Would you willingly go into a care home .

What a clever, and simple, idea.

Each resident in a care home can have a couple of stands of cotton sewn onto the clothes label.
Everyone has their own colour, laundry room has a chart up, showing who has which colour.
For residents who like to sew, they can help putting in a couple of stands on new clothes.
Activity - done!
Peoples' property- easily identifiable!

Floradora9
I love your outlook but unfortunately reality doesn’t always work out as you wish.
My Mother in Law was 85 when she flew to New Zealand and back, alone.
2 years later she developed macular degeneration and was registered blind. Then she fell down the stairs and broke her hip from which she never fully recovered and went into a nursing home. Nobody but nobody knows what’s round the corner.

My DH goes every day to give her lunch and keep her company - of course he also has to do her shopping, order medication, do the laundry etc. It's local but still an hour's round trip. We have looked at several care homes for respite care for when the carer is away. They all insisted that on a long term basis, all clothes had to have sewn in name labels to avoid confusion. She did have a week in respite in the only place available when the carer took a holiday, but hated it. Unfortunately she has a habit of removing hearing aids and hiding them, which the staff found frustrating (understandable!) and they ended up taking them away. She is not a very sociable person and even when another resident waved at her, she didn't wave back!

My MIL is nearly 98, still in her own home and very frail with diagnosed dementia. She has a lady that comes in twice a day, and will come during the night if she presses the alarm. Ideally she would like a live-in carer, but not having much in savings, the house would have to be sold if her care needs got worse.

SachaMac
Yes your right it’s very frustrating and draining. I wish you the very best of luck and patience. Think we’re both going to need it

Myself and my late husband cared for my late mom with dementia until the last 8 weeks of her life.

Our Dr's stepped in, in the end and said "No more: both of you have health issue's. People in normal health can't do what you have been doing"

I would probably have gone and got mom out of the temporary place until we got a placement however mom had a nasty fall in the place and broke her hip.

That was the beginning of the end. Fortunately we managed to get mom into a home 5 minutes from us so we could visit everyday.

Although it was still exhausting the level of what we had to do went down drastically.

Mom had, had enough before we could no longer care!

The reason for my birth was to look after my mom in her later years. That was the only reason my father allowed me to be born. Mom was 36 and my father was 49 when I was born.

As you can tell ftom thr language I use with my father it was a difficult childhood. The reasons for my birth were made clear to me.

There is no way on God's green earth am I going to be a problem to my youngsters and they know that

So whilst no I don't want to end up in a care home, there are certain circumstances where it would be the only option then I wouldn't know about it.

My adult children know this as I have made it very clear to them I don't want them in the position I was.

It's utterly selfish to expect your children to look after you in your later years

Floradora9, one woman in my mother’s (dementia only) care home thought she was running a boarding house (as she evidently had in the past) and more than once told me that so-and-so owed her nine quid for last week’s rent!

My mother once told me that she was ‘sick of this job!’ but I never did find out what she thought she was doing.

It was an Abbeyfield, purpose-built for dementia care home, extremely good, and not as expensive some rather less suitable ones we looked at.

Might add that we’ve had relatives in various care homes - my mother and my FiL (he was in an ordinary residential followed by a nursing home), and two aunts.
We had no complaints about any of them.

Dh’s old aunt, however, absolutely hated the one where she put herself for a month while her helper was away. She was a bit frail, but no dementia. Staff were surly and miserable - I visited her there twice.
Yet on paper it was the flashest - seafront location, smart furnishings, etc. It was certainly one of the most expensive in the area,

Having seen so many care homes, I would never judge by ‘smart’ decor. Cosy and homely, with cheerful, welcoming staff, are IMO so much more important.

She needs to take these issues up with the home, because it is unacceptable.
She could also ask that it is clearly logged, in writing, that her mum does not wish to take part in sing-a-longs.
Homes are under a lot of pressure to provide activities, so it would also help them to have written records regarding this.

They should already have them, though, and they should be regularly reviewed.

My friend often finds her mother in other people’s clothes when she visits, although she has told the staff previously. She has rescued her from an “entertainment” singing session, when her mother begged to be taken out of there.
This is to all intents and purposes a “good” home.

Things such as wearing other people's clothes are now, rightly, of course, seen as abusive.
Even writing the persons name in them is frowned upon.
Their clothes are their own personal property, and should be treated and looked after as such.

Mine have been told that, should I have dementia, they must put me in a care home, no matter how much kicking and screaming I do.
Had my aunt not gone into a care home I would have had a nice tidy inheritance, but I was far happier to know that she was being looked after.
Many years ago my friend and I used to visit an old lady who had sold everything and lived in the hotel where my aunt worked. Granted, she did not need a great deal of care, and died quite suddenly in hospital, so it was more that she felt safer there than at home alone ( and she loved the food!)

