Black Dog Gang 6

I have cried all morning....every day is the same.......I am always sad, always unhappy , always in pain......and I don’t believe life will get better, I believe it will get worse......all those optimistic people don’t realise how lucky they are, because whatever happens they put a positive spin on it.

Yogadatti are you having treatment for depression and the pain ?

Nonnie why should more bad things happen ? You fear bad
things will happen but there is no reason to expect them to
happen x

I believe what I posted, I accept not everyone does.

Hello everyone. Hope you are all ok.

Annie how are you xx Hope you feel better today, I know you had a down day the other day.
I am sorry you are so depressed and sad Yogadatti.
Times are really difficult one way or another for us all.

My dear daughter isn't doing too well at the moment, this worry about the virus seems to unravelled her mental health. I keep trying to reassure her and the staff are wonderful with her but it's very difficult.

Anyway I am trying to keep positive about everything.
When I opened my curtains this morning the farmer has been in the field opposite with his tractor and mowed a heart in the grass with NHS underneath, which I thought was lovely. Also the dove in the tree is looking after her nest religiously, she is giving me a positive look on things, she has a very important job looking after her chicks.

I hope you all have a peaceful evening and sleep well.

Sending love to you all xx

Yes nonnie but that is what faith is isn’t it. Trusting that somehow the Lord will help. Hope you are ok.

Still having some up and down moments. Not quite myself. Keeping on asking it’s the only way. I have been watching on you tube the daily readings from Canterbury Cathedral. They are mainly being read by the Dean. I must look him up and see who he is. For me he has a wonderful aura about him. I love the sound of his voice and his gentle way of speaking. A lovely man with grey hair but such bearing and calmness. Love listening to him.
Sleep well all. x

yogadatti I am a very negative person. Wish I wasn’t but I’m a born worrier. If things are really as bad as you say and you are having no relief from this I think you need to see your GP and see if you can have some help. Sorry you are so low.
Nice post lavender hope your daughter is ok.

lavender yes I had a down day, was thinking about tackling
the agoraphobia then realised there was the added problem of
where to go , I had planned Church and a coffee morning in the church hall, both closed. I am ok now, acceptance , tackling the agoraphobia will have to wait as will buying the
electric wheelchair.

Sorry your daughter isn’t doing well, so many without mental
health problems are very anxious so it’s natural your daughter
is to, we all are.

A heart mowed in the grass , how lovely, and a dove, the sign of peace, x

Yogadatti Sorry you are feeling that way.
Lsvender I am sorry about your daughter.
Annie I feel the day will come when you will go out.
Doodle You are not a negative person, you worry alot, and you cant help that. You always come across as very understanding in your posts.
I hope everyone feels better, easier said than done, Nonnie I hope things and feelings improve for you.

Thanks everyone. I have seen GP for years over depression and anxiety. I can’t take anti depressants cos I have low sodium. I have tried counselling ...nothing works for me. There is no medication that works for the chronic pain. I have a time-bomb in my head. I have a husband who is incapable of giving me emotional support. Does anyone in this group feel as bad as I do all the time , cos you all seem to cope much better?

Hi all. x

Yogadatti you speak of ‘a time bomb in your head’, do you
mean the pain you are suffering is in your head ?

Emotional support, friends, family ?

Time bomb is the AVM, that cld bleed again anytime...there isn’t any safe treatment for it in the position it is in, the chronic pain has been caused by endovascular doctor going through an artery trying to do something he cldnt ten years ago trying to repair AVM.... it has caused unbelievable burning pain down my right leg and foot. It means all the normal senses in that leg/foot are wrong. I.e. cold water feels like it is burning me. Probably like neuropathy, but mine is caused by brain damage.
Emotional support, well none really. Zero from my husband that is why I don’t get on with him or like him. My children try but then they have their own lives and problems. Friends not really...very hard to maintain friendships when you have high anxiety, because it often means you let people down.
I have honestly tried through the years but now I do feel like giving up.

Yoga I wish I could say something to help, I've been where you are and think all I did was keep on keeping on.

Annie you asked 'why should bad things happen' and I can only respond with 'why not?' History tells me that no matter how hard I try to be positive, how hard I work at being kind and looking after my health, bad stuff happens to me. I know that sounds like I'm being selfish and poor little victim me but the facts show that it is true. I can't believe in karma as that would mean I deserve it all and my family tell me I don't. Luckily they are very supportive.

Lavender it is so hard when one of our children is suffering, I'm sure you would take her pain away if you could. So glad you have found good things too, sometimes it is so hard to do that.

Doodle I try but do find it hard to trust in the Lord, I fail and yet know He has carried me so many time. I get a daily reading in my inbox and today's really hit home. I then participated in an online service from our local church, I find it easier than going out and putting on a brave face. Hope they keep it up after this crisis.

Annie well done on the acceptance, great achievement.

rafichagran thanks, I keep trying.

