Coping after bereavement

It's early days yet for you Nanny D.I feel sorry for people now who are recently bereaved.I lost my husband nearly 3 years ago,it was easier then,I could go to places where I could meet people,go on outings to our favourite places,even if it did make me feel sad.But now,there are so many things we can't do.We never really get over losing our loved ones,but it helps if we can rebuild some sort of life,it's been impossible for the past year.

I lost my husband after 52 years of marriage, three years ago. I still feel the loss greatly. In the end, after going through feelings of grief, anger, sadness, we have to accept that this has happened.

I didn't have counselling but it does get easier as time goes bye. We just have to adopt to a different way of living and thinking.

Thank you all so very much, your words have been a great comfort and there are so many of us in similar positions. Thank you for all the messages, everyone has been so kind. I have had a long chat with my DD and a very good friend which has helped enormously and I also went to my doctor yesterday, really to have my bp checked, but had a chat with her as well. I do feel much better today and I think all the talking has helped. I know I will get bad days but I know I will get through it all. Once again thank you all so much, I appreciate every word.

Just to add I have tried ringing Cruse but they are always so busy I never get put through, but I’ll keep trying if I feel I need to talk.

Glad you are feeling a little better today NannyDee. I rang the Samaritans a lot when I was in despair, they were great. It's no wonder we suffer so with grief, it is just love that has nowhere to go.

Hi, Sorry I’ve come late to this post and I haven’t read all the helpful replies but I know exactly how you feel . My husband died 3years ago last Christmas Eve, unexpectedly, we were due to attend his daughters funeral (my step daughter), he collapsed that morning and died 6 days later. To cap it all we were miles from home. It took me 4 hours to drive home, but I needed to do it. Anyway, like you friends told me how strong I was but inside I was crumbling. I moved home, and sorted my life out or so I thought. I ended up contacting CRUSE bereavement services. They were amazing. It’s taken me until now to get my head straight and want to start living again. Do seek help. It’s not weak to do so, but it helps so much. God bless. xx

I lost my husband of 51 years 18months ago, after 3 years of his suffering with cancer.
Initially you have the funeral, sorting various things out and throwing yourself into jobs around the house to stop yourself thinking.
I still can’t believe I will never see him again and at times this hurts more than anything but I have so many wonderful memories of our life together and have a daughter and two grandchildren that give me a reason to get up every morning.
I had just started grief counselling at the hospice where he died but the pandemic stopped that. I’m hoping I can restart once we are able to.
I have good days when I feel optimistic and not so good days when I’m angry that I have to go on without him and all the things we planned to do won’t happen.
Talking is the best thing for me. Remembering funny things he did, laughing about them feeling I’m not going to break down all the time when his name is mentioned.
Counselling and talking about him is good for me and I’m sure it would for you NannyDee. You are not alone.

You are being too hard on yourself you were married almost as long as I've been alive and have only been widowed for 7months Bereavement is a long slow process and everyone has to get through it at their own speed and in their own way You don't get over it you get through it and gradually adjust Be kind to yourself x

NannyDee. I completely understand. I lost my younger son 14 months ago and the pain is at times almost unbearable. I am blessed with another son, a good husband and caring friends, but nothing prepares you for such overwhelming grief.

If it helps, I would allow yourself to cry it out at the worst times. I also never pretend to be okay when I’m not. I have had help from a bereavement counsellor and done a course with ataloss.org via Zoom. My doctor has also been kind and supportive and I am slowly easing myself off anti-depressants...the first time in my life I have ever taken them.

I would try hard to allow yourself to take pleasure in small things as I have found it helps. I read a great deal, cook more often, walk in the park on my own and if I cry, then I just let it happen. I’ve always loved nature and Spring reminds me that we live in a beautiful country.

I also send you a virtual hug. Learning to re-structure our lives without someone we love is going to take time and a lot of self-kindness.

I lost my husband to cancer 9 years ago, he fought it for 5years, he was only 58,we were together for 33years, we were childhood sweethearts. I miss him so much, I still cry and I am crying now for myself and everyone who has lost a loved one. I think this last year has been, the worse one I have had for a long time. Of course last year I retired so I have basically been alone, luckily I have 2 sons and their partners and 7 grandchildren whom I see from a distance. I think we will all feel a lot better when covid has gone and we return back to normal times.

It is very early days for you. A few people think there is a set grieving time, there isn’t.
My husband died coming up to five years now, and I can still cry. Allow yourself to, and take each day at a time.
I found it to be a very different grief to losing mum and dad, and until I experienced it first hand could never have imagined that I would never be the same person again.
The restrictions that this pandemic has caused doesn’t help either. I accessed counselling through MacMillan, through HR at work, privately, it really helped me. It’s not for everyone, but we are all different.
I sincerely hope that each day you will find strength by knowing that you were loved, and still are loved by family and friends. Kindest regards.

i lost my husband 18 years ago, i had been his carer for 7 years and he died due to a medical mistake, i was only 39, i got through doing everything that had to be done but then it hit me he was not coming back, all my family thought how strong i was...some said it was due to my age....i had a break down, could not eat or sleep, just felt so fed up and wanted more than anything to be with him, i was diagnosed with depression and the tablets did help, i was offered councilling, but it was not for me, i started to keep a diary, it had some very dark days and some happy times, after all this time i still talk to my husband, grief can take a long time, you go from being a busy carer to having nothing, please talk to your doctor or surgery nurse, there is help and it will take time, lots of hugs and take care

Having been twice widowed myself, I feel for you, NannyDee. As has already been said, there is no set time frame for grieving. We are all different, and it really does take some time to learn how to cope with your loss. You need to do whatever feels right for you, but you must try to take care of yourself. If it helps, talk to your husband (either out loud, or in your head) or write to him to say whatever you are feeling, or just to tell him about your day. I found not having someone to share things with really hard - but you have family and friends to communicate with, if they are helpful, as well as forums such as this one, and there are others especially for bereaved people, as have been mentioned. Planning something you would enjoy is a good idea, even if it's something that can't be done just now. Are there places you and your husband wanted to visit, but didn't get the opportunity to go, for instance? You could go there for him, so that he can see it through your eyes.
Above all, please try to be kind to yourself. Sending you Love and Hugs.

My 93 YO mother is in the same position, her husband of over 70 years died in November. She cries every day for him, can’t sleep or eat. I go to see her at least 3 days per week but she misses my father so much it is heartbreaking. She lives in the past now when they were first married and goes over and over what happened when my F died.
Nothing seems to help, she’s starting counselling but I doubt it will help her, it’s quite good for me though as it gives her someone else to talk to.
I think it’s the natural progression of grief but probably takes a year or more to come to terms with the loss. At my mother’s age she may not have that length of time.
She’s been offered antidepressants but declined, however it may help you in the short term as I think they dull the acute symptoms of grief.
Sorry for your loss.

My dad died suddenly at 91 . I am fed up with ‘ he had a good innings’ etc . My mum died at 50 and he remarried and ended up looking after second wife until she died ! I still feel alone , could not see him due to covid . He died of cancer . Could not drive miles to see him . No where to stay ! Funeral was a farce . Keeping numbers down , no wake , no food . It was no easier losing a parent of 50 then one of 99 .

My husband died 3 weeks ago, barely 2 weeks after being told the cancer he’d been fighting for 5 years had spread to his brain. Within 3 days of the news he was bedbound and in less than a week unresponsive. He said throughout his illness that he’d had a great life (retired at 55) had done what he wanted and achieved 70 years last November. We’d come close to losing him through 3 bouts of sepsis over the years, but while he made it through, it made me realize it was ‘when’ and not ‘if’. Of course we are all raw and numb and things may change - but I need to grieve for what he has lost and not what I have. X

Im very much like this when serious accidents or deaths happen
At the time I cope brilliantly and everyone thinks Im ok, but 6-12 months later it's a different story. I was a pillar of strength when my daughter had a serious accident, but a year later had a major breakdown about what had happened. Took me over 9 months to recover.
See your GP for help and maybe counselling. Wish I had done this sooner.