Black Dog 10

Evening all. Strange night. Went to bed thinking I would drop off but my mind was buzzing so in the end I got up and read my book. Went back to bed later only to wake up early and not be able to go back to sleep. Wish I could say I’ve had a productive day but apart from cleaning the kitchen worktops, I haven’t.
Joce hope you had a better start to the day. I find my seven times table is the one I concentrate on most as for some reason I find it the most difficult ?
Annie I certainly hope they don’t turn off your power again otherwise your router will go down. Hopefully it will be ok this time.
Nonnie yes it’s what ever gets us through. Times table, counting backwards, animals …….
.would Ninja Turtle do for N ?.
I think many of us with anxiety and depression ruminate. We turn things over and over in our minds. I can’t seem to let something drop no matter how hard I try,
Scaredycat the kindness of strangers rings a bell with me too. There were so many kind people we encountered when out with my brother who had dementia. We see so much of warfare and fighting in the press we tend to forget about those who give kindness to others.
Hope to hear from Annie again soon so we know you’re still connected.
For some reason I have a terrible bout of hiccups. So violent my iPad is bouncing around. Hope it stops soon. Take care all x

I always say newt for N.
Been really down today after a busy week.
I usually meet two friends on Friday morning in our local supermarket cafe.
One sent a message to say she wouldn’t come out because the forecast was bad. The weather was actually ok and though she lives near the shop she has a car anyway.
The other one then text to say she wasn’t coming because she didn’t feel great.
I know I’m overreacting but am feeling hurt and let down.
I’ve put myself out taking them out for runs, to coffee shops and garden centres, hospital appointments and to the airport for holiday.
But I feel I don’t count.
Sorry I know it’s my depression talking.

Ellie Anne sorry you missed out on a meeting with friends. It’s a disappointment. I doubt if either comment meant they didn’t care but when we’re feeling down it just adds to our sense of hurt.
Have you any plans for the weekend. Can you do something you enjoy yourself to cheer you up?
Our weekends are very quiet. Usually a walk and not much else. I try and do something I enjoy as it’s weekend. Sewing, reading etc. You do count, very much. Don’t forget that.

Doodle Saturday is the day I find worse. Most weekdays I have something arranged and Sunday I have church but nothing on Saturday. I will probably go into town and get a few things and try to go for a decent walk. Anything to get out of the house.

Scaredycat I go shopping in my head walk round and round the supermarket,, ??? maybe should try the time tables.
My legs won’t get so tied that way.. yes it very lonely at 4 o’clock in the morning, the night is a lonely time, the anxiety are depression doesn’t help.
Doodle are you sewing any thing at the minute, I’m making a scary doll hopefully it works how I want it to got to get it done for Sunday ...
have a goodnight all sleep well

Hi all x

I don’t like Saturdays, don’t see or speak to anyone. But different this morning, my son in law came at 8.00 to put up a large bookcase, I now have somewhere to space out my Angels,
Owls and can have more plants for my indoor garden .

I can’t do the tables if I can’t sleep, as soon as I start I am back in Aberfan junior school and get upset.

Ellie Anne May I suggest you do your family tree ? Working on that you will become so engrossed , problems and worries go to the back of your mind x

Feel sad this morning, my husband’s birthday , I can’t recall his
voice, well with one exception! we were doing work on the garden fence, he said ‘your making more work’ I said ‘I’m trying’, his reply ? ‘Yes at times you are very x trying’, ?

How is everyone?

Scardycat ages ago I read that lying awake in bed, calmly, is almost as good for us as sleeping. Its the calmly bit I have a problem with and suspect I am not alone.

Doodle productive is achieving something when you didn't feel up to it. You did that, be kind to yourself.

No, Ninja turtle doesn't count!!! It will be something else tonight, brain doesn't work in the middle of the night.

Thanks Ellie Anne hope I remember that next time I get stuck.

I think we all feel like that at times and it can be difficult to change the way we feel.

Joce why a scary doll?

Ellie Anne do you have a local library or somewhere you could go on Saturdays. Annie’s idea of researching a family tree or getting involved in something that occupies your mind would be a good idea. Do you have coffee mornings after your church service?
joce the problem with nighttime shopping is that I would get too involved in selecting the right veg and wondering what to eat for the week ?
No not sewing at the moment. We are going away soon on another cruise (I don’t say where in case someone links it to me) so won’t start any new projects till I come back.
Your scary doll sounds interesting. Is it for someone?
Annie nice of your SIL to put up the bookcase. Is it in your lounge? Do you have many owls and angels? My younger DGD loves owls.
Such a terrible tragedy as Aberfan has left a lasting impact.
Sad day for you today. So many years without your husband. Funny the things the mind chooses to remember ?
Nonnie yes if we could lay there calmly it would be ok.
I think we could all do with an “off switch” or a “snooze mode”
Just for respite from the worry.
Hope all have a good day. x

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Thinking of you Annie..
Scary Doll is for my little friend over the road he’s 18 tomorrow and loves scary dolls so thought I would give one a go..
Hope you all like him ..