I don't think I would go willingly as I'm fairly anti social and not a fan of enforced jollity, however if I need to be looked after and carers coming to me won't be enough, so be it. It's easy for me to say that now,of course. I might say differently at the time.

And yes, I would go into a home if my family - who luckily live near - approved of the facilities

My dad was in a fantastic care home for a while. It was small and just like a real home with not too many residents, pets were allowed [within reason] and the food was wonderful. Sadly the council closed it because the doors were just a bit narrower than they should be even though wheelchairs could get through. It would have cost the owner more than he could afford to make the changes. My dad ended up in an awful place - the staff were pleasant but overworked. He lived such a long way away from me but would not move. It was heartbreaking.
What is more important, happy residents or a few centimetres re a door width?

These threads have reaffirmed my commitment not to become an eldery tantrum toddler and make people's lives around me so unpleasant

Becoming old is not fun but there is no need to complicate it even further

You’re absolutely right KatyJ I’ve had so many ‘emergency’ calls at all hours. We also had to have the chain removed from the door as my mum insisted on putting it on despite us repeatedly telling her not to and we ended up having to get the police out to break in after she had falls in the night on more than one occasion.
I do find it very draining when she sits there and says she doesn't need carers coming in and out all the time disturbing her when it’s so obvious that she needs more care not less. As you say there’s nothing more we can do other than try to keep our patience & make sure the care package remains in place because knowing they are going in gives us at least some peace of mind.

Has anyone read Atul Gawande’s book Being Mortal? He’s an American doctor, professor, surgeon, and public health researcher amongst other things. He has written extensively about old age and care. Very thought provoking.

SachaMac
Your situation is very similar to mine. We had problems with carers turning up very late, which made my mum cross and confused.
Since she had her last fall, and a hospital stay of eight weeks we’ve been assigned different carers. So far these seem much better, she is having 4 visits a day now. She still resents them, and tells me every day she doesn’t need them, but after 10 hospital admissions I’m not about to cancel them. Could you look into changing your carers and maybe have 3 visits a day. There’s not much else you can do, your Like me running about like a headless chicken most days and inbetween waiting for the phone to ring, with yet another emergency ?

Going into a home is not synonymous with life being unbearable.

Two of my relations had dementia but were perfectly happy while having it and perfectly happy in the care home. Obviously they were unsettled when we moved them there. but had a room with large french windows onto a hedgerow and they had bird feeders outside it, which they kept replenished. My uncle died after 18 montha, but my aunt was there for 6 years, for all but the last six months she was on no medication at all, but at the end was in a state of constant mild distress.

My other uncle was sound in mind and body, but suffered from depression and was prone to self neglect. He was in a care home for the last six years of his life. He described them as the happiest years of his life. He was on anti depressants that worked well and had no worries, no anxieties, he turned all his affairs over to me to manage and did not want me to discuss anything about them with him. As long as his fees were paid that was all he cared. I did keep accounts and handed them over to the solicitor, together with his bank statements when he died.

How sad Reggie20. At least the first of us to go will have some help.
Although there can be sudden descent into dementia for most it is gradual so my idea is to take control as soon as I know I am ill.
If I knew a loved ones wishes I would be helping them.

Some very naive posts on here.
My mum would have done away with herself if she thought she'd ever 'end up in a home' as she would have said. She's got Alzheimers now & thinks she's in a hotel (on a good day) and in prison (bad day.)
That's if she can 'think' at all. :-(
My sister & I can't wait for her to die & be free.

The home is amazing & the staff are brilliant, can't fault them at all, but it's not pleasant seeing your mum in a nappy & bib.

Those of you who think you'll store drugs under the mattress & take them when life gets harder, think again.. they are often found after people have died, having forgotten all about them due to dementia etc!

If the option was for me to stay at home and be an emotional and physical burden to my children then yes I would willingly go into a care home.

My parents belonged to the Voluntary Euthanasia Society. They had all the literature explaining how they could end their lives. When it came to the point, they found they did not want to do it.

Germanshepherdsmum

BigBertha1

I won't be doing any of that. I will be taken by a more permanent solution.

I would be doing the same at the first sign that I was en route to needing someone else to wash and dress me and wipe my backside. Fortunately I get a heap of barbiturates each month for epilepsy. Job done.

I’m with the two of you and fortunately my partner is of a similar mind. We both know the point that we would find life unbearable and if the person who wishes to end it needs assistance both of us would help each other while protecting ourselves against prosecution. Our relatives and friends have been made aware and nobody has voiced any objections.
We have both lived wonderful lives and still have many happy years to go (hopefully).