Yoga I can't speak for the rest of the group but I don't think you are alone. Different causes but the same outcome. It is so hard when you have tried everything and there is nothing else to try. I understand not wanting to keep talking about it with the family, what else is there to say? You don't want to keep on at them about it and affect their lives. I get that and I see it from their viewpoint to, they also feel helpless.

Yoga what can I say? Our lockdown problems pale in comparison. For what it's worth, I can only say thinking of you

nonnie I didn’t know you were in physical pain, I am sorry.

As to your ‘why not’ , this can be said about good things to, Unless you have had problems since a small child then you
have good times in your life, so ‘why not’ more good times x

Yes acceptance on not being able to work through the agoraphobia as planned through the winter , no point in
demanding the Church opens or the Coffee mornings start just for me , or have the wheelchair delivered , I had a down
day when I knew all my hopes and plans for working on my
recovery plan this Spring were squashed, there was only one
answer - acceptance or stay in down days .

Yogadatti - I'm sending you love and hugs.
I know how you feel. I cry every morning. I'm sorry for all of the people who are suffering illness or depressed or just fedup. Today feels like the tunnel has been lengthened. I'm so down in the dumps.

I'm just sooooo down in the dumps today. I could scream.

whywhy. It is so difficult to try to raise our spirits , so much
anxiety and depression sweeping the country.

It will pass, hold onto this x

Hi my dear friends lots of emotions around and understandably so.
I wish I had some comforting words. I know it’s such a hard time. Why said it all when she said she felt the tunnel had lengthened. That describes the way I have been feeling too.
I try to do the everyday things but often with a heavy heart.
Annie once again your posts are full of wisdom and really do help. Who helps you? I think you have great faith. I do say my prayers but find it difficult to accept things at the moment.
We will have to have a virtual church meeting and then off to the coffee morning for some Victoria sponge, scones and perhaps a meringue or two all washed down with a lovely cup of tea from a china cup.
I really wish I had a magic wand or a windmill to share with you all.
I have been sitting in the garden today listening to the sounds of the 60s and the memories the songs hold from that carefree time I had but didn’t realise.
Anyway sending you all a virtual magic wand to use when you please and here are some nice and a virtual hug. X

I too wish I had a way of giving you all some peace or cheering you up. yoga that treatment you’ve had sounds dreadful and the pain in your leg. No wonder you are down.
I do thing feeling down and low is one of the worst feelings. Starting when you wake up and then going on through the day, sometimes disturbing sleep too. why you do have a light at the end of the tunnel. You plan to move on end hopefully have a better life on your own. yoga is there any thing that you can think of to hang on to when times are hard. Something that lifts your spirits or encourages you?
nonnie bad things happen to lots of people. The kindhearted and the selfish. It’s the way it is. I find life is full of ups and downs. Good and bad things happen and we just have to carry on and hope all will be right in the end.
flutterby bluesky rafinchagran and annie I hope you are all ok. Take care all and I hope you all get some peace and a good night x

*flutterby, who helps me ? I have no one, I know depression so
dark I was asked in hospital to sign a form to have ECT, I refused. I have said my world fell apart when I witnessed the
Aberfan disaster and my village was swamped in grief. I lost a baby , 4 years later my husband died, I had a 3 and 5 year old ,
we had to move house into a house on a small housing estate,
the only family there, no telephone, no neighbours, grief ,
I had my daughters, I had to be strong, they had lost their
darling daddy. They grew up and married , I was alone again,
my younger daughter moved away but I had my elder daughter and her family, I did much in the Church, in the
community. Then my darling elder daughter was struck with
a severe mental illness, I cared for her, her children and her
husband for 10 years, moved to another part of town where I
didn’t know anyone, I was near my darling daughter if she needed me. Two years , 4 months ago she took her life, the
reaction of people to suicide shocked and hurt me . My
grandchildren moved away immediately, so on my own yet
again.

But I have known much love, much happiness and yes I do
have my faith. I know the dark tunnel, been through it several
times, when my husband died I didn’t think I could cope, when my darling daughter died , I lost my first born, my best
friend, my sunshine , but she asked me to look after her children as I had cared for her and her sister.

After my darling daughter died and my grandchildren moved
away I developed agoraphobia.

I know darkness and sunshine , so when I read posts here I really do understand

annie all that you have been through and your insight into such depths of despair have given your posts such great meaning. Where words fail most of us you always find words of comfort and peace to offer others. I am particularly grateful for all the help you have given me especially the greatest gift of your prayers. Thank you x

Doodle God has been with me, he didn’t kill my husband, drug dealers did, I wish people could understand having faith
doesn’t make you special in the eyes of God, he loves us all, he
said ‘when you walk through deep waters I will be with you ‘,
he didn’t say ‘you will never know deep waters’

I’m just glad he knows all about me. I cannot hide anything but know that he loves me despite of it all. I love that quote annie.

Hi all x

How is everyone ?

Thank you for the kind words. Anniebach - I'm so sorry that you've been through so much. I'm sending you love and hugs. I'll tell you more about my past sometime. I wonder how I came through it at times.
Today I feel a bit more human, tomorrow might be a different story. Thank you. X