OH has fractured femur - not a good situation

Mad day yesterday - got to x-ray for my knee first thing while carer was here. GP then came out to see OH and sent him by ambulance for an x-ray of his hip, which thankfully is OK in spite of new pain. Then we had to wait 5 hours for transport home! I had to come back earlier in a taxi in the end as my singing group were about to arrive en masse! He was very cross with me for leaving him.

Moral dilemma - have 4 days booked by the seaside for the end of May and incorporating concerts in the local festival. We have done this for 35 years! - although OH did not go to the concerts in the latter years. Do I go and get live-in carers here for him for those few days? I would feel v disappointed not to go - it is a part of the pattern of my life and I love it. But he is dead against it - TBH he does not even like me going into the garden.!

So, what do I do? If I thought that he was in imminent danger of dying I would not even think about it; but he may go on for a long time like this - no-one knows. What to do?

Surely one or other of your DDs could do it? They must see how much you need and deserve a break?

When my mother was discharged from hospital to a nursing home I saw some dingy rooms that I preferred her not to take. I can understand what Luckygirl is saying, and I think the room, even its aspect, can really affect mood. To leave a loved one in a room which you dislike compounds the guilt, already felt about them going into a home. It's a really awful feeling which many on here have had to cope with I know. Sometimes for your sake and theirs it's the only solution and for the best, but not always easy to get to that point. I'm still on the way!

Lucky, you go on the break. You’ve been going for 35 years.
You need to get away. DH is not himself and yes he will tell you not to go. Not even to go into the garden. That’s the unwell man talking. Once you are away he will accept it and you won’t be there to hear him grumbling. The caters will look after him.
The time left to DH is in the lap of the Gods. You can’t live your life thinking “it could be tomorrow”. Allow him to be well looked after by professionals and you go and do what you love, with the bonus of recharging your own batteries.

Luckygirl I think you should go but would it be possible to get respite care in a home? DH may not like it but it would give you peace of mind and more enjoyment during your few days away. You need a mental and physical break.

Just seen your post. I would say definitely go Luckygirl. For your own sanity you will have to make some decisions nowadays which your OH does not like. He probably feels vulnerable and scared, but presumably he is getting used to daily carers now. Sounds as if you can do with the break, and you really need it to keep going. I say this from experience because I almost had a breakdown last year, and it's only my mother, not OH, that I care for. I have reduced my involvement, and the sky hasn't fallen in!

Two years ago I was given the opportunity to go to Sweden for a few days where DD was involved in a play and was living in a holiday house on Gotland. I could not leave Paw even for two hours at the time -but, to be fair he did not require total personal care- but I could not even begin to contemplate it. However I was over ruled. My sister in law came to stay (a retired GP she knew the score) one DD paid my taxi to Heathrow, another paid my flight and it was wonderful.
Only a few days but it absolutely strengthened me for the 6 hellish months which followed and which led up to Paw’s death in November.
Could a DD stay to oversee things with live in carers?
Or surely even (expensive) private respite care would be justified?
A 90+ year old woman I know went into a very nice care home for a week while her husband went to Germany with his choir.
It may be exactly what you need.
Don’t ask “whether” ask “how can it be arranged?”

Go Luckygirl go.

Do whatever it takes to enable you to have this much needed break.

Employ 24 hour carers or arrange for him to have respite care in a home - do whatever it takes but don't lose this opportunity to get away.

It will probably make things easier for you when you return as he will have had to get used to you being away.
He may find that actually he can do more for himself than he thought.

I don't imagine a single person on here will say 'don't go' !

Oh Yes Go , I was lucky in that various of my Children covered my absence , the carers did what they usually did and the Children kept things on an even keel , but I really needed the break .
Ironically , there is no group holiday this year , but I can manage with being able to potter around outside , or take the bus into town

You must go Lucky. Of course DH is not going to like it but it will be good for both of you.

Read what Maw said - it will build up your strength and give you a better perspective on the situation.

That's pretty decisive lucky. Respite in a home seems to the best bet as you might then feel able to use it again.

Well - conveen fitted by hospice nurse yesterday and - guess what? - dry bed last night!!!

BUT I messed up with the outlet on the bag and the carpet was soaked!!!

I am beginning to despair of the NHS - so good in a crisis, so hopeless with the day-to-day stuff.

OH has not had his BO for at least 8 days. District nurse comes yesterday and administers microlax enema with nil result. Arranged for her to come back today with a phosphate enema. She arrives - can't get hold of one - been to surgery - they do not have any, so proposes to try microlax again, and then try to get a phosphate one for TUESDAY!!!!

I managed to get my hands on a phosphate one and she is administering it right now - I sent off to amazon the other day to get some just in case. But the idea it could wait till next Tuesday by which time he would no have performed for 2 weeks seems just crazy!!!

Our lives are currently ruled by bodily functions! - oh joy, oh rapture!!!

Oh dear luckygirl I continue to send kind and supportive thoughts to you and your DH

Oh Luckygirl ? ???

Oh dear, Lucky.

It's remarkable what you can get from Amazon. But it should never have been up to you to get them for him. Full marks to you for your foresight.

The only useful advice I was given by a particularly unhelpful nurse was to put the drainage bag into bucket. Any buckets to hand? Absolutely you should go away. It will be good for you bot. (But especially you!)

Indeed - I have a bucket planned for tonight!

My DD has just picked up a huge bin liner bag full of bags and conveens and stuff to last a month - let us hope we are successful in putting it on!!

I hope she did not pay for that stuff!

She did not!

Lucky we never had to put it on , in fact when it fell off we just couldn't do it , the carer that settled OH at night did the needful !

Oh Lucky it doesn't seem to be getting any easier for you, does it? I agree with others that you really must find a way to go to your festival - you so desperately need a break. And you deserve one too.

I haven't checked into this thread for a few days now, but you have been in my thoughts constantly. You and a few others on GN who are in desperate circumstances ???

Wondering how you are Lucky. I see the thread about the petition and the number of signatures are rising, but we need to raise awareness.

I know you will cope, but that's not the point when it's to the detriment of your health and wellbeing is it? It's not good enough. Warm wishes. x

Well here's farce to brighten your bank holiday......

- OH has severe constipation (usual for him, as his gut motility is buggered by the PD).
- after no action for about 9 days, district nurse gives phosphate enema last Thursday.
- very little result, but severe abdominal and particularly rectal pain ever since. And there is overflow stool.
- OH goes into fast AF last night - likely to have been caused by pain etc.
- ambulance called and they assessed him as needing to go to A&E.
- gets into ambulance (a huge challenge in itself) and rhythm reverts to normal, so they reverse the process and get him back in bed, and help me change pad - conveen had fallen off.
- sleepless night - OH in pain.
- he is still in pain this morning so rang district nurse who says she can do nothing and to get him into hospital.
- rang 111 and went through their tortuous process, answering the same questions over and over again.
- 111 assess (with their silly algorithm) and call ambulance
- 3 paramedics arrive and are pleasant enough but cannot do anything - they kept suggesting senna and other things which are not appropriate to OH's situation or indeed to their role.
- they ring district nurse and get the same response as I did.
- they ring 111 (what!!??) which is where we came in, and eventually persuade them to get an actual doctor to make contact.
- doc rings - and grasps the situation (i.e that it is not a random bloke grumbling about constipation, but someone who needs properly assessing for potential obstruction) - but he is ringing from the "hub" about 50 miles away!
- he will contact a local doctor who will come within 6 hours.

And people wonder why I think I am going mad - is it me, or is there some serious flaw in this system!?