Would you willingly go into a care home .

I would go into a sheltered accommodation, I would not like to rely on family. My mother lived in a residential home for 8 weeks after she broke her shoulder in hospital. She then went home and was allocated carers 4 times a day she saw 16 different ones in one week. A terrible experience. She died 5 weeks later after a fall.

My husband and I have agreed that neither of us will go into a care home. If the day arrives that we need care, we will pay for it in our own home.

Definitely go into Care Home. My children should not have the worry of caring for us.

My mother aged 90 won’t contemplate moving out of her house where she they lived for 60 years. The house is falling to pieces and in desperate need to everything. She is unable to walk without a frame, has just had a stairlift installed that she can’t operate as she can’t follow more that one instruction at a time. My much younger sister refuses to contemplate moving her (mummy’s blue eyed child) one brother throws money at problems and the other, who lives closest, occasionally turns up. I am the eldest and least favoured child but as I am retired, I am expected to fetch and carry.

And I love her but don’t like her.

I think there are good and bad homes, and it's the bad ones that people always think of first.
Bad enough having to go into care, let alone being stripped of all dignity and autonomy.

It doesn't have to be like that, though.
The last big care home I worked in, we had some wonderful times.
I have a picture of us all sitting outside, a variety of old hats on, all eating icecream, and laughing like drains.

No. Never.

I'd already made my mind up never to go into one as my house is going to go to my children, full stop.

When my daughter worked in one for a year and told me the ins and outs of it all, that just reinforced my determination never to go.

Katyj

Yes most definitely go into a care home, when carers aren’t enough.
My mum should be in a care home, but flatly refuses. This means I have no peace of mind day or night and it’s truly awful.

My mum was the same.
The last part of her life was just awful for her (and us!)

If it was like my mum's Care Home
Yes please.
It was on par of a 5 star Hotel, with outstanding care.
I certainly don't want to be a burden on my children. My mum was heavy going at times but happy in her final days living in a caring luxury environment, she deserves the best.
So what if we spend the kids inheritance, that's what we told our Mum.

It was years ago now, but at the CH we eventually chose for FiL, there was a woman still only in her 60s, no dementia or physical frailty, who’d chosen to live there because she didn’t want the worry and responsibility of her own home - bills and maintenance, etc. She was free to go out and do her own thing, meals all provided, etc.

It was a lovely home that managed to care for FiL (who had dementia but not yet too advanced) very well.

What would have put me right off, though, was the fact that you couldn’t lock bedroom doors from inside - I believe down to fire regs.

One of the reasons we could no longer have FiL at home was that he was constantly wandering about at all hours of the night, coming into everyone’s rooms and waking them - wanting to know who was sleeping in ‘his’ house! - and we had dds coming up to important exams - it just wasn’t on.

Germanshepherdsmum

BigBertha1

I won't be doing any of that. I will be taken by a more permanent solution.

I would be doing the same at the first sign that I was en route to needing someone else to wash and dress me and wipe my backside. Fortunately I get a heap of barbiturates each month for epilepsy. Job done.

Maybe the Swiss with Dignitas have the right answer. Some people's religion would stop them from taking that step and I can understand that. If it were publicly available maybe it would become more the norm.
Watching a very bright cheerful person end up in a state where they can do nothing is horrendous, goodness knows how they feel themselves.
I have two friends who care for extremely old relations, they are worn out and at the time of their lives when they should be able to do as they please. To wake up each day and hear"I wish I was not here" as they do, is something I do not want my children to suffer.

Perhaps there is someone on GN who is in a care home and would tell us about it?

Yes I would if the alternative was being a worry for my DC.
My parents were in sheltered housing close by. He had severe mobility problems and my mum had dementia. The stress I felt at times was immeasurable.
Eventually he told me they weren’t managing and asked me to find a home.
I found a lovely place and they were well cared for for the rest of their lives.
It meant I could go just to enjoy their company.

Like most people, I would like to stay in my home as long as possible, but if I had reached a point where I could no longer manage on my own and I was in a care home where I could still follow my interests and have people to converse with, ie, not all with dementia, then of course I would do it. If I had dementia the decision would be out of my hands.