That is indeed scary joce what a lovely thought for your young friend. I’m sure he will love it.

Ellieanne, I hope things get better for you. My way of coping when I feel worried or anxious is to take my kindle to a coffee shop and I try to forget what is making me anxious.
Annie I am glad the owls now have a place along with the plants. You are amazing and I really hope everything gets better for you.
Doodle How are you? You always do such thoughtful posts, I dont know how you keep up.
Jose hope you are ok, that scary man is really good, wish I was talented.
Nonnie, Scardeycat *lavenderzen I hope you are keeping ok.
Please accept my apologies if I have forgot anyone.

Annie do you have a substitute for doing the tables? Sorry you were having a memory day which made you sad. Hope you have others which are more pleasant. We are fortunate that we have phone messages from DS so can hear his voice if we wish too but I still find it too hard. Hope that phone never dies.

Yes, Joce that is scary, don't show it to the little ones!!

Not a good day so far, this time of year always reminds me of my brother who was in the forces when he was killed a long time ago. Also, looking around I can see how much has been put on the back burner and needs to be done. I have a mountain to climb.

Hi all x

rafichagran hugs x

Nonnie I ‘do the alphabet’, but it’s rather repetitive, towns, counties, christian and surnames.

My sadness was caused by what my husband has missed, the same for my darling daughter, you too experience this, so much of ‘what might have been’ , how sad your brother was killed, today must stir up memories, sending you a cwtch x

Just remembered, I saw a quote recently for cross stitching,
‘Anyone can hug , only the Welsh can cwtch ?

Joyce your scary doll is certainly scary but such fun x

My positive - was thinking how i miss winter pansies, this led to
the many flowers I can no longer plant, so decided to cross stitch some and hang them in my indoor garden above my house plants, now have a long list of ‘to stitch’.

How is everyone?

Nonnie I too have that feeling about climbing the bridge. My mind is in overdrive and I know I have to deal with things, but I am too lethargic to do it.
I hope things get better for you, I would not give advice on how to deal with it as I dont know myself.
Sorry to hear about your brother, this time of year must bring back memories.

Sorry Nonnie should have said Mountain.

Morning all, Annie hears a big hug for you...
Thank you for your thoughts on the doll..
My little friend loves it..
Hope everyone has a lovely peaceful Sunday ..
?

Hello rafichagran nice to hear from you. Hope all is well with you and your family. That’s a good idea about going for a coffee and a read. Some quiet background hubbub of other chatting while you enjoy your coffee.
Nonnie do you have the facility to record your sons message on another phone so you can keep the recording. One of my biggest fears is forgetting . I have a really bad memory and have already forgotten all my childhood and our sons early years. I find it very sad and it upsets me.
Don’t look at tasks to be done as an overall thing. Just tackle one thing at a time and then move on to the next one.
Sorry about your brother.
Annie I understand you being upset about what has been missed by loved ones who have passed. Your DH should have had so many years with his young family and your Dd too.
I love your ideas for cross stitch. I think flowers make such a perfect subject.
Your quote is excellent. A cwtch is indeed very special.
Joce not surprised your little friend loved his doll. Something hand made is extra special.
Sleep well all and I wish you a restful night.

Annie yes, I keep trying to think up new subjects, animals, occupations, fruit and veg and recently I am building a house!!

Thanks for the cwtch! I do try so hard to think of the good memories I have but there are times when I feel sorry for myself because, like you, I seem to have had my share and that of many others too. Yes, poor little me is a bad way to feel but, just sometimes........................

Thanks Rafichagran, it does.

Thanks Doodle, if you have any ideas how to do it from an old analogue phone I would love to hear them. I also have a recording of him when he was just one year old.

Not feeling great this morning, things getting on top of me so planning to go out and buy Christmas cards for my lovely family. Reminding myself I cannot change the past but can make wonderful memories for my family to treasure when I am gone.

Hi all x

Nonnie’ ‘ feeling sorry for myself’and ‘ poor little me ‘ is so not you, please don’t think like this. You must be a strong woman to have come through dark times .

Grief, depression, anxiety are dark places yet you don’t dwell in
them . Yes we sink into them at times but we do as cavers do,
we switch on a torch .x

Well I always carried a torch when I went caving!

As for the alphabet, I tried using the Welsh alphabet , no K, Q, V, difficult when I get to dd, ff and ll ?

How is everyone?

