brother and I told no one until after his death. A person has every right to decide for themselves who should know and it’s not up to anyone else to interfere imo.

I’m unclear how old this persons children are which could have a bearing on this. I was eleven when my father died and I was completely unprepared for it, had no idea it was imminent and had no support coping with it either. It has left its mark on me, and is something I would never want another child to have to experience. I have no idea to what extent this situation would impact on an adult.
Unfortunately, the OP has been placed in an impossible situation from which she is bound to be in the wrong with one person or another. I can only add “good luck”, deal with ir as best you can and try not to beat yourself up it you experience negativity from others later on.

The OP mentions that the dying man has severed contact with her. Death would do that. Perhaps he has died.
Well, there's a thought!

That could be, Baggs

Surely if their relative is dying and they don't even know then that is on them.
I would be too ashamed of myself if I professed to care..
If they cared, then they would know how this mans life is, and what's happening.
There is no point in them being outraged after the event.

This is not about you.

My uncle died of lung cancer and none of his 4 remaining siblings were told until the phone call inviting them to his funeral. Apparently, he didn't want anyone to know. They had very little contact with him or each other (it wasn't a close family) but I cannot begin to describe the pain it caused because they had been denied the chance to say goodbye to him and to tell him what he had meant to them, especially as their older brother when they were all growing up. Do you know why they're estranged? Is it because they took his money or were cruel to him, or similar; or is it simply what happens in a lot of families where everyone is too busy and takes it for granted that other family members will always be there - until it's too late? If it's the former, then I feel you should respect his wishes (he may be protecting himself). If it's the latter, then you are denying him the chance to reconcile with them (and they him). Further, if they discover that you knew and didn't tell them, I fear it will be a fatal blow on your relationships with them (will they ever forgive you?)

You've expressed an opinion but so has he. The least you can do is honour his wishes and being in contact can tell his family of his death. If he was to discover that you told them anything he will disown you & you will not know when he has died. If he has had no contact with his family then they will understand why you couldn't tell them of his illness

Dollyjo - how sad and difficult for you. If it was me I would honour his request and support him ( I hope you too have some support) I would ask him to write a note saying what he'd asked you to do. I would also write down something regarding his request to you and keep them together for later, should his children ask questions.
I personally feel that it is his death & he should be allowed to for it to take place in his own way.
It is a very difficult position for you and my heart goes out to you.

Also, if he has now severed all contact with you anyway, you have nothing to lose.

Are the rest of his family not in contact at all? If it were me I would have a chat to them and strongly suggest they try to repair the broken bridges. You don’t have to say why. You will still be keeping his wish of not telling them he is dying whilst also suggesting the idea to his relatives.

When my Mum found she was terminally ill she expressed quite clearly that she did not want her eldest son or his children to attend her funeral.

He had caused her so much upset and heartbreak over the years and she said she did not want him near her again even after she had died after not speaking for over 20 years. I made sure her wishes were followed.

Your relative has his reasons, and as others have said you can inform them after his passing.

It's entirely up to him, IMO. I dare say he has his reasons, even if they may not seem reasonable to others.

As for funerals, more than once I've seen relatives who hadn't bothered to visit the deceased for ages, let alone do anything for them, turn up at the funeral and make a big show of grief-stricken weeping. Personally I have found it sickening, not to mention hypocritical.

The OP mentions that the dying man has severed contact with her. Death would do that. Perhaps he has died.

He has asked you in confidence, and I believe you should respect that. In a previous job, when a person died having had no contact with the family for years, it was amazing how they came out of the woodwork to claim what they considered was rightfully theirs. Let him die in peace, and leave it to the family to pick over the pieces afterwards.

My Son has not spoken to me for 10 years
I don’t have a clue why he lives only a few
Miles away.
I still send him Birthday cards and Christmas cards
It’s a Mum thing I think
My wishes would be for him not to be told he has lost that right. I think
You should respect that from your friend he must have
Good reason.
Talk to him by the sounds of it he only has you don’t fall
Out over it to be honest and not being rude it’s none of your
Business really respect that

Follow his wishes. Why would you not. If he is such a close friend why go against him? The only answer to this question is to meet your own moral code, implying you know best. Value him and his opinions. Heal the rift you have created and enjoy the last few months of friendship.

I agree that his wishes should be respected, rather than looking at how everyone else might feel, especially as he has had no contact with them for a long time. His feelings should be the priority. Hope this helps.

Honour his wishes.

My husband died and his will was that close family only attend the funeral. This was difficult but I overcame this by asking close friends to attend the scattering of his ashes some months later, followed by lunch at a nearby hotel. One couple with whom we had been friends for 40 years cut off contact when they were not invited to the actual funeral - some friends!!