Should a dying person's wishes always be honoured?

First thing to do is renew your contact and put "PLEASE read" on the outside of the letter.

You were his only confidant and if he is dying he's going to need your presence more than ever.

Don't let this ruin your health, if you don't act now and make it up, you'll live with guilt when he goes.

Confiding in someone means that the person confiding is sharing something personal and private with the confidant in the expectation of that something being kept private. It is an act of trust. The confidant betrays all trust if she/he then passes that information on to others, except in very rare circumstances, such as an admission of criminal guilt.

Should I be diagnosed with a terminal condition, there are those I do not wish to know at all until I have died. There is no one I wish to know immediately, someone in whom I should like to confide a bit further down the line, and some with whom that confidante may herself confide as appropriate (inn my opinion), again, later down the line. Hypothetical, so I might change my mind, but I would certainly expect confidences to be kept confidential.

That is still up to him though, although I don't see it as controlling at all.
If people don't bother when someone is alive, it makes perfect sense to me, to not bother having them at your funeral.

In my view, it's quite a controlling and spiteful stance for this gentleman to adopt and, in my view, intended to be hurtful. Now he is behaving in the same way towards you.

It could make for a very difficult situation with you and his family. He should have written a letter of wishes so that you are not held responsible for his family not being informed of his impending death.

So sad you are dealing with this alone. Could you go and tak to someone like a priest (you don’t need to be religious) or a doctor. Most Dr’s surgery’s have someone you can talk to, but you need to ask. When you are more settled with your knowledge. Approach your ‘friend’ and let him know that you will honour his wishes, and would not tell anyone he knows, but ask him if he would like to accompany you to your ‘counsellor’ sometime. I do hope you find support with some constructive help.

Of course you must respect his wishes in my opinion and he obviously trusts you implicitly and has made you his confidente it does put you in a difficult position but I think asking him to put it in writing as Willynilly suggested is a good idea and will then make it more understandable to those left behind
He at least owes you that

My late DH told me when the time came I was not to tell his other children from his previous marriage (apart from one who visited regular and who we had continuous contact with all through our marriage.

We respected his wishes, wasn't difficult as they never visited often . They were told once the funeral had taken place...no regrets, they didn't come to visit when he was ill or prior.

It’s his final wishes and should be respected. Please don’t make yourself ill over this,

I've asked for my previous post to be edited or removed. Please nobody respond to it. It's the final paragraph I've regretted as tactless speculation.

It is completely wrong to break his confidence. It is not up to you to bypass his stated wishes.

Message deleted at request of Gransnet member.

Nothing as queer as folk! or 'nowt' as my mother used to say.
Indeed paddyann

I understand why you're worrying dollyjo - this is quite a burden you have been given.
You told him what you thought about his children being informed (the right thing to say imo) and he has now severed contact so you may never know what happens.

It's sad, but you cannot make yourself ill over this - it is his decision.

I told my sister when my mother died ,even though mum specifically said not to.My sister sort of abdicated from our family when Dad died as she didn't want any resposibility for mum...so she had no contact for 12 or 13 years .Even when mum was ill and I contacted her she still didn't visit.

She did turn up at the funeral with her inlaws in tow,cried a lot and then left.We haven't seen her since and thats been almost 14 years .
Maybe mum was right ,I dont think I would feel sorry for her now that I know how she behaved.It was all about her and not our mum ,who she admitted was a great mum and she's had a great childhood.Nothing as queer as folk!

If its reasonable to respect someone's wishes when they're well, the same goes for their death.
It is their death, nobody elses.. they should be able to arrange things how they want to.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to inform his children after he has died and then it’s their decision to attend his funeral or not.

I have a similar dilemma. My brother, older by two years, has been divorced for many years, has two sons and a GC living in the US with whom he has sporadic contact. He has few friends, merely acquaintances, and has mentioned several times in the past that he wants no-one at his funeral, including family. Do I respect his wishes? Have sought to reason with him but I know if I go on about it he will cease to have any contact with me, until he is ready.

eazybee - makes a very valid point and I do recognise the power of a controlling person who wants to control once they are no longer around. It happened in our family and the pain and distress of being actively denied a chance to say farewell no matter how unpleasant that person had been in life can be very damaging. Its not so much we want to confront them on their death bed...just the knowledge that we were denied it that hurts.
You have been placed in a really nasty position especially as you must know these relatives and have an inkling as to how they may respond when the news gets through.
Perhaps you could put in writing the gist of the conversation you had with this person together with your misgivings. If at a later date they can see that you tried to help the situation it will help the healing even if not at the time. Later when things calm down people can see that you were troubled and tried to do your best for the other people involved.
You cannot go against this person's wishes but you can put pen to paper now and record your misgivings and give you condolences and let them know you tried.

Respect their wishes please.

I would also ask them to write a letter stating their wishes, which in the event of their death and any friction within the extended family you have the letter as evidence of their wishes.

That was a wise move Tanith.

I too speak from experience. It should be a position of mutual respect. You respect his wishes by keeping a confidence, and he respects that you may have difficulties down the line by putting it in writing.

I was in this position a year ago I felt I had to respect her wishes but I did speak to staff looking after her and her doctor made a point of having a conversation with her about contacting her daughter and was also told that on no account were they to inform her. Her daughter was told about that discussion after she died.

A very sad situation; presumably as this man is a close relative his family are your relatives too. It is a dreadful burden to impose on anyone, and he should not ask you to deal with the consequences of his personal animosities, whatever the circumstances.
As he has instructed you not to contact them, you have no choice but to follow his wishes, but it has put you in an unpleasant situation which is not of your making. Following his death, would there be any need for you to inform his family that he ordered you to withhold information about his illness? Could you feign ignorance about the situation?
It sounds like someone attempting to continue a family feud from the grave.

I think the person he should have told was his solicitor and Willynilly is correct, he could write you a letter confirming that he does not want anyone else told. Maybe he was hoping for one trusted person to accompany him to medical appointments or to be able to offload to on what will be an increasingly lonely journey? If that is so, he could have offered confidentiality both ways so that you are not left with fallout. He may simply be worried about losing control of his own life if his children push him to undergo medical procedures at a stage when he has had enough. It is possibly a mistake to keep the children in the dark to the end and you were right to point that out, but reading your post again I see he has already cut himself off from the children, which is sad but his business and I feel strongly you will try your best to help him if he will let you back in. There is probably a good reason why he has kept faith with you particularly. All the best to you with this delicate situation.

I agree with the other posters - respect his wishes. In my opinion he was wrong to burden you with this BUT it is still his secret to be kept as he wished.