Gransnet forums


No longer interested in the bedroom

(32 Posts)
nannyYvie Sun 15-Dec-19 01:18:36

This is only my second post so I'm still relatively new to this and I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this topic. Please advise if it isn't.
After having a frank discussion with my work mate about the menopause and its symptoms recently, she later confided in me that since experiencing the menopause 2 years ago, she has lost all interest in the bedroom department. Whilst she has a supportive and patient partner, she feels desperately sorry for him as he is somewhat younger than her (she's in her fifties) and she feels that she really must turn matters around as it has been going on for so long with no sign of change. She did say that this is totally out of character as to how she was before entering this phase of her life so it isn't as if she had a low sex drive before. She has said that the only way she can bear to be touched is if she has a good old drink beforehand, but this clearly isn't ideal. I suggested speaking to her GP, but she is reluctant to do so as she doesn't think any of her GPs would or could offer any suitable advice other than to talk to her partner as they are all in their thirties. She also doesn't want to search the internet for answers, but she gave me permission to ask others for advice when I told her about GN. It's been useful to me as a new gran. Does anyone know if this is something that can be reversed in any way and if so, how can she or should she go about it?

BBbevan Sun 15-Dec-19 06:57:43

I can only say that that was my experience. Went on for about 5 Years if I remember, and suddenly came back. I didn't go to the GP, and DH was saddened but supportive. I can remember the day and where I was when I felt my libido return. Everything has been good ever since. I can only think it is all to do with hormones.
This was quite some time ago, so I would think a visit to the GP might be a bit more productive these days , why does your friend not want to search the internet? It can be very helpful .

Oopsminty Sun 15-Dec-19 07:19:22

Hi. Quite agree that a trip to the GP is well worth it. This is a very common problem and can be addressed.

Also I know you said your friend isn't keen on googling but the NHS website has loads of helpful information.

Hope your colleague can get some help

nannyYvie Sun 15-Dec-19 07:39:01

Thank you ladies, this is positive news. She assumed that the internet would only be filled with comments about how she should talk about the issue with her partner, or perhaps she is one who thinks the internet has too much false information. However, thank you again. I'll be sure to show her you helpful replies.

mumofmadboys Sun 15-Dec-19 07:54:14

GP's are well used to this conversation so I would suggest making an appt.

wildswan16 Sun 15-Dec-19 08:01:52

She may find a site called "Menopause Matters" helpful. It has good, independent and clinician led advice. But a visit to her GP would also be sensible - some are better than others.

It is often the younger GPs who are more "sympathetic" to menopausal problems I find.

sodapop Sun 15-Dec-19 09:01:05

Yes your friend's GP should be her first port of call. There is a lot of help now for menopausal problems. No need for embarrassment.

Esspee Sun 15-Dec-19 09:20:21

HRT would reverse her menopause symptoms. Works for me (for the last 30 years).

Tigertooth Sun 15-Dec-19 09:22:16

If she can afford it then google a gynaecologist with menopause speciality and go for a private consultation - mine cost £450. with internal exam but that was a very expensive private London hospital covered by my health insurance.
If not then look for a well woman clinic in your area. However - I think the only solution will be HRT, some people just don’t like it. I love it, all symptoms fissapeared snd I feel happier and fitter and optimistic but it’s not for everyone.

Thecatshatontgemat Sun 15-Dec-19 09:27:47

If suitable, HRT could sort you out.
According to my doctor, you are still in the "good" age group, where hormone replacement can work, without the worry of too many risks.
But you MUST speak to a GP first, as you may not be suitable for HRT, or even want to take it.
They can offer advice and help with the menopause, however, sometimes the adverse nastiness just dissappears after a while.
But sometimes it doesn't.
Take action now, because time is against you, and if you would like to try HRT, you need to get cracking now!

BlueSky Sun 15-Dec-19 10:07:05

I think various problems associated with the menopause eventually right themselves after the first dramatic drop in hormones. If you want results quicker and you are suitable then may be HRT is the way to go.

timetogo2016 Sun 15-Dec-19 10:13:19

Your friend just needs to take one day at a time.
Things will improve but I do think you can worry yourself into
certain menopausal problems.
I did and eventually came through it.