Hello all
Nonnie- so sorry you lost your brother you must still miss him very much. Don’t worry about your mountain- do the things you enjoy and a bit of mountain when you feel like it.
Enjoy the Xmas card chosing - you are right make some happy memories for your family.
Annie- oh yes the ‘might have beens’ . It makes me sad too to think of all the wonderful life experiences my son missed.
Wow - caving that would really scare me you must have seen some wonderful sights.
I think if I played the alphabet game in Welsh I wouldn’t get very far!
Hope you are ok today.
Joce- I love your scary doll no wonder your friend loved him. Has he got lots of scary dolls or did he just have a gap fr a scary one.
Rafichagran- wait to deal with your mountain til you feel able. Work will always be there- do something nice instead. Lovely to hear from you.
Doodle- I,m sorry you can’t remember much from your young years. I remember a lot but my sister is like an elephant and can remember so much more . Do your family remember when they were children they can fill in some gaps? Photos are great for memories though- I found an old slide photo last year while clearing out during lockdown it was one of the only ones of all 3 of my children together and so precious . I was able to have it made into real photos to give to myDS and DD. One good thing to come out of lockdown.

I haven’t felt so well the last few days . I,ve had anxiety over a traumatic illness of 4 years ago and felt as if it was happening again. Phoned the surgery at 8 and saw the Doctor at 12.30. He took blood but thought that all was ok. So grateful for the kindness and understanding from the lovely young doctor.
I hope you are all having a good day and wishing you a peaceful nightxxx

Nonnie you are very industrious in your nighttime meanderings. I find the idea of building a house quite interesting. I’d not thought of that.
Sorry I don’t know how to record the message from an analogue phone. If I think of something I’ll come back to you.
I have great regrets about the past but as you say, it can’t be changed. Concentrate on making the future better.
Annie it doesn’t do to dwell on things does it. Sometimes it’s hard though to talk yourself out of feeling low.
You are our torch Annie . Always bringing some lightness to our dark places.
Scaredycat my parents, brother and those who knew me when young have all passed now. I do use photos to bring back some memories and I have a clear picture of something but never sure whether it’s one a memory or a combination of things my mind has grouped together.
Yes my family have good memories of when they were young but even if they tell them to me I can’t remember them and I can’t picture things like other people can. I cannot visualise my children when young or my mum and dad.
Oh how frightening to think you were going down with something again. So pleased you managed to see a sympathetic GP and hopefully he/she has put your mind at rest.
Sleep well all x

Thanks Annie it is me at the moment, I'm afraid. just all getting on top of me.

Scardycat I think mountains are out for me now, I just need to be able to walk straight ahead and will be grateful for that. I try so hard not to think of the might have beens because I can't change the past so I try to look to the future but at times it is so hard.

I don't have any childhood photos apart from one which was given to me by a family friend. My niece gave me a book which the RAF made about my brother's funeral as it was abroad in the days when they didn't fly bodies back but that is about it.

I do hope your lovely GP is able to reassure you that it is not happening again.

T

Good afternoon everyone. AnnieBatch told me about this forum, I found it, with her help, such a lot to take in,

I do hope I can get back here, mainly cos of how I am feeling, I am still at the stage when I want to deny my feelings, and get on. I am elderly, my dh died 2 years ago, just before the covid started so I think the culmination got to me,especially having him ill for some time.

always been helping others, have difficulty asking for help, or even accepting it,, but I am learning, so very slowly, I also in the avoidance stage, but all these feelings, well , me? I don`t like to give in. I am NOT suggesting anyone else here has given in, that is my mind working.. I have a close friend who has a lot more mental problems than me,, so I understand how easy it can be if we do not make ourselves clear,, but the language doesn`t help.
so hope to be back , thank you Anniebach for telling me about this "refuge" ??? is that a good word?
apologies if not!

Hi all x

Co op ordered wasn’t delivered ,telephoned put on hold, I now
know who to contact re wills, probate, employment laws ,grrrrrr

Nonnie step back my love, Christmas is over a month away .

True we can’t change the past and yes we can think of the future but we shouldn’t dwell on either . Mental exhaustion is
worse than physical exhaustion, I find it so. And I repeat ‘you
are not self pitying’ , you are strong x

Scaredycat so thankful you saw a GP who was understanding
My caving wasn’t as scary as it sounds, this is Wales, mountains, lakes and rivers . We have some lovely caves one doesn’t have to climb down a rope to get into, just walk in x

Doodle memories can become foggy, when I said doing the tables upset me because I was back in Aberfan juniors, I can remember my desks, the classrooms, even the wall clocks but not one memory of faces, except when I had the cane for sliding on the school roof ! ?x

For all

Been chatting to someone who works for a mental health charity I use to work for, big increase in agoraphobia sufferers caused by the pandemic, started with - don’t go out, then don’t
feel like going out , then too afraid to go out because I panic.

So yes I say again - keep walking, no need to climb mountains and hills, just walk

How is everyone?

Annie I did try to get into family history but the Scottish system is difficult and I couldn’t get the hang of it.
But getting away from the house is my main focus.
I’m having a lot of weird dreams and feeling so tired.