I think it is ridiculous to say I am adament that I will never go into a home regardless of how infirm I am . Ridiculous and selfish. it puts an immense and unnecessary burden on your children and you end up spending your last years struggling to manage to look after yourself, dependent on Carers of varying quality, and, I repeat, an unnecessary burden on your children.

I had an uncle who refused to move out of his house until a hospital discharge was dependent on a 'convalescent' period in a Care Home. He never left it. and said that if he had realised how comfortable and easy life was, and free from constant anxiety, he would have moved there years before, as soon as his wife died. He was there six years and I am sure being safe and happy in his care home extended his life.

I certainly wouldn’t choose it, but if I ever get to the stage where I’m unable to care for myself and carer visits aren’t enough, I’d do anything rather than expect dds to look after me - and have already made this crystal clear - in writing, as well as verbally.

But I know of someone, an ex neighbour of ILs in his 80s who battled so very hard to look after his wife with pretty bad dementia at home, until he fell and broke a hip, and the decision was made for him.

They ended up in separate care homes - she no longer knew him anyway - and the old chap told a visiting dh that he was having a life again, thoroughly enjoying himself. Alas, he lived for only a few months afterwards.

My mother used to say 'if I ever become a bother to you just put me in a home'. I looked after her when she had dementia and one evening when I was sitting next to my husband with tears dripping off my chin he said 'it is either me or your mother'.
One of my mum's neighbours had said that if my mother ever needed to go into a home I should go and talk to her. I went round and it turns out that she goes round care homes as a hairdresser. She recommended one and it was very good.
I would pop in at different times and always found my mum well cared for.

Yes most definitely go into a care home, when carers aren’t enough.
My mum should be in a care home, but flatly refuses. This means I have no peace of mind day or night and it’s truly awful.

DH and I are both quite happy to go into a care home if that time comes. I've seen too many messy disorganised home 'care packages' to have confidence in them. I'd never want to put my children to inconvenience.
Equally, I've recently had occasion to visit several friends in various care homes and been pleasantly surprised.
No rush though!

Our next door neighbour asked her family to put her into a care home
She has a fantastic family. She was a widow but her children or grandchildren visited her every day.
She was fit, well, with no mobility issues. However, she started to have falls, falling downstairs one day. She said she didn't want her family worrying about her.
They found a lovely home for her. Her sister was in there but she unfortunately died. My neighbour is 94 now, still going strong and has just recovered from Covid!

I would willingly go into a care home. Happy to pay for it, if I could, have never seen why people should expect otherwise.

As imaraound said No one should be burdened with having to give up major aspects of their lives in order to care for a relative who simply refuses to go into care. Especially when they need extensive medical care.

I have told both AC and their partners that I absolutely do not want them having to do the things that I did for my MiL for me and they are not to hesitate in any way should they feel a care home is necessary. I hope I'll have moved there by myself before before they have to make the decision. Wishes are written and they have Power of Attorney.

BigBertha1

I won't be doing any of that. I will be taken by a more permanent solution.

I would be doing the same at the first sign that I was en route to needing someone else to wash and dress me and wipe my backside. Fortunately I get a heap of barbiturates each month for epilepsy. Job done.

I would go in and so would DH if we had to ,we have discussed it.
I would never move in with our children and you have to be asked first anyway.
Both our fathers died before they needed it our mothers had to as we lived hundreds of miles away. We gave both the option of going into a home near us and both declined choosing their local one where friends could visit.
My mother said she wished she had done it earlier, with complete relaxation all around and nighttime care. She was allowed to take her own bedding and the room would have been wallpapered if we wanted.
We have savings both DH and I think that is what they are for. Far better to make your last years dignified and safe than hoping relatives will step up and get left more money after maybe 20 years of caring for us they have their own household and commitments without adding us to it.
Good luck Welsh Chrissie I hope it goes as well as it did for us.

After caring for my physically frail and with Dementia mother who refused to go into a home until hospital insisted, and seeing how it brought my sister and I to the brink of collapse, yes, anything to prevent such a burden on my own daughter.

Hypothetical question, as it may never arise.

If DH were to need care in a Home, and has only a small amount of savings , so qualifies for financial help, would I use my savings to pay for a better place, leaving nothing for my future care?
( there are very good reasons which I wont go into now why there is a financial imbalance )

My sentiments Welsh Chrissie. Your first duty is to yourself and your loved one who deserve what's best for them.