Alexa Sun 15-Dec-19 10:16:03

No wonder GPs have too many patients.

Hotmama Sun 15-Dec-19 10:22:09

As Espee says, it can probably easily be sorted with a bit of HRT. She’s far too young to give up her sex life, quite apart from her husband. I’m sure her GP will be helpful and as Wildswan says, Menopause Matters has a wealth of info. My problem is opposite inasmuch as hubby doesn’t want to continue in the bedroom and I do and he’s younger than me! So, tell your friend to get to her GP and enjoy the rest of her sex life.

Allsaints55 Sun 15-Dec-19 10:49:25

My problem is the same hot mama . I’m on HRT and 61 and still want bedroom fun but my partner not interested who’s younger . I let it go as he’s great in all other areas and it causes a defensive argument if I mention it . Definitely to young to give up bedroom fun . So HRT nannyyvie is the answer for flagging libido x

Allsaints55 Sun 15-Dec-19 10:50:22

I do end up having fantasies about gorgeous guys on the TV 🤷🏼‍♀️

Bugbabe2019 Sun 15-Dec-19 11:11:56

I’m going through the menopause and my libido comes and goes
My husband has a high sex drive
There are other ways to be intimate and close without sex. I feel quirky at times, but husband understands and is supportive
I suggest a visit to the GP. If my situation get worse I’ll be doing just that

SirChenjin Sun 15-Dec-19 11:51:43

Please don’t assume that HRT sorts out this problem for everyone! Just sayin’....

It’s definitely worth a conversation with the GP if it’s bothering her though.

grandtanteJE65 Sun 15-Dec-19 12:08:25

Assuming that this state of mind or body is solely due to the menopause, it has happened to lots of us. Some needed help from their GPs, others probably don't really know why our interest in sex came back, but fortunately it did.

During my time, where I didn't really want or enjoy it, I played stripper for DH - he enjoyed it immensely and I too found it good fun. Perhaps your friend and her husband could try something new or different too.

I assumed part of my lack of interest was due to the fact that my sister was dying at the time, and found that once the first grief over her death was past, physical desire reasserted itself, so perhaps your friend needs to consider whether there are other issues lurking in the background.

Retirement looming? Money worries? Bereavement? Empty nest? All these are common experiences at our age, and all take time to deal with.

Hotmama Sun 15-Dec-19 12:49:46

Without wishing to encroach on the OP’s post, thanks so much for that Allsaints as not able to discuss my problem with anyone and it’s great not to feel so alone.x

nannyYvie Sun 15-Dec-19 12:57:47

Thank you all so much; there's some really helpful advice and support here. She did mention that she wasn't on HRT, and I got the impression that she thought it was too late. Perhaps she will reconsider after reading these messages.

Mollyplop Sun 15-Dec-19 13:22:50

A few years ago I put a post on saying almost exactly the same thing. I went to the GP and he prescribed HRT. I decided not to take it but did use the Estradiol cream. I'm happy to say that I now have my sex drive back after 3 years. I think sometimes we gave to give nature time but it's not easy, especially when we live in such an instant world.

4allweknow Sun 15-Dec-19 15:06:17

We grow older and our hormone reduce for a reason we are too old for reproduction. Unfortunately our bodies haven't caught up with modern life styles and expectancies. HRT will probably be the answer and should be addressed before a psychological barrier sets in.

Growing0ldDisgracefully Sun 15-Dec-19 15:35:29

Thank you for raising this. Someone else did recently and got some very negative responses I feel, yet isn't this forum about raising issues which affect our generation? I have also felt little or no need in this department for some while and have tried the usual gels etc but this hasn't helped. Before attempting a GP visit (almost impossible to get an appt round here - our local practice featuring in the lowest rated section of the country...), does anyone know whether starting HRT at age 63 is feasible and would it solve anything? I'm not talking about swinging from the lampshades or the scene from that film (When Harry met Sally?), but just a glimmer of enthusiasm from the relevant department would be nice!

Mollyplop Sun 15-Dec-19 16:25:21

Growing0ldDisgracefully bless you! I'm certainly not swinging from the lampshades any longer. I know ladies who have started hrt in their 60s. It was the closeness I missed most and its lovely to have that